Chapter 6 Hearts In Pain

The pretty one in the whole place.
She was back there where the phones used to be.
The subject of some new disgrace.
Her whole story was so obvious to me.
Would you believe we met on New Year's Eve?
In a chapel of sin she was dancing with me.

You know when a hearts in pain, there's nobody you can blame.
The only light under the doctor's knife is that we're the same.
Hearts in, hearts in, hearts in.

Who's to say the muscle's dead?
I gave it all to her when we got married.
There were things I never said.
But I'm an idiot and marriage isn't scary.
What would you say if I told you so true,
that I love her more now that the marriage is through?

You know when a heart's in pain, there's nobody you can blame.
The only light under the doctor's knife is that we're the same.
Hearts in, hearts in, hearts in.

There's nothing I could say, to make this go away.
The battles you fight in the war of your life are hard to explain.
Hearts in, hearts in, hearts in.

You know when a heart's pain, there's nobody you can blame.
They only light under the doctor's knife is that we're the same.
Hearts in, hearts in, hearts in.
There's nothing that I could say to make this go away.
The battles you fight in the war of your life will always remain.
Hearts in, hearts in, hearts in.
Pain.

Bum bum, bum bum…
Bum bum Bum, Bum bum Bum…

Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers

Lucas was sitting at his desk writing when he heard the door close as Nathan entered the house. "Yo little bro, come back to get your stuff?" Lucas hollered. Receiving no reply he curiously got up and moved to the living room of the house. He wasn't prepared for the sight that unfolded before his eyes. Nathan was sitting in the chair with his head in his hands. Looking closer Lucas realized his clothes were soaked. If he didn't know any better, he would swear that he could see Nathan's shoulders trembling to accompany the deep sobs he thought he had heard. "Nathan? What's wrong man? Why are your clothes wet? What happened?"

Nathan doing his best to regain his composure was fighting to talk so he could answer his older brother. He just couldn't get the words to come. Shaking his head, he continued sobbing.

Lucas put his hand on his younger brother's shoulder and squeezed trying to offer him what comfort he could. After several minutes Nathan's sobs finally calmed down. "I've lost her Lucas. I'll never get her back now" he mumbled as fresh tears tracked down his face.

"Wait. What do you mean you've lost her Nathan?"

"While we were talking tonight Jamie came downstairs. I told him to go out on the patio and shoot around so Haley and I could finish our conversation. While he was playing the ball got away from him and rolled into the pool. Haley and I happened to do a visual making sure where he was and saw him in the pool. His arms were thrashing and he was fighting to keep his head above water…"

"Oh my GOD! Nathan? Is Jamie ok?"

"Yeah I jumped in and got him. It didn't take long for him to calm down after he caught his breath. My little boy almost drowned tonight Lucas. We almost lost our son." Nathan sobbed uncontrollably. "How in the hell will Haley ever forgive me for that after losing the baby? I've lost my family Lucas! What am I going to do?"

"Nathan, Haley will calm down. I'm sure she was just scared."

"Lucas you didn't see the way she looked at me when she told me to leave man. I'm not sure if she'll ever let me come home."

"You told her what happened with that stupid Nanny though right?"

"Yeah I did and I think I was making progress until Jamie fell in the pool. Lucas I don't know how to fix this. I'm sure Haley's mind is reminding her of the image she saw no matter what her heart is telling her."

"Give her time man. She'll realize it Nate. Hales knows you love her man"

"Lucas I don't know how to help her past this. Can you imagine how she felt at nearly losing Jamie? She's had longer to process the miscarriage than I have and it's nearly killing me. We could have lost our child tonight. How in the hell do I help Haley with that?"

"I don't know Nathan. I just don't know. She doesn't blame you do she?"

"I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have gone over there when Jamie was home. Maybe I should have just waited or even not waited and gone while he was at school. It's Friday night man, it's been twenty four hours and unless something drastically changes I've lost everything, my wife, our second child and nearly our first."

