I 'Aint as Think As You Drunk I Am – Part 2
He he he organisation! Now every time you see
11.11.11
It means that a new section of the story is starting, I looked over my work after a couple of comments and saw that the three stars I put in to indicate a change of scene or whatever it was I was changing, wasn't showing up when I uploaded the chapter from word!
So hopefully this will rectify that problem, a big thank you to those that pointed this fault out to me, I found it confusing reading back, and I was the one who wrote it!
And I'm sorry for the big wait, one word EXAMS!
I wrote a big ol' chappie to make up for it though (it's actually more words as the previous chapters put together)!
Anyway onwards and upwards.
Disclaimer: I do not own bleach, but I do own my imagination, you're getting the best of both worlds!
11.11.11
Tuesday 5th October
12:32 pm
I've been thrown in a cell, me!
They just chucked me in here and threw away the key.
Highly unhappy about current situation.
12:45 pm
This is not the most pleasant experience in my life.
But I don't see what's so bad about it, honestly why do people complain so much?
12:50
Oh my god, I've just realised; there's no mirror in here! How can I tell if I look beautiful or not?
I think I may start to have withdrawal symptoms.
12:52
I'm still here. No one's come to visit me, no one, not even Ikkaku.
So alone…so alone!
Wait someone's coming, is it somebody?
Oh crap, no; it's a nobody.
Wait…why's he being put in my cell?
Helllooooo, I'm here you can't just put him with me…wait, I'm talking to you…why are you leaving! COME BACK! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE; I'M VERY ATTRACTIVE, HE MIGHT TRY TO RAPE MEEEEE!
I've lost track of time, I'll just say it's a day later, no a week, no a year, no three, that's it, three years later!
I've never done anything terrible; I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I should be famous, living in a big mansion with a wardrobe the size of Kentucky, but instead I'm here in a cell in Squad Six, writing in my diary, with no mirror and sitting with a man who smells like feet!
Life is so unfair.
11.11.11
"I can't believe it, how did you – actually you know what Ikkaku, after twelve years I've learnt to never be surprised when you're around."
"We've known each other way longer than that Renji."
"Yeah but when we first met I was a naïve idiot who thought you had a brain!"
"Ha ha ha" Ikkaku mocked, fed up.
If anyone else were in his place they would probably be too terrified to even walk let alone talk back to the Lieutenant. However Ikkaku had been in this situation on numerous occasions: there had been the time he had given his own Lieutenant fizzy drinks from the world of the living before her weekly visit to Byakuya's house, there had been the time when he had gotten drunk and tried to go to the toilet in Captain Kuchiki's Koi pond and the time that he and Squad Seven's Lieutenant Iba had been found trying to steel Senbonzakura for a bet to name but a few. In any case it is safe to say that Third seat Madarame had been arrested and placed in a holding cell in Squad Six many times before, and this time, everyone knew as they saw him being led to the cell by Renji, would be no different: he would be there for a day, complaining loudly while ordering everyone around and getting drunk with Renji until his captain burst into the room demanding a fight. All anyone thought as they saw him being locked up was 'Great, now we'll have to rebuild the wall again!'
The bald man turned around as his friend locked the door. "So Renji, when you coming back with the booze?"
"Sorry Ikkaku, can't do that this time; if the Head Captain finds out I'm toast." Shaking his head Renji said "I just can't believe what you did, you do realised that you have just completely destroyed all of my Captain's pride and credibility."
"Pussy."
"What was that?" Renji glared at the man who had just uttered the unforgivable insult.
"You heard," he put on a high pitched, girly voice. "'You just destroyed my Captain's pride…'"
Renji turned as red as his hair, "Hey, it's not funny; you don't know what it's like…"
"Nhe, nhe nhe nhe nhe nhe…" mocked Ikkaku.
"Hey, I'm in enough trouble as it is, if I…"
" 'If I don't do get him sane again I won't get any from him for a week,' " Ikkaku said in an imitation of Renji.
"Hey, don't be disgusting!"
"Ah, c'mon man, how long did it take?"
"How long did what take?"
"How long did it take for Kuchiki to turn you into his little bitch?"
"Wh…I…how." Renji could only stutter in indignation.
"I see what's happening," Ikkaku pressed on, eager to humiliate his friend even more. "That man's got you wrapped around his little finger and you only…"
"So…you finally came." Said a gruff, hoarse voice from behind Ikkaku, instantly the two friends stopped bickering and turned to look in the direction of where the voice came from. "Yes…I'm here, finally come to get me huh?"
Squinting, the two men could just make out a figure in the corner of the cell, hunched up into a ball with hair hanging over his face.
Ikkaku starred, "Yumichika…is…is that you!"
Lurching forwards the figure emerged into the light, making both men scream in fear, Ikkaku clutching the bars of the cell in terror. "What's the matter?" Yumichika Ayasegawa leered. "Aren't you happy to see your friend alive? Oh, no, wait, I forgot; you left me for dead, didn't you…DIDN'T YOU?"
He approached Ikkaku who's mouth was flapping around like a fish out of water; he was trying to speak but no words were coming out and in the end all he could do was slowly sink to the ground as his former friend loomed over him.
Renji was the first one to regain the power of speech; it was probably due to the fact that there were strong bars separating him from the deranged Shinigami. "Yumi man, I didn't know you were here, you look…well."
"Oh I do, do I?" it was obviously the wrong thing to say; the one afternoon without a mirror had obviously done a lot of damage to the narcissists appearance; his hair was mattered and unkempt, his skin saggy with a yellowish tinge and his eyes were empty, but there was a strange unsettling gleam in them. "While you were off playing games and drinking like merry little fairy's, I was stuck in here, deprived of food and water, without any reflective surfaces with a madman intent on making me his whore!" he yelled pointing at the other occupant of the cell.
Said man looked up from where he was sitting, smiled and waved "Disturbed is 'e?" he asked indicating Yumichika. "Mutterin' to 'imself a lot, was wonderin' if he needed some drugs or someit' to calm him down."
"Nah we're good." waved back Renji before turning his attention back to the Fifth Seat, only to hear the last of his sentence.
"…But of course she was jealous of me so she turned into a Daffodil and flew away."
Without thinking Ikkaku said "Daffodils don't fly Yumi."
