Present Day (Day Five)...
When you land at John Lennon Airport in Liverpool you breathe a sigh of relief. You are home. Well nearly. The nightmares and confusion of the last four days can be put to rest. You can put the whole experience behind you.
You interlace your fingers with Martins' as you walk past airport security into the arrivals lounge with your baggage in tow and smile up at him. Your rock. Always there. Solid and reliable. Warm and supportive. He smiles back ignoring the snide looks and comments from a group of kids next to you who must be returning from a summer school trip. His kisses you and it is as much a show of affection as it is a 'fuck you' to them and their intolerance.
"Glad to be home?" He asks lifting an eyebrow.
"Yeah."
"Same." He breathes a heavy sigh.
In the corner of your eye you see the silhouette of two bouncing, silent children beyond the security barrier. Lucas and Leah are waving frantically at you and Martin. Amy is next to them keeping them in check. You wave back with a big grin on your face and that is enough to kill Lucas's composure. He screams, "Daddy!" then ducks under the barrier and runs full pelt to you until his body collides with yours with a hard thud.
"Get back here, Lucas!" Amy hisses at him. "You shouldn't be there!"
You lift him up for a second to hug him. He is getting tall and gangly, like his parents. Heavy too so you set him down on his feet again.
"Mum said not to run and scream, Lucas!" Leah shouts as she runs to you too and pulls you into a four way hug. "Hi, Martin!"
"Hi, princess." Marty says to your twelve year-old daughter.
Amy dips her head in shame and waits for the four of you to make your way back to her if border security doesn't cart your children away for breach of security first.
"What did I say about staying on this side of the barrier?" She asks them firmly when they sheepishly look at her.
"Can't remember." Lucas says with a smile.
"I missed you so much, daddy." Leah says and adds shyly. "And you Martin."
"Same here!" Lucas says.
"We missed you too." You say before looking at a frazzled Amy. "Hey you."
"Welcome home, boys." She says.
XOXO
Going to Dublin has taught you two things about yourself that you aren't proud of. Firstly, you can be deceptive when you want to be. You lied by omission when you didn't tell Martin about what happened between you and Brendan in your hotel room even after he confessed to his kiss with Toby. Secondly, you have discovered how weak willed you really are. It took no more than a brief encounter with your first true love on his home turf to make you forget all that had been wrong with your relationship with him and all that was right with your relationship with Martin.
In that moment, in room 715 of the O'Callaghan Davenport, you wanted Brendan back.
"I love you."
That is what he said to you.
I love you.
I miss you.
Brendan seemed to mean it. He really did. The way he said it. The way he touched you when he said it. The way he made you feel. So, like an idiot, you fell for it and fell into his arms. You betrayed the promise to yourself to never give him the time of day ever again and your promise to Martin that it would only ever be you and him forever. You wanted him to love you so badly that you ignored how farfetched that fantasy was because that is what it has always been. A fantasy. There is no way Brendan has ever loved you. Ever.
You gullible idiot. You even said 'I love you' back.
You should know he is incapable of loving you by now. He is psychopathic. That is your conclusion after rifling through one of Martin's psychology books.
Psychopathy- a personality disorder characterised by a pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others. It may involve a lack of empathy or remorse, false emotions, selfishness, grandiosity or deceptiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, aggression, or inability to perceive danger and protect one's self or others.
He came to your hotel room and played with your emotions just because he could. He threw you a ray of hope only to cruelly tear it away with a scribbled note on the back of a faded picture. Predator toying with prey. There is only ever one conclusion in that scenario. Prey never wins. At best it survives for one more day.
When you looked in Martin's book for a term that defined you the closest you got was,
Masochist- someone who enjoys pain, or who derives pleasure from harming oneself or being harmed by others.
Maybe that is what you are. In a weird way you are addicted to the pain Brendan causes you. Why else did you give him yet one more chance when you have someone like Martin in your life?
"It has to stop." Amy's words cut through your thoughts. "Now. It has to stop."
She is firm with you just like when she is disciplining the kids. In fact this feels like a telling off.
"Yeah." You say then sip on your hot tea in the warm summer weather.
You are at her place, in her garden, during a break between lunch and dinner service at PECKISH!. You have been back in town two days but this is the first real chance the two of you have had to catch up since the kids are at friend's houses and your other halves are working.
