Flower Born of Flames
Chapter 5
Katniss didn't know whether to yell or to cry.
How was she supposed to win the Hunger Games now?
As she sat on the floor in the corner of her room, Katniss forced herself to admit that she really didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to react. What was her next step? How was she supposed to cope with this? Not only did she not know what to do, she didn't know what to think.
She was completely out of her territory. Hunting was her territory. Tracking, stalking down and killing prey. It was always so straightforward and logical. It was plain and simple. There was no messy emotion to get in the way of that simplicity.
But this? This was something that she had never even thought about preparing for.
Peeta was in love with her.
Why did something so simple have so many complicated meanings?
Logically, this knowledge wasn't a lot. Technically, it was simple. But this wasn't a technical situation. Katniss wasn't quite sure about the exact term one would use to describe this situation, but technical wasn't it.
No this was far more complicated; this was a void. A never ending dark and endless passage of earth-shattering and destructive emotion.
Katniss usually deprived herself of those kinds of things. Feelings. She figured it out long ago that if she wanted to survive and provide for her family then she needed to rid herself from them as much as possible. And for the most part, she was able to accomplish this small goal even if only for a little while. The method had worked rather well for the most part.
But now that she was presented with the emotions of someone else, she didn't know how to respond.
Peeta was in love with her.
Even as she repeated the idea to herself she still couldn't wrap her head around the notion. She understood what the words meant surely enough. While growing up in the Seam, Katniss understood what kept her neighbors together. Despite the fact that Seam people had practically nothing, they did have one thing.
Usually, love was the only thing the people of Panem were allowed to have freely. They weren't allowed to poach, they weren't allowed to speak freely, they were forced to do things they didn't want to do. But love, that was different.
There was really no way the Capitol could control that.
Not that they wanted to. There was no point in trying to get people to stop loving one another. If anything, that was how the Capitol got what it wanted. The Capitol counted on love between people, so those people could be controlled. Why else would children sign up for tessarae? Why else would people continue to live their horrible and probably meaningless existences?
Because every human have love for something.
In Katniss's case, she loved her sister. That was her motivation and drive. Katniss was familiar with love. She had loved her father, very dearly. At one point Katniss even remembered loving her mother. She didn't know what she felt toward her at that point, but she did know she had experienced the feeling. All those relationships were ones of love. So Katniss knew what the feeling was.
… but this was different.
The kind of love that Katniss had overheard her fellow tribute and her mentor speaking about wasn't the kind of love that she knew. Not personally anyway. This was the kind of love that was shared between two people, usually a man and a woman. Katniss knew what it was. At least, she thought she did. She knew enough to realize that she'd never felt it for someone before.
It was the relationship that her parents shared. Katniss remembered it briefly. It was the basis for what she thought she knew about the subject. The way the pair interacted around another was how she got her information. Most of the things she remembered were very brief, very subtle. There wasn't very much really. But enough.
She recalled the way her parents looked at each other. They shared glances and would block out the rest of the world. When they would greet each other, they would smile in a certain way that they didn't show to another. During the small amount of times when they were together, they didn't need to say much but somehow they communicated. Sometimes when Katniss saw them alone together, she saw the way that they held each other, touch one another in simple gestures. Her parents simply had a certain bond with each other, one that they didn't share with anyone else.
And then there were the other things that went on between a man and a woman.
Living in the Seam, Katniss was accustomed to thin walls. Not only did that mean that there were no privacy, but there were no secrets either. Whatever occurred around the Seam that was good enough for gossips' ears, knowledge of that event became public knowledge. The topic of nightly trysts was something that everyone in District twelve spoke about. Male or female, young or old.
Katniss had to admit that she'd accidentally become somewhat of a witness to these events. Teenagers never had any privacy, but tried their hardest. The woods right outside the fence were the most popular spots for these activities.
Regretfully, Katniss had stumbled upon a young couple from the Seam in the act only about a few months after her father's death. It had been before she met Gale, so she was alone. She had been distracted while tracking a rabbit and didn't notice their approach. Thankfully Katniss had the instinct to instantly hide, at first fearing that it was a peacekeeper. Only when she heard giggling and soft moaning did she realize that it wasn't a peacekeeper.
Hiding on the other side of a hill in the shadows, Katniss had plenty of cover. The log separating her eyes from the pair had enough holes for her to look out for any potential threats. Katniss couldn't leave, too afraid of being spotted. So she was forced to sit there and wait for them to leave.
That was how she was able to witness everything.
Everything.
She never saw their faces, but Katniss was glad she didn't – she would probably have to look one of them in the eye in the future. But she saw everything else. What happened before Katniss's eyes was the how the pair moved against each other. She witnessed the amount of bare skin shared. The touches, the kissing, the nuzzling.