"I KNOW THAT! Obviously a wizard had cast a spell on it, probably the one from that world of the living book, 'Merlin Potter and the Dark Lord of Twilight'."
"S…so why are you in here in the first place." Ikkaku asked now that he deemed Yumichika to have calmed down a bit, or at least he wasn't likely to attack him for breathing too loudly anymore.
"I'm glad you asked," replied the narcissist. "You see after you left me and Momo in that tricky situation…"
11.11.11
"Now that was embarrassing." groaned Yumichika; he had just been discovered by the Captain of Squad Six and therefore his best friend in, what could be interpreted as, a very intimate moment with the Squad Five Lieutenant, "Could this day get any worse?"
Momo kicked him in the groin. "Of course it could."
As the poor Fifth Seat rolled over on the ground clutching the only manly things he possessed, Momo stood up.
"RAPE!"
The next few minutes were a blur to Yumichika; he remembered a lot of running, many yells and finally the sight of many women attacking him. All he knew for certain was that he was now in a room in the Kuchiki manor at the mercy of the Women's Shinigami Association, or at least most of them as Rangiku, Nanao and his own Lieutenant were conspicuously absent.
"Now, do you want to tell us what happened earlier Momo?"
Yumichika looked round and saw Momo Hinamori sitting with a blanket wrapped around her and a cup of hot tea clutched in her hands, being comforted by Lady Yoruichi, Lieutenant Kotetsu and her sister Third Seat Kiyone Kotetsu, Lieutenant Kurotsuchi and Rukia Kuchiki. From the looks of it, it was Isane who had asked the question.
Hinamori sniffed. "Well, it all started about three weeks ago when I found a letter on my desk…
Momo gulped and recited the letters she had received:
'Blood stains are red,
Gin's eyes are blue,
Soul Society is shit,
And I am watching you'
"Well of course I was terrified so I just tried to ignore it and hoped that it was a one off, but more letters kept on coming:
'Yo Momo,
I was just in the area last nit so I desidod to drope by, but when I got 2 ur rom u were aslep and I couldn't wak u 'Cause u just loked so beutiful. I hop that next time u won't be aslep so we can 'get it on!'
'Hey Hoe,
Damn gurl u lok fine, u had a bathe last nit didn't u? I saw u trogh da windaw (I was just makin sure over peples weren't loking, don't wory I'm not a perv) anyways u got god tits! Can't wait to see mor of u (if u get my droft!)'"
Momo blew her nose loudly on a handkerchief Nemu had given her. "All I could tell was that I had a stalker…and that he was a really bad speller! Anyway, after that last one I hardly left my room, the only time I went out was to get food. But that didn't work; you see one morning I woke up and…and…th-there was a pair of black leather thongs on the pillow right next to me!"
All the women gasped and started muttering words of shock and tried to comfort Momo, then, as if in a horror film, they all turned to glare at Yumichika in unison. He felt certain that he was going to die; he would not leave this room, it would be his tomb. That is if he could not talk himself out.
"Now look, why would I do something like that, I mean seriously, a black leather thong? How unfashionable do you think I am? Also I absolutely detest bad grammar, do you honestly think I'd be able to write so atrociously? Think about this even further ladies, I mean, you know me, have I ever shown sexual interest in women?" Yumichika reasoned.
"Well…he has a point." said Isane.
"No. no, no. Don't let him talk his way out of this!" hisses Yoruichi. "For all we know he became a Soul Reaper with the express intent to stalk Momo, believe me, he could have just been leading us along the whole time, I mean who would suspect an overly Kamp narcissist who hates bad spelling to be a sick minded stalker with a fetish for black leather and bad grammar!"
All the women gasped.
"It's true, it's all true! I mean, he is in Squad Eleven after all!" cried Isane while her sister patted her on the back.
Yumichika thought this was all going a bit too far. "Hey! Let's not start getting Squad-ist around here."
11.11.11
"…and it got worse from there." The narcissist concluded with a sigh.
The other two were staring at him with mixed expressions of horror and admiration on their faces.
"Are you trying to tell me that you now know where the Women's Shinigami Association meet?" asked Renji excitedly.
Yumichika looked at him as if he had gone man, "Renji I have known for ages, after all I helped to design the interior!"
"You mean to say that you've been sitting on this gold mine of information, not telling even me, your best friend? Oh Yumichika…Yumichika." Ikkaku finished shaking his head disappointedly.
Confused as to why his friends were disgusted with him, the narcissist decided to continue with his story.
"Well after I put them straight about the ethics of Squad Eleven…"
"Ethics?" Ikkaku enquired.
His friend glared at him. "Yes Ikkaku, ethics; the fact is that some of us actually have them! Anyway…"
11.11.11
He couldn't believe his luck; somehow the Fifth Seat had managed to talk around the group of psychotic women, he was now not tied to a chair but comfortably sitting on a pouf while discussing Momo's secret stalker with the girls.
"It must be someone really tall." Rukia was saying, "Or they wouldn't be able to see through Squad Five's bathroom window."
"He's got to be really skinny," added Momo. "As the only way he could have gotten into my room was through my window which doesn't open that wide!"
"And we know he's got terrible grammar," helped Yumichika. "So he's probably of very low intelligence or very high intelligence."
The women stared at him.
"Well," he continued. "Either he doesn't read a lot or he's holding so much information in his head that he deems grammar not important enough to remember."
"Or," reasoned Isane. "He could just be dyslexic?"
"I suppose." Sniffed Yumichika, embarrassed that he had forgotten about that possibility.
"In any case we should try and get into the mind set of this maniac if we are too discover him!" Rukia declared, taking the lead.
Everyone started nodding and muttering in agreement and understanding.
…
"So how do we do that exactly?"
Everyone turned to look expectantly at Nemu as she was the smartest of them.
She merely looked back expressionlessly. "I wouldn't know where to begin as I have absolutely no experience with men."
Everyone turned to look back at Rukia.
"Well…I…erm…well to think like a pervert we have to act like a pervert," she said knowledgably. "And to do that we have to talk to a pervert. So…over to you Yumichika!"
All the women turned to look at him expectantly.
Yumichika squeaked in surprise. "Me? Why me? I'm not a pervert!"