Lucas didn't know what to say. He knew Nathan was hurting. He knew he felt helpless and there was nothing he could possibly say that would make it any better. Only Haley had that power.

…..

The following morning as Nathan made his way up to the door in the kitchen he took a deep breath and said a silent prayer. Finally he had calmed himself and rang the door bell. He felt like he was as prepared as he would ever be, until she opened the door. The sight of his wife broke his heart. Her face was drawn and her beautiful doe eyes were sunken in. There were dark circles around her eyes and they were so puffy and red from crying. After regrouping Nathan finally managed a breathless "Hi"

"Hi" she replied as she stepped to the side to allow him room to come in.

"How's Jamie?"

Haley bit her bottom lip as her eyes looked up to search her husbands eyes. "He's ok. He ate breakfast and he's playing video games if you want to see him. I'm sorry I wouldn't let you take him from me last night. I know you were as scared as I was"

Nathan reached for Haley to pull her into his arms. She finally gave him just a small glimmer of hope and walked into his embrace quietly sobbing against his chest as the horrible images replayed through her mind.

Nathan relished holding her in his arms. He really didn't expect that this morning. It gave him a little bit of peace. He knew she was hurting and he knew that he hadn't been there when that happened before but thank god they weren't regressing on that. They had moved past that. Jamie's near tragedy might have brought back the pain but it hadn't brought back the blame that they both had placed at some point in the last several months.

Nathan smoothed her hair as he laid his head against the side of his wife's. "It's going to be ok baby. He's ok. We're going to be ok" he whispered.

….

Later that afternoon, Nathan was sitting on Jamie's bed with him trying to get him to take a nap. Haley was downstairs washing clothes and dishes from lunch, of which she had not eaten. Nathan was brought out of his thoughts as his son asked him a question.

"Will you be here in the morning Daddy?"

Nathan tightened his arm around his son "No buddy I'm afraid not" he sighed.

"Why? Mommy won't let you stay?"

"No Jamie it's not Mommy buddy. Listen to me your Mom is the best Mom in the world ok? Don't ever forget that."

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you miss Nanny Carrie?"

"What?"

"You started being happy again when Nanny Carrie came to live with us. Now she's gone and you're sad again."

"Jamie my happiness has nothing to do with Nanny Carrie and everything to do with your Mom, buddy"

"So come home Daddy so you won't be sad anymore and so Mommy won't cry all night"

Nathan felt his breath being taken away. 'Haley had cried all night' He leaned over and kissed his son's head. "You get some sleep ok?"

"Ok" Jamie said.

Nathan made his way down to the kitchen. He had no idea that Haley had been putting clothes away upstairs during his conversation with Jamie and had overheard everything that was said. He moved to the bar in the kitchen and sat down. After several minutes of trying to decide what he wanted to say he finally found the strength.

"Haley? I love you. I want to come home"

Haley stopped and looked at Nathan and it was then that he saw that she had recently been crying. "Baby? What's wrong? Where's your head Hales?"

Haley shook her head as Nathan got up to go over to her. She put her hands down at her sides and drew up in an effort to push him away but Nathan wasn't buying it. He knew she needed him as much as he needed her right now. He wouldn't let that glimmer of hope dwindle. He walked over to her and leaned his forehead against hers after placing his hand on the back of her neck to try to keep her backing away from him. "Hales, if you need time then I'll give you time. I just need to know that you aren't pushing me away because of Carrie"

Haley drew in a shaky breath. "No I know you didn't cheat with Carrie, Nathan. I believe you. I blame myself for hiring her. I had my own reservations about it when I did. You were honest with me and you were honest with Lucas before the shower thing happened. I just…." she started to cry unable to stop the tears from spilling once again. "I just hurt so badly. It hurts so badly. We could have lost him last night" she broke down.

Nathan pulled her to him. He knew that this was not going to go away quickly. He had no idea what to do.