You have filled her in on all the details of your trip from hell and she is far from happy.
"I'm serious, Ste. Enough already. It has been eight years since he came into your life. Six since he finally left. Brendan is a nut job. You have got to let go."
Your phone rings and you ignore it.
"Um, Ste. Phone."
"Yeah. Whatever. Ignore it." You say vaguely. You know it is a blocked number without looking at it. You have been getting between five and fifteen missed calls a day from it in the last two days.
"Who is it?" She asks.
"Not sure."
"Please tell me it isn't Brendan."
"As if!" You say incredulously. Besides you would know if Brendan was ringing you in a flash from the ring townunless he has changed his number. You turn the mobile onto silent to spare your ears. "I think it's Declan."
"Why? What do you think he wants?"
"Dunno. For me to be his dad's 'special friend'?" You have told her about the text he sent you.
"Maybe you should tell him that you already have a special friend thank you very much."
"No. I'm not talking to him. I don't want to get sucked into Brendan's life no more, Ames. "
I can't trust myself.
All of a sudden you feel tired. This emotional rollercoaster is exhausting.
"I get it." Amy says empathetically.
"I think I should tell Martin, you know, about what happened at the hotel." You say suddenly. "I can't lie to him. It's not fair."
"I don't think that's a good idea. I know that you should be honest but how is telling him going to help in this case. Draw a line under what happened and move on. Put it down to a bad decision."
You hold your head in your hand to hide your expression from Amy because at the time it didn't feel like the wrong decision. How can something that feels so perfect be so wrong?
"I don't want to be harsh, Ste, but Brendan doesn't love you. Someone like him doesn't know what love is. You know that right? He knew what he had to say to get you to cheat on Martin and get you into bed."
You feel yourself welling up because Ames is right. Of course she is. "I know."
You finish your tea in silence and then tell your best friend. "I love Martin. I do."
"But."
"No but."
"You don't love him as much as Brendan." She says as if this is fact.
You rest your head on her bony shoulder. Neither of you has meaningfully bulked up over the years despite her three excursions at child-bearing and your three trips a week to the gym. You are still a pair of waif-like baby-faced creatures that occasionally get IDed at clubs and when buying alcohol at the shops to the embarrassment of your partners.
"I don't know. It's hard to explain. Like with Brendan, I feel this fire in my belly." You touch your stomach. The flutter is there even just thinking about him. "I tell my body to stop feeling it, Ames, because it is stupid. Like what is the point? My common sense tells me to let it go but how I feel, it is like an instinct. I can't help it. When I am with him it becomes so big and I think how can I feel so strongly and it be just one sided? How can he not feel it too?"
You feel her stroke your head gently with her fingers, brushing against your short hair.
"He were ill when we were out there, under the weather with summat and all I could think were 'I want to know you'll be okay or make you some warm soup or get you checked out at the doctor or summat'. I still cared. And it hurt me when I left him at the restaurant and when I said bye to him at his flat and when I left Ireland but it were a thousand times worse when he walked out on me again at the hotel."
You look at her desperately. "Is there something wrong with me?"
"No. You're just being human."
"I'm insane. What's that saying Pete uses? 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again..."
"... And expecting different results'." Amy finishes. "Einstein."
"Yeah. I'm insane. Einstein can't be wrong."
"You are here in Chester not there with Brendan. There is hope." She gives you a chaste kiss on the lips. "But there are two things you have to consider. One is staying away from Brendan and the other is deciding whether you want to be with Martin. You can't string him along. Let him go if you won't give him one hundred and ten percent because you know he won't give you any less."
You think on this and make your mind up quickly. Five great years cannot be destroyed by four days.
"I think we should finally set a date."
She pulls you into a hug.
"Thank God for that!" She mutters against you in relief.
XOXO
Present Day (One month later)...
The 'blocked number' phone calls stopped a couple of days ago. The torture is finally over. You no longer have to deal with the internal struggle of not picking up the phone when it rings and you can try and forget the text Declan sent you before you left Ireland.
I really hope you guys make peace with each other. My dad needs a special friend right now.