"Yes but you are the only man here." Reasoned Kiyone.
"And you are in what is considered to be the most perverted Squad in Seireitei." Added Yoruichi with a wink.
The man pondered this for a while before deciding that it wasn't taking a jab at him personally. "Alright then, to the Women's bath house!" And with that he walked out of the door, passed old Ginrei Kuchiki and into the street, followed by a gaggle of women.
When they were beside the tall walls that enclosed the bathing area of the female Soul Reapers Yumichika turned around to address his followers.
"You have asked me to teach you how to become perverts and I shall. Lesson number One: how to become a Peeping Tom."
After hearing the pleasing sound of awe he turned to point at the building behind him. "This is where you shall receive your crash course, the aim of all Peeping Toms: to spy on naked women who are unaware of their presence and so are acting without constraint." He turned back to look at the rest of the women seriously. "Men…I mean women, you must use all of your skills, courage and brain power. If you are caught, you will be killed, but if you should succeed the reward will be unimaginable! Now go, make me proud; split up and be prosperous!"
Everyone let out a cheer and ran off in different directions leaving a proud Yumichika sparkling in the middle of the street. 'Now to see how they do,' he thought. 'I wonder if I should give them grades for this?'
Looking around the effeminate Soul Reaper spotted a tall building nearby, he smiled and flash-stepped to the top where he found several men drooling with binoculars pressed to their eyes.
"Tut tut, gentlemen must not spy on ladies bathing!" as soon as he said that, the men (who all happened to be in Squads Eight and Eleven) took one look at Yumichika, recognised him as their superior, concluded that they had no chance of fighting against him and left the roof as fast as they could. Satisfied Yumichika bent down to pick up one of the pair of binoculars that one of the men had dropped in their hurry to escape.
'I wonder how they are doing. I can't believe none of them came up here.' Looking through the lenses he looked around, frowning he looked again; he could not see a single one of his comrades. He looked on the streets, the other rooftops, the sky, the bath house, the windows of the other building the…wait. Doing a double take, Yumichika once again directed his gaze towards the bath house itself. Inside all the women were sitting in the hot springs having a soak and talking! 'What are you doing there, no that's not what you're supposed to do! Peeping-Toms can't do that so neither can you! Honestly do they have no brains, I take them out here and tell…'
Because Yumichika was so lost in thought he was quite surprised when he was arrested by two members of Squad Six.
"Wait, what are you doing?" cried the Fifth Seat.
"We are the guards on duty of patrolling the bath house today and you are under arrest." Replied one of the men importantly.
"Patrolling?"
"Yes," replied the other. "The rotor says it is squad Six's duty this week."
"What rotor, I don't know of any rotor!" said Yumichika utterly confused.
"Well you wouldn't would you? Squads Eleven and Eight are not allowed to be on the rotor as they would spend all their time looking at the women that they were supposed to be protecting." The first man explained while peering over Yumichika's shoulder to look at a woman who had just emerged from the water.
"We're taking you in sonny; you're nicked!" Squeaked the second man in excitement. "You're coming with us, to the big house!"
And without further ado, Yumichika was frog marched to the Squad Six Barracks where he was placed in the holding cell where he eventually lost his mind.
11.11.11
"…You were teaching women how to spy on other naked women?" asked Renji slowly.
"Yes, that's right." Nodded Yumichika.
"Ok…and Rukia was with them?"
"Yes."
Ikkaku nodded impressed, he reached one arm through the bars of his cell and slapped the flabbergasted Renji on the back. "Dude, your girlfriend's a lesbian!"
Renji reddened again, "She's not my girlfriend, we're just…friends."
Ikkaku gave him a scornful look "Uh huh, sure you are."
Embarrassed Renji tried to change the topic of conversation, "So what about you Ikkaku, tell me how you drove my Captain round the twist?"
The bald man shivered as he remembered…
11.11.11
Ikkaku had been following the Captain of Squad Six for a while now and after a little fit of flash-stepping (which utterly confused the Third Seat by the way) and discovering his friend in a very awkward situation, nothing eventful had happened. Byakuya Kuchiki had just walked through the town and into the forest, where they had now been for ten minutes.
'I wonder if this is where he and the Captain go to meet in secret,' wondered the bald man. Then he gasped as drunken realisation hit him, 'Oh my God I hope they don't start doing anything while I'm here!' Ikkaku started hyperventilating 'Must get away! Must. Not. See. Scaring. Event.'
He bolted off to the left, trying to escape the images that his imagination so kindly supplied to him.
"Stupid brain," he muttered while running through the woods. "I thought I'd killed you with alcohol!" But the more he tried not to think about his Captain and Byakuya, the more his imagination ran wild. Why, he could even hear them in his head, his drunken brain creating images with which to taunt him.
"Captain Zaraki stop that!" gasped Byakuya Kuchiki, trying to catch his breath.
"Make me." Growled Kenpachi as he ceased biting the other man's neck so he could pin him against a tree.
"But what if someone were to…" the protests soon stopped and then the only sounds that came from Captain Kuchiki's mouth were moans of pleasure and longing.
"!" screamed Ikkaku, covering his ears in an attempt to drown out the noises of the two imaginary Captains.
He was concentrating so hard on trying not to think that he took no notice of where he was going or of the spiritual pressures around him. So when he ran right into the middle of a gang of thieves and murderers he was completely shocked.
Everyone was in stunned silence, the bandits sat and stared at the strange Soul Reaper who had just run into their camp and Ikkaku was staring back, frozen mid-run.
Somewhere in the forest a twig snapped. It was if the starting bell of a boxing match had just been rung. There was instant uproar. All of the bandits grabbed their assorted weapons and charged at the man who had dared intrude on their lives. Ikkaku was fine with this, more than fine in fact; one could even go so far to say that he was positively delighted with the turn of events. This he could handle. A fight would take his mind off disturbing thoughts and even though none of the men were particularly skilled there were a lot of them, thirty at least, so Ikkaku had a good time cutting them down.
When he was done and all of his opponents were piled up into a groaning mound, he looked around at his surroundings. There were about ten tents in a circle enclosing the remains of a camp fire. Someone had obviously just been fishing as there were seven freshly dead fish in a basket. A rustling noise above him caught his attention. Ikkaku looked up, he blanched.
