7. Help From The Enemy
Did you not like the last chapter, only I didn't get many reviews, I know that it wasn't my best and I went a bit, well OK a lot, over the top with Byakuya's character, but it was alright wasn't it?
Anywho, you have a treat this chapter; we have the Espada joining us, yay! I tried out a pairing this chapter, I wanted something that no one had done before so there is a good chance that you won't like it, however remember that this is a comedy and although I try to make the characters act close to what they normally would, I still have artistic licence.
I totally own Bleach…yeah only kidding.
Enjoy!
"We need help." sighed Yumichika.
"Definitely." agreed Ikkaku.
"Awwwww," sniffed Rangiku, "I liked it when it was just the three of us working together."
"Yes, well, you'll just have to grin and bear it," smirked the Fifth Seat. "Besides, we don't really need to tell people what they're helping us with." he smiled evilly.
"Riiiigghht," said Ikkaku. "So tell me, how are we going to ask someone who they think our Captain is sleeping with, without revealing that we're looking for the person that our Captain is sleeping with?"
"Sarcasm is an ugly form of humour Ikkaku; don't use it. Besides, it's easy! All we need to say is that there is a long black hair whose owner needs to be found for some reason!"
As the narcissist was explaining this Lieutenant Matsumoto was becoming steadily more excited until she could contain her idea no more. "OK, I have it!"
"Have what," moaned the Third Seat, "It's not contagious is it? Hahahahaha!" he laughed uncontrollably at his own wit while the other two starred at him, completely unamused. "Hahaha...WHAT?"
His two friends gave each other a look before the woman in their group continued. "Well, which person in the world is closest to Captain Zaraki?"
"His hairdresser?"
"His tailor?"
"No , it's…" she was cut off however as the two men continued.
"The Head-Captain."
"His dentist."
"Erm, guys…?" it seemed to have turned into a competition.
"His lover."
"His mother."
"Ichigo!"
"US!"
"What? No no no no. Honestly do you two know your Captain at all? He's closest to Lieutenant Kusajishi!"
"Ohhhhhhh..." the two men gave understanding nods.
"I'm sorry Rangiku," Yumichika apologised. "It's just that we're so used to seeing the Captain and the Lieutenant together it's like they're the same person!"
"Yeah," agreed Ikkaku. "Actually it's hard to think of one without the other somewhere near."
That said, all three went into deep thoughts, trying to picture the two alone. Ikkaku shuddered, "You see, it just doesn't work."
"Well, whatever," shrugged the Lieutenant. "If anyone knows the identity of Captain Zaraki's secret lover it'll be Yachiru."
11.11.11
"Hi there Yachiru."
"Oh, hi big boobies." the pink haired Soul Reaper glanced behind her briefly to acknowledge her fellow lieutenant before turning back to her drawing.
Rangiku slid the door to the small girl's bedroom closed behind her and made her way over to the child. "Ohhh, you're drawing? How ador..." She had moved around so she could see the artistic escapades of her friend only to be shocked into silence. "...Is that...a severed head?"
The girl nodded happily "Yup, and that's that guy's kidneys and that's that guy's brain and that's that guy's fibula!"
"And that's your Captain is it? Drinking Sake out of that man's skull?"
"Uh huh, that's Ken-chan alright!"
"How...precious," smiled a slightly woozy Matsumoto. "Talking about your Captain, have you noticed him acting strangely lately?"
"Who? Ken-chan? Nuh-uh."
Rangiku noticed that the mood in the room seemed to change and the spiritual pressure emanating from Yachiru suddenly became menacing.
"Why, what's wrong with Ken-chan?"
"Oh nothing, nothing." quickly changing the topic of conversation Rangiku asked. "Do you know anyone with long black hair?"
This seemed to work because before she knew it every trace of the small girl's spiritual pressure was gone.
"Huh? Black hair, hummmm, well..."
"Yes?"
"What about Byakuchiki."
"No, it's not him."
"Emo-chan?"
"Not hers."
"Frigid midget Bitch?"
"She was the second one we tried...we need someone outside of Soul Society, someone strong and good at fighting."
"Why?"
"Ermm because..." she struggled to come up with a plausible story. "...because we found a hair in...my Captain's bed...and we want to know who it belongs to." she finished in a rush.
"Why do you want to know that?"
"So we can find out who he's sleeping with, obviously."
"Oh...why would someone want to sleep with Snowflake?"
"I don't know why but someone does and I'm going to find out who!"
"Cool, well...how about...um...SPOON MAN!"
"Spoon man?"
"Yep, he's an Espada and he has long black hair and an eye patch and loves fighting almost as much as Ken-chan!"
