I Ain't as Think as You Drunk I am! – Part 1

For this chapter I was completely fair; I gave everyone a number and rolled a dice to see who would follow who and I must say I am quite pleased with the final product!

"Oh no, no, no…!"

"Hey! 'Sup Yum-i-chi-ka?"

"No, no, no…!"

"Yoo-hoo girlfriend!"

"No, no, no, NO!"

"What's, hic, the matter with, hic, you?"

"The matter, is, Ikkaku, that you are supposed to be investigating two people today, each!" He added glaring at Rangiku who was lying next to his friend with a bottle in her hand.

"So?" the afore mentioned woman slurred. "We can shhh-shtill do that."

"Yeah, you tell 'em Rong."

"No you can't you're drunk."

"So?"

"Listen Yumi," sighed Ikkaku patting his friend on the back reassuringly, or, at least it would have been reassuring had he actually been patting the narcissists' back and not the pillar ten feet away from the man. "I get drunk all the time," he continued proudly. "And I Frum…felsum…I work fine! Trushed me; nofing will go wrong."

The fifth seat had finally had enough of the others behavior. "Fine," he threw his hands into the air as a sign of defeat, "fine, there you go!" He handed them both a piece of paper with names on. "We'll meet at the end of the day to see what a mess you've made of everything!" With that the effeminate man stalked off in an angry Huff, however the effect was somewhat ruined due to the fact that he overdramatized it and the 'storming out of the room' walk looked more like a 'I'm flouting effeminately out of the room'.

"How did he ever get into our squad?" murmured Ikkaku drunkenly. "Righty-ho then; let's get going 'Giku"

"K, K, just help me up; I can't feel my legs."

11.11.11

Momo Hinamori was having a great day; she had woken up, remembered Aizen, cried, trained with the troupes, remembered Aizen, cried, completed some paperwork, remembered Aizen, cried, eaten lunch, remembered Aizen and cried some more. All in all she had cried four times that day and it was nearly 2:00am, she had usually dissolved into tears twice as much, it was a new record for her! 'Wait 'till I tell lil' Shiro about this; he'll be so happy!' she thought as walked through the streets of Seratai.

Passing the hundredth identical high wall Momo's thoughts started wandering 'Seriously,' she thought. 'Whoever planned the street layout of Seratai probably really hated Soul Reapers and wanted us confused.'

As she turned around what felt like the millionth corner she saw something out of the corner of her eye: a shadowy figure darting back out of sight behind another corner. She was being followed!

'Oh no, oh no, oh no!' she thought, panicking, she didn't stop in her pace for a moment though; she wasn't a Lieutenant for nothing, she was used to danger and knew exactly what to do. She could sense his spiritual pressure behind her, he was trying to hide it but she was one of the best officers at tracking spirits. 'Alright,' decided Momo, coming to a decision. 'I know what to do!'

'Well,' mussed Yumichika thoughtfully. 'Her hair may not look that long but God only knows what she's hiding under that bun of hers, she could have longer locks that Unohana!' He had been following the small soul reaper for ten minutes now and all she had done in that time was walk though the labyrinth of streets and alleyways. She hadn't even noticed she was being followed yet. 'Honestly,' Yumichika thought while following her round yet another sharp turn in the road. 'How someone as oblivious as that ever became a Lieutenant I'll nev…AHH!"

Momo was ready, at the twist in the road you couldn't see what was around the corner; it was perfect! As soon as she had turned into the next street she stopped and waited for her pursuer, carefully the Squad Five lieutenant drew her sword and positioned herself into a fighting stance. Legs a shoulders width apart, weapon in front of her body held firmly with both hands, muscles relaxed and eyes set firmly on the corner. As soon as she saw a shadow appear on the wall opposite she attacked, screaming at the top of her lungs, she leapt onto the figure's shoulders, wrapping her legs firmly around his neck she proceeded to whack him repeatedly with the hilt of her Tobiume.

They stayed like that for a few seconds; the unfortunate stalker stumbling around, blinded by the body of the midget bashing him with the butt end of her sword. But Yumichika wasn't the Fifth Seat of Squad Eleven, the most infamously bloody-thirsty and brutal squad in the Soul Society, for nothing either. Reaching up he grabbed Momo by the waist, wrenched her off of his head and threw her to the ground where she lay still. The narcissist didn't notice the absence of movement however as he leaned heavily against the wall, trying to regain his breath and his consciousness which was slowly slipping away. "Insane bitch." He spat when he had enough energy.