"Ca-Captain Kuchiki, ho-how long have you been up there?"
The Captain of Squad Six looked stonily down at the Third Seat of Squad Eleven from his perch in the branches of a yew tree. "Long enough." He replied coldly.
'Oh god I'm screwed,' thought Ikkaku. 'No, wait, he only saw me fighting bandits; he doesn't necessarily know I was following him. I could still get out of this alive.'
Deciding to play the idiotic fool (which was easy because unfortunately no one ever had great expectations when it came to the intelligence of Squad Eleven members) Ikkaku casually said "So, what brings the great Captain Kuchiki all the way out here to mingle with the commoners?"
Byakuya's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm not sure if I like your tone Third Seat Madarame."
Ikkaku's eye twitched at the condescending way the other man had said his rank, "I meant no disrespect sir it's just that I'm a little surprised to see you is all. You don't strike me as the kind of man who would enter a forest in one of the worst areas of Rukongai."
Ikkaku looked up at his superior with baited breath.
"You are quite right, I did not come to this place by choice, it's just that…I'm being followed."
Relieved that his bluff had worked, Ikkaku feigned surprise.
"Followed, by who and what for?"
"As for whom it is pursuing me I do not know but I thought the why would have been obvious." He looked at Ikkaku expectantly.
Unfortunately for him, even though he was mostly thinking straight thoughts now, a few remaining traces of drunkenness decided to make their presence known to Ikkaku at that moment. For a few seconds his brain stopped working properly and he said "Oh I see, someone else wants to catch you having sex with Captain Zaraki too."
11.11.11
"…well you can imagine that he was'nt overly thrilled at that. Hey…stop laughing Renji!"
The red-head tried and failed to sober up. "I'm sorry man but I still can't believe that you said that to Captain Kuchiki, if it were me I'd be dead by now, just be thankful that the only one who can discipline members of a Squad are their own Captains or you'd be sleeping with the fishes my friend."
"Yeah, yeah," muttered Ikkaku gloomily. "I don't know why you think I should be grateful though; when my Captain finds out what I was suggesting about his sex life he'll slaughter me!"
Yumichika decided that he had forgiven Ikkaku and chose that time to start comforting his old comrade. "That is if the Captain is not sleeping with Captain Kuchiki; if he is then he may be grateful that it is out in the open and you may be spared."
"So does that mean that he's definitely not sleeping with Momo?" the Third Seat clarified.
"Ohhhhh out of the question." The Fifth Seat shook his head vigorously. "Our Captain…isn't the most romantic person in the world and the fact that Momo's secret admirer tried to woo her with love letters, no matter how crude they were, proves that he was trying to be caring. Therefore our Captain is in no way connected to Mr Pervert."
"I guess you're right…"
Renji had been following this exchange of information with a slight frown on his face and now he looked positively pained as his mind was putting the pieces of the puzzle together. "Wait a minute…" he said eventually, causing the other two to jump as they remembered that he was there. "…are you investigating who your Captain's stalking?"
Yumichika blinked, "Stalking! Oh no, no, no, no, we are trying to find out who he's been sharing his bed with."
"We found a hair." Ikkaku added with a decisive nod as if it explained everything.
Giving both men a look that clearly said 'I'm worried about your mental health' Renji quickly changed the topic of conversation "You need to finish your story, what did my Captain do to you, I bet he blew his top right? And that's how you ended up in here?"
"Well no actually that's the odd thing…" Ikkaku continued his story.
11.11.11
"Oh I see, someone else wants to catch you having sex with Captain Zaraki too." Ikkaku blanched, had he really just said that?
Captain Kuchiki's eyes widened, he starred at Ikkaku for five minutes without saying a word. He couldn't believe it; this shabby lower class idiot thought that he, Byakuya Kuchiki, head of the noble Kuchiki clan and Captain of Squad Six…was gay? He was too shocked for words. In fact this information was so preposterous, so ridiculous and so…well he had been noticing men more and more lately…
'Oh don't be an idiot!' Byakuya scolded himself silently. 'You know you're not gay, it is forbidden in the family and besides you were married, you loved Hisana didn't you? You loved her enough to break the laws of Soul Society to save her younger sister! You can't be gay!'
"I loved gay can't Hisana." He blurted out.
Ikkaku was rather shocked, he blinked a few times as he tried to make sense of the other man's words.
Giving himself a mental shake, Captain Kuchiki tried again, "I can't be gay, I loved my wife and I'm not interested in that sort of thing, it's unnatural and wrong and completely …" he thought desperately for another insulting thing to say. "A waste of time."
Cursing himself for the stupidity of his last comment Byakuya stared to walk away.
"Wait...wait a minute captain."
Sighing Byakuya turned around to face the consequences of his temporary loss of vocabulary. Ikkaku was looking at him with a strange look in his eyes, what was that? Fear? No. Amusement? No, not that. Was it…could it be…pity?
"You know sir," Ikkaku said gently. "It's not like the old days now, people are becoming more…understanding. I've had to become more understanding! Do you think I was fine with Yumichika when I first met him? Hell no!
'I laughed at him, I beat him up, I almost killed him once, well more than once but that was after we became friends. Anyway one day when I was done kicking the shit out of him I asked "Why don't you fight back, why don't you defend yourself?" and he said to me,
'"Why should I? Why must I always justify my actions, it's just who I am. Don't people criticize how you live your life? Going from place to place, never stopping, never settling down, just so you can find fights. Some might call that meaningless but it's just who you are and I think being who you are is more important than anything in the world. Even if you die at a younger age than most people you'll die with something most people don't 'happiness and pride' and no one can take that away from you."
'Well after that I never touched the guy again and instead I started talking to him and before I knew it he had become my closest friend…my only friend and because he understood that travelling was part of who I was, he followed me and never tried to hold me back or criticize anything I did. I owe a lot to him and I respect him. He," Ikkaku uncomfortably scratched his neck. "He's the bravest man I have ever known."
Byakuya was staring at him again. "That…was the most beautiful story I have ever heard!" he burst into tears and held onto a slightly scared Ikkaku for support.
After a few minutes of awkward patting on the back from the Third Seat, Captain Kuchiki finally regained his composure.