"Oh he does, does he?" she smiled evilly. "Anyone else."
"Ummm, well there's that guy Ichi fought, what was his name? Ul...Ulqui...that's it he's called Ulqui!"
"And he has long black hair?"
"Well I was talking to jiggles and she said when those two fought, Ulqui turned into a bat and his hair grew really long!" she spread her arms to show her interpretation of this fact.
"Wow, OK any other Espada?"
The girl thought for a moment. "No, I don't think so."
"Well thank you so much Lieutenant; you really helped."
"Anytime Mega boobies,"
Lieutenant Matsumoto exited the room.
Yachiru smiled darkly "Anytime."
11.11.11
"Explain to me why we're doing this again." asked an exasperated Ikkaku.
"Because the Lieutenant said that we need to do research on two of the Espada, so that's what we're going to do." his effeminate friend answered.
"Fine but why is Renji coming along?" the bald man pointed to the tattooed red-head standing behind him.
"Hey!" said Renji in an offended tone, "At least pretend to be glad I'm here!"
"Whatever," responded a bored Ikkaku before turning back to Yumichika. "So why?"
"Because he's the only one who knows the layout of Hueco Mundo, none of us have actually been there, we only battled in the fake world of the living and only Renji and Rukia actually followed Ichigo and his band of merry idiots into the land of the hollows. Which is something no Soul reaper in their right mind would do!"
"Hey!" said Renji again starting to feel hurt now, "Stop making out like I'm an unwanted idiot or I'll leave; we'll see how well you fair in an unknown world full of soul eating monsters on you own then, shall we?"
"Alright, alright, keep your pants on," drawled the Third Seat. "Jeez were you this much of a bitch when I was training you?"
"OK boys are you ready?"
"Where have you been Rangiku; we've been waiting here for ages!"
"Alright, keep your hair on baldy."
"That's not funny ya know."
"Yes it is...now, I've made all the necessary arrangements, Squad Twelve is opening up a Garganta to Las Noches castle as we speak."
"How have you managed that?" asked a curious Renji.
"Simple; I told Myuri that Szayel-Aporro said 'the Captain of Squad Twelve couldn't open the door to his own laboratory, let alone create a passage into the middle of Lord Aizen's stronghold.' Of course he had to prove Szayel wrong and completed it in one night!"
As the band of four set off on their mission, they failed to notice the figure that was silently following them.
11.11.11
Grimmjow was bored B.O.R.E.D bored. Ever since the Winter war in which both sides had been severely injured and exhausted, Aizen had spent more and more time stuck in his room, when anyone asked what the Great Aizen-sama was doing in there, Gin or Tousen would say "Strategizing", which everyone knew was code for 'Sulking like a baby'. As for the Espada, they had nothing to do; they couldn't train because of orders from the only competent, even if only self-taught, physician in the land of the Hollows Szayel-Aporro Granz. He had told them, after healing the majority of their wounds, that they needed time to heal or they would open up again and he "Won't waste my valuable time treating idiots who don't have the brain power to stay alive." That being said when Nnoitra inevitably ignored his doctor's commands and opened up his two huge chest wounds when trying to limbo dance, Szayel-Aporro had fixed him up, even though it was only because Tesla had begged him to and Szayel couldn't say no to Tesla who he found too damned cute when worried.
Each of the Espada dealt with their new found freedom in different ways, Lilynette was being taught how to be a lady by Harribel's fraccion (it wasn't going very well, as all she had learnt so far was all the different ways you could insult another female).
Starrk was spending all his time under the numerous cushions in his room and hadn't been sighted for a week after the war (some, including his other half had thought him dead).
Harribel was learning how to cook (which caused much unrest amongst her fellows, especially in their stomachs).
Baraggan was learning Spanish dancing from Dordonii (much to everyone's amusement)
Ulquiorra had become addicted to travelling to the world of the living (only Harribel knew it was so he could watch something called anime and read something called Manga and that he was currently studying the phenomena known as Death Note which he said "Holds interesting information about our Shinigami enemies" All of which meant nothing to Harribel of course who had just nodded and carried on with her poisonous looking soufflé).
Nnoitra had also taken to disappearing for hours and when he came back he was relaxed and had a silly smile on his face (whenever questioned about where he went he would blush furiously and splutter foul language at the person who had asked, but when he was seen with a pair of black thongs, even Tesla stopped trying to figure out the mystery).
Szayel-Aporro Granz was in his laboratory as usual.