Then there were the sounds. Grunts, moans, and cries. They were never painful, angered or scared, instead they were filled with pleasure. Katniss could have seen more, but she could only bring herself to watch for a few minutes. After that she only listened. Eventually after a gradual increase in volume, the pair made a final loud noise before it was all but silent. Except for the sounds of their breathing. It took only a few minutes for the two to collect themselves and their clothes, before left a little quieter than they had arrived.
It wasn't until Katniss could no longer hear the sounds of their movements did she emerge from her hiding spot and then proceed to finding something else to track. Once back into her hunting state of mind, she pushed what she just witnessed aside until she made it back to her bed that evening. Only then did she allow herself to think about it.
Katniss had mixed feelings about the experience. She regretted witnessing something so private. It was like watching someone in their most vulnerable state. She was very glad she hadn't seen their faces. All she did know was that they were both dark-haired and olive-skinned. Definitely from the Seam. She'd run into them, even if only briefly. She was glad she wouldn't recognize them.
But then on the other side, Katniss was grateful for the experience. She had received a good amount of information on the subject, something that her mother liked to politely refer to as 'being intimate' with someone. Her mother and teachers had equally told her about the subject, but before seeing it in real life she never really understood it.
She never expected it to be so … intense. She couldn't think of another way to explain it. The first time she heard about 'being intimate', Katniss was only five and her impression was that the act was not only awkward, but strange and not to mention disgusting. In her child's mind, she didn't know why people would want to even do it in the first place. It didn't take Katniss long to realize that it happened more often than just when she'd witnessed it.
Afterward Katniss didn't think about it until the next time she came across a young pair. She never stayed to watch or interrupt them; she was either just too embarrassed or really didn't care. Her first and only witnessing was all she needed. So after some time, she grew as accustomed to young couples in the forest just as much as the trees or other animals. Whenever she came across a pair, Katniss did her best not to be noticed. She would take a small detour around them, and then got as far away as possible.
It was best that way.
Gale's presence changed this behavior. The first time Katniss and her hunting partner came across another pair of lovers, he was just plain curious. Katniss would encourage him to leave it go and leave, but he insisted on watching. Katniss would hide right next to him, but would cover her ears and eyes. Gale on the other hand just found it as fascinating as learning a new snare. The way he reacted, it could have been a pair of rabbits instead of humans.
It usually happened the same way every time too. Gale would observe, evaluating the different pairs. Meanwhile, Katniss would try her best to ignore them, making it obvious that she'd rather be hunting. Gale would tell her who it was – another thing she hated – before listing off mistakes or differences. He never described anything in detail, and Katniss never asked questions. Usually she would just make sure her bow and arrows were in working order during this time. It distracted her.
They came to a silent agreement that whenever they stumbled upon this, Katniss and Gale would hide nearby. It was best that they keep a low profile nearby while it happened; animals would grow confused otherwise. After a few years Gale wasn't as curious anymore. They were still forced to hide out nearby, but sometimes Gale became bored. Katniss was content by just leaving them be; they never lingered long.
But Gale was usually the one that enjoyed being malicious, trying to spook the couples. He particularly enjoyed scaring merchant couples from town. He didn't do anything too extreme, just make some noise so they'd leave quicker. Katniss always tried persuading him otherwise, but never took any real actions to stop him. She was annoyed with them scaring away the game too, but it was really never their business.
Katniss supposed that her reasoning was that she didn't want to bother anyone like that. If the pair were fortunate enough to have love like that, she didn't want to interrupt it. Just because she didn't want that for herself, didn't mean she wanted to deprive others of that pleasure. She wasn't cruel.
Although Katniss wasn't cruel, she had never been known for her kindness either. So how was she supposed to deal with this?
Peeta was in love with her.
He loved her the way that her father loved her mother. … and like all those young couples she'd seen in the forest. The thought made her blush. Katniss realized that people shared those kinds of thoughts about each other, but when she imagined someone thinking that way about her … it just made her feel uncomfortable.
But pushing all the 'being intimate' business, Peeta loving her would explain several things.
It would explain the bread all those years ago. He'd burned them on purpose and thrown them to her, but it hadn't been because of his genuine kindness. His affections explained his blush at her during dinner – it hadn't been because she was dressed inappropriately. And the reason he'd given her his cake wasn't only because he couldn't eat anymore. He wanted her to have it.
This also meant that Peeta wasn't being nice to try and lure her into a false sense of security.