"Thank you Third Seat Madarame, you have opened my eyes, I don't need to hide who I am anymore, screw everyone else! Those stuck up bastards who tell me how to live my life can all go and die in a ditch somewhere," he threw his head back and bellowed at the sky. "I CAPTAIN BYAKUYA KUCHIKI, HEAD OF THE NOBLE KUCHIKI CLAN AM BISEXUAL AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!"
With that he ran back through the forest, giggling manically, leaving a slightly deaf Ikkaku behind, feeling utterly confused. Deciding that Captain Kuchiki would probably wear himself out and calm down back into his normal self before actually telling anyone about his new found sexuality. Ikkaku concluded that it was time he went home and find out how the others had faired with their assignments.
He knew something was wrong as soon as he saw the gate in North Rukongai; the huge structure that has guarded the Court of Pure Souls for thousands of years had been reduced to splinters. With a sense of foreboding the Third Seat tentatively made his way into the Seireitei, looking around he saw that it was strangely empty, usually there were many people milling around catching up on and creating gossip, but it was deserted now. Giving a slight shiver he made his way to the Squad Eleven barracks, he met no one on his travels and not a gust of wind passed by. At this point Ikkaku was coming up with wild visions of what could have happened, 'It's the Espada, Aizen's trying to invade again and he has everyone under complete hypnosis, maybe it's the Visords trying to take revenge on Souls Society, or maybe it's the Bounte again…no wait that's just stupid talk!'
The biggest shock for the poor man was walking into his barracks and hearing…nothing, not a whisper. Ikkaku started hyperventilating 'Alright Ikkaku calm down, they're probably just out drinking, at the same time! Yes that's it, simultaneous drunkenness!' Losing his nerve, Ikkaku pelted out of his Squad's quarters and ran to the nearest Squad, Squad Twelve. 'There's always someone in Squad Twelve!' he thought hysterically. 'Kurotsuchi will just laugh at me then try to drug me as I walk back to my men who are training somewhere, yeah, that's right; that's exactly what'll happen!' Unfortunately for Ikkaku Squad Twelve wasn't empty, it was worse than that; there were Soul Reapers lying on the ground everywhere, the laboratories were ruined, machinery was broken, glass tubes were smashed and computers were flashing red lights left, right and centre. It looked as though a tornado had ripped through the place.
That was the final straw for Ikkaku, he ran screaming from the building, he shunpoed around Seireitei looking for any sign of life. Until at last he found them…all of them! Every single conscious Soul Reaper was gathered in a huge huddle and they all seemed to be looking at something. Relieved that he had found other people Ikkaku used his authority to push his way to the front of the crowd. When he saw what everyone was watching his mouth fell open.
There, in the middle of over 2500 people, Captain Kuchiki was running round with his shirt off, twirling his scarf in circles above his head, trying to avoid his fellow Captains all of whom were attempting to quieten him down (Captain Kurotsuchi wearing absolutely nothing) as he was shouting profanities and secrets about every one of them to the world.
"…and his mother was a Rhinoceros! I know why Captain Ichimaru was always smiling; when he was little he was walking passed a glue factory, when he was laughing at a joke the factory exploded and the glue stuck the smile to his face! Captain Unohana uses medical Kido to look slim, in reality she weighs…" At that moment he collapsed due to a syringe full of some unknown drug being plunged rather roughly into his neck by none other than the Captain of Squad Four herself.
"My, my, such ridiculous stories you have been coming up with Captain Kuchiki," Retsu smiled sweetly, silently daring anyone to suggest that she did use Kido to keep her weight down. "Whoever put you up to this?" she asked as she gave him a little healing power to wake him up, but not enough so that he was back to his manic self again.
"Madarame helped me realise that I don't have to hide anything anymore," Byakuya slurred. "He told me to keep no secrets I LIKE BOYS AND GIRLS!"
"Alright, that's enough Byakuya," said Ginrei Kuchiki who has just arrived. He started walking Byakuya back to his mansion, pulling him by his scarf.
"Let go man, you're not the boss of me, I have money I can buy what I want and what I want is a PONEY!" Byakuya yelled as he was dragged away kicking and screaming, just like a four year old.
As soon as he was gone all 2500 people turned to look at Ikkaku who had been trying unsuccessfully to melt into the crowd as soon as he had heard his name.
"Madarame," seethed Captain Hitsugaya. "What did you do to Captain Kuchiki?"
"I - I - I didn't do anything, I just tried to help is all – he was depressed and needed to be his own person you know? Not a robot."
"Well he's certainly his own person now," chuckled captain Zaraki, who had been doubled over with laughter the whole time. "But I hope that this sudden onset of insanity hasn't affected his fighting skills." He warned seriously.
"Third Seat Madarame," called out Head Captain Yammamoto from his perch on a nearby rooftop. "For all the disruption and damage you have caused by altering Captain Kuchiki's already delicate mental status, you will spend a month in the Squad Six cells. Is this clear?"
"Yes sir." Muttered Ikkaku as Renji, who looked like he had been slapped in the face by a kipper, lead him away.
11.11.11
"…"
When Ikkaku finished his story he was met with a stunned silence.
"Oh," Yumichika said eventually. "Well … I mean to say … good for him!"
Ikkaku nodded but he wasn't really paying attention to the narcissist, he was too busy trying to ignore Renji who was gawping at him with his mouth open. After about five minutes of trying to avoid eye contact with his friend Ikkaku had finally had enough. "What Renji! Look I'm sorry if I destroyed your Squads credibility or whatever but I didn't really do much at all!"
Renji continued to stare.
"'Cmon Yumichika let's go."
Grabbing the dishevelled man, Ikkaku made a hasty exit from the cell which Renji hadn't locked yet due to all the commotion, Yumichika trailing behind him. He shut the door on Renji who was still looking like he'd been told that Rukia was pregnant with Ichigo's child.
11.11.11
Stretching and yawning Rangiku Matsumoto sat up, not ready to open her eyes she let her body assess where she was. She was sitting on something hard and cold, from the tinny sound that it made when she wrapped her fingers on it, it was made of metal. Finally deciding it was time to open her eyes; she blinked and looked around her.