Why aren't you relieved? Why do you feel like there is a huge void where the sound of the phone used to be. You got used to it and felt a little comforted by its insessant ringing but yesterday you only got two calls on your personal phone; one from Martin and one from Amy. Dejected, you got home and went straight to bed claiming a vicious headache when Martin picked up on your upset. When he joined you in bed later in the night and embraced you, you feigned sleep. You hid your tears from him.
Today, you have made a point of not checking your phone at all. You are at the end of dinner service at PECKISH!. It is eleven-thirty and you and Jo are nearly done cleaning up in the kitchen. The twenty-three year old sous-chef is a great help; private but keen to learn, hard-working, precise and inventive.
You are tired and all you want to do is go home, sleep and forget about the calls you are no longer getting but your night is not over yet. Martin is coming over to pick you up to take you out for drinks in town. It's a weekday and he has a normal working day tomorrow so you know this is him making a special effort for you; something he has been doing with more frequency since getting back from Dublin.
"Hi, Martin." Jo spots your other half before you do.
"Hi." Martin says to him then walks up to you as you stop polishing an already gleaming kitchen counter. He gives you a kiss. "Hi, handsome."
"Hi." You say. He is smartly dressed for the night ahead and looking fresh, flushed and pumped. His hair is wet and he smells of shower gel. "Did you go to the gym?"
"Yeah." He grins. "It's an addiction."
"It's not fair. I look like crap next to you." You pout.
He wraps his arms around your waist.
"Don't. I stink." You say.
"Of food." He says, sniffing your collar. "Um. Mouthwatering." He gives you a wink and your arse a hard slap. "Come on. Get showered and changed. Chester is waiting for us."
He leans in to give you an intense kiss that you return until you feel his hand cup your butt.
You push it away. "Jo's here."
"Please." Your sous-chef says as he runs a mop over the floor. "You guys are always all over each other."
"Does that make you uncomfortable?" Marty asks light-heartedly. "The gay thing?"
"No mate." Jo says and continues his chores. "My sister's gay so, like, whatever."
"Actually you can go now, Jo." You say. "I'm nearly done here anyway. Martin can help me close up."
"You sure?" Jo says but he has already dropped the mop and is taking his white uniform top off.
"Yeah. Good job today."
"Thanks boss. My girlfriend is waiting up for me so, thanks."
He practically sprints out of the place.
"Young love, ey?" Martin says when you hear the main door slam shut.
"Yeah."
He slowly unbuttons your white chef jacket and helps you out of it before tossing it aside to reveal your plain vest underneath.
"Remember how we were at the beginning?" He looks you up and down appreciatively. He has a knack of making you feel like you are the best thing since sliced bread, Martin has.
"Yeah." You grin then tease. "I wouldn't let you touch me with a barge pole!"
He laughs at that. "If barge pole is code for penis and touch you is code for fucking you then yes."
"Marty!" You shove him away.
"I was referring to how we were after the months of blue balls!"
"We made up for lost time." You say feeling your cheeks go red.
He grins and changes conversation to something more comfortable for you. "How was your day?"
"Busy in a good way. You?"
"Same old. Same old." He holds your hips so you automatically snake your arms over his shoulders. "Good, bad and ugly."
"Is it okay if we don't make tonight a really big one? I'm shattered." You confess.
He studies you for a while as if trying to read an agenda behind your words. "Yeah. Sure. We'll get a couple of drinks and then call it a night."
"Thanks. I'll get showered. Ten minutes. Tops." You pull out of his embrace but he grabs your arm and pulls you back to him.
"Um, before you go." He sounds hesitant. "I was thinking about what you said about getting married sooner rather than later."
Your heart flips. Neither of you have brought that up since your birthday party. You had hoped Martin would forget. It had been an impulsive suggestion. Not that you regret saying it... it is just that you are happy to wait.
"You don't want to?" You ask.
He grins at your worried expression. "Well, no. I mean, I've been doing some investigating. What do you think about getting married in Spain?"
"Huh?"
"It is legal there and I am half Spanish so it wouldn't be totally random."
"Spain?" You feel your mouth dry up.
"Yes. And it would be a proper marriage recognised by the state. Not a civil partnership. Not a civil union. Marriage."
"But the legal rights we will get here will be the same as Amy and Pete have. There is no difference."