Aaroniero and Yammy were the only Espada who had actually been killed in the Winter war and Zommari had disappeared (some were cooking up hugely fanciful stories about what had happened to him, for example him being the first Arrancar in space, him being recruited by the world of the living police force to capture fast criminals, others like Ulquiorra just thought him to be dead and buried under rubble somewhere) .
Grimmjow had taken to prowling the corridors of late, bullying anyone he saw and annoying anyone he couldn't bully. All in all everyone was becoming bored with doing nothing; even Starrk had been seen doing exercises spontaneously, without being told to!
So it was to Grimmjow's great relief that, as he was making his usual moody rounds of the corridors, he saw something interesting, namely a bunch of Soul Reapers, apparently lost in the middle of Las Noches.
"I'm sure it's a left here." said the one with the red spiky hair.
"Really?" scoffed the bald one. "Only you were sure about that door that lead us into a swamp."
"Yeah, thanks for that." sniffed a woman who was covered in fouls smelling liquid.
Grimmjow giggled, little did the intruders know that what they had walked into was not a swamp, but was in fact where Baraggan liked to bathe.
"Well we can't stand around all day." the final member of the group said.
"Yumichika's right, we have to go somewhere."
"OK Ikkaku, I say we go this way!" the red head pointed to a corridor on the right.
Grimmjow made a sucking sound through his teeth, "Ohhh, I wouldn't go that way if I were you; it leads to where I keep my pets."
All five Soul Reapers jumped and whipped around to see an Espada with electric blue hair standing right behind him with his hands in his pockets and a slight smirk on his face.
"Who are you? What do you want?" shrieked Yumichika in a very shrill voice.
The Espada gave him a weird look, "I thought you were a chick."
"Excuse me?" was the spluttered response.
"Ah well," sighed the hollow. "You look pretty fit either way."
The narcissist went bright red and with a small smile tilted his head as if to say 'I know'.
"Not too bad yourself." he winked.
While this exchange was going on the other four were looking back and forth incredulously.
"Wow, wow, wow..." interrupted Ikkaku once he'd had enough. "Look...guy…"
"Grimmjow, Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, some call me the beast of Las Noches." he grinned at Yumichika, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively.
"I bet they do!"
"Hey, hey, will ya stop that," cried Renji. "It's really creepy, I mean really, yuch." he pulled a face to emphasise his point.
"Fine hot head," Grimmjow turned his scowl into a cheeky grin again. "I'll try and behave."
"Stop giggling like that Yumichika!" snapped Rangiku who was annoyed that she wasn't the one being hit on.
"So are you going to help us Espada?" growled a pissed off Renji.
"Sure I guess," he shrugged. "Got nothin' better ta do."
As Grimmjow started to lead the gang of Soul Reapers through the castle a little pink head poked out from behind a wall.
"It's play time." giggle Yachiru menacingly.
11.11.11
"Hey Harribel, have you seen my right shoe?"
"No Nnoitra I have not, now please leave me to cook dinner in peace."
"But I could have sworn I lost it in here." the tall Espada whined as he searched through the kitchen in search of the missing slipper.
"It is probably in your room somewhere, have you checked under your bed?"
"Yes."
"And your bathroom?"
"Yes."
"And in wherever it is you disappear to every day?"
"...Yes."
"Really?"
"...No, but I'm sure it's in here." he slumped onto the nearest chair and banged his forehead against the table.
"Well sulking about it won't help, why don't you..."
She would have continued but at that moment she was interrupted by Starrk who came running into the room, almost falling onto the table. He stopped himself from doing so however and proceeded to jog on the spot.
"Hey have-either-of-you-seen-an-energy-drink?"
"What?" asked Tier slightly shocked at the energy the usually lazy Starrk was portraying.
"I-just-reeeeeaaaalllllly need-an-energy-drink-right-now."
"You'll have to slow down bro, I didn't hear a fucking thing you just said." said a bemused Nnoitra.
"Don't use-language-like-that; it's bad...it's a bad, bad word, wash your soap out with mouth!"
"Are you alright Coyote? You're acting a little strangely." soothed Harribel.
"Yeah-yeah, I'm fine, why-wouldn't-I-be?"
"Hey Starrk," laughed the lanky Espada. "Say Babbling Bumbling Band of Baboons over and over!"
"Babbling-bumbling-band-of-baboons-babbling-bumbling-band-of-baboons-babbling-bumbling-band-of-b..."
"Alright Starrk that's enough, Nnoitra stop teasing him." Tier folded her arms and looked back to the Primera. "Don't listen to a word Nnoitra says..."
"Hey!"
"...Just do what I say, now...recite She Sells Sea Shells!"
"She-sells-sea-shells-on-the-sea-shore-the-shells-she-sells-are-sea-shells-I'm-sure"
Nnoitra gave an impressed "ahh" of wonder.
