Chapter 5

My conscience prepares to scream
All reality turns into a dream
Hope is lost, help me find it again
Now is the time I really need a friend

An outcast lost in society
Is anyone here to help me
Watch me as I fall down
Struggling to get off the ground

My life isn't going as planned
messed up start all over again
Clock's ticking, I'm running out of time
Loosing balance and I'm falling out of line

It's been years since I've smiled
Woken up with tears as a child
Wishing for a life of someone else
Anyone other than myself

*Catatroficpout

They say that everything happened for a reason. They tell me that for every terrible happening, excellence sprout out of negativity.

I never took that type of cliché's seriously.

But maybe I should've…Maybe.

My life was a mess right now…so confusing. It's like Nikita said, "As soon as I get a hold of one part in my life, another slips away.". Maybe…just maybe…dying is the key to safety…calmness. It was called taking one for the team, right? Or in my case, for the family? If I was dead, there was no left-over money, no reason for conflict. Everyone will live in peace…the world would be perfect with Alexandra Udinov in it.

"Alex? You in there?" Sean asked, waving a hand in front of my eyes. I shook my head, tuning back into reality. Clearly, I missed an entire conversation on the road back to Nikita.

"Yeah, I'm here. Not sure that I heard everything you said, though." I said, looking out the passenger's seat window. We were on the highway, which seemed to be deserted.

"It's fine. I was just babbling as usual." He laughed. I frowned. "You never babble, though." I said, eying him strangely.

"Whoa, where did that attitude come from? You were in a great mood when we departed from the safe house. What's on your mind?" He asked, giving me a concerned look.

I sighed. "You ever wondered what's your purpose in life, Sean?" I asked him. He only pasted a confused or taken-aback expression on his face. He was silent for a moment. I started regretting asking him.

"I guess everyone does once in a while, don't you think?" He said and kept his chocolate eyes on the road.

"Yeah, sure, but usually individuals can't answer that question, correct?" I asked and he nodded. "Correct."

"Well, I think I found mine…" I said, frowning.

"Which is?" He asked.

"I think I was meant to… Never mind." I shook my head, cutting of all sounds around me.

I was utterly confused. I was the one to usually say that I was going to fight in this fight and I was planning on winning. Now it seemed that I was meant to die. It's the only way to stop this.

"…It isn't." He suddenly said unexpected.

"What?" I asked.

"You wanted to say that you think you were meant to die in this fight, right? You're not." He said, fully assured of himself.

"Sean, I know you're protecting me and that you 'keep your word; scout's honor' thing, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices. And if this means that I have to-" I started.

"To let them kill you, and with you dead, that everyone will be happy and friendly. Percy and Michael go out to play golf?" He asked, sarcastic.

I kept quiet, not knowing what to say.

"Trust me Alex, your death isn't going to solve anything, except destroy Nikita and…and me." He said, hesitating at the last part.

"But it's the only other way!" I said.

"NO, it isn't! You are not going to die, nor are you going to let yourself be killed." He said, his voice unsteady. I felt a small smile creep up my mouth corner.

"You sound like you're still back at Division, shouting at Amanda." I said and I saw his face soften.

"I'm not going to let you do that. End of discussion. Now, where did you say you were meeting Michael?" He asked, changing his subject.

"The corner between second and third. He'll take us to the beach house, taking another road, avoiding chances of being spotted." I said, nodding, inhaling deeply.

"So, what's the plan? We have a stranger out there, looking for you. Birkhoff is shot, Nikita catatonic and were?" He asked, looking for guidance.

"We're standing together and not letting this son of a bitch get near my family." I said, simply.

"What about me?" He asked. "Where do I fit in?"

'You're part of my family now." I said, looking up at him. He looked down at me. He seemed to be looking for something in my eyes, and I wanted to look away. Honesty, I did.

"Um we should…" I said. "Get going, if we want to be in time to … meet Michael." I said, not looking away once.

"Yes, we should." He said, not making any attempt to look away.

I could see his hand coming up to meet my face, slowly. I could feel my heart beating faster. I gasped when I saw him bending down. I quickly turned away.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, clamping my eyes shut as I jerked my face away from his.

"Doing what?" He asked and I turned my face back to his, which, at this point, was literally 2 and a half inches away from mine.

"This." I said, feeling his breath against my skin.

"Why are clouds white? Both of those questions are unanswerable, right?" He chuckled, not yet moving away.

I felt tears burning my eyes, not knowing why I was about to cry.

"There they are." He said, his voice filled with the sound of success.

"Wh-what?" I asked, feeling my lip trembling.

"I've been waiting for you to crack. You've been on the top of your game since the beginning of all this, not showing any weakness." He said, smiling. "I knew better, though."

I laughed, wiping my eyes. "You usually do." I said.

"That's true." He said, seriousness taking over him again.

I dropped my hand from my eyes and looked back into his deep, dark eyes.

He leaned in. I tried to move away, I really did.

I froze.

I closed my eyes, feeling that he was taking a tad too long. I leaned forward, closing the distance between us. As his lips connected with mine, I sighed. I leaned in further, smiling against his lips.

Sean sighed as well, bringing his hand up to cup my face, pulling me closer, deepening the kiss. I felt the butterflies going crazy in my stomach.

I suddenly realized what was going on. Birkhoff was shot, Nikita going crazy, Michael being…well, Michael and Sean was kissing me.

I quickly ended the kiss and leaned far back, far away from him. As far as I could.

That was the first time I've been kissed since Nathan.

"I'm sorry." He quickly said.

I shook my head. "No, don't apologize. I don't regret you doing it, it's just… I need some time. I need to make sure Birkhoff is okay. I'm sorry." I said, smiling shyly at him. He nodded, showing that he understood. He started the car, which he seemed to have shut off earlier.

He drove off, never speaking a word again. He wasn't looking upset, just deep in thought.

With a smile of happiness written over his mouth.