Later that night as Nathan prepared to leave he turned to Haley. "I'm going to go back to Luke's baby. I hate leaving you like this Haley. Have you even eaten anything today?"

"This morning" she said, though it wasn't true. She couldn't eat.

Nathan sighed. He didn't think she had ever looked as broken to him as she did right now. Her skin was pale, her eyes dull and her body exhausted was her obvious state.

"Please Haley; you have to take care of yourself. I hate leaving you like this."

Haley nodded and shy smiled before saying "I'll be fine"

Nathan leaned to her and kissed her forehead and turned to leave.

……..

Sunday basically went the same way. Nathan went to spend time with Haley and Jamie and then back to Lucas at night, both of them needing each other and unable to relent to the comfort each could provide to the other.

………

Monday came and Nathan went to get Jamie and take him to school. Haley had an early morning Parent Teacher Conference with Quentin's Mom. They had come to an agreement to enable Quentin back on the team and Haley to tutor him.

After school, Haley went to the gym to give Quentin the worksheets that she had gathered from his other teachers and the homework that she had assigned him. As she walked in and spotted him she moved towards her student. Just before she got to him she began to get dizzy and the gym turned black.

Nathan was coming up to gym. His mind on talking to Luke and telling this Fields kid that he better not ever touch his wife again. Lucas had told Nathan that Haley had agreed to tutor Quentin to help him catch up in his classes. Neither Nathan nor Lucas was happy about the situation to say the least. As Nathan had almost reached the door he saw her. Haley was making her way into the gym right ahead of him. As he rounded the bleachers the world seemed to stop spinning. He saw her small frame slowly crumpling to the floor.

Quentin had seen the distant look in Haley's eyes just before she began to collapse. He acted on instinct and took two steps towards her catching her on her way down. He turned to get Lucas' attention "Coach" he shouted. By the time he had her laid down beside him on the floor, Nathan had reached them.

"Hales? Baby? Come on Hales, wake up" Nathan turned to Skills. "Call an ambulance" His voice was breaking before he finished and his eyes were filling with tears. "God call an ambulance"

"Is Ms. J S going to be ok?" Quentin quietly said.

"I don't know" Nathan whispered.

Skills came back from the coach's office and walked up to Nathan and squeezed his shoulder. "They're on their way man"

Nathan nodded as he closed his eyes. Just as he opened them he saw Haley's eyes slowly fluttering open. "Hales? Baby? Can you hear me?"

"Yeah" she whispered. "What happened?"

"You collapsed Haley. Are you ok?" Lucas asked after realizing that Nathan was so choked up with emotion he couldn't answer her.

"I think so" Haley began to sit up and Nathan grabbed her arm to help her. When she saw the look of concern and fear on his face she stopped and her eyes searched his. "I'm fine"

"Well the paramedics will be here in just a few minutes Haley" Skills told her.

"For what?" Haley asked. "I'm not going anywhere in any ambulance"

"Hales, you're going to the hospital" Nathan said immediately earning a look from Haley he wasn't sure he wanted to see.

The paramedics arrived and loaded Haley into the ambulance. Nathan Lucas and Skills followed behind them in the Range Rover. Lucas called Lindsay at the house so that she would know what had happened and asked her to call Brooke to pick Jamie up from school.

……..

Lucas, Lindsay and Skills had been waiting with Nathan for over an hour. They sat there in utter silence each trying to figure out what had caused Haley to faint like that. Suddenly Lindsay's head popped up and she looked at Lucas. "Oh my god!" she said placing her hand over her mouth.

Everyone turned to look at Lindsay. "Could she be… Do you think she's…pregnant?"

Nathan's head popped up from looking down at the floor. 'Dear god he hadn't even thought of that.' The panic began to rise in his throat. 'What if she's having another miscarriage? No he wouldn't think like that. She had to be ok. If she was pregnant they both had to be ok.'

"Haley Scott" the Dr. called.