"So why ya' actin' like this Starrk?" he asked eventually.
"Acting-like-what, I'm-not acting-like-anything."
At the confused look on Nnoitra's, face Harribel came to his rescue.
"Have you been drinking coffee again? I told you after the last incident; you are banned from coffee."
The tall man snickered "Yeah, I think Tousen's still tryin' ta' get over that whole incident with the teapot."
"Coffee, me, what, coffee, no! As if I'd ever touch that juice of life again...that sweet, sweet aroma, the way fumes enter your body and fill you up, the way the steam curves seductively in the air..." he started daydreaming with his eyes closed, "Don't worry baby, we're alone now, no nasty Tier to interrupt us again, that's right, cuddle up to me. What's that, you want to what? Ohhohoho, no we shouldn't, no! Oh all right then..." he then made strange slurping noises, while cupping his hands around an invisible mug of coffee he was holding to his lips.
Nnoitra and Harribel looked at each other with alarm, Tier nodded towards the door and they both exited as silently and as quickly as they could, leaving Starrk to have some 'alone time' with his make-believe beverage. After about ten minutes Coyote came out of his trance and back to the real world, looking around he realised that he was alone, shrugging his shoulders, he went over to the pot of soup Harribel was making and stuck a spoon in to have a taste. Out with a spoon full of blue liquid however, came a long chord like thing, when he pulled it, an entire shoe came out of the concoction. Utterly confused and feeling rather ill, Starrk let the shoe drop back into the soup and left without trying any.
11.11.11
"You know why my aspect of death is destruction don't you?"
"No."
"It's because I utterly destroy everything in the room when I'm fucking someone."
Yumichika giggled more as Grimmjow slipped an arm around his waist.
"Ya know something else? I've got a terrible habit of biting." he nibbled the other man's ear.
"Guy's seriously! We're still here you know!" came an indignant yell from behind the two.
Growling slightly Grimmjow swung around to face the unwelcome tag alongs. "If you want to go wondering around here on your own, be my guest, in fact I'd prefer it that way, then I could do my thing without interruption!"
"Look," snapped back Ikkaku in irritation. "We'd love to leave you; we have absolutely no desire to watch you 'do your thing'. But we have to follow you because you said you'd show us the way and that's our friend you've been seducing right in front of us, so we need to make sure he's safe!"
Smirking, the Espada gave a bark of laughter. "'You gotta make sure he's safe?' What are you twelve? Look he's a big boy now; he can make decisions on his own, without his mother breathing down his neck. So back off will ya'?"
"whaddya' mean his mother do I look like I wear a dress to you?"
"Well if the shoe fits…"
"You're one to talk, why I…"
"ENOUGH!" roared Renji, making everyone jump. "This is getting us nowhere. If we can't play like nice boys and girls we'll have to split up, Yumichika and Rangiku can go and look for this Ulqui person and Ikkaku, the Espada and I will look for the spoon man."
This was not a very popular idea, as the red-head was bombarded with arguments.
"What do you mean me and Yumichika, I'm not talking to that snob!"
"Are you kidding, why don't we just kill the Espada; we don't even need him!"
"I'm not going with Matsumoto; she's lazy, she'll just slow me down!"
"I ain't goin' anywhere and I ain't helpin' any of you if I'm not with Yumi!"
Renji quickly held up his hands in defeat. "Ok,Ok, I'm sorry, I was just trying to help, we don't have to split up, we just need to calm down a bit. 'Cmon you guys; if we keep on making this much noise Aizen'll be sure to hear us."
This shut the three Soul Reapers up instantly but Grimmjow just snorted. "Yeah right, look, the Great and powerful Aizen-sama doesn't even know the time of day anymore! He wouldn't notice you guys if walked into his room and did the strip-tease right in front of him!"
Everyone starred at him in disbelief.
"Really?" asked Yumichika incredulously.
"Really! He just spends all his time locked in his room, drinking tea and talking to a silver framed picture of Ulquiorra he has on his bedside table."
Rangiku shook her head in in confusion. "I don't understand; how did this happen, when did Aizen loose it?"
Grimmjow thought for a moment. "It started about a week after the Winter war. One day we go down for our daily meeting and Ichimaru's there telling us to go back to bed 'cause Lord Aizen's ill. Well, we haven't seen him since, it's a complete mystery to us, he doesn't even let his two lackeys see him anymore; they have to leave his food outside his door."
"How did he get like that," wondered Renji aloud. "I mean what could have happened?"
"No one knows," came the reply. "The last person to see him was Ulquiorra and he refuses to tell anyone what Aizen-sama said."
