(2) Secrets

I woke up in the morning with a horrible headache. My head throbbed with a dull ache behind my eyes. I turned my neck and stared at the alarm clock. It felt like the middle of the night. I was restless and stretched my legs. I moved the covers back and swung my feet out of bed. My duvet fell on the floor I was too lazy to put it back on my bed.

I brushed my teeth quickly and grabbed a couple of aspirins from the cabinet. I filled the plastic cup I kept on the sink with water and swallowed them. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes had dark circles and my skin was pallid. I stretched the skin under my eyes but it made my eyes look worse. I looked like a girl who had a hard life.

I dragged my feet back to my room and decided to delay picking out clothes. I took my bathroom accessories with me and took an elongated shower. I adjusted the spray and stood under the blasting heat. I stretched my arms and washed my hair. My head was feeling slightly better.

I went back into my room and cuddled in my plush bathrobe. I sat on the chair next to my desk and curled my legs under me. I stared at my journal sitting on the table. Tapping my fingers on the desk, I tried to clear my head. Wouldn't it be great to tell my innermost fears to someone who wouldn't judge me? Could I? What's the worst that could happen? A cold breeze filtered through the hole in my window.

I would have to remind Charlie to fix that.

I picked up my journal and flipped to the next page. I carefully wrote the date and collected my thoughts.

October 12, 2007

Secrets are dangerous. Wait, some secrets are dangerous. There are certain things you cannot tell anyone. You hide them until they become a part of you. He left. Edward (wince) left. He said it was for my protection. Hah! Not when he can distract himself so easily why, would he stay? How could I have a hold on a perfect person?

Hmm, if he knew how hard it was for me, would he still go? I have nightmares all the time. I even know the part in my dream when the nightmare is coming. I wait for it. Alice looks into the future and I can read dreams, what are the odds? I miss Alice!

Oops time for school.

I closed my journal and went to the closet. I stared at my outfits. Jeans again. I sighed.

Charlie was downstairs eating breakfast. I was carrying my journal in my hands.

"You really like that thing, don't ya?" Charlie shoved a spoonful of cereal in his mouth.

I gave him a quick look. "Yea. I do." I shoved the journal into my backpack. I got a bowl and filled it with cereal.

"I'll probably be late tonight for dinner tonight." Charlie finished his last bite and folded the newspaper. I looked at the paint chipping on the bright yellow cabinets. Maybe I could stop by the store and buy some paint. That was another project that would keep me busy.

"How come?" I said glumly. I didn't have the strength to fake interest and felt guilty for Charlie. I must suck to have as a daughter.

"New trainee, today. I have to stay and show him the ropes. The other guy has a family commitment." Charlie walked to the sink and rinsed his bowl.

"I'll wash it. Dad, I might go to the hardware store after school." I walked to the sink and ran the water waiting for it to turn warm. Charlie put his sheriff jacket on and attached his holster.

"What for?" Charlie turned to me. His tone was placating.

"I'm thinking about painting the cabinets. I mean the same color of course." I said hastily when I saw the confusion in his eyes.

"Well, okay. Gosh!" He walked over to inspect the decaying paint. "I should have done this a long time ago. Time flies by." Charlie rubbed his thumb on the pane and he shrugged.

"Have a good day at work." I mustered up a smile and felt the pull at the corner of my mouth.

"Will do! Thanks again!" Charlie indicated to his dish and walked out the door. I leaned against the countertop and tried to muster enough strength to make it through another day. I felt my shoulders sink as soon as he left. I didn't have enough energy to care about bad posture. One day I'll pay for this.

I was leaning against my truck's cab in the parking lot at school. A few students passed by and one gave me a sympathetic smile. I kept my eyes down for the most part. The horrible thing is that I don't want their pity. I never did. I checked my watch.

I still had some time before I went to English. I brought the journal out of my backpack and opened the page where I left off.

Is it wrong to hate when people give me sympathy smiles? I really do hate it! I feel like the girl with one arm. I don't need other people to feel sorry for me. I just want to be invisible. I wish that were possible. Mike's got the wrong impression of me. Can you believe he still flirts with me? It makes me so angry. In front of Jessica is just too much! I want to yell at him and scream but instead I keep it bottled up inside. If he knew…

Late again. I shut the journal and trudged through the squishy grass heading towards English. Angela sidled up next to me and gave me a compassionate smile. We walked in silence. Angela knew that's what I preferred. I tried to smile back but the effort didn't reach my face. I was freezing! The weather was definitely changing. I slumped in my seat bringing the hood of my jacket around me. I hid like a turtle from the boisterous conversation surrounding me.

I opened the journal and stared at the page. Everyone was talking about the chance of snow. Great! Another impending accident waiting to happen. I doodled on the journal page. The girl who sits next to me turned to talk to Ben.

I begin writing.

Waiting again! Why do teachers make us wait for them all the time?? Then they have a panic attack if were late for class. Get a grip! I had a dream about the meadow last night. Edward shall be called, "Him." So "him", was walking towards me. It felt so real. The craziest part is that I believe it's happening. I have issues. I scared the beegezzus out of Charlie. He heard me screaming and burst through the door. He had a foam bat and was wearing his boxers. Yikes! I have a huge hole in my chest. Nothing will help me now. "Him" is a vampire. There I said it. I could never speak the words aloud. That was the tradeoff. The teacher just walked in.

I took the hood off my head. I slumped in my seat and waited for class to begin. Someone tapped me on the shoulder.