"But theirs is called a marriage while ours won't be. That's inequality, Ste. Why can't we gays get married? It is the government's way of saying, 'all animals are equal but some are more equal than others'."
You scratch your head in exasperation. You haven't got a political bone in your body while Martin is all about championing gay rights. You don't see what the problem is. As long as you get equal entitlements to married straight couples and you and Martin forge a union of two committed people who love each other, you are happy.
"Your parents are Catholic, right?" You say gripping his hands.
You have seen pictures of Martin's baptism as a baby and confirmation as a pre-teen. He was a devote follower of the faith himself until he went to university and dared to attend Sunday mass at his local church with his then boyfriend only to be kicked out unceremoniously in the middle of service when the priest became upset with 'the sign of peace' Martin chose to show his boyfriend; a kiss on the cheek.
"Yes. What's your point?"
"If we go to Spain can we have our wedding in that small chapel they got married in?"
Your point dawns on him. "You know we can't."
"I rest my case. It doesn't matter whether the government says we are married or not. No one can force institutions like the church or individuals to change their beliefs, Marty."
"But marriage is about more than just you and me. We know what we mean to each other. I know it sounds soppy but I want to marry you because I want to publically acknowledge my love for you to the world. I want to know that we are protected in society so that if something happens to either of us then the other has rights. I want to tell everyone that the way I feel for you is no different to how straight people feel for each other. That we are just as worthy of marriage."
You feel a rising wave in the pit of your stomach that you recognise as guilt as it builds and builds.
You don't feel worthy of Martin right now. You feel like a con-artist. You should tell him about what happened with Brendan in Dublin; how you let yourself be touched by him and vice versa. How the only thing that stopped you going all the way was a stupid bit of latex.
You squeak trying to get your words out but he stops you with a kiss. You melt into him as he lifts you up onto a kitchen counter and circles your legs around his waist as he bruises your mouth with his. His hands go under your vest lifting it up and spread over your naked back. His face buries itself into your neck. You stare ahead at the door that has a green EXIT sign above it as you feel his touch on your body, his lips on your skin. You have a way out if you want it. It is right there but you don't take it.
You don't want to. He is your Martin so you wrap your legs around him more determinedly, trapping him to you and you whisper into his ear as your fingers play with his hair,
"I've got to get showered."
He groans and pushes off you. "Tease."
You give him a small smile as you jump off the counter and pull your vest down.
"If you want to tie the knot here in Chester it's no big deal." He concedes.
You look at his expectant face. He is all kinds of adorable really. And hot. And smart. And hard to say no to.
"I didn't say that, did I?" You say.
He frowns.
"What else did you find out about us getting married in Spain?"
"Oh." He grins getting it. "There is a venue just outside Barcelona. Castell De L'Oliver. The place I took you for that meal in the hills."
You remember. Beautiful. Classic. "The castle with the palm trees?"
He nods. "They have a last minute cancellation."
"When?"
"Kind of soon. Too soon maybe." He shrugs.
"Really soon?"
"This weekend."
Your heart speeds up and your breath catches in your throat; the beginnings of a panic attack.
That's in four day's time.
"It was a stupid thought really." Martin says. "There is no way we can cobble a ceremony together in that time."
You take a deep breath and calm down. Why the drama? This is what you want. You should be honoured to spend the rest of your life with Martin so you smile at him and say,
"You are kidding, right? Anything is possible. First thing tomorrow we should tell them we will take the booking. Maybe we can do a deal on all the stuff they prepared for the event that got cancelled. Then we have to see who can come, buy suits, plane tickets and organise accommodation."
"Are you serious? You want to do this?"
"We need to get wedding bands." You let a smile creep onto your face as you picture the moment where you will exchange rings.
Actually...
"How much do you reckon it'll cost us?"
"Shit loads." He says. He is grinning though.
He scoops you into his arms. He does have the tendency to lift you up given your disparate sizes. Normally, like now, it makes you feel safe and protected.
"Now let's get you cleaned up." He says as he carries you to the shower room round the back of the bistro.
You wrap your arms tightly around his neck and grin into it.
XOXO
John Lennon Airport...
"Okay, is everyone here?" Peter asks Amy while holding a wriggling Liam in his hands as she looks over a list of names in her hand. Given the short notice there are a fair number of your friends lined up in the departure lounge ready to fly out of Liverpool. They were all up for a last minute weekend away especially with the wicked deals Martin managed to find on flights and accommodation.
