More of a Hindrance Than A Help

Warning, I myself have no idea why or how I came up with the last half of this chapter, I read it back and I scared myself with its' randomness. I try to keep with believable plots and I strive to make the characters act remotely like themselves but in all my fanfics I have one chapter which is complete crack and this chapter is the one for this fanfic. I have no excuses for what I wrote and I believe I was possessed, all I can do is apologies and hope you enjoy complete and utter nonsense.

By the way if you get any of the references you are awesome!

Incase it's not obvious to you, I am not the creator of Bleach nor do I have any say in what happens in the plot, otherwise there would be a lot more of Squad 11, in fact, screw Ichigo and Aizen and whatever else they're planning; they should just make a series about the best squad in the world…and Ulquiorra should be in it! OK, enough rambling, I will probably forget to do more disclaimers but there you go.

"You're too slow; again!"

"So, back to our ridiculous mission?" muttered Ikkaku trying not to make too much noise.

"What are you elephants; I can hear you coming a mile off, again!"

"Exactly, remember just because it isn't Unohana doesn't automatically mean it's Soi-Fon." His companion Yumichika answered, also trying to make as little noise as possible.

"Yeah, well, who else would it be? It's not everyday you meet a woman who could take on our Captain and most of the women in the Seratai are soft."

"That's worst than the first time; again!"

"She might not be a Soul Reaper; she might just be an ordinary person in one of the districts or something."

"Yeah right; our Captain's a warrior he'd want nothing less from the woman he's sleeping with."

"I suppose you're right but seriously: Soi-Fon?"

"Why not, I mean look at her;' she is one tough lady!"

The two friends peered through the branches of the tree they were hiding in to watch the Squad Two training session below. Captain Soi-Fon was standing in the middle of a clearing with two bells in her hand, the objective was that, out of the twenty men, two of them could steel a bell and they would be the only two to eat that day. So clearly competitiveness was high.

"Seriously," whispered Yumichika. "Who came up with this exercise; it's totally barbaric; making them work against each other like that, I mean aren't Squad Two all about teamwork? What's teamwork-y about this?"

"I dunno but these are newbees; we do much worse to newbees!"

"Yeah, but that's because it's us; people expect that from our squad, but not them! They're supposed to be…civilized!"

"I saw that attack coming from a mile away; you people are pathetic, you call yourselves ninja?"

"Well I haven't got all day Yumichika. Is it her or not?"

"Is what her or not?"

Instantly the two men groaned as they felt the ever bubbly, ever nosey presence of Rangiku Matsumoto.

"Oh great," sighed Yumichika sarcastically. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here on official business actually." She replied haughtily. "Here."

"What's this?" asked Ikkaku as she passed them both a slip of card.

"They're invitations to my Captain's secret Birthday Party! It's going to be great; there's going to be music and dancing and food, not to mention drink. Oh and the Shiba Clan are putting on a fireworks display!"

"Fireworks…" The narcissist grimaced; he had fireworks-phobia.

"Don't worry," Rangiku assured. "None of them will end up on your head like last time, and besides, it's Kukaku Shiba who does the displays, not her little brother."

"Oh yeah, Kukaku Shiba." said Ikkaku thinking hard. "Isn't she the one who has bigger-"

"They're not bigger than mine." growled Rangiku.

"OK, OK, fine…how did you find us up here anyway?" asked the bald man.

"Oh, that was easy," the woman giggled. "I just followed the shiny light that's reflecting from your head; it's like a beacon in the darkness!"

Yumichika started to giggle as well as his friend started grumbling.

"Oh," squeaked Rangiku suddenly. "You never answered my question before; why are you two in a tree, are you trying to hide the fact from your Captain?"

"Fact, what fact?"

"Oh you know, did you two come here to make out?"

"What!" yelped Ikkaku.

"No!" spluttered Yumichika.

"Not a chance in hell!"

"Like I would ever…"

"OK, Ok," laughed the Squad ten lieutenant. "No need to get so defensive about it jeeze. It's just that you're both here…together…up a tree, it's a bit suspicious is all."

"Well for your information," spat Ikkaku. "We're here to spy on Captain Soi-Fon."

"Ewwww; pervs!"

"We are not perverts," said Yumichika shrilly. "We are doing a private investigation."

"Why?"

"Yumichika found a hair in our Captains bed and now we're trying to find out who it belongs to."

"Ohhhhh, can I help?"

"NO!" snapped Yumichika.

"Fine then," sighed the woman. "I suppose I'll just go and tell Soi-Fon that she has a couple of stalkers."

