Previously...

"Rowena, do I...know you?" Great. Just fudging great! He was almost behind me! I spoke low. "No. I've never met you." Shit! My voice didn't sound low at all! All of a sudden, he's in front of me, looking me straight in the eyes. Please contacts, don't fail me now! Slowly, his eyes go from questioning, to confusion, to finally, cautious. "Clary?"

In just a second, my mind went over every possible answer that I could think of. My name's Rowena, not Clary.

Get out of my face you creep.

Hi, it's me, how have you been?

Do I admit that I'm Clary? Do I not? Should I just walk away and forget that this ever happened? No, I can't forget. It's Jace. But...I can't take a chance at letting him back into my heart. He'll just break it again. But I'm an adult now. I can't just run from my problems anymore.

So I did the most unthinkable thing. I did the thing I had sworn that I would never do. I said, "Hello Jace." His eyes popped even more. Before another word was said, I said, "Good bye Jace." And walked out of the now opened doors.

My steps were quick as I tried to get further myself from him. I saw my family. They all gave me worried stares. Well, Lucas was staring past me with a worried, yet knowing half glare. At the moment I realized this, Jace said, "Clary! Wait!" No. No way. My stele was in my hand. I was gripping that thing so tight, it was a wonder it didn't snap. I was getting ready to start drawing the portal rune.

"Clary!" Without looking back, I said, "Leave me alone Jace. I don't want you in my life." I could tell that he wasn't right behind me, but I still quickened my step. As soon as I was at the others, they began to walk with me and Lucas put his arm around me.

Briefly, we had to stop so that I could draw the rune. My family surrounded me. I heard Jace again, say, "Clary, please! Wait!" The scream that i just couldn't hold anymore came out. "I said leave me alone!" Within thee seconds of saying that, I had just about finished my runes.

"Clary, please, can we please-" Lucas said coldly, "She doesn't want to talk to you, so I suggest you shut the hell up before I hurt you." The rune was two strokes away from being finished when Jace said, "And who the hell are you?" "Sure as hell not the guy who didn't have the balls to stay with the girl he got pregnant." I stepped quickly through the portal and the others followed.

My feet wouldn't stop. Not when I made it home, not when I went up the stares. In all truth, I didn't even know where I was going. Until I recognized the kids' room. First thing I saw was all the kids playing with their toys on the floor. Sam smiled. "Hey Roe. How'd it-What happened?" I didn't answer. Instead, I got onto the floor and pulled all my kids to me in a huge hug.

My kids. Mine and mine alone. Jace will never find out about you four. Ever. Simon tugged on my shirt and said, "Momma, wat wong?" God! I couldn't even speak because I was so afraid that I'd burst out in tears. Or worse. But I had to convince them that nothing was wrong.

So I whispered, "Nothing babies. Momma just...had a bad day." I looked up at Sam and whispered also, "Thanks for watching them. I got it now." He just nods, understanding that I needed to be with my kids, and leaves.

Elliot pulled away from me. His tiny hands wiped at my face. I was crying. That little lip began to quiver as he said, "Why u cwyin' momma?" I looked at the rest of my kids' faces. Angel! They were all the same face as their brother!

What other choice did I have then to suck it up until I calmed down enough to go to my room?

I smiled and kissed each of their noses/foreheads. "Everything's fine sweeties. Mommy just had a bad day. She saw someone... Well, you know how you all can't wait to see Santa every year at Christmas? For momma, this..person was the opposite. He really hurt me before you kids were born and I can't forgive him. Hey, how would y'all like to help me make cookies?"

For just a second, there was question in their looks, but it quickly turned to excitement at the work cookies. The Trips started running to the kitchen and I picked up Lilly. "Don't run!" But I was laughing. This was exactingly what I had needed.

**In the Kitchen...**

We made at least four dozen cookies. Chocolate chip, peanut butter, sugar, and snicker-doodles. Plus what ever dough was left. After all the kids had their fill of cookies, I set them to the play room with Joe while I started dinner.

As promised, I made my special dinner. An entirely homemade dinner of ravioli and meat sauce, garlic bread, and a salad. Sure, it took over four hours to prepare the dough for the pasta and the bread, but oh well. Everything was on the table and I was just finishing the salad when Lucas came in the kitchen.

"Need a hand?" "No, I got it. Thanks though." There was silence for a minute, until he said, "Roe, about earlier-" I shook my head. "No. Don't start Lucas. I am not talking about it. Can you set this on the table while I go change?" I left him in there.

I put on my comfy clothes-sweats and a baggy t shirt-and went to get the kids. But they weren't in their room or the play room. Maybe Joe already brought them down to the kitchen. So I went down there. Surely enough, they were all seated. But my family gave me worried looks.