"I am!" Lucas shouts enthusiastically, clutching his hand luggage and small suit carrier.
"Me too!" Leah screams.
The kids have been ridiculously excitable since you and Martin told them the news of your trip to Spain. In the five years you have travelled out there on short breaks you have only taken them twice.
Amy checks everyone's names against a list in her hand.
"Yep. Everyone is present and accounted for, boss!" She tells her husband.
You glance at the departure board.
Ryanair Flight LPL-BCN 11.45-15.10 Now Boarding On time
All your guests are buzzing. You have friends from Hollyoaks; Doug, Mitzeee, Rae, Pierre, Rhys, Jacqui, Michaela and her brother John Paul. Mickey introduces to you as 'my gay brother' not remembering that you vaguely know John Paul from Hollyoaks High school where he was a few years your senior and where he was the subject of bullying for being gay. Four friends you met since moving to Chester five years ago are also coming including Chef Pierre. Martin's friends outnumber yours by a small margin. The three groups of friends blend nicely and will be joined by Martin's Scottish and Spanish family once you arrive in Barcelona. You try not to think about the fact that your mother is not attending despite you offering to pay for her ticket and allowing your step-father, Terry, to come.
'If it was in Chester I would come, Ste. You know I don't care that you have shacked up with a man.'
Which means that she does care.
'The thing is Terry doesn't like flying and you know he can't be by himself for too long.'
Sure. She can't leave her dead beat abusive alcoholic husband for two minutes but she is happy to miss her only son's important day.
'It's fine, mum. I'll send you pictures.'
'If you want.'
Martin puts a hand on Lucas's shoulder and says, "We should get going. The boarding gate is open."
The excitement is overwhelming and you can't help but get swept along in it.
"Can you believe it that we are leaving as single men but we are going to return a married couple?" Martin whispers into your ear.
You grin from ear to ear and nod at him. "Can't wait."
He presses his lips to yours and you get cat-calls and wolf-whistles from your friends.
"Uh. Gross." Lucas says and when his mother kisses Pete he repeats himself.
Your whole group begins to walk towards the gate.
"What do you think about your dad getting married, guys?" Doug asks your son and daughter as he falls into step with you.
"Cool. Like finally." Leah says, one hundred percent the princess.
Lucas adds, "Mummy always says it's about time Martin makes dad honest. What does that mean?"
A ripple of embarrassed laughter runs through the group.
"You mean Martin making an honest man of your dad?" Doug giggles.
Lucas nods earnestly.
"Ste, you going to explain that to your son?" Dougie ribs you.
You try to think of a way to worm yourself out of talking about the birds and the bees and traditional versus modern views on premarital sex with your nine year old son. Luckily your phone rings. You grin apologetically, not immediately recognising the ringtone, and then check who is calling you.
Your smile fades in an instant.
You drop the mobile as if it has suddenly turned blazing a hole into your hand and you go stock still prompting everyone to stop too and gather around you curiously.
Martin picks up your mobile and looks at the caller ID.
BRENDAN CALLING...
He looks at you with fearful wide eyes and after a moment he extends it out to you.
"Are you going to answer that?" He asks.
Amy, Pete and Doug's eyes flicker between you and the phone. They can see who is calling. Heck, your whole wedding party is silently staring at you. The only sound that penetrates your brain at that moment is the 'final announcement' that you should be boarding your aircraft and Al Green's Simply Beautiful blaring from your mobile.
You blush because the song is so personal and you wonder whether it is obvious to everyone gathered around you how much it means to you. Brendan played it the night he asked you to move in with him. It was the last ringtone you heard before you got abducted when he called to say bye to you once again because the bye you had at the club wasn't enough. That was a phone call that was supposed to mark the beginning of a joint existence under one roof not the tragedy that actually followed.
You take the phone from Martin's hand and will yours to stop trembling.
BRENDAN CALLING...
ANSWER DECLINE
You smile; a facial expression that is the complete opposite to how you feel inside; like laughing at a funeral.
You press DECLINE and take Martin's hand in yours.
"Let's go." You say to him as you lower your sunglasses over your eyes and lead your group of family and friends to the boarding gate.