"Oh I am, am I?" screamed the tiny girl as she launched herself at the poor man yet again, she lunged for his feet this time, sending him flying over her shoulder. Quickly Momo spun around and jumped onto his back, or she would have done if it were not for the fact that Yumichika managed to roll over at the last moment, so instead of sitting on her pursuers back she found herself straddling his hips.

The both of them were oblivious to this however as the Lieutenant recognized her assailant. "Yumichika?"

"Lieutenant Hinamori."

"What are you…I thought…hey, wait a moment; are you stalking me?"

"What, no!"

She gasped, "Oh my God, you are stalking me!"

"Now why would I be stalking you?" Reasoned Yumichika, however his words fell on deaf ears as Momo was beginning to hyperventilate.

"Oh, my God, oh my God, oh my GOD!" she whispered as she started rocking back and fourth. "Oh yes! It all makes sense now, the flowers, the chocolates, the…the black thong, oh, oh, OHHHHHHHHH!"

"The black what?"

Two members of Squad Eleven were doing what members of Squad Eleven did best, apart from fighting; avoiding work. They had done this many times and were used to the route to their secret supply of Sake when they came across a rather unusual sight. Daisuke and Kazuhiro were present when the 'conversations of heroes' (as it was now called) took place, however they were doubtful that either man had managed to persuade Unohana or Soi-Fon to sleep with them. So imagine their surprise when they happened upon their Fifth Seat on the floor with a moaning Lieutenant riding him.

Yumichika didn't quite know what to do; what was this woman babbling about? She was obviously insane and his back was starting to hurt, however, no matter how hard he tried, he could not lift the hysterical woman off of him as every time he moved her legs tightened, reflexively around his waist. In the end he decided that enough was enough, with an almighty heave he sat up, however the momentum carried him sideways so now, instead of Momo straddling him, he was straddling Momo.

'Just great,' he sighed inwardly. 'Just what I needed!' it was then that he noticed two members of his Squad gaping, open mouthed at the scene before them. "What the hell are you two doing here? Go away before I decide to paint the walls a nice new colour I like to call ESSENCE OF IDIOT!"

Squad Eleven might not be able to build a time machine but they weren't complete idiots; when a pissed off Soul Reaper of higher rank than you threatens death, you do what they say!

11.11.11

Rangiku Matsumoto was never the subtle type.

"YOOO-HOOOO KYORAKU, WANT A LIL' DRINK-Y WINK-Y?"

See.

Instantly the Captain of Squad Eight's head poked out of his office window, "Why if it isn't my little friend with the big assets." He called down to her, "Why don't you come on up and we can act on your propo-ow, ow, ow!" A heavy book whacked the man out of the way of the window and the head of the Squad Eight Lieutenant poked out instead.

"Rangiku, what are you doing here and why are you talking to my captain? Go bother your own!"

"Ohhhhh acting a little jealous aren't we Nanao, but don't worry, you can share; there's plenty of me to go around!" came the Captains voice as if he were the most generous man in the afterlife. This remark earned him yet another set of large, book-shaped bruises.

"Matsumoto go away; you getting him into one of his moods!" Nanao yelled down to her fellow Lieutenant. "If this continues the situation will escalate exponentially resulting in yet another sexual harassment complaint and the form is very long and arduous and I don't want to have to fill it out AGAIN!"

"You file complains against your own Captain?"

"YES, a lot! I hope that one of these days one of them will hit him where it hurts and he will finally calm down a bit, honestly he's worse than a dog, at least you can get them neutered!"

"Awwwww, but you wouldn't want me neutered lovely Nanao," came the Captains voice. "I'd be a lot less fun to play with then." He added suggestively.

His poor subordinate sighed and looked down helplessly at her friend. "See what I mean; now he won't calm down for ages."

"Well…" said Rangiku, feigning innocence and good intentions. "If you want I could take over for a while; I've got lots of Sake to knock him out and I'm used to men acting like that around me, in fact I quite enjoy the attention…"

"Why does that not surprise me." muttered Nanao, too quietly for anyone to hear.

"…so I won't be filing any harassment thingys against him. Why don't you take the day off and I'll babysit him for a while?"

