(5) Mocking
The pillow muffled my screams this morning. I held the pillow tightly and waited for my body to stop shaking. Tears leaked out of the corners of my eyes. They felt cold leaving wet trails down my face. I shook my head and tossed the pillow on the floor. I reached up and wiped the tears. I looked at the clock and saw I had woken up five minutes before my alarm was suppose to go off.
Was that a bad omen? I hope not. I waited for my mind to settle the images that were too realistic, the sense of dread in my nightmare lingered. I heard Charlie in his room rattling the closet door. I pulled my feet out of the covers and sat up. Stretching and reaching for my robe seemed like a difficult task.
The robe was on the chair by my desk and I strained my back while I hooked it with my thumb. I tossed it on the bed and stood. I stretched my arms and yelped in pain. Searing pain was traveling along my vertebrae. I fell backwards and almost passed out from the intense soreness of my muscles. I must have yelled because Charlie flung the door open and saw me laying facedown on my bed.
"You okay?" Charlie's boots made a loud thud on my floor. The only thing I saw was his uniformed pant. I grunted but my bedspread camouflaged most of the word. "Is it your back?"
I nodded my head. Stabbing pain jolted down my spine making an unpleasant vibration. I bit my mouth to keep from yelling again.
"Hang on." Charlie walked out of the room and I heard the medicine cabinet opening. Medicine is good. I like medicine. I tried to roll over and gasped when my back was flat against the mattress. I felt worse today then I did yesterday.
Charlie stomped back into my bedroom. His boots made a lot of noise something I never really noticed before. He sat on my bed, which dug into my back with his extra weight, I clenched my teeth gritting my agonizing throbbing. I sat up and the pressure was released from the stitched hole. I silently took the pain pills and swallowed two of them at the same time. I was not messing around.
Charlie sat the water on my bedside table. He looked at me with parental concern. "I'm not going to work today." His eyes were full of anxiety.
"No, please Dad. I want you to go to work." I said with a little too much convincing. "You'll just be bored sitting here with me. I'll probably go back to sleep. And Jacob Black is coming over later." I ended with a flourish.
"Are you sure?" Charlie double-checked his watch. "It's no problem I am the chief."
"Seriously Dad. I'll be fine. I'm getting sleepier as we speak." I emphasized the word sleep although it was partly true. I was going to nod off pretty fast.
"Okay, but I don't like it though, Bells. I am responsible for you."
"You're doing a great job." I said half-heartedly. He was! I was the one who sucked in the Dad-Daughter relationship. I moved back slowly and cushioned myself against my pillows.
"Well then, I'll let you rest." Charlie stood. "Wait a sec." He turned and left the room. I heaved a big sigh. I didn't mind Charlie's company at all but I really didn't want him to be at home bored to tears. I wasn't very entertaining nowadays.
He walked back into the room carrying the cordless phone. "If you need anything. Anything. I don't care if it's a water bottle. You call me. Got it?"
"Yes. Now go! You're going to be late." I scolded and he smiled. He walked out and I breathed a sigh of relief.
I twiddled my thumbs waiting for the pain pills to work their full effect. I saw my journal resting on the table. I reached over to get it and came up empty handed. I scooted to the side and reached again. My fingertips grazed the binding of the journal. I bit my lip and scooted farther over. Ah!
I opened the journal and filled the waiting time with some overdue writing.
Every dream is the same. I keep waiting for my mind to fully lose itself. Would that be sweet relief or inevitable? "Him" was with me in the forest our meadow. My chest feels inflamed with grief. I can't even mention the word meadow in my mind. The beautiful pictures in my head have become the nightmarish images in my dreams. Unfair to say the very least! His face disappears and the features are distorted. Is that a godsend? Do I want to remember him? I feel like he's fading away everyday. I wish the aching would fade too. .
