(10) Pressure
"We need to talk, Bella." Charlie curved his lips into a grimace and I decided to guard my words because he can't know the truth ever.
"Okay." I walked over to the small kitchen table and sat in the chair slowly. I ran my hands through my hair and felt the texture destroyed from the rain and dampness.
"I don't even know where to start." Charlie sighed and I continued to stare at him with a blank expression. I was seething underneath the guilty exterior. How could he take my journal? That is a huge violation of my privacy. I don't go in his bedroom and look at his things. A different feeling flooded my thoughts. I didn't leave the journal in the living room in plain view of him? Did I?
"It's just a journal. Nobody really means what they write in there." I struggled to come up with the right words. I was going to have to lie to the highest degree to keep Charlie appeased.
"The things you wrote in here, honey. I think you meant them." Charlie looked a little frightened of me and he opened the journal. I instinctively reached out for the evidence but he was leafing to the exact spot he had read. I swallowed the whole glass of water willing myself not to cry.
"Why did I ever have to discover he was a vampire?" Charlie's eyes pierced straight through me. "My life would be so much simpler if I never knew. Now, I am putting everyone I know in danger. I can never tell. Maybe it's better that the Cullen's left after all I could blow their cover at any time. I want him here so bad. I would give my life to have him with me." He set the journal on the table and rubbed his temples. I felt my lower lip tremble and realized I was biting so hard blood was running down my chin.
"It's not real Dad." I pleaded half-heartedly rubbing the blood from my chin. "I'm sorry."
"What am I going to do? You need help, Bella." Charlie snapped and I got extremely nervous. My knees were shaking and I wobbled over to him.
"That's not the truth. Why would I ever think that he was a vampire? That's ridiculous. He left me and it hurts. I write about my pain." I was clinging to any explanation to cover my stupidity. Charlie sat still as a stone at the table without looking at me. I could see the resolve in his eyes "So that's it then. Whatever I say doesn't matter. There's nothing you can do anyways." I threatened and flinched at his expression.
Charlie slammed his fist on the table. I jumped and walked backwards. The kitchen table shook for a minute. "Your mother is on her way from the airport. She was in Arizona earlier today when I called her cell." He declared and waited for my reaction.
"You called Mom?" I asked outraged.
Charlie nodded his head. "I think you need to go upstairs." I wanted to quell the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I had so many unfinished truths to tell him but he wasn't going to listen to me anymore tonight. The worried gnawed at my stomach. I put the bottle I used in the sink and gave a last look at Charlie. He was staring out the window. The expression in his eyes was unreadable. I turned defeated and went to my room.
I kicked the comforter under my bed. My hands were still shaking and I didn't know why. I took two more pain pills and didn't bother changing for bed. I climbed in with my clothes and threw the blanket over my head.
The tapping on my door disturbed my sleep. I found my way out of the burrowed hole I created in my bed. I shivered as I walked to the door. Renee waited on the other side with her hands on her hips. Not a good sign.
"Hi Mom." I said awkwardly and walked over to my bed. I sat and watched her pause before joining me. "You got here fast."
"What's going on Bella?" My Mom had a slight pain behind her eyes. I felt sick causing her any sort of pain whether it was self-inflicted or not.
"It's just a journal. Nobody really means anything they write in those things." I quibble. I'm grasping for any ploy to keep Renee from worrying.
"Edward is very special to you." She stopped and I didn't answer because it was a rhetorical question. I didn't want to talk about this right now. "I didn't understand how bad it was until I seen it with my own eyes."
"What are you talking about?" The shade of defensiveness was apparent in my question.
"You are not handling this when you told me you were. You look bad, honey. Your eyes are withdrawn and you look too thin." Renee squeezes my arm, which I suppose was suppose to make me feel better but it doesn't.
"So I'll sleep and eat more." I try to sound sarcastic but it ends up sounding pathetic.
"Bella, you know what I mean. I think Charlie is right." Renee announces and I actually do a double take.
"About what?" I ask defiantly. I examine my Mother's eyes and see her tiredness. I put her through a lot. Charlie did not need to call her and put her through this charade. I started to get angry again.
"You need to get away from this town." She saw my immediate disapproval. "Not forever. I think you need to talk about what is going in your life." That's the last thing I wanted to do. "You'll feel better." No, I won't I thought.
I shook my head because I didn't want to hear anymore. "That's not going to help." I spew and exclaim loudly. "I just want to go to school and get through this year."
"Then what?" Renee challenged.
"Then I go to college and move on with my life." I clamor for a valid argument. Renee guffaws and knows I'm lying. I will wait forever if I have too. He'll come back. He has too. I approach the very scary threshold of sanity. Why am I clinging to him? He isn't coming back. I scolded myself.
"We found this place it's in Pacific Beach almost a half-hour from Forks." Renee paused to gauge my reaction. I shook my head roughly. That was way too far.
"I'm not going. I'm an adult. Legal. I will not commit myself to a asylum." I claimed and threw my arms across my chest ready to runaway if they forced me to hang out with a bunch of crazies.
"It's not an asylum. Honey, we don't think you're crazy. It's called, "Serenity Youth Program". It's a premier facility that I really think could help you." Renee grasps my hand, which I do not find comforting.
"I can't go." I try to reason but am quickly losing the fight. I need you to come back to me. Prove everyone wrong that I did not imagine your presence or your love. I am suddenly having difficulty breathing.
"It's a month just think of it as a vacation. You get to see some of Washington and have a little solitude. You could write some more in your journal." Renee quickly stops and I wonder if she is wishing she didn't bring up the journal.
"I didn't imagine Edward." I wince as the stabs of pain hit my stomach. "He's real. Do you want to see his house?"
"Maybe, some other time." Renee stares at me sadly and I wish I had the pictures I took of Edward. He took them when he so completely erased himself from my life. I was left with incoherent mumblings that he was coming back.
Charlie walks in my room and stands by the doorway. I look miserably at the floor. Was it my imagination? Did Edward even exist? I hate being questioned.
"Dad, tell Mom that Edward was real. He came over and met you." I struggle to finish the story but I don't have too.
"Yeah, he's real." Charlie says slowly but I see his eyes flicker. That little movement debased his whole conversation.
"Rest, Bella. Tomorrow we'll go and check in to Serenity." Renee starts to brush my hair like she did when I was little.
I lean gratefully into her shoulder and let her stroke my hair. Tears roll down my face. "I don't want to go." I say in a tiny voice.
"Bella, the only alternative is to go to Serenity or come with me to Florida." Renee omits and I sigh heavily. So this was it. My final ultimatum, I didn't have anywhere to go. I didn't have a lot of money so I was stuck. She knew it and Charlie knew it.
"I'm tired." I whisper and feel defeated. My body sags against her and she beckons Charlie to help her lower me to the bed. I let Charlie tuck me in even though I'm furious that he caused all this nonsense.
"Don't worry Bells." Charlie puts his finger on my cheek, I turn abruptly and close my eyes. I wish I could run away but I didn't have that much money unless I quit school and got a full time job. That wouldn't work. My eyes were getting heavy possibly with all the strain I was put under today. Charlie and Renee left me alone. The door stood open a crack and I settled in to sleep.
I fought the nightmares and felt my eyes snap open. I heard a noise and I went still. The tapping continued and I strained my ears to find the direction. It was coming from my window. I pulled the covers around me and stifled a yelp. Then I heard my name. It couldn't be. What did he think he was doing?