Nathan was up on his feet and over to the Dr. in seconds. "I'm her husband. Is she alright? Can I see her?"

"Mr. Scott, have you noticed your wife's depression levels increasing lately?"

Nathan nodded. "Her blood sugar is extremely low. Why don't you come with me? You might be able to help her answer some questions.

As Nathan and the Dr walked into the curtained section that Haley was in her head turned at the sound of them. Her eyes met Nathan's and a slight frown crossed her face. "I'm sorry" she said.

"What are you sorry for Haley? You can't help it that you fainted. I just want you to be ok baby. I promise" He kissed her forehead as the Dr. began the questions, only standing up straight when the Dr reached on she couldn't answer.

"Haley when's the last time that you ate anything?"

As Haley pondered that question she stopped. "I can't remember" she said quietly. "I honestly can't remember."

Nathan stood there in shock. He knew she probably hadn't been eating right or sleeping well that was just Haley's nature. It had never occurred to him that she hadn't been doing either at all. "Hales?" he questioned.

"Haley you fainted because your had a quick decrease in your blood sugar. That usually comes from not eating for a few days. All of your other blood work was fine. I even did a pregnancy test and it was negative."

'How could I have been so stupid?' Haley thought. She had spent so much time with Jamie that she had nothing else on her mind. When Jamie had fell into the pool she had the horror of living with all of the what if's every minute since then. All of the pain of losing the baby was brought to the surface. The overwhelming sadness a parent feels when they lose a child was engulfing her all weekend.

Haley put her hand up to her mouth. "Oh god. Oh my god what have I done?" she said as she started to cry. Nathan put his arms around her and pulled her to his chest.

…

Nathan had taken Haley home and carried her upstairs. She had fallen asleep within minutes after she lay down on their bed. He sat there for several minutes watching her as it hit him how serious the situation really was. He'd known she was upset. He'd known that the pain of the miscarriage had been brought fully back to the surface but he had not known how deeply it had affected her. They had no choice. They had to go see someone to help them past this. They were both hurting and they needed to work through it.

Nathan moved downstairs and began to cook dinner. If Haley Scott thought he'd let her get away with not eating another meal she was sadly mistaken. He couldn't lose her. Today in the hospital it had been déjà vu of the accident that nearly had taken her and Jamie away from him in High School. He never wanted to feel that again. His heart couldn't bare that pain. He needed Haley like he needed air.

He placed the grilled chicken salad on a plate and then put the plate on a tray with some water and a bottle of vitamins. Once he had the tray presentable, he moved to carry it upstairs. As he walked through their door, he saw her sitting up in bed with her back against the pillows to prop her up.

"Hey you"

"Hi" she whispered sleepily. "What's that?"

"Dinner, of which I am going to force feed you if you don't eat." Nathan smiled. "Hales? I want to come home. I'm coming home. I can't leave you here like this. I should have never let you push me away to start with. I can sleep in the guest room if you want or on the couch but I'm not leaving you like this. Please don't ask me to."

Haley nodded. "You can sleep in here. Just please understand I can't promise you anything."

"Baby I don't need for you to promise me anything. I need to be here so I can take care of you and Jamie."

"Nathan I'm a big girl I can take care of myself"

"Are you kidding me Haley?"

Haley knew it was pointless to argue. He was right. Just as she was about to say something else, Nathan stopped her.

"I want us to go see somebody Haley. I want us to find a therapist. This isn't healthy. This isn't getting us anywhere."

Haley nodded as she began to try to eat. She stopped as she started to get nauseated.

"Easy, Hales. Don't push it too fast. Just slow, small bites ok?"

She nodded again. "I love you"

"Why haven't you been eating Haley?"

"I just…. I just feel so lost. I feel so empty and I…" she broke down.

Nathan squeezed her hand. "We're going to get through this, I promise. It's going to be ok. I love you too, you'll never understand how much. Always and Forever baby."