Charlie doesn't understand. Could or would I ever be able to explain it to him? He would look at me like I was a freak. No one can know. I find myself missing odd things in the weirdest of circumstances. At lunch in the cafeteria, I missed Alice and "you know who" silently communicating while they thought I sat unaware of their silent talks. Ugh, I'm crying again. I'm also getting sleepy.
I shoved the journal under my pillow and turned my head to the side. I drifted off the sleep.
Is the banging coming from my head? I sat up slowly disoriented from my nap. No, it was getting louder. My heart was beating rapidly from the loud bangs on the door. I threw the blankets off of me and eased myself off the bed. I tried to stand upright but my back throbbed fervently.
I hunched over and took the steps like a baby. I held onto the railing for dear life. Almost there! Only five more steps to go! I huffed my way down and stood at the bottom feeling victorious. I sighed and bent at my waist to catch my breath. Banging on the door grew louder. I hobbled to the door and opened it. Jacob Black's smiling face quickly turned alarmed.
"You look terrible." Jacob commented and I saw his face flicker with emotion.
"Thanks. I feel kind of terrible." I mumbled and he walked into the house. He was holding something behind his back.
"Don't get mad." He warned me and shut the door. I hunched as I walked over to the couch.
"I am in so much pain you could tell me anything and I wouldn't feel as bad as I do right this minute." I felt the cushion as I sat down making sure I didn't fall off the couch. That wouldn't be good at all.
"I was hoping you would say that. Now that I think about it this might actually help." Jacob replied cautiously and held out my present.
"Is that a cane?" I scoffed and fury rolled through my body.
"It's a walking stick." Jacob interceded when he saw my face turn red. "Would it help if I bedazzled it?"
"Get out." I murmured but was too tired to follow through with my rage. I sunk into the cushions and Jacob came to sit beside me. He laid the stick on the table.
"You didn't let me finish." He whined humorously.
"So finish." I said between clenched teeth.
"This is a traditional Native American walking stick. I took some wood from a few Birchwood trees in the forest to make this for you, yesterday. I knew it would be a drag to walk with a sizeable wound like yours. Get it drag." He laughed and I mockingly laughed along with him then I folded my arms across my chest. "This will really help you. Besides Billy, my Dad, helped me and he wanted me to tell you that it's from him too."
Now, I felt like a jerk. I really did like Billy. Jacob played dirty telling me that his Dad was in on his plan. I huffed. "Fine, put it by the couch."
Jacob smirked and laid it across the back of the couch. "Now that I think about it I should have painted it or something. It's too plain. Does your Dad have any paint?"
"I don't know." I mumbled still unhappy about my old person-walking device. Jacob got up easily which I envied and walked to the kitchen. "What are you doing?" I considered turning my head but didn't have enough energy to swivel anything right now. Silence.
"Your Dad has no paint, I checked." Jacob was carrying two cans of soda in his hand. His hands were so huge that both sodas were tucked into his palm. He held one out for me and I took the can. It was freezing. I set it quickly on the couch.
"It's almost frozen." I commented and rubbed my hands together to heat them up again.
"Huh, I guess I didn't even notice. Weird?" Jacob was still holding his and popped the tab on the can. He must have gulped half the soda with one chug. He set it down and leaned back against the chair, usually reserved for Charlie's game watching.
I opened my soda and took a sip. Still too cold! I set it down on the coffee table.
"What time does Charlie get home from work?" Jacob asked and put both hands behind his head.
"It depends. He could be home now or really late at night." I droned and looked out the window. Another hazy day in Forks making the sky turn dark and dangerous.
"What do you do when he's at work?"
"Usually I'm at school." I reminded him. Which reminded me of the question I wanted to ask him. "How come your not at school today?"
"Things are a little more relaxed on the rez. We can take days off and its no biggie." Jacob smiled again when he saw the bewildered look on my face.
"Just like that. You get time off of school."
"Well, we have to make it up with extra assignments but mostly it's just two more worksheets for homework."
"That's crazy." I shook my head and took another sip of soda.
"Hey, I've got an idea." Jacob put his soda can down and gave me an impish grin.