"Interesting," mussed Yumichika, stroking his chin. "Well, let's go find this Ulquiorra and interrogate him ourselves."
"Just one more thing, what is Ichimaru doing with himself these days?" Rangiku's unusual silence was broken as she asked the question as nonchalantly as possible.
Grimmjow frowned and shrugged. "I dunno', the usual I suppose, going round and playing pranks on people. Oh yeah…I think it was last week, he stuck a 'Kick Me' sign on Tousen's back and we were all kicking him and running away before he could react. But I did it and he turned around fast…I managed to get away though, Ulquiorra wasn't as lucky; he was behind me, just walking along and Tousen blames him and runs around Las Noches trying to kill him with his zanpakuto! Ah…good times." The blue haired man smiles at the memory before coming back to reality. Flinging an arm around Yumichika's shoulders again, he turns to leave. "Well come on, we got Espada to find!"
11.11.11
Ulquiorra was thinking, Ulquiorra liked thinking…well no he didn't like it, he didn't like anything in particular. It was more that he could not see the harm in thinking and it was easy enough to do, he just let his mind wonder.
At the moment he was thinking about the latest manga he was reading. He found manga fascinating, Ulquiorra had thought he was quite knowledgeable about the world of the living, but ever since he started reading those books, he had begun to realise how very little he actually knew. For example; before Death Note he had no idea that Shinigami killed humans in order to elongate their existence (and they killed hollows for doing the same, those hypocrites!), before Fullmetal Alchemist he didn't know that humans could trans mutate things, before Soul Eater he thought that cats in the world of the living were just cats and before Howl's Moving Castle he had naively assumed that all buildings remained on the ground. 'How very little I know' he thought to himself as he walked along a corridor towards the library where he found himself spending most of his time.
When he opened the door he went straight to his reading table and picked up his latest manga 'Kuroshitsuji' or 'Black Butler' as it was sometimes called. Ulquiorra was reading about this new phenomenon while debating whether a demon would find the soul of a hollow tempting enough to eat. This in turn lead to the question: do hollows have souls? The most obvious answer was no, they don't, but it was questionable. 'I mean, the lowly hollows of Gillian and lower obviously do not,' he thought. 'But surly once a being starts to think and feel again, like a Vasto Lorde, that would mean that they possess a soul wouldn't it?'
Unbeknownst to him, he was being watched, a pair of eyes were staring at the back of his head from behind a bookshelf.
Deciding he needed to know more details on how to form a contract he turned his attention back to the manga in his hands. 'A dress? Well I did not know that members of the British Aristocracy were cross-dressers, I wonder if…' He froze. He had just heard something, it was small, a sort of muffled giggle, any lesser being wouldn't have noticed it, but not Ulquiorra; he had the ears of a bat. However there was no noise anymore, but there had been something, he looked down at the book again and turned the page, though he was only pretending to read, in reality his attention was diverted to listening for any sound. There was nothing, not a breath, not a whisper. Ulquiorra's face was as impassive as ever as his eyes skimmed the pages in front of him but his every sense was tuned in to the world around him. There was still nothing, but there was definitely a noise before, what was it, a rat? He doubted it, although there were small animals in Hueco Mundo, they were scavenges that fed off the Reiatsu in the air and fled at the sight of a superior being, the only animals that were unlucky enough to find themselves in Las Noches, surrounded by the most powerful hollows in the world were the wild big cats that Grimmjow kept a 'secret' in his room and the dog that used to follow Yammy around.
Ulquiorra had just decided to carry on reading, but to make sure he had his sword handy, when heard a noise again. There was no mistaking it that time, he had definitely, without a doubt heard a sound somewhere in front of him!
He peered over the top of his book.
He starred at the thing.
The thing starred back.
He blinked slowly.
The thing's face split into a huge grin.
Ulquiorra did not change his expression.
The thing laughed. "Ha ha! I've found a new friend to play with, my name's Yachiru, what's yours?"
"Ulquiorra Schiffer."
"Really?" the little girl starred at him in awe. "You're the one who fought Ichi!"
He blinked blankly; Ichi? Assuming that the thing meant Ichigo Kurosaki he answered. "Yes."
Deeming that the thing in front of him was not a hollow, Ulquiorra wondered what to do with it, should he kill it? Should he not? Did it have a purpose in this place? Did it have accomplices? It probably did and in that case he should find and arrest them also.
"…the bubbly, bubbly thing. Did you ever see her do the bubbly, bubbly thing? I didn't, 'cause…"
"Thing," Ulquiorra interrupted.
"Who me?"