"Ohhhhh yes I like the sound of that!" An enthused Captain exclaimed, popping his head over the window sill.

Nanao, uncertainly looked from her drooling captain to her bubble headed comrade, 'Well, it has been a while since I've had a break,'she mussed 'and this will give me a chance to complete my paperwork without being constantly interrupted…hummmm'.

"Alright," she conceded. "On your head be it."

"YAY!" cheered the happy Captain.

"Excellent." smiled Rangiku evilly.

11.11.11

"Renji, did you hear that?"

"Hear what Captain?"

Byakuya Kuchiki paused for a minute under a sakura tree in his garden, apparently observing how the slight breeze was affecting the cherry blossoms.

"I do believe I am being followed."

"What!"

"No Renji do not turn around; that will only draw attention to the fact that we have discovered him."

"Oh, right, OK, what should we do?"

"We do nothing, I find out what he is hoping to achieve by stalking me."

Slightly insulted Renji started sulking, kicking the ground with his feet like a moody child, "How do you know he's after you Captain, he could be stalking me."

"You? What would he gain from stalking you? No Renji, you are of no importance to anybody, it is highly unlikely that somebody would want to discover the secrets of a person of no value, when a personage of extreme importance and influence is standing right beside them. Trust me, I am the intended target and I and I alone will make that man rue the day he heard the name Kuchiki!"

'No importance to anybody, a person of no value am I?' thought Renji angrily. 'Alright Mr Snob, I'll let you handle this on your own and when you find yourself in a situation that you can not handle, don't come running to me!'

"Yes, of course Captain. You will succeed in capturing the assailant where as I would just slow you down and mess things up."

"Finally Renji, you are beginning to learn." replied his Captain, as stoically as ever.

"Please excuse me sir; I might accidentally blow your plan if I stay here too long." With that Renji gave a stiff bow and walked off in what appeared to be a calm manner, however if anyone looked closely they would see that his muscles were too tense and his hands were balled into tight fists.

Hidden out of sight behind the Squad Six barracks, swaying slightly was a giggling Ikkaku Madarame. He had just seen Renji storm off in a huff, 'Probably something that stuck up bastard said,' he thought, 'maybe I'll invite him round for a drink later.' Turning his drunken attention back to Byakuya he jumped as he realized his target was almost out of sight heading through the gate and into the streets of Seratai.

'Let us see how fast my pursuer is.' Byakuya thought and he proceeded to flash-step over the rooftops of various buildings, Ikkaku following him as best he could. 'So, not completely useless,' concluded the Squad Six Captain after ten minutes of high speed pursuit. 'Maybe someone from the stealth squad, but what would Soi-Fon gain from this? No, wait it would not be Soi-Fons' orders; she is in Squad Four with severe burns; she is in no fit state to issue orders. So…is this person working alone or is there someone else behind this? Is it Aizen? I shall have to gather more information.'

With this Captain Kuchiki leapt down onto the streets of Seratai and calmly headed towards the gate leading to North Rukongai, Ikkaku following on top of the buildings still.

"Please refrain from doing such vulgar things in the middle of a public street." Byakuya said unemotionally while walking passed Yumichika who was still trying to untangle himself from a moaning Momo Hinamori.

Up on the top of a nearby roof Ikkaku gave his head a slight shake and then looked at the two again. 'I must be more drunk than I thought.' He mentally concluded, glancing at the scene once more before continuing to tail Kuchiki.

11.11.11

"Now that was embarrassing." groaned Yumichika; he had just been discovered by the Captain of Squad Six and therefore his best friend in, what could be interpreted as, a very intimate moment with the Squad Five Lieutenant, "Could this day get any worse?"

Momo kicked him in the groin. "Of course it could."

As the poor Fifth Seat rolled over on the ground clutching the only manly thing she possessed, Momo stood up.

"RAPE!"

11.11.11

Ok that's all for now, I will try and update as soon as I can, this chapter was a bit slow but that means that all the setting up for the next chapter is out of the way, so the next one should have more comedy in it.

As always suggestions are welcome, and don't worry; I've got the perfect place for the other suggestions I've received!

Kazuhiro = prosperous one

Daisuke = great helper (since both of these OC's were a great help in making awkward situations even more awkward and therefore funnier)