Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
A/N: I wanted this chapter to be in third person and well, it's kinda the last one in a way. I might add a prologue if need be, but I don't really think there would be a reason for that. And i'm really sorry for not having updated in a week. I'm having a rough week, and I know I'll be having an even rougher month, but sorry.
A/N2: Sad chapter, and I mentioned Ellen DeGeneres because I love her and she's a good reminder of my friend who loves her much more than me. :)
The flower arrangements weren't needed. Why put something alive, something beautiful in a place with so much death. Those were Kendall's thoughts as he looked around the room, feeling almost like in a dream. It's been a couple of days since Logan died. The doctors kidded themselves and the others, Kendall felt, when they lied and said that Logan could've made it.
Nothing. That was how he felt. The small setting passed with no one talking, only the father. When Logan's parents were called to talk about their son, Mrs. Mitchell could barely utter a word and she cried more than the could bear. Every one watched in silence. Awful silence.
Hate, Kendall could feel it coming from every one around him.
James, standing next to him, and trying his best not to cry, but remembering all the good times, as well as the bad times (and why not, even his ugly words before Logan had killed himself), James found that a harder job than before.
The only one who wasn't even trying to hide his tears was Carlos. That was mostly because he was still in shock. The poor boy cried and whimpered, his lowered lip trembled continuously but not once did he sob or cause a scene. Later, when they were in the graveyard, with the beautiful sun hitting his face, Carlos knew why he wasn't crying. His other friends were broken, so was he, but Carlos knew in his heart that Logan wouldn't want this. He wouldn't want to see his friends crying like this at all.
No one suffered more than Mrs. Knight. To learn the truth from her own son about Logan, knowing she was so close and that she could've helped- it broke her heart.
She could deal with being strong for Katie, but in her heart she knew that she would cry every night wondering, thinking, hoping that she had done something differently.
Those would be the same thoughts the others, mostly Kendall and James, would get later in life.
For now they all wished Logan's parents their condolences, and while they left with Kelly and Gustavo (who had not said anything about the subject so far), Kendall looked one last time at the broken picture of the Mitchell's and hated himself more than ever.
Days, weeks, months passed.
"Kendall, you have to get up!" begged his mom, knocking on the door. Kendall just stared at the ceiling, feeling weak and groggy and just...dead.
Almost a year had passed, almost.
"Kendall, it's enough of this. We have to work." Carlos said, holding the closet door open as he ravaged for Kendall's clothes, which were clean, no thanks to him.
"Why?" Kendall asked, tears in his eyes.
"He wouldn't want us like this.." Carlos whispered, feeling broken in the inside, but knowing he had to move on. "Get up." He sighed and left for his room, to finish getting ready himself.
Kendall looked at the pile of clothes Carlos had picked out, his heart heavy before he headed to the bathroom to change.
Katie watched in silence as all of this happened. It was enough that her mom was so hurt but trying to be strong that it made Katie hurt all the more. She tried to help ease her pain and lapsed in bursts of being alone and doing every thing her mom wanted. The secret smiles Katie caught almost every week told her that she appreciated her attempts.
James and Carlos were a different story. James, like Kendall, could not runaway or try to be happy again. Not when the heaviness of guilt and displeasure got him in every corner. Many times, he had cried in Carlos' shoulder, letting himself be weak and admit to how guilty he felt.
Carlos would cry with him, and though knew that he didn't want to, worked on helping himself forget about James. It was for the best, he reasoned. But funny thing was, the more Carlos was there for James, the more James began to appreciate how beautiful the boy was. He never wanted to ever acknowledge feelings that he was sure were non-existing this way. Not when one of his friends was dead. The friend that had made them get together- the friend he had blamed for the only good thing he had going for him. How could he have been so cruel?
Many times James asked this to Carlos, who listened with tears, before kissing him lightly and whispering soothing words in his ear.
Months later, things did not get better for Kendall, and sadly did the only thing that he thought would make him feel better. He killed himself by taking a bunch of pills.
It was the hardest blow on everyone around him. They had already lost one of their good friends, now to lose another. To lose a son and an older brother, it was horrible.
The small base of fans Big Time Rush made in their beginning suffered just as much. Not one television station or radio could get enough of this big news. It was even more remarkable that instead of staying a group, James and Carlos decided to follow separate careers, even though they stayed good friends. Gustavo had the same pleasure to be their agent and Kelly tried to help them ease into their solo career: easy for them since they were both naturals.
Mrs. Knight and Katie left back to Minnesota, after both boys turned 18 and could live by themselves. They began to date in secrecy and for a good while no one knew, not even Jo and Camille, who were always with them. But news went out and instead of reacting negatively like James and Carlos thought they would, they all didn't say anything. It was still close to Kendall's death and, supposing the paparazzi had a conscious, they left James and Carlos alone, except for every once in a while a picture of them, hugging or kissing, were in the magazines.
By their second year as solo artists, Carlos and James were both asked to appear in Ellen, a reunion of sorts.
James didn't want to go at first, but after being convinced by Carlos, accepted.
Ellen was kind and joked around, which they both welcomed and accepted, for it eased them in into the situation.
"Guys, one question that's been bugging me for almost a year and a half, why did you both separate and go into a solo career? if you don't mind me asking." Ellen asked gently.
James breathed in and sat back in his seat, having expected this question, said clearly and loudly,
"Big Time Rush was Carlos, Logan, Kendall, and me. Without them we weren't Big Time Rush, and so we both decided that it would be better to still be singers, but not as a band. We weren't a band anymore."