**After dinner...**

"That was a good meal Roe. I'll get the dishes." I shook my head. "I got them Erik. Thanks though. There's cookies in there too that the kids and I made earlier. He put a hand on my shoulder and said softly, "You've had a hard day and I think you should-"

My slammed plate stopped him mid sentence. "I'm fine! And I do not want to talk about it. Now, after the dishes, I'm putting the kids down. Please tell the others to keep it down." I left. So what if I didn't want to talk about today? I had reason not to.

True to my word, after I washed up, I put the kids down. They were already tired at dinner, so that was easy. When I tucked Melody in, she whispered in her shy voice, "Momma not weave again?" kissing her nose, I whispered back, "Not if I can help it. Good night sweetie girl."

After, I went and cleaned the kitchen. Maybe I'll call Si and-crap! I left all my stuff at Si's! Should I even go get it? He'd keep it safe, right? And maybe Jace left. You're such an idiot! Oh course he's not leaving. You're here, and it was obvious that he wants to talk.

I needed my phone. That was simple. But I also couldn't chance calling Si and having Jace know that we're talking. Wait. Had the others told him that I had been up there? Did he just think that it was pure and utter coincidence?

Finally, knowing that there was no way that I could leave my phone there, I went to find one of the boys. Not Mike or Lucas-especially not him. Jace heard him. So I went to Sam. He'd be willing to call Si, right? And Si will know it's me cause of the area code.

Sam was in his room playing his PlayStation. "Knock knock." He looks up smiling. "Hey ya Roe. What's up?" "I was wondering if you'd call Si for me and see if it's safe to go get my things. Since, you know, they're all at his house."

"Sure thing. Just let me save this real quick...OK." He jumped up and went to his night stand and dialed on his phone. After a second, he said, "Hey, is Simon there?"-pause-"You got a minute man? It's Sam." and a second later, he says, "OK, here's Roe." I take the phone.

"Hey Si. I was just wondering if I could come over and get my stuff?" "Sure. Now's good if you want. I'm home. Look, I don't know what happened in Idris, but I personally punched the the bastard in the face as soon as I saw him." I would've laughed, but being reminded that Jace is there just hurt.

"That's cool. So I can come over right now? It's safe?" "Totally. But Izzy's coming over in a bit. Can't be in the same building as you know who." I could totally understand. "That's cool. So, I'll be over in a few. Bye Si." "See you soon."

I handed Sam back his phone. "Thanks. Hey, um, I might be gone for a little while, Kay? I want to talk to Izzy." His eyebrows raised. "Wait, Izzy? As in, Isabelle Lightwood? The black haired chic from earlier?" I nod. "Yeah. We're friends again. Great timing, right? Well, yeah, if the others ask, you know where I'll be." With a nod, I leave.

Yeah, I wanted to talk to Izzy, so what? I needed to tell her that things might go back to the way they were if Jace is staying in the picture. Of course though, who knows? With all the deal with Maryse, he might stay and they all become one big happy family.

No. That's not fair. I gave up everything to raise my kids. I gave up my home, and my family, and my own health to have them. Why should someone who still has everything have a chance to be in a happy family? Sure, where I am now, I'm safe. And even happy to and extent. But this isn't where I belong. I don't have anywhere really. Sadly, neither does my kids.

The Mathew's are...a wonderful and loving family. They took me in and loved me from the start. And now, almost three years later, everything's changing.

Portal runes were drawn in the air right outside of my room and I was at Si's house. Because I didn't want to be rude, I knocked. A few seconds later, he opens the door. "Come on in. You should know that you can just walk in. Day time only because I might be tappin' something at night." I laughed hard. Oh did it feel good to laugh!

"Oh angel, Si, you're just what I needed." We went to the living room and I laughed sadly. "Everything's crashing down around me Si. Right when I though everything just might start to get better, it crashes. What am I gonna do?" My eyes have tears in them, but I don't let them fall. Not yet.

He grabs my hand and squeezes. "Everything's not crashing. There's just...surprises being added. And why wouldn't things get better?" Unfortunately, that was when I hit my breaking point.

"How can they! I had to tell Alec about me, and he took it OK. And the same with Izzy. But Jace? No way! I don't even want to be in the same state as him! He broke me! He didn't want me! How do I tell my kids that? How do I tell my kids that their father wanted me to kill them? I can't, that's how. I'll have to take Lucas up on his offer. I'll have to marry him so that my kids will have the father they diverse!

The worst part in all of this? And as selfish as I am, I gotta sometimes think that it's not fair to me. I had to give up my life! I was just 17, not even started being an adult, and I had to be an adult for my kids. Everything I loved was taken from me.

