The Devil is a Healer With a Smile

"Ikkaku, have you noticed that everyone in our squad has taken to saluting us as well as bowing when we pass?" asked Fifth Seat Ayasegawa.

His companion thought, hard. "Nope. But oh, now you come to mention it, at lunch I had about three people come up to shake my hand and one said I was a god amongst men, whatever that means."

"Oh, well I wonder what that's all about."

"I dunno, anyways, are we doing this investigation thingy? Only I have important stuff to do."

"By important stuff, do you mean getting drunk? Because you can do that anytime, this is important."

"Sure, fine, whatever."

The two friends were walking through Seretai after lunch trying to decide how to start their self-imposed mission. It was a fine, sunny day with a slight breeze to take the edge off the heat, it was the kind of day that Yumichika loved and Ikkaku hated. Yumichika loved weather like that because it meant that his hair was not ruined by either rain or blustery wind and the sun meant that everyone could see him more clearly. Ikkaku hated it because it meant that the sun shined off his head making everyone notice how devoid of covering it was, which usually lead to stares and whispers, which usually let to hospitalization for those unfortunate people.

An hour later the two friends were still walking around the streets.

"This is pointless," groaned Ikkaku. "Let's go home."

"No, we were just unlucky that Squad Two were training at an unknown location and that Captain Unohana is out administering emergency aid, but we will find th…" Ikkaku was stopped rather abruptly as his friend threw out his arm, hitting Ikkaku in his chest. "Look, it's Captain Unohana!" sure enough when the bald man followed Yumichika's line of sight he saw Squad Four's Captain crossing the intersection between two roads. The effeminate soul reaper turned to his friend, "Ikkaku, catch me," then promptly swooned into his confused companions' arms.

"Errrr."

"Get Unohana!" Yumichika muttered trying not to move his lips.

"OK then. CAPTAIN UNOHANA, PLEASE HELP!"

Instantly Retseu Unohana was at his side.

"Is there a problem Third seat Madarame?"

"Oh, well, er… you see Captain, we were just walking down the street; Yumichika and I, when he suddenly fainted."

"Oh dear," exclaimed Unohana. "Well he'll have to come to Squad four immediately to get looked at!"

Suddenly the captain brightened, "You're looking very handsome today Third seat Madarame."

Ikkaku swallowed; she was smiling; it was dangerous when Captain Unohana smiled.

"Oh, errr…" was the best he could manage.

"Yes, you've really smartened up in the last few days, unlike poor fifth seat Ayasegawa," she continued sadly. "He's looking very shabby these days."

Yumichika was up in an instant "Shabby, what do you mean? Is it my hair? It's my hair isn't it? Oh, I knew that man in the barbers didn't know what I meant by an elegant trim, I sho…" He blinked and looked around, Ikkaku slapped his head. "Ohhh, what a surprise, I'm all better. Oh Captain Unohana!" he exclaimed trying to feign shock. "What are you doing here?"

"You collapsed and gave us all quite a scare." She told him sweetly.

"Collapsed," gasped Yumichika overdramatically. "How awful, it's an affliction I have you see, happens all the time doesn't it Ikkaku. One minute I'm walking along as right as rain and the next I'm on the ground, unconscious … right Ikkaku?"

"Wha… oh… yeah, unconscious, on his back, like a dead beetle!"

'Elegant Ikkaku, very elegant.' Yumichika thought sarcastically.

"Oh my," said a concerned Unohana. "Well if it ever happens again I will have to perform surgery on you!"

He gulped, "Surgery?"

"Yes, this is a serious issue which can only be cured by brain surgery, which means we'd have to shave off all your hair and of course you would end up with a huge permanent scar on your head."

"Hu, huge s-s-scar, n-n-no hair? Ohhhh…" The narcissist fainted on the spot.

"Well it happened again," said Ikkaku who was feeling rather vengeful today (he could have been drunk by now if it wasn't for his so-called-friend). "Do you want me to help you carry him to squad four barracks?"

"That won't be nessasery," smiled Unohana. "I think he's learnt his lesson."

"Yeah, I think he has… Oh, you knew about it being fake?"

"I had my suspicions and tested them, but I must warn you Third Seat Madarame; I now know that you two are up to something and if you ever pretend to be ill again…Well," She smiled disturbingly once more, "Let's just say that I will assume that you are always faking injury and shall never treat you again, is that understood?"

Ikkaku sighed, "Yes ma'am."

Unohana walked off leaving Ikkaku with an unconscious Yumichika.

11.11.11

Ten minutes later the Fifth Seat awoke, blinking he sat up. His friend was leaning against a wall next to him.

"About time." The bald man muttered. "I was beginning to think you were dead."

"Well I'm not!" giggled the narcissist practically jumping up.

"What's the matter with you?" Ikkaku asked confused.

"The matter with me? Nothings the matter with me, what's the matter with you? Your face, that's what! Hahahahaha!"

Rubbing his head, a weary Ikkaku stood up. "Have you got concussion or something?"

"Cushion? No I don't want a cushion; I've got a plane…a plan, I've got a plan!"

"Right."

"Yes well, we want to know if the bearded lady is sleeping with the captain, right?"

"Yes."

"Well the solution is simple…we ask her."

"Suuuuure," replied the Third Seat, "and then we can be the first two non traitorous officers to be killed by a captain, what fun!"