"We thought it be best." Carlos said, taking over when he saw James get tears in his eyes, and had to try hard not to start crying himself.
Ellen wished them luck in their future, in their career, in their relationship and asked for the next guest to come in after the break. When she was sure that they were on break, she hugged each one tightly. Wished them the best and hoped that they would visit again.
James promised that they would and walked away. Carlos hugged her once again, thanked her, and left after James. When he found him in the bathroom, crying, Carlos rushed over, hugged him tightly and closed his eyes. Almost three years did nothing to make them forget their tragedy.
"I love you." whispered Carlos as he rubbed circles into his boyfriend's back.
James smiled through his tears. "I love you, too." Carlos would always be his sun. He would always make him feel better and it broke his heart when he remembered Logan. It felt awful that the person that caused both Carlos and he to get together was dead. It was worse when he had been the one at fault for making his die.
"Don't blame yourself." Carlos whispered, knowing that James still blamed himself after all this time.
"I loved them both and they- and they..."
"Shh." Carlos said, crying too, but he closed his eyes so the tears would not fall out.
James and Carlos visited their friends graves whenever they could, they chose rainy days, because the paparazzi never followed in the rain. Well, they did, but James and Carlos were extra sneaky and so they were able to visit them.
"Logan, James always feels guilty for what happened. I know you don't blame him, but he doesn't believe that. Kendall thought that it was his fault too when you died. I wish you were here now. To make it all better. I wished you both were back, so it could be like before. I don't want you guys dead. Why won't you both come back and make everything better? I dream of you guys alive, of everything being back to normal, but then I wake up and it's harder to get up every day.
James knows that you guys are in a better place, but he wishes you were back all them time. We don't know what to do. We try to live and we will for you guys, but I just don't know how to help James."
Carlos left their bouquet of flowers and spread half the roses for both of them, a faint smile of his face, before he led James home.
That night, James had a strange dream. Kendall and Logan were in it.
"Don't mope around." Logan told him, smiling that same dimpled smile he was regularly jealous of.
"I can't. I've been angry with myself. Half the time I wish I could kill myself too. I deserve it. The only person who stops me is Carlos. He's never lost faith in me. He deserves better than me. It was my fault that you died Logan and I'm so sorry." cried James.
"Stop it." ordered Kendall, sadly smiling at him. "You're alive James, and you finally have Carlos with you. The one person that deserves to have you around. Don't mess it up by making the same mistake that i did."
"But-"
"No buts, what's done is done, James. You have to remember that. Life is still going, you're stuck with us in the past, why don't you let all your guilt go and live. If I was alive, and in your place, even though I've be going through all your feelings, I sure wouldn't waste it. You know why? Because I'd know that you wouldn't want me to waste my life by not letting myself grieve and then move on. Be sad, James. Cry, scream, do everything in your power to be sad, but as soon as it's over, as soon as you're finished wishing for us to be back, trying to compromise everything you have, be free and live life." Logan said, voice sharp, his beautiful brown eyes deep with sadness. "Live your life, James."
"We love you guys and we want you guys to be happy. Stop making it so hard for yourself and do it." Kendall advised and James hugged them both, sighing when he felt them soft and solid. Real.
"Don't miss us too much, James, or you'll get sad again." Logan whispered into his ear.
"Be happy." Kendall told him softly.
They both disappeared and James hugged himself them, crying even in his dream. When he woke up he had tears running down his eyes and Carlos was staring at him, worried and concerned
"James?"
James hugged his close, feeling the tears stream down as he realized that he had at least one person alive and was scared to death to lose him too.
"I love you, Carlitos." James whispered in his ear.
Carlos hugged him back tightly. "I love you, too."
Five years later, Carlos ran after the small girl that he loved so much. James and he had adopted, a baby girl and a baby boy. They loved them more than anything in the world.
"James, you ready?" Carlos asked up the stairs.
"Always." James said, carrying the smaller boy in his arms. "You ready too handsome?"
Carlos rolled his eyes. "You'll turn him into a heart breaker with that sort of pep talk." He chided, getting the baby's bag in his arms.
"What? Can you blame us for having such good looks?" smirked James.
"How about little Lizzy? She'll be beautiful when she grows up. How come you never turn her into a little heart breaker in the making?" Carlos asked, a smile on his face.
"You know that Ethan is the charmer of this family. He'll take after me, and Lizzy. She'll never date until she's 40."
"James!" Carlos laughed as he buckled Lizzy into her carrier.
"Fine." He sighed. "50." Then quickly ran to the front of the car so as to avoid Carlos' glare.
"Why don't you just say that you're my heart breaker." Carlos said, teasingly."I mean, you do say that you're a heart breaker right?"
"Between us, babe," James leaned in to Carlos, looked at the babies in the carriers watching them curiously and smiled before turning his attention back to Carlos. "You're the heart breaker."
Carlos blushed. "Not true!" He playfully hit James.
James pulled him close, and was about to kiss him when he stopped because of the babies. "You're the one who stole my heart, Carlitos. That to me is what makes a person a heart breaker."
Carlos blushed, but still kissed him.
"I love you." Carlos told him for the millionth time.
"I love you too." James said, leaning in, letting his feelings guide him. "My heart breaker."
Carlos pushed him away, laughing. "Come on, we're going to be late."
Together they got on the van and continued on living their life. Never forgetting their future, but loving how they had each other for support.
The End.
I think it was a crappy ending, but I didn't find any other ending. I hated myself for days when I knew that it was going to end like this, but James and Carlos made it up for me. :) Hope you guys weren't so sad to not like this story. And I'm sorry about Logan and Kendall. :(