I'm so selfish Si! I love my kids with everything I got, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but it's just not fair! And-and Jace! He didn't want me. He didn't want our child! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!" Si held me as I cried. The pain in my chest hurt so bad.

I shook, and cried, and hurt for an hour at least. And he just held me and tried his best to sooth me.

When I was done, it was midnight. I was 3 hours late. Izzy had came in, saw me, and went to bed. I grabbed my things, thanked Si, and went back home.

**A week later...**

Life was just starting to get back on track. No one brought up what happened in Idris and no one from New York called. It wasn't like I wasn't going to stay in contact a little, it just wasn't safe at the time to call up there and talk. But I'd call Si and he'd come up for the Trip's birthday.

I thought about inviting Izzy, Alec, and Magnus too, but only if Jace is gone by then. If he wasn't, well, then next time there'd be a visit would be on Lilly's 1st birthday. Hopefully, she'll have said her first word by then.

As I was putting the dishes up after lunch, Joe ran in the kitchen. He was out of breath and looked worried. "Joe! What's wrong?" He holds up a bright green envelope and says, "This just came. It has your name on it. It's from the Clave."

I grabbed it and opened it quickly. What could the Clave want with me? Why would they send me a letter? Could it have something to do with Maryse? It couldn't be too important if they had the time to write the letter...

My fingers shook only a bit as I read the letter.

Miss Rowena Carter,

It has come to our attention that you are more involved in the case of the traitor Maryse Lightwood than was thought. Not only has she been steeling important pieces of Shadow-hunter history, she's been giving them, along with some of the most secret of secrets of the Clave, to a man who was thought to be dead.

You will be told further of this situation when you come here today. The Lightwoods and Jace will also be joining us. It is imperative that you get here.

The Inquisitor.

Oh great. Just great. Another trip to Idris, and another run in with Jace. Joe asked worrily, "What's it say?" Shaking my head, I whisper, "I have to go back to Idris because Maryse was telling Clave secrets to someone that they thought had died. And somehow, I'm connected to them. I'm gonna go pack and tell the kids bye."

I didn't want to go back, but just because of Jace. He chose himself over me and our kids. What kind of man does that? No man, that's what kind.

Upstairs, I went to the kids' room first. Can you guess who was up there? Yeah. Lucas. He saw my face and said, "What's wrong?" "I...have to go back to Idris. They sent me a letter. Turns out I'm more connected in the whole traitor case then though. I just came to tell the kids." Of course, though, none of my kids wanted me to leave. They started crying, begging me to stay.

Melody cried, "Don't go mommy! Pweese!" Elliot yelled, "Momma no go!" And Simon screamed, "No! Momma! The monswers come! You gotta stay! Don't go!" Lilly even started screaming. All my kids begging me not to go, combined with the fact that I had no choice in the matter, made me cry.

I ended up running out of the room, going to mine. The sooner I left, the sooner I could come back. As I was packing, Lucas came in saying, "You're not going alone. No way am I letting that bastard come near you." In tears, I said, "Too bad! I need to go now. The sooner I leave, the sooner I can come home. Just stay here and watch everyone, OK?"

We argued, and everyone ended up coming up to see what was going on. Finally, I yelled, "Stop! Listen to me! No one is coming with me! I have to go. And if I do see Jace, I'll handle it! Alone! You all are going to stay here and watch the kids! I can handle it!"

What other choice did they have then to drop it? Lucas was pissed, so when I left, I gave his cheek a quick peck and whispered, "Please Lucas, I need to do this. What kind of life will I have if I keep avoiding him? As much as I hate it, I have to talk to him. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to forgive him. Watch the kids, please? Everything will be fine and I'll be home soon."

I threw my bag on my back and drew the portal rune in the air. Knowing that I was hurting Lucas by leaving hurt, knowing that I had to watch my kids beg me not to go hurt worse than any pain in the world. Even worse then when Jace chose himself.

So now, as I'm being forced to leave my family temporarily, I have no idea what the future will hold. I don't know if I'll be able to help the Clave with Maryse. I don't know when I'll be home. And, I have no idea if I'll talk to Jace or not. But I did know one thing.

I'm going to do what ever it take to do the right thing. Even if it kills me.

Thoughts? No cliffy this time...not really at least...

After you review-*wink wink*-go answer the poll on my profile. It'll help me get the next chapter written faster.

P.S.-I wanted to thank you all who've added the story as one of your faves, or even me as an author, and exsecially reviewed so far-or even took the time to read this story. It makes my day-literally-when I see that I got a new review. Well, unless it's a bad one, which pisses me off a bit. But oh well :)

-Jess 3