She was in a completely unfamiliar room, this did not daunt her however as she was used to waking up in alien places when she had been drinking, in fact she quite enjoyed trying to work out where she was and what she had done to get there. Looking around this room was very interesting indeed; there were machines and weird looking gadgets all around, most of them damaged and emitting foul smelling smoke, there were glass gars with dead thing floating inside them everywhere and men were lying unconscious all over the place in the strangest positions.
Frowning Rangiku decided that her best cause of action was to recall what she had done the night before.
She remembered that she had gone to get information from an old drinking buddy…
11.11.11
Everyone in Squad Eight could hear it, everyone in Squad Eight knew what it meant, everyone in Squad Eight felt sick.
Their Captain and the Lieutenant of Squad Ten were…
SINGING!
"She's a Killer Quee-eeen! Gun-fight and jeopardy, dynamite and a da-da-da, why have I forgotten the words? Anyti-ime"
"Wow Rangiku, you have such a beautiful singing voice!"
"Why thank you Captain, I serve to live...wait, that's not right…"
"It's as if an angel reached down from heaven and shoved a voice-box, it had just ripped out another angel's throat, down your neck."
"Why thank you Captain; that might be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."
"A gorgeous girl like you," said Kyoraku in a disbelieving voice as he lay across his desk. "Never! I bet men are falling over each other to compliment you."
"Ohhh-hhh, Captain." Giggled Rangiku playfully.
"No, no, I mean it; they'd have to have something wrong with them not to try it on with you, I bet you've had some great guys in your time." He added suggestively wiggling his eyebrows.
"Captain Kyoraku I'm surprised at you; you should never ask a lady about her private life like that!" Trying to look offended, but failing miserably, Rangiku turned her back on Kyoraku and made to stumble her way towards the door.
"No, wait." He called after her. "Oh, come on, I was only joking with ya', besides," he said slyly. "Everyone already knows about that side of your life!"
This caught the Lieutenants attention; even when drunk she was a gossip queen and gossip about herself was something she loved hearing, if only to laugh at the ludicrous things men were saying they'd done to her.
"Go on," she slid back into the chair opposite her drinking buddy. "I'm listening."
"Well," continued the Squad Eight Captain. "There's talk that you are still hung up about a certain somebody."
"Who?"
"Oh," Kyoraku poured himself another drink. "Let's just call him Iin Gichimaru."
"Uh-hu," she smiled knowingly. "And did this 'Git-shit-maru' have a permanent expression on his face?"
"As a matter of fact he did," exclaimed the Captain. "He was always frowning."
"And always had his eyes open?"
"You bettcha'; never saw him blink, not once!"
"Sounds boring to me," smirked Rangiku. "This 'Iin' character sounds like the complete opposite of what I'd go for."
"Oh yeah?" Shunsui perked up hopefully.
"Mmmm," she confirmed. "I like guys who aren't afraid to show what they're feeling."
"Really?" He asked leaning towards her.
"Who don't mind letting their guard down every once in a while." She continued leaning in herself.
"You don't say." He lent in further.
"A man who has his own style…"
Closer.
"…who makes his own rules.''"
Closer.
"…who isn't afraid…"
So close.
"…of a little…"
Their lips were inches from each other.
"…intimacy."
Shunsui licked his lips and moved in to kiss hers when she suddenly pulled away laughing like the drunk woman she was.
"I'm sorry…I-I'm sorry." She tried to calm herself down but seeing the pout on the other man's face she just started giggling again.
"That's not a nice trick," Sulked the Squad Eight Captain. "You should be more aware of other people's feelings."
"Oh come on," she had finally stopped laughing, her face bright with an idea. "I know what we can do! Let's go!"
She stood up and started dragging him towards the door.
"Where are we going?"
"Outside!"
"No, wait." Kyoraku pulled Rangiku back, whispering. "We can't go out Nanao will stop us."
"Nanao will stop us! But you're her Captain; just order her to let us go."
"Honestly; you don't know what she's like. I may wear the Captain's Coat but round here…" He pulled Rangiku round and looked her dead in the eye. "…it's her rules."
Shivering slightly at the intensity of his gaze the Squad Ten Lieutenant started wondering about her friend. Sure she was strict and basically ran the 'Women's Shinigami Association' (Yachiru didn't help much with raising money, just spending it), but she had never thought her friend held this much power over her superior.
'If only I had this much power over my Captain' she mussed, slipping into dream land.
"Here's your Sake Matsumoto."
"Why thank you Captain."
"And that bath of milk you asked for has been made."
"How sweet of you."
"Would you like anything else?" asked Captain Hitsugaya, he was dressed in the fashion of a maid in the world of the living; he had a short black dress, a pretty apron and high heeled shoes. His hair was gelled back and he was smiling shyly at his Lieutenant.
"Yes, now that you come to mention it, I have another darling little outfit for you to try on!" she exclaimed patting his head.
"Really!" he asked in excitement, his face lit up with the prospect of new clothes.
"Here we go." She proclaimed, holding up a sailor-boy suit, complete with black shiny shoes and matching hat.
"Eeeeeeekkk!" Toshiro squealed in excited anticipation.
"Oh, it fits perfectly Captain."
"Rangiku?"
"Yes, I know, now try this…"
"Rangiku."
"It's a lovely nurse's outfit!"
"Look Lieutenant; I'm as accepting of cross-dressers as anyone, heck, I quite like doing it myself! But now is not the time; weren't we supposed to be sneaking out under my dear subordinates nose?" reminded a confused Kyoraku.
"Oh yes," said Rangiku remembering her surroundings. "I forgot about you. Come on; let's ditch this dump!"
"I think it's a rather fashionable roo…" the Captain started to sulk but was stopped mid-sentence when he was pulled out of the building by the front of his uniform.
11.11.11
Sighing Nanao rubbed her tired eyes. Usually she dreamt of this type of situation all day long; in the middle of the day she dreaded waking her Captain up, in the afternoon she cursed him for being lazy and in the early hours of the morning while she was scrapping him off the stool of the bar where he had fallen into a drunken stupor, she would curse her luck at being paired with this drunken sexist idiot who called himself her Captain while trying to look down at her cleavage. But now that she was alone and he was being looked after by someone else, Ise Nanao found that she didn't know what to do.
