AGAIN I don't own the speech in italics, I'm just borrowing it for this story!

Session 7

We worked a couple of cases after that, we were friends, close friends ish I mean, he talked to me about his family, mainly his kids. Even by then we already had that rapport going you know, where we walked in sync while we argued possible motives or how the crime played out.

The next memorable case is probably the one with this famous travel writer, he was found murdered. That's when I remember the touching beginning, you know leaning to close over to look at the computer, brushing of hands and stuff. It's really sad in a way, he sent fireworks coursing through my body even back then.

That case is also the first time I remember choosing Elliot. A perp threw a rail of clothing towards him before breaking out in a run and I hesitated to ask him if he was alright. The first time but it definitely wasn't the last time.

It was also the first time I doubted the so called victim. First big disagreement between Elliot and I too, he believed the teenager and I didn't. I remember when the mother went to hit me and Elliot stood in front of me, protective son of a bitch even then.

The most memorable part of that case though is a conversation Elliot and I had when we were still disagreeing about who the killer was.

"The Mom had a revolving door of boyfriends, Virginia learned at an early age that men were just a commodity. That, an as arcane as it sounds, there is some truth to the notion that every girl wants to marry her father." Olivia explained as she desperately tried to get it through to Elliot that she was right, they didn't often disagree but this was probably the strongest disagreement they'd had.

"But most of them out grow it." Elliot replied simply, he understood her points and concepts but he was struggling to believe them.

"When a father is absent it is not unusual for a younger girl to be attracted to an older man." Olivia continued hoping he'd understand.

"That's what this is about?" Elliot asked as they continued to walk in sync.

"It happens a lot more than you think." Olivia replied looking at her partner.

"How old were you?" He said turning to meet her gaze.

She looked at him for a moment then turned away, she should have known he'd figure it out that there was a personal connection to what she was saying.

"Almost seventeen." She replied eventually, this was too personal for her liking.

"And he was?" Elliot asked trying to understand his partner's point of view.

It was obvious to anyone that Olivia was uncomfortable with the questions.

"Older than seventeen." She replied as if that was enough to keep his questions at bay, she'd proved her point she just wanted him to accept it for what it was. "About as old as I am now and I'll tell you something now, I couldn't have loved him more." She added knowing that he would ask and she knew she wouldn't be able to dance around the topic.

"I don't care how you look at it, it's an unequal relationship being in love does not absolve an affair." Elliot replied frustrating his partner.

"I'm not saying that love is ever an excuse." She snapped a little. "I'm saying that soul mates come in all shapes and sizes and ages…"

"Soul mates? Come on… Olivia?" Elliot argued.

"Elliot…" Olivia had to change the subject. "She didn't remember the position of the body have you ever seen that?" She argued coming to a stop to make full eye contact with her partner. "What are you trying to protect in her…"

"Her." He replied instantly. "I'm trying to protect her."

"No! You're trying to protect your daughter and you need to can't." Olivia argued knowing her partner well enough to know it would rattle him that she was bringing his kids up.

"Don't bring her into this." He said firmly pushing each word.

And that was it. End of conversation, but whereas I was being honest even if I did change the subject he still wasn't comfortable admitting that sometimes he saw his kids in the cases and sometimes it impaired his judgement, he actually scared me a little when he said 'don't bring her into this' there was a glare in his eyes that sorta said I had no right to think that he was thinking of her.

He warned me in the next big case. It's kinda funny when I think about it now but the case we were working rape homicide, the students on the campus had placed banners and flowers at the place where the body was found and he said if I ever let that happen to where he went down he would haunt me… a week after the funeral I built up the courage to go back to the warehouse.

He would kill me if … if he could. I went there and I took just a couple of candles and a bouquet of flowers, I know he would hate it but I did it anyway.

"What did you right on the card?"

I wrote a letter rather than a card. I wrote just a small letter.

My fallen hero,

If you haunt me that's ok, I don't mind its better having you haunt me than not having you at all.

I'm going to miss you everyday El, every single day for the rest of my life but our baby is going to keep just a part of you alive for me, a part of us, a reminder of what we had together even if it wasn't meant to last.

I feel blessed to have been allowed that part of you for the little time than the thought of not having had you at all.

All my love always for now and forever

Liv

It made me feel a little better, not much but a little even though I know he'll never read the letter … I can imagine he did you know?