"Yes you, what are you and why are you here?"
"Ok," she huffed slightly annoyed. "First off I'm not a thing; I already told you, my name is Yachiru. I'm a Soul Reaper and I came here to do one thing."
A Soul Reaper! Ulquiorra tensed, his hand hovering over his sword hilt, ready to jump up and draw it at a moment's notice. "And what is that?"
The girl looked at him seriously. "I came to have fun!" she laughed. Then looked at the man again. "You know what Ulqui..."
"Ulquiorra."
"…you need to smile a bit more, you look like Byakushki, hey! Do you have any sweeties?"
"No."
"Awww." The girl looked a bit down hearted for a second but returned to her usual buoyant self a moment later. "Why don't we play a game? I love games, let's see there's tag, football, hide and seek…"
While she was listing the fun activities they could do Ulquiorra was thinking of what to do. His cold, logical, calculating brain came up with the best solution in seconds: he should take her to see Aizen-sama! He would know what to do.
"…hockey, volleyball, tennis, po…what you doin' Ulqui?" the tiny Soul Reaper asked as Ulquiorra rose from his chair.
"My name is Ulquiorra and I am taking you to Lord Aizen."
Contrary to what he was expecting, the child's face lit up into a look of joy. "Yay! I haven't seen glasses-chan in ages! But he broke his glasses, so he's not Glasses-chan anymore." She concluded moodily as if Aizen's change of fashion style had been the biggest betrayal of all.
Looking up she found Ulquiorra was standing there, staring stoically down, waiting for her to follow him.
"Wow, you're better at that than Byakushki."
"Better at what?"
"Better at looking like you don't feel anything." She started to follow the Espada out the door and down the corridor.
"I don't."
"You don't? Not a thing?"
"No."
"Not happy, or cheerful, or…smillie?"
"They are all the same thing and besides 'smilie' is not a real word."
"Of course it is, it…"
This carried on until they arrived at Sousuke Aizen's room.
Sensing the powerful presence of the former Captain, Yachiru stopped talking and looked at the door with a look of determination on her face.
Seeing this, Ulquiorra knocked smartly on the door three times.
"What is it?" came a muffled voice.
"Aizen-sama, I…"
"Ulquiorra! Is that you?"
"Yes, it is me. I came to ask you what…"
The door in front of them flew open to reveal a man that was hardly recognisable. Something had taken a terrible toll on Sousuke Aizen. His face was pale and wan, his hair was long and greasy and he currently had a duvet cover clutched around his obviously thin body. However, despite his terrible appearance, he had a look of pure joy on his face.
"Ulquiorra," he practically cried. "Come in, talk to me; I haven't seen you in ages! Ever since…well never mind that now, you're here, that's all that matt…oh." His smile faded slightly when he saw that the Espada was not alone. "What are you doing here Lieutenant Kusajishi?"
11.11.11
"Hey Nnoitra!"
Glancing at the door, Nnoitra Gilga grimaced in disgust.
"The fuck do you want Jaegerjaquez?"
The blue haired man ignored the obvious threat in the growled question and swaggered into the kitchen, momentarily distracted by Harribel's latest culinary masterpiece. The blue soup had long since been thrown at Stark's face in annoyance, so now she was trying to make an omelette for the hungry Lilynette while the aforementioned Stark was brushing his teeth repeatedly and using copious amounts of mouthwash to get rid of the taste of Nnoitra's shoe.
"What is that?" he asked dubiously.
Tier didn't look up from the frying pan. "It's omelette obviously."
"Yeah, but…is it supposed to be green?"
He then quickly changed the subject when the woman glared at him, for some reason only being able to see her eyes made her look more angry than any normal person would be able to look with their whole face uncovered. "Anyway, I think I know where Nnoitra's been…"
"HUM!"
Everyone in the kitchen turned towards the door where a grumpy looking Baraggan was pushing his way past a very murderous looking Szayel-Aporro.
It was obvious that the former was the one who had made the angry sounding noise. He swaggered into the room and sat heavily in his chair at the head of the table. "Someone make me my dinner…someone other than that woman." He added as an afterthought.
Although no one could see her face, everyone knew Harribel was seething as she slid the dubious looking omelette onto a plate with deathly calm, handed it to Lilynette and sat down at the table where she glared at the worried girl, until said girl took a bite. Holding back a shudder the younger half of the prima Espada forced herself to smile, this seemed to satisfy Harribel who looked away, giving Lilynette an opportunity to scrape the omelette into the bin Szayel was handing to her under the table.
After a minute of no movement Baraggan became angry again. "Well? Who's making my dinner?"
"You don't like my cooking." said Harribel.