She had started off training, as combat was her weakest point, but without her Captain there to give her pointers, she didn't know if she was doing well or not. So she had tried to do paperwork, but without her Captain there making a loud nuisance of himself she found it very lonely and boring. In the end she had decided to go to the library and read a book with her friend Momo, but her reading buddy wasn't there and it was too nice a day to be stuck in the library by herself.
Nanao was at a loss, she had no idea how to spend her time without her Captain there, with another sigh she readjusted her glasses before reaching a decision; she would go and break up captain Kyoraku's little drinking party, she would say it was because they were being too noisy…no, she shook her head it is because they're being too noisy, why else would it be, you don't want to stop them having fun to be spiteful, and you definitely don't want your Captain's attention back on yourself because you miss him or anything; why that's just…it's just…
"Absurd!" she yelled before turning bright pink as everyone in the library glared at her. Bowing quickly she made a hasty exit, now that she was on her way back to the barracks she was debating whether to send Rangiku back to her own squad or to let the two keep on drinking while she just sat quietly in a corner and read.
I'll let them have their fun, she concluded as she slid open the door to her Captain's office. After all I'm not a monst…
Lieutenant Ise Nanao was known for three things, one was that she had a habit of carrying a heavy book with her at all times (some though it was for show, others thought it was her Bankai), another was that she was the only lieutenant who could completely control their Captain (Lieutenant Kusajishi is almost able to do it, but Captain Zaraki still puts her in time out when she goes too far) but the thing she was most famous for was her glare (there was a popular rumour circulating Seireitei that Aizen was defeated when he saw Nanao with her glasses off).
Nothing had been proven of course but the look she had on her face as she surveyed the messy, broken, uninhabited room in front of her was the reason why Rangiku had started the rumour in the first place. Without saying a word Nanao swept out of the room, as she walked down the corridor people ran from her path, her eyes like laser beams searching for any clue as to where the two miscreants were.
Poking her head out of the window Rangiku watched as Nanao's back turned the corner into the road leading away from the Barracks. Withdrawing her head she turned to Captain Kyoraku who was shivering in a hunched up ball beside her.
"Don't worry Captain, she's gone now, we're free!"
This did nothing to settle him as he continued to rock back and forth with his thumb in his mouth muttering, "She's going to kill me, that Reiatsu; she's hungry! Hungry for bloooood!"
"There, there Captain," Rangiku sighed as she patted the terrified man on the back. "I know what'll cheer you up. Let's go and get completely smashed!"
As she dragged a still muttering Kyoraku into the street Rangiku had a brilliant idea, or at least it seemed like one in her drunken state. She decided to 'kill two birds with one stone' as they said in the world of the living. She would not only find out if Captain 'Flower-Power' was Captain 'Spiky-Head''s secret lover, she would also investigate Captain 'Creepy-Pants' and Lieutenant 'Creepy-Pants-in-Training-Who-Just-Needs-to-Master-the-Art-of-Face-Paint'. 'Note to self' she thought 'Come up with shorter nicknames!' Shaking her head she started off in the direction of the 'Creepy-Ass-Building-That-Housed-The-Creepy-Assed-People-With-Their-Creepy-Assed-Personallities'.
She rounded the corner to the main laboratory where she was sure she would find her two targets. Rangiku came to a sudden stop when she found the place in complete disarray. People were running around like headless chickens, paper was flying everywhere, random men and women in white coats were barking out orders and one lady was standing in the middle of all the commotion screaming "Won't somebody please think of the children?"
Luckily all of this snapped Kyoraku out of his 'She's going to kill me' mantra. Looking around he grabbed a passing guy in a lab coat who was running with a cactus and a rubber band in his arms. "Hey there my good fellow," said Kyoraku in his usual laid back voice. "Mind telling me what's going on here?"
"Oh yes," replied the man in a surprisingly calm voice. "We're just having a drill, happens every day you know, so we know what to do in case of an emergency."
"I see but if it's just a drill and you do it every day why is everyone so panicked?"
The Captain was given a strange look by the man as though he thought he was mad. "Well," the man said slowly as if talking to a child. "We have to panic because we need to create an accurate simulation of what a real emergency would be like, otherwise there'd be no point in doing it would there?"
While Kyoraku shook his head in disbelief of this logic the lieutenant piped up "If you do this every day how do you find the time to get any work done?"
"We don't really," was the response. "That's why we always take so long doing anything, now if you'll excuse me I have to get my 'It's the end of the world' plaque." With that he ran screaming into the nearest building.
Kyoraku turned to Rangiku "Now I know that I'm drunk, so that might explain it, but this doesn't really make any sense to me."
"Really, I think it makes perfect sense, now come on, let's find the two Kurotsuchi's."
Shaking his head the flowery Captain followed the busty woman into the huge lab, in the centre they found the Captain typing away on his organ like keyboard.
"Captain Kurotsuchi," squealed Rangiku in false surprise. "Imagine seeing you here."
The clicking of the keys stopped and the chair turned around, Rangiku and Kyoraku were met with the terrifying face of the Twelfth Division's Captain, funny Lion King hair style and all.
"What do you want?" he snarled. "I am in the middle of a very important experiment here."
"Forgive me for saying so Myuri," said the Eight Division Captain. "But to me it looks like you're playing World of Warcraft."
"It's a very important raid…a research raid!"
Rangiku peered at the monitor, "Captain is that an Espada you're playing against?"
"For the last time it's a research raid, I'm not playing," he snapped angrily. "It just so happens that the opponent I'm raiding is Szayel-Aporro Granz."
At the confused look of the Lieutenant, Kyoraku whispered in her ear. "They've had a grudge match going on ever since they met; it's been a cyber-war. They've battled using WoW, Pockie Ninja, internet ping-pong and Moshi Monsters. Myuri's still sore because he keeps loosing."
"I do not keep loosing," screamed the deranged scientist. "He just keeps cheating!"
"Well why don't you cheat back?" asked Rangiku.
"Because that's not how you're supposed to play."
"It's because Granz is better at hacking than he is." Whispered Kyoraku.
"AAAHHHHHH DAMN IT! Lost again! It's all your fault." Myuri screeched accusingly, pointing a long finger at the two. "If you hadn't interrupted my concentration I would have been fine. Now, how to punish you…I know! Why don't I show you a new drug I've been testing, it's to die for."