After Katniss heard Peeta's explanation to Haymitch, she'd stayed put for several moments. She didn't know why, but she stayed and listened to the rest of the conversation. Only later did she regret it.
Because as she stood there, Katniss overheard several more things she wished she didn't.
Once Peeta admitted his long-time feelings for her, Haymitch pressed him about a few things. Their mentor asked about what Peeta was planning for the arena, and how he would face Katniss. Peeta's reply had been simple; he intended for Katniss to win. His strategy was to make sure that she left the arena alive, no matter what that meant.
When Haymitch questioned as to why he wouldn't try to win himself, Peeta's reply had been, "There's no way I'm going to win. But she has a chance." Katniss found herself wondering if he really believed his own words. "And if I'm going to die anyway, I might as well give her more of a fighting chance." When he chuckled bitterly it sent a shiver down Katniss's spine. "Besides, I don't think I could deal with it if she died and I didn't."
Haymitch chuckled at this comment. "Couldn't go on without her, eh?" There was some splashing of water during the pause. "Gees kid, you're even good at pulling at my unromantic heartstrings."
That struck a cord. "If you're gonna make fun of me, I can leave."
"Nah, stay," Haymitch insisted. He obviously hadn't meant it to be harsh. "I know you ain't lying. But don't you have a family back home? Won't they care if you're dead?"
Peeta paused. It left Katniss time to think about the question too. Peeta had both his parents and two older brothers back home. Katniss knew in the very least his father, Mr. Mellark, would have been upset if Peeta never returned. That had been apparent by the baker's tear-streaked face when he had visited Katniss before she departed.
Was Peeta completely forgetting about his family?
"They … won't miss me," Peeta finally admitted. Katniss was a little disturbed by his casual tone, like he wasn't upset by this confession. He said it like it was just another fact, something that everyone should know. Didn't it upset him that his family wouldn't miss him? "Not as much as her family would miss her."
"Oh yeah," their mentor mentioned, like he was recalling something. "Seen her in the Hob a few times. And then there was that sister of hers she volunteered for, right?"
"She's got something to come home to," was Peeta's answer, pointing things out matter-of-factly. "I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if she couldn't come back to them."
There was a clank, almost like glass on marble. Haymitch must have dropped his bottle of spirits. "Well, you're a much better human than this old drunk," Haymitch admitted with an amused chuckle. "So tell you what? If you really want to do this and succeed, you gotta listen to me alright?" There was silence, and Katniss assumed Peeta nodded. "First off, don't tell her any of this, got it?"
Those words had been the last thing Katniss heard before she ran out of the room. She didn't even think about staying longer, not after what she'd heard. After she found her way back to her own chambers she quickly locked the door behind her. She had no idea how she'd found herself sitting in the corner, her knees pulled up to her chest as she contemplated all that she'd just heard.
Peeta was in love with her.
It did cross Katniss's mind that her fellow tribute may have been lying. Neither Peeta nor Haymitch knew she'd been listening, so they had no reason to put on a pretense. Besides, somehow Katniss knew in her gut that Peeta had been telling the truth. It was the way he spoke, the tone in his voice. There was no waver of falseness. Besides, even if she didn't want it to be true, Peeta's admittance cleared up everything that had been a mystery to Katniss.
Peeta was in love with her.
Katniss didn't need another answer, because the one she received explained everything.
As if bad couldn't get worse, now Peeta and Haymitch were devising a plan to help Katniss win the Hunger Games, even if it meant sacrificing Peeta's life.
Why couldn't this have been easier?
When Katniss volunteered herself instead of her sister, the only thing she could think of was to win, for Prim. In the very least she just didn't want her sister to die such an awful death. But then she realized that she didn't want Prim to die of starvation either. That meant that she needed to come back home. She loved Prim more than anything, and Katniss knew that she had to come back home to take care of her.
But now Peeta wanted her to win too … because he loved her.
Katniss held her head between her hands. The thoughts swirling around inside of it made it begin to ache.
Why?
Why did he have to love her?
Katniss had always been so concentrated on feeding her family that she pushed aside all those feelings, forgetting even the possibility of love. Had she expected the rest of the world to push her aside her too? Maybe she did.
But still … this?
Did fate hate her?
On the other end of that argument, hadn't winning the Hunger Games been Katniss's goal all along? So why did it upset her so much knowing that Peeta was going to help her? It wasn't like she was in love with him too. No, Katniss didn't feel that way about him. She didn't even know him. Before that day, she had never even spoken to him. No, Katniss didn't love Peeta, but that didn't mean she wanted him dead either.
But wasn't that the only way she could win and go home?