"You think my food's too spicy." said Nnoitra.
"I don't cook." sighed Szayel.
"Aizen banned me from going anywhere near open flames after what happened last time." reminded Grimmjow.
"And I've lost my appetite for all things that go in my mouth." groaned Starrk, who had just slouched into the kitchen.
Looking around Baraggan frowned. "Then who usually cooks my meals?"
Tier sighed, "Ulquiorra, he's the only one who doesn't complain when you hand your meals back ten or twenty times."
"Oh, well then…where is he?"
"Who knows."
Shaking himself, Grimmjow remembered why he was there. "So…I know where Nnoitra disappears to every day."
This grabbed everyone's attention as they all turned to look at the Sixth Espada expectantly while Nnoitra snorted, "No you don't!"
"Yeah I do," insisted Grimmjow. "You go to the Soul Society don't you?"
There was a loud crash as Nnoitra fell off his chair. "What! H-h-how do you know?"
"Why would he do that?" asked Lilynette excitedly.
"Because," sniggered Grimmjow. "He's got a secret lover!"
The whole table gasped as they starred at the Fifth who just spluttered and gapped for a while before turning bright red.
"Oh my God he's telling the truth." said an amazed and slightly horrified Szayel-Aporro.
"A Soul Reaper?" asked Starrk. "Our mortal enemies? Our most hated of foes?"
"Yeah, but, it's not like that…" the poor man tried to protest.
Baraggan gasped, "So it's true!"
Looking around desperately, all Nnoitra could see were shocked faces and accusatory glares. It was too much for him, "Oh all right. It's true…it's all true…I'm in love with a Soul Reaper!" He burst into tears and ran out of the room.
So distraught was the lanky Espada, that he didn't notice the four Shinigami who had been listening to the conversation from outside the door.
As they watched his back, disappearing down the corridor, the four comrades turned to look at each other in amazement.
"Well, I never expected a confession that quickly." admitted a shocked Ikkaku.
"The poor man looked so distraught." cried Rangiku.
"It must be hard for them," agreed Yumichika. "Not being able to let the world know of their love, not only for fear of being outcast for their homosexuality but also out of the fear of being persecuted for their love between species!"
"Yeah," Renji shook his head. "That's just wrong man, it's just…wrong."
"Oh, I wish we could help them." moaned the Lieutenant of Squad Ten.
Yumichika's face lit up suddenly. "Maybe we can Rangiku…maybe we can."
11.11.11
"And then Ken-chan said 'No, no sweeties today, we gotta' get back so I can fight some Zanpakuto' and so we left the shop and went back to Seireitei and he said that we'd go back afterwards, but we didn't!" The little pink haired pouted and glared at the floor as if it had been the one who had refused to buy her sweets.
Ulquiorra found this quite interesting as there was nothing he could see offensive on the floor. 'Perhaps the child can see something there that I cannot.' He pondered.
"So Ulquiorra, how have you been, what has the favourite of all my dear children been up to?" asked Aizen who hadn't taken his eyes off the man since their reunion.
Looking up Ulquiorra nodded and proceeded to give a report on all the goings on of Hueco Mundo, after five minutes of Ulquiorra saying that basically nothing had happened, Yachiru became bored.
Deciding that Aizen's bed looked springy, she hopped of the sofa which she was sharing with the Espada and launched herself onto the matress. As soon as she did this, Aizen who had been sitting on the bed, went to sit next to his Fourth Espada instead.
She had been right, the mattress was indeed springy. Giggling, she started bouncing up and down. Her imagination took over and all of a sudden she was on the moon with Ken-chan, baldy and feather face and they were fighting off attacking aliens. But an alien sliced a hole into baldy's space suit and his head grew to three times its size before it exploded. Laughing at the image Yachiru rolled around on her back clutching at her sides.
Ulquiorra was once again starring at her, he just didn't understand what she was laughing about, having no emotions he did not understand why people laughed but he had learnt the basics of what was classed as 'funny'. However the miniature Shinigami was laughing for no reason that Ulquiorra could see, it was a complete mystery to him.
Frowning slightly at his Espada's lack of interest for him and slightly jealous of the way he kept on staring at the pink haired child, Aizen tried to gain Ulquiorra's attention once more. "So why exactly are you here Lieutenant? I've not gone mad you know; I know that we are enemies. If you don't give me a reasonable explanation for your presence in my domain I will torture and kill you."
The child looked at him. "Well isn't it obvious? I'm here 'cause I was bored silly." She shook her head, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Well luckily for you I shall make it so that you are never board again…Ulquiorra, kill her!"