"No thank Myuri," laughed Kyoraku while looking around. "Say where's you're pretty Lieutenant?"
"She at one of those meetings of hers, I don't really care. But why are you here, can't you go and bother someone else?"
"We've decided that you need to loosen up more, have some fun," giggled Rangiku as she hooked her arm round Kurotsuchi's neck, a bottle of Sake in her hand. "Why don't you have a little drink with us?"
The scientist gave her a look of disgust. "Why on earth would I do something so idiotic and unsophisticated as drinking until I could no longer think properly?"
"Because it's fun." Laughed the lieutenant.
Kyoraku shook his head "Forget it 'Giku the old Kraut wouldn't know fun if it came up and gave him a lap dance."
"Hey, I know how to do something as idiotic as fun, I just find it beneath me."
"Really, I bet you're idea of fun is dissecting someone."
"Well that is fun, however I do know how to have the kind of fun you're talking about too, I was young once."
"Nooooo," gasped Rangiku disbelievingly. "You were?"
"Of course I was!"
"Then prove it," smiled the other Captain. "Show us that you're human, or are you all talk and no drink?"
"Fine, I'll do it, but just to teach you a lesson." Snatching the Sake bottle out of the Lieutenants hand Myuri hesitantly took a sip.
11.11.11
Three hours later Myuri was singing 'Life is a boat', completely naked, except for his pants, which he was wearing on his head. "Nobody knows who I really am, maybe they just don't give a damn…" he stopped singing and pulled a passing girl onto his lap. "It's true," he sniffed to the woman. "Nobody does give a damn about how I feel. Everyone says 'oh look there's creepy Myuri, he doesn't have a heart, he doesn't have feelings, we can just say what we like about him because he won't get upset.' WELL I DO! I cry myself to sleep every night because I have nobody to share my bed with, nobody to love…Can a-ny-bo-dy, find meee-ee-ee somebody too-oo loooovve?..." As he burst into a Queen song Rangiku finally decided that he could be removed from the list as he had just admitted that he slept alone every night.
The Lieutenant herself was part of a conga line that had just formed full of drunken Squad Twelve members (the reason that everyone was now drunk is that about an hour ago a hiccupping Kurotsuchi had ordered his whole Squad to "get totally off your faces!").
Myuri took another drink and fell off his chair, crushing the poor girl who he had pulled onto his lap. "Wooopsey," he laughed picking himself up. "It seems like you've had a little too much to drink." He scolded wagging his finger at the girl who was now unconscious. "Ohhhh a conga line!"
He joined the line witch now contained all the members of the Squad who were still conscious, said line danced its way out of the Lab and into the street where they came across Byakuya Kuchiki Singing 'Dancing Queen' in the middle of the road. The line stopped dancing as everyone started to encircle the deranged Captain. However he was soon joined as Myuri started singing and dancing too "Anybody could be that guy, the night is young and the music's hig-gh, with a bit of rock mu-sic…"
More and more people started to watch the strange phenomena and pretty soon nearly the whole of Seireitei had congregated to observe the bazar spectacle.
The two Captains had fallen out when Myuri stood on Byakuya's foot while they were dancing to 'Hit me Baby One More Time' and now they were have a heated 'Yo Mama' fight. Rukia was shouting encouragement to her brother while Nemu was calling out suggestions to her Captain/father.
"'Yo mama thought you were so ugly that when you came out, she tried to push you back in!" Yelled Captain Kuchiki.
"Oh yeah well 'Yo Mama's so ugly that Charlotte Coolhorn went daaaanng!"
"Yo Mama so stupid she thought Nnnoitra Gilga looked like a fork!"
"Well 'Yo Mama…"
"How long has this been going on for?" Enquired Captain Ukitake.
"I don't know but they seem to be really enjoying it don't they?" replied Lady Yoruichi.
"Should we stop them?" Asked a worried Captain Hitsugaya.
"No do-don't do th-that, it's just get-ing intrestin'" laughed Captain Zaraki, gasping for breath.
"It looks like the decision has just been taken out of our hands, look." Said Captain Komamura, pointing into the middle of the clearing where Captain Kuchiki had just punched Captain Kurotsuchi in the face after Kurotsuchi said his mother gave Captain Ichimaru a blow job.
Deciding to get revenge, Captain Kuchiki addressed the audience. "Does anyone want to know why Captain Kurotsuchi used to wear that weird hat that made him look like a rabbit with bent ears? It's because he was convinced that there were little people that went around the sky, putting the stars up at night, so he used the hat as a boomerang to try and catch them!"
He was quite happy with the laughs and applause he got, so happy in fact that he decided to please everyone more. "I know loads of secrets about my fellow Captains; did you know that Captain Zaraki wanted to become a ballet dancer? He still has the pink Tutu and ballet slippers in his wardrobe now!"
Kenpachi stopped laughing and turned bright pink when everyone turned to stare at him. "He's lying obviously, why would I…I don't even…I'm gonna kill him!"
With that Captain Zaraki pulled out his zanpakuto and ran after Captain Kuchiki, he was soon followed by all the other Captains as the Head of the Kuchiki Clan started telling stories about all of them.
He was finally stopped, much to Rangiku's disappointment, by Captain Unohana and then dragged off by his grandfather. However Lieutenant Matsumoto didn't stay to see her comrade arrested, instead she realised that she had left quite a lot of alcohol back in the laboratory and so she unsteadily shunpoed her way back and drank a bit more before passing out on a gurney.
11.11.11
Well there you go, phew, chapter five is finally over, the length is to make up for the long waiting time (quantity not quality that's my motto), I really didn't enjoy writing Kyoraku very much as I don't really know him that well, I don't dislike him, I just don't really like him (you can probably tell from the deterioration of writing style in this chapter).
Someday I might revisit this chapter and try and make it more legible but I want to post it so you can read it and so I can get onto the next chapter witch I'm looking forward to writing more (in fact I am already about a third of the way through it).
Well done if you got any of the references, if you did tell me so I know what sort of things you guys know and which you don't.
There's something else I need to say but I can't remember what it was…oh well if I remember I'll say it some other time!
Th-th-th-that's all Folks!