Katniss was jolted from her thoughts and looked up when a knock came at her door. Although her first impulse was to either ignore them or tell the person to go away, she remembered that it was probably the train attendant. The one who was bringing the warm milk she'd requested.
Once there was a second knock, Katniss called that she was coming before she pulled herself up, and went over to the door. The tray that was displayed before her took Katniss off guard. On the relatively small tray were two mugs filled with steaming white milk, just like she had ordered. But it wasn't alone.
Accompanying the beverages was a selection of cookies and other baked goods she couldn't name because she'd never seen them before. And besides the milk and cookies, sitting in the corner of the tray was a small bottle with a round red lid. The painkillers she'd requested.
Well, her head had been killing her ever since she knocked it against Peeta's. Now even more so because of all the thinking and dwelling.
So with a simple thank you Katniss closed the door. She put the tray on her bedside table, and then found herself staring at the two cups. The only reason she'd requested the second was because she wanted to apologize to Peeta for bumping his head. After all, Peeta had been helping her pick up the mess she'd made on her own, and didn't even complain. But giving the milk to Peeta meant that she would have to talk to him.
And at that moment she wasn't sure if she wanted to or not. Talk to him, that was.
Katniss simply stood there and watched the steam rise from the white liquid. If she spoke to Peeta, she could find out if what he said to Haymitch was true or not. Part of her knew it was, but hearing it out loud would assure the other part of her. The part that was in denial.
Then again, Katniss wasn't supposed to have heard that conversation. She did anyway, and she knew everything now. But Katniss didn't think she would be able to sleep that night, at least not until she got a straight answer from him. And she would need her sleep for Effie's infamous 'big, big, big' day tomorrow.
Even if Katniss didn't like the thought of Peeta sacrificing himself for her, his plan to help her win was sounding more and more appealing. After all, was that not what Katniss wanted in the long run? That was what she had promised Prim, that she would try to win. If Peeta was willing, and wanted to, who was she to prevent him from helping her?
Could she even prevent him from helping her?
But then there was the issue of the bread. The bread Peeta had given her all those years ago. She still hadn't paid him back for that. She hadn't even so much as thanked him for that. Katniss wasn't about to let Peeta sacrifice himself without thanking him, in the very least. That was something she really wouldn't be able to live with.
For the first time since she'd entered her room, Katniss noticed an outfit laid out on the bed. What had Effie told her? That she picked out her night clothes? Katniss had to admit that the tight dress she had worn for dinner was getting uncomfortable. It had been uncomfortable to begin with, but now it was just horrible.
Katniss didn't need to think about it before she reached behind her to unfasten it. After several tries, she managed to open her zipper without ripping the fabric. Once down to her underwear, Katniss picked up the first piece of clothing. It looked like a very short dress.
After she slipped it over her head, she found that it gathered under her chest like a bra would, and fell just below her hipbones. There were no sleeves, only some lace on the edge of the wide straps. It was relatively comfortable, but Katniss couldn't forget that it was short. It revealed the underwear she was wearing.
But then she turned to the other piece. It was a matching pair of very small shorts, with the same lace around the leg holes. But upon further inspection, she noticed how they were lined like underwear as well. Which were they, shorts or underwear?
Making up her mind quickly, Katniss removed the uncomfortable pair Effie forced on her for dinner before putting these new ones on. As she looked at herself in the mirror on the wall, it was clear that they were visible from underneath the dress part.
Were they supposed to do that?
It would make sense why the shorts had lace on them. Katniss was tempted to find something that covered her a little more, but she didn't want to brave the closets. Besides, at that point she wasn't in the mood to waste time, and she was already changed too.
Kicking her dining clothes into the corner, Katniss picked up the tray on her bedside table before she headed outside. The trip to Peeta's chambers wasn't long; they were right next door. For several seconds she stood outside the door before she gathered the confidence to raise her hand and knock.
Did she really want to do this? She could just go back to her room. But she couldn't let this go. She had to at least thank him for the bread, and apologize for the bump. Besides, it wasn't going to be that difficult. All she really needed to do was drop off the tray, say thank you, say sorry and then leave. She didn't even have to enter the room.
Katniss contemplated all of this while she heard her knuckles rap on the door, like they had a will of their own. Apparently her body wanted to get this over with before her mind decided something else. After she knocked, for several seconds Katniss braced herself, but nothing happened.
So she knocked again.
Nothing.
Was he asleep?
The third time she knocked, the door slid open and Katniss found herself staring into an empty room. For a moment she was just surprised. If Peeta didn't answer the door, why did the door open? But then she took a glance inside. Maybe he did it remotely?
Katniss took a few steps inside after she poked her head in and glanced around. It was exactly the same as her own room. The bed, the walls, the decorations were all the same. The only difference was that the entire thing was mirrored.