"Yes Aizen-sama." He rose from his seat but Aizen quickly added.
"Oh and Ulquiorra? Once you have killed her, come back and we can talk some more," he winked suggestively. "Only if you want to of course, I mean I want to, but I want you to want it as much as I do. What I mean is…you are under no pressure, whenever you're ready, I'll be waiting for you."
The Espada blinked slowly 'What on earth is Aizen-sama talking about, why would I feel not ready to talk? I can talk.' The man shook his head in confusion as he pursued the running, giggling child through the corridors. 'He has been acting strangely ever since I told him that I would prefer a female companion than a male one. I have no idea why he suddenly burst into tears and locked himself in his room. I mean it is completely logical to want to go on a mission with a woman; they tend to think more and they are mostly rational, so they are usually able to follow orders. Whereas all males ever want to do is fight and swear intelligibly. His reaction just does not make sense to me. Emotions are confusing and they obviously make even the most rational and brilliant of minds completely illogical at times.
Yachiru was having fun running from the green eyed Espada, she had been growing tired of the bed anyway as the only fun thing you could ever do with a bed was bounce on it and she had done that. So the new game she was playing was much more entertaining; the young man was fast, faster than she had expected and it was hard work outrunning him, but that made it more enjoyable, as Ken-chan always said 'A fight is always more fun when it looks like you have a chance of losing.'
The small Soul Reaper was having such a good time; she almost didn't sense her fellow intruders about to turn into the corridor she was running down. Gasping, she quickly darted around a corner into another passage to avoid them, her eyes widened as she realised that they were on their way back home; if she didn't beat them to the Garganta, they would close it and she would be stuck in Hueco Mundo forever…without Ken-chan!
That was not an option and she sprinted with all her speed to the gate where she skidded to a stop. Panting, she was about to walk through when Ulquiorra appeared behind her.
"Wow, I didn't expect you to catch up so fast!"
He stared at her blankly. "I must admit your speed surprised me a little, but there is no way I would fail to kill you, as Lord Aizen commanded it."
Frowning slightly the Shinigami gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry Ulqui…"
"Ulquiorra." The Espada corrected for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.
"…but I can't play with you anymore; I have to go home now, the others don't know I'm here, so they'd close the gate and leave me behind if I didn't get back before them." Her face suddenly lit up. "I know! I know! You can come with me; you're fun and I like you, come on let's go!"
Ulquiorra gave her a blank look and was about to ask her what she was talking about and why she wasn't trying to run for her life when she surprised him again with her speed and before he knew it, she was sitting on his shoulders, he was further shocked at her strength as she knocked him over the head with the hilt of her sword, this was of course before he lost consciousness.
"OK Ulqui, let's go!" smiled Yachiru. She draped Ulquiorra's limp arm around her shoulders and hitched his chest into a more comfortable position on her arm. Then she leapt through the portal and back into Soul Society.
11.11.11
A minute later, the remaining intruders of Hueco Mundo and their over friendly guide arrived outside the Garganta.
"…all live happily ever after. Well, do you all know your parts in the plan?" concluded the narcissist.
The others nodded, all somewhat reluctantly, except Rangiku who was very enthusiastic about the whole thing. "Ohhhh, they're going to be so happy together, I can't wait!" she squeaked.
"You know what to do don't you?" said Yumichika, turning to Grimmjow. "Yours is a vital role, without you none of it will work."
"Yeah, yeah I know; you'll come back soon won't you? I'll be so bored with no one to play with." He pouted as he played with the Fifth Seat's hair.
"Don't worry we'll be back." winked Yumichika.
"Yeah, so try not to miss us too much will ya?" mocked Ikkaku.
"Don't worry," sneered the Espada. "I think I can cope with being away from you."
This snipping between the two men went on for a while and then it took even more time to prise Yumichika away from Grimmjow who was clinging to him like a hungry kitten. So by the time they arrived back in Seireitei, it was close to three in the morning.
"Aw, shit! I've gotta go find my Captain," groaned Renji. "He's taken to going to bars at night with Captain Kyoraku ever since someone," he shot a look at Ikkaku. "Helped him to 'loosen up'. He's decided that he missed out on his teenage years so he has to relive them again and do it right this time."
With that the Red-head dashed to the nearest drinking venue, leaving the other three to leisurely make their separate ways home. They needed their rest after all, as tomorrow; they put their plan into action!
There you have it: Plans have been made,
Mysteries have been uncovered
Ulquiorra has been kidnapped
Only one question remains – What will happen next?
Tune in next time for the next gripping chapter in 'A Hair In The Captain's Bed'.
Dun-dun-duuuunnnnn!