"Oh, that wouldn't happen!" laughed Yumichika, "Momo and Hitsugaya were the first two!"

"They're not dead."

"Oh really, I thought they were, what a shame."

"Look…why don't we go and have a nice long lie down Yumichika." Suggested Ikkaku who was trying not to be hit by his friend's arms as he ballet danced around the street.

Said friend giggled like a mischievous school girl, "Ohhhhh, Ikkaku I didn't know you were that way inclined."

"What?"

"Why don't we have a nice looooooong lie down Yumichika? You're more hot for me than Soi-Fon is for Lady Yoruichi!"

Ikkaku started to twitch with anger. "Oh yeah?"

"Yes, yes, oh yes! But I'm afraid you're not my type Ikkaku; you're not beautiful enough, why don't you try Kira or Captain Kurotsuchi? Just be carful; I hear they both have a thing for bond…"

"Well that shut him up." Muttered Ikkaku as he retracted his fist from his so-called-friends face.

11.11.11

"…so much trouble for you in one day"

'Ikkaku, is that you?'

"No, don't worry about it; at least he's not faking this time."

'Lady Unohana?'

"How do you know?"

"Well, he would do a lot to find something out but he wouldn't go this far."

'What are you guys talking about and why can't I see anything?'

"Yeah, I don't think he'll ever forgive me for this. Do you think you can do anything?"

"Oh no, he'll heal on his own…"

'Heal?'

"…It will take a while…"

'What will?'

"…but there should be no permanent scarring."

'Scarring? Scarring? SCARRING!'

Third Seat Madarame and Captain Unohana jumped when the man in the bed started flailing around and uttering muffled yells and curses.

"Well I guess he's awake." Said Ikkaku.

"Indeed…now, Calm Down Mr Ayasegawa" Captain Unohana told the injured man loudly, as if speaking to a three year old. "I'm about to take the bandages off your face, please do not struggle."

Yumichika lay still as the healer removed the bandages that were preventing him from seeing. As soon as she was done the man demanded a mirror.

"I wouldn't if I were you." advised his friend.

"I don't care what you would do, now give me a mirror!"

Ikkaku glanced at Unohana who nodded and handed the narcissist a mirror.

Scilence.

A clock was ticking somewhere in the room.

Scilence.

Somewhere in the building a man was shouting.

Scilence.

Then…

"Ikkaku…"

"Yes Yumichika?"

"I'd just like to know…WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO ME? MY FACE, LOOK AT MY FACE! I USED TO BE BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT! HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Suddenly Ikkaku was running for his life around the squad four barracks being chased by a deranged man in a hospital gown. In the end it took seven healers, including a lieutenant, to drag Yumichika off a terrified Ikkaku.

"That's it Fifth Seat Ayasegawa," Hanataro Yamada said kindly, "Let Third Seat Madarame go, you don't even look that bad, in fact," he continued wishing to cheer the man up, "I think you look better than you ever did!"

"WHAT!"

11.11.11

"Baldy!"

Ikkaku twitched, "Yes lieutenant?"

"Who's that?" she asked pointing at his companion.

"It's Fifth Seat Ayasegawa."

Yachiru blinked, "That's feather face?"

"Yup."

"HAHAHAHA, he look weird, I'm gonna tell everyone!"

She shunpoed off, Yumichika groaned.

"Well, I warned you not to come back with that stupid bag on your head; it just makes people notice you more."

"Shut up." Came the muffled reply from under the brown paper bag.

"Anyway I'm glad we ruled out Unohana; now the only person left is Captain Soi-Fon meaning I was right!"

The reason that the two had decided that the Captains secret lover could in no way be Unohana was that as Yumichika was attacking Hanataro, Captain Ukitake had come to the rescue and praised the Fifth Seat away from the unfortunate Seventh and Unohana had shown her gratitude by giving him a not-very-discrete kiss, not on the cheek, oh no, a full on kiss. Completely blowing Yumichika's suspicions out of the water.

"Well I still want to check and make sure."

"Fine, we can do that tomorrow or next week or something, I just want to rest now." Grumbled Ikkaku.

"Oh no, I'm not doing anything until I'm back to my beautiful self once again."

"Fine, good, that means more relaxation time."

"Of course, me being bedridden will mean that you will have to do all my paper work and with me being unable to work for at least a week, you'll have hardly any free time."

"What the…why do I have to do your paperwork?"

"Because it's you're fault I'm in this mess in the first place, honestly!"

"It's not my fault!"

"You blew up walls and dragged my unconscious body through the rubble,"

"I was in a hurry to get you healed up!"

"You shoved me into bushes and hedges."

"There were people around and I thought you wouldn't want anyone seeing you looking like you did."

"You threw me into a tree!"

"Yeah, well, I had to shut those birds up somehow."

"And let's not forget that you dragged me the entire way, face first, only holding my Uniform!"

"You were heavy!"

"Then there's the fact that…"

And so the two friends argued their way back to the barracks, to a few weeks of paperwork for Ikkaku and nervously applying copious amounts of concealment for Yumichika.

11.11.11

Righty ho, that's the second chapter done, I'm sorry, it feels like that chapter dragged on forever but I've been having serious writers block.

Next chapter they'll be investigating Captain Soi-Fon, I'm fresh out of ideas, well I have one or two but suggestions would be really useful! I mean really usefull!

Thanks!