Anyway back to our first year as partners. The next memorable case is one that has haunted me my entire career.

His name was Richard White.

It all started with the rape and murder of ADA Karen Fitzgerald, she was a friend of mine sorta we'd shared drinks after court but more acquaintances than friends. Anyway, he was a suspect in the case and after breaking through his alibi it was easy.

He was a power reassurance rapist you know? He didn't like strong, independent women and after going toe to toe with him in interrogation he uh… he fixated on me.

"What was it like before you became a Detective?" White asked walking towards her, she was standing her ground and showing no weakness.

"What was what like?" She asked confidently in reply.

"I mean did you wear a uniform?" He asked coming to stop right in front of her and looking into her chocolate orbs. "You're still wearing one now although…" he looked her up and down as he spoke.

"Oh come on now we're not here to talk about me." She interrupted smugly bringing his eyes back to hers.

"I get it, enough about me what do you think about me? Right?"

"Right." Olivia sniggered. "Well for openers your alibi for Fitzgerald is shredding." Olivia said as she walked around the table to where he had walked off.

"Oh?" He replied.

"Yeah the lock box seems like anybody could have used it if they had your code." Olivia explained with a look in her eye that said she was winning and loving it. "you didn't have to be there."

"But I was." He smirked.

"See this is weird because your partner says you weren't." Olivia continued with the same smug look on her face.

"She wasn't telling the truth." He shrugged still as confident as when he first walked into the room annoying the fuck out of Olivia but she wasn't going to let it show.

"How can you be so sure?" Olivia sniggered.

"Because you're not." He replied making sure to catch her eyes.

"Oh." Olivia replied walking away making it obvious she didn't believe him.

"You dress down but you're very attractive." He said as she walked away.

"Oh, is this some of your famous charm White?" Olivia began turning on the heat.

"Richard, Olivia." Her told her quite firmly.

"It's Detective Benson." She replied enforcing her authority knowing he would hate it.

"I know. A year and a half in special victims unit, a graduate of Sienna College." He said and she tried desperately to hide how much that freaked her out, that he'd looked her up. "It's public record, you can find almost anything if you know where to look."

"You know what you are?" She was getting really rattled.

"A relator."

"You're a nosy parker." She said.

"And you're a bitch." He snapped maintaining the stare she was giving him.

"Did I hit a nerve?" She asked standing barely a foot away with her eyes glued on his.

"I don't have any nerves." He replied cockily. "How about you?" He asked brushing a hand down her face making her squirm uncomfortably.

"We'll see." She said with a shit eating grin on her face.

"Look I've got a quaint turn of the century rat hole to show, unless you've got some evidence to book me…"

"Go with God… Richard." She sighed knowing that they had nothing and would have to let him go.

After searching his house we found a list of places he'd written, Elliot called them all thinking that maybe Fitzgerald went there, he then realised that he knew the places, they were places I went to.

The next morning he came to get me to work. He said he was 'in the neighbourhood' but he had the sedan, it was quite funny. It's really sad that I remember I was drinking orange juice, I remember because he drank from my glass… how sad.

I then received my own bouquet of twelve roses, with a card saying no hard feelings. It's one of those cases that I'm never going to get out of my head you know, every time I ever received flowers after that I'd be paranoid.

That evening Elliot offered to walk me up to my door and when I stopped him he told me to flick my lights, he would have stayed there all night if I hadn't. Stubborn son of a bitch. That very night White called me, scared the shit out of me the phone ringing did. He wanted to meet me in Central Park, warned me not to bring any cops but of course that wasn't going to happen.

We set the fucker up, he held a knife to my throat that morning. For one moment I thought none of them were coming and the sound of Elliot's voice echoing telling him to drop the knife … I've never been that pleased to hear any voice in my life.

Probably where I fell in love with him. I mean, he was my hero I was probably having some … I don't know if there's a name for it but I was the damsel in distress and he was my prince charming, any woman in my position would have started having the same feelings.

"I'm fixed on you… and until I'm dead, I'll always be in your head, just like your mother has someone in her head. Hmm, we're joined at the hip now aren't we? … Detective Stabler, how are Kathy and the kids?"

He was right. He will always be in my head … but not just until he dies, he will always be in my head no matter what but the most shocking thing was and is, I wasn't scared for me, or of what he said to me that day. I was scared of what he said to Elliot, it infuriated me to hear him threaten his wife and his kids.