But no Peeta.
Was he still in Haymitch's room? Katniss had been sure that she heard footsteps walking around in the hallway while she'd been sitting in her room. They had been too heavy to belong to Haymitch, and weren't quick and clicky enough to be Effie. It had to have been Peeta walking around outside. And where else would he go but his room?
So where was he?
As she took a few more steps, Katniss almost jumped when the door closed behind her by itself. Maybe it was automatic, just like so many of the other things on the train. Once the door was closed and she got her wits about her, Katniss realized that it wasn't entirely quiet. She heard a faint noise. And it was coming from the direction of the door leading to the bathroom.
Running water.
It was fainter than it had been in Haymitch's room, seeing as it was probably the shower faucet and not the tub. But that told her one thing; Peeta was showering, and would probably be there for a while. If he had any kind of experience that she had with her own shower – with all its knobs and buttons – he wasn't about to emerge shortly.
Just great.
Katniss had gone and gathered up the will to come there, and Peeta wasn't even there.
So now what was she supposed to do?
Katniss could always leave and then come back and hope he was out of the shower. But when? How long would she just wait in her room? On the other hand, there was the option of waiting right there. In the room.
But if she just stood there with a tray in her hands, staring at the door as he emerged he would obviously find something odd about that. Not to mention it would probably make her look stupid. She was not going to just stand there, so she might as well sit down.
Katniss glanced around the room. There were no chairs, only the bed and tables beside it. The tables were not an option. Sitting on the floor was probably as silly as just standing there. That only left one alternative.
The bed.
Would that be okay? It wasn't like she had many choices. But it was his bed, and she was going to sit on it. Katniss knew that if Peeta was sitting on her bed while waiting for her, she'd think it was strange. But there wasn't anywhere else to sit. What else could she do?
Pushing away her feelings, Katniss decided to go ahead and brave the bed. Once sitting on the edge of the plush mattress, she placed the tray in her hands down on the bedside table. With nothing else to do, it gave her time to actually look at the tray.
Her eyes drifted over towards the small bottle in the corner. She was surprised that they actually gave her a whole bottle. Weren't they afraid she would attempt an overdose or something? Katniss felt the lightness of the bottle as she picked it up to examine the label. After she read the directions, from the feel of it, she hadn't been given nearly enough of the painkillers to cause her any harm. Upon further inspection, she found that she'd only been given a single dosage. The bottle was just for the directions' sake.
Once the two little white pills were in her palm, she was reminded of the bump forming on her head. It ached a little. Surely that wouldn't be good to sleep on. Not to mention she was getting a headache without the bump, just from all the information her brain had been processing. Well, Katniss did not really want to talk to Peeta about something so sensitive and have her head hurt at the same time.
Might as well.
The pills slid down her throat easily, and were followed quickly by some of the warm milk. She had to admit that the milk did taste better than what Prim's goat Lady produced. It was probably cow's milk, something she'd only had the rare treat of tasting every so often. Katniss gulped down the whole mug before she knew it, and then wiped off her mouth with her arm.
Once she put the empty mug back down, Katniss saw the full one sitting next to it. She was really almost tempted to drink that one too. But it had been the whole reason she came there, so drinking it would be counter productive.
Katniss sat there for only a few moments, looking around the room at nothing in particular. What else was she supposed to do? When her eyes finally landed upon the pillows on the bed, she realized how tired she actually was.
Then again, it had been such a long day. The reaping, the ride on the train, dinner. And then there had been the conversation Katniss heard between Peeta and Haymitch, the thing that landed her sitting there in the first place. So much had happened in just one day. Had she really been eating berries with Gale in the woods that morning? It seemed so long ago.
Before Katniss could think about it clearly, she was pulling her feet up from the floor before she spread out her legs before her on the bed. Laying back against the pillows, she felt her eyes begin to droop. She really was exhausted.
Making sure to only put her head on one of the ten pillows, she laid back completely. If she really wasn't doing anything else, she could dose for a few minutes. It wasn't like she was going to sleep completely. As soon as Peeta emerged, she'd get right up and talk to him. She was always a light sleeper in the first place.
She'd be bound to hear him.
Katniss saw her vision begin to blur. Maybe she was more tired than she originally thought.
Oh well, it wasn't like he would be in there all night.
(A/N: Okay, I know this is starting out slow. I must warn all of you, that there are some parts where this fic will be slow, and then it will speed up, and then slow down again. But if I want to get out all the things I need to get out, there needs to be some slow parts. Besides, it's not like all of you are complaining about more to read, right? Once again, thanks for reading and please review!)