"Alright." Sighed an exasperated Ikkaku. "You can help; the hair was long and dark."

"Yay," the bubbly woman clapped her hands. "So who is on your list of suspects?"

"Err…Soi-Fon and Captain Unohana." Ikkaku listed.

"Who we've ruled out on account of her being with Captain Ukitake." Concluded Yumichika.

"That's it? That's your list? Two people?"

The men nodded making the woman sigh.

"Well I can name about five people at least who have long dark hair."

"Yeah, well so could we," defended the Fifth seat. "But we narrowed it down to the only people our Captain would consider."

Ikkaku frowned. "We did? 'Cause I don't remember doi…"

"Shut up Ikkaku, I did even if you didn't."

"Well," smirked the lieutenant before proceeding to list the people she thought fit the profile while the narcissist spluttered objections. "Obviously you didn't consider Nanao or Nemu…"

"Yes well…"

"Or Yoruichi or Momo…"

"I hardly think Momo would…"

"Or Captain Kuchiki or Ca…"

"Wait, wait, wait," laughed Ikkaku. "You think our Captain, the most blood-thirsty, ruthless man in Seireitei…is GAY?"

"What's wrong with that, you homophobic?"

"No, of course not, it's just, our Captain, seriously, and with Captain Kuchiki no less."

"Why not? I think it would be romantic: the heartless, ruthless man from the poorest place in Soul society and the rich nobleman who is still morning for his wife. Together they change their thoughts, beliefs and even their sexuality and fall for each other. Even though they always have to hide their forbidden love in fear of what others would think if they found out."

"Screw that!" scoffed the Third Seat. "You sound like of those film adverts they have in the world of the living. It's bull crap! They are the two people least likely to fall in love in the world! And stop crying Yumichika!"

"I'm sorry," the afore mentioned man sniffed. "I thought it was just so beautiful. Yes, Captain Kuchiki should be on the list, any other men you think our Captain would fall for?"

"Well…how about Shuhei? He has dark hair and he's a good cook and we all know how much your Captain likes his food."

"Not possible," grunted Ikkaku. "Shuhei has short hair."

"Kira?"

"He's blond."

"Hmmmm, Kaname Tosen?"

The two men looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Ok fine, no need to laugh that much, oh, how about Captain Kyoraku?"

"If we must," said the bald man. "Anyone else?"

"No, that's it."

"Right," smiled the effeminate man. "I think after Soi-Fon we should all split up and investigate one person each, alright?"

The other two agreed.

There was a creek and they suddenly remembered that they were up a tree.

"Nobody." Ikkaku muttered through his teeth. "Move. A. Muscle."

This however did nothing to help as with a final groan the branch that the three were on broke away from the tree trunk and the soul reapers hit branch after branch before finally smacking into the ground.

11.11.11

When Ikkaku Madarame came too he had a very sore head. "Owwwwww." He groaned as he went to rub the spot causing the throbbing sensation. However he found that he could not move his arm, as his senses came back to him he realized that he could not move his feet either and he was sitting on a very hard and uncomfortable chair. Panicking now, Ikkaku realized that his eyes were open despite him not being able to see anything. "Hey, someone turn on the lights!"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth he was blinded by sudden white light. Blinking the bound soul reaper looked around him, on his left he saw an unconscious Yumichika and on his right an equally immobile Rangiku.

"OK who's doing this? Do you have any idea who we are?" he yelled in front of him.

"You are trespassers who were trying to break into Squad Two and have been arrested under suspicion of attempting to steal vital security intelligence." A young male voice called out.

"What, who is this?"

"I-I'm the one answering questions here not you. Asking! I'm asking questions and you're answering them." His voice trailed off.

"Huh? Listen kid I'm too busy to play this game of hostage with you, so why don't you just untie my fiends and me? Let us go and nobody will have to get hurt."

"Errrrm…"

"What? You don't hesitate," a female voice barked. "They can sense fear, if you show any signs of weakness they'll swallow you whole!" there was a shriek of fear from the boy.

The bald man frowned. "Captain Soi-Fon is that you?"

"No it's not Madarame, I mean stranger I have never met, seen or heard of before. I am… Mr X!"

"But Captain," squeaked the voice from before. "Your voice is definitely that of a woman."

"He's right you know; you definitely have a female voice Captain."

Ikkaku looked to his right in surprise. "When did you wake up Rangiku?"

"Huh? Oh I was awake, I was just listening. You find out more is you have your eyes closed, at least that's what Gin said."

"Ah ha!" Laughed Captain Soi-Fon triumphantly. "So you admit it, you were here gathering information on Seretai security for the traitor Gin Ichimaru!"

"No!"

"Look," said the small voice again. "We just want to know about the hidden treasure."

"Hidden treasure?" asked Yumichika coming out of his fake stupor. Ikkaku mentally rolled his eyes; why did they pretend to be unconscious and leave him to do all the hard work. They probably would have carried on the charade and have him carrying them out of there if they could have.

"Who said anything about hidden treasure?" demanded Soi-Fon.

"He did!" squealed Yumichika nodding in the direction of the first voice.

"I said it only because you said it!" he shouted.

"I said it because you said it first!"

"Look this is getting us nowhere," reasoned Ikkaku. "Let's all just calm down, Captain Soi-Fon do you think you could release us, we're terrible hostages."

"So you have hostages?"

"No, what? I said…"

"So in your merry group of three you have a pirate who hides treasure, a bald man with hostages and a traitors' accomplice!"

"What, no! That's not it at all!" Protested the fifth seat.

"So there's more is there?" shrieked Soi-Fon. "Ani, get the hot wire and the rubber hose!"

"And the flying helmet and the wet celery?" the voice asked hopefully.

"Why not."

"And the egg whisk?"

"No, not the egg whisk, it's too cruel. We'll use it later. If they don't speak, we'll use it on the woman!"

"No, please, have mercy!" begged Yumichika.

"They were talking about Rangiku." Sighed Ikkaku.

"No we weren't."

"…Oh…"

There was an awkward silence.

"Soooooooooo…" said Rangiku. "How's that voodoo doll of Lady Yoruichi coming along Captain?"

"It's not a voodoo doll; it's just a life sized model! And it will soon be finished, all I need is a brain, a lovely brain…third Seat Madarame, you know how to pleasure a woman right?"

"Errrrr…"

"I have found my brain! Fetch me the body!"

Instantly a patchwork body on a table was wheeled into the room. It had long purple hair and dark skin just like Yoruichi.

"Don't worry my love," said Soi-Fon as she stepped out from behind the light and started stroking the body's hair. "Seven years it has taken me, sewing bits from different soul reapers together to make the perfect you."

"Why didn't you just use a gigai and fashion it to look like her?" asked Yumichika.

"…SHUT UP!"

"This can't be happening." Muttered Ikkaku as several men in surgical masks tied him to a table. One of them approached him with a scalpel.

"No!" screamed Yumichika. "He has no hair; he won't be able to cover up the scar!"

"Yumichika you idiot, they're about to take his brain out! He won't care if he has a scar." said Rangiku.

"…Well we'll have to have a closed coffin."

The man with the scalpel was right next to Ikkaku. He lowered the instrument to his forehead. "HELP ME!"

"Ikkaku…"

"Help me."

"Ikkaku…"

"Hel…no, wait, what?" The man opened his eyes; he was lying on the floor below a tree with Rangiku and Yumichika leaning over him.

"Finally you're awake!" sighed the lieutenant. "You were out for ten whole minutes!"

"Out..? You mean I was asleep? Oh, it was a dream, it was all a dream."

"You must have had a terrible nightmare to make you shriek like that, it was hideous!" said the narcissist.

"Oh it was, it was a terrible dream, we were caught by Captain Soi-Fon and she interrogated us, there was wet celery and she wanted to take my brain, I didn't want to give her my brain!"

"Oh that," replied his best friend. "That all happened."

"…Wait, what?"

"Yeah Captain Soi-Fon is dancing with her Yoruichi puppet while Squad Two is burning down around her." said Rangiku matter-of-factley.

Ikkaku raised his head, looked to the left and wondered why he hadn't noticed the screaming people or the burning building or the silhouettes dancing in the flames before.

"Oh…How did we escape?"

"Well," started Rangiku. "It's a brilliant story involving jumping mice, sponge baths and time travelling aliens. You see you were knocked out so the surgery could start when suddenly there was a strange noise and a blue box appeared, a man came out and said he was the Doctor…"

And so the two friends regaled Ikkaku with their adventures in which they met new people, travelled to different places and learnt a little bit about themselves along the way.

All Ikkaku could think was 'I want some of the drugs they've been taking.'

11.11.11

You see; complete and utter crack.

For all those who reviewed thank you. Oh and don't worry I've taken in all your suggestions and will try my best to add them into the fic; Byakuya and peanut butter will follow shortly.