Chapter 7

Broken

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin on)(I'm holdin on)
(I'm still holdin on) (I'm holdin on)
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain (In the pain)
There is healing
In your name (In your name)
I find meaning
So I'm holding on (I'm still holdin')(I'm holdin' on)(I'm still holdin') (I'm holdin' on) (I'm still holdin')
Barely holding on to you (I'm still holdin on)
Barely holdin on to you

Lifehouse

Nathan and Haley had been going to therapy for four weeks. They had worked through a lot of issues that the both had. The loss of the baby and each one's self blame they had placed, the depression that Nathan had fought after the accident and the depression they were both fighting now were all among the topics of the last four weeks. Haley had cried so many times that it was to the point Nathan dreaded the therapy sessions now. He hated to see her cry. He always had and probably always would. As they rode in the Range Rover on their way to this week's session, he turned to glance at Haley who was staring out of the window.

He grabbed her hand in his and squeezed it. "Are you ok?"

She turned and smiled shy at him. "Yeah" she whispered. "In time I guess."

"Hales, I hate it that this is hurting you. You've got to stop blaming yourself for losing the baby."

"What about you Nathan? You blame yourself for me falling and you not being there. I'm a born klutz. We both know that. I was rushing and tripped over my own two feet"

Nathan pulled the SUV over to the shoulder of the road. "Listen to me" he said as he placed his finger under her chin to coax her into looking at him. "I love you Haley. I love everything about you. You're not a klutz. You're beautiful and elegant and full of grace. My life is nothing without you and Jamie. Do you hear me? I need you Haley. I want you and only you and I always will."

Nathan leaned his forehead over to place it on hers. "Please stop doing this to yourself. Please do that for me. I can handle you blaming me but I can't handle you tearing yourself down like this over and over."

Haley choked back the sob that she had been trying to hold in her throat. "I just feel so empty." Nathan held her in his arms and rocked her gently side to side. When he finally got her calmed down he placed a kiss on the side of her head just before the crown. "I'm here baby. If you need me I'm right here"

"I do need you Nathan. I always will" she whispered just before his lips claimed hers. Before either knew what was happening they were making out like teenagers on the side of the road.

Pulling back for air Nathan's forehead returned to rest against hers. "You have no idea how good it is to hear you say that Hales."

…………..

They had been in the therapist's office for twenty minutes of their hour long session when the therapist asked them about their careers.

"Nathan you never describe yourself as a basketball player. What about that?"

"That's because I'm not anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because it's hard to play when you've crushed your spine. I'm sorry, how is this helping?"

"I want to get to the real reason you were depressed during the months following your accident. From what I can see you are totally in love with your wife, yet you describe it as you pushed her away in those months. Why would you do that?"

"I don't know. I guess I felt like I had let her down. I wanted to be great in Haley's eyes and I had fallen short again. Maybe not as bad as the a few times in the past, but bad enough and it just got to me. I felt like I had ruined her life."

"Haley, how did you feel about being pushed away?"

"I knew Nathan was hurting. He was crushed. His dreams had all shattered at his feet. I tried to be understanding but honestly it hurt. I felt like he lived more for basketball than anything and I wasn't important."

"How can you think you weren't important? Haley, it wasn't about basketball. I swear! It was about not being what you wanted me to be."

"All I want you to be is a husband in love with me" she whispered. "I can live with anything as long as you're that"

Nathan stopped and looked at his wife as the tears welled in her eyes.

"You'll never have to worry about me not being that, Hales. I'm hopeless in that category"

"Haley, what about you? You never refer to yourself as a musician"

"Yeah well I haven't recorded in a really long time."

"Why not?"

"I gave that up. I left the tour and came home in high school. I made a decision to put my family first and I have."

"Nathan how do you feel about that?"

"It's my fault. She gave up her dream because of me, because I let her. I accepted it. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. She was really good. She could have gone all of the way if I hadn't come along."

"Nathan"

"No Hales. It's true. You'd be living the life of a rock star right now if we hadn't gotten married."

"Listen to me Nathan. Now you're going to listen to what I have to say. I didn't come home because we HAD gotten married. I came home because I wanted to stay that way. I want stability. I did enjoy the tour. I can't lie but I would have never had courage to do that if it wasn't for you. So stop thinking that. I wouldn't be half of what I am right now without you."

They each stared into each other's eyes.

"I've never seen two people more in love than you to. Both of you are beating yourselves up for what could have been because of how it affects the other. But, at some point each of you are going to have to let it go. Nathan? Have the doctors told you couldn't play basketball ever again, definitively?"

"There's no such thing as definitively but no one's ever come back from something like this."

"But your Nathan Scott! If it won't damage your back to play maybe you could begin practicing. I believe both of your problems are self worth. Each of you has got to stop believing you don't measure up to the other's expectations and just be yourselves and love each other. Now let's end this session as we have every week. Nathan, tell me some things you love about Haley."

"I love that she hasn't given up on us and I love the way she loves me and Jamie. She's everything I ever dreamed of and more. AND I love that we have the rest of our lives to be together almost as much as I love every single day we've already had."

"Haley? What about you? Tell me some things that you love about Nathan."

"I love that he's here with me every week without fail, despite the fact that his past experience with this type of thing wasn't good and I love that he's so protective over me and Jamie and that he's so tender and caring with my feelings. AND I love that shirt and the way he wears it. But most of all I love that no matter what Nathan reassures me that I am enough. I worried the night that the psycho thing blew up that I would never be enough and he would never want me again. I had myself convinced that he didn't want me or couldn't want me. As always, Nathan came through and made me feel loved and needed the very next day even though I threw him out when I needed him most."

"Haley like I told you in the car. I'll never want anyone but you. I haven't since I was sixteen. I know the road we chose wasn't the easiest but it was what I wanted then and it is what I want now and it will be what I want on my dying day. As far as Carrie goes, that was not my doing. I never wanted her. I never liked her and I will beat her within an inch of her life if she ever comes near us again. The bitch is trouble with a capital T and the sad part is she's that on top of being delusional. I've never waivered in my love for you and I never will."

Haley's eyes filled with tears. "I love you Nathan Scott" she whispered.

"I love you too" he said as he intertwined their fingers and stood up to leave, pulling her up from the couch with him.

"You two are going to be ok" the therapist said. Nathan and Haley both smiled at the red headed lady. She had given each one something they desperately needed.

……..

Nathan stood at the door way of the master bedroom as Haley straightened out the bed covers from this morning.

"Quiet around here without Jamie"

"Yeah, he's with Brooke. Baby steps…"

"Haley, I didn't say it in the session today but sometimes I find your goodness staggering. Your kindness is overwhelming. You saved my life. Just in case I haven't said it lately, you're also sexy as hell." He smiled and turned to move out of the room.

"Hey um, I was thinking, um not sleeping in the bed tonight? Might not be so bad if you wanted to try to um…."

Nathan stared at her almost in disbelief. It had been weeks since he had touched her. He had nearly gone out of his mind not touching her but he knew that she needed time. He totally understood that. Suddenly his conscious spoke 'Fool, what you are waiting for?' Nathan walked fast to his wife and took her face in his hands, kissing her passionately.

He laid her back on the bed and returned his lips to hers. When they pulled back gasping for air Nathan pulled his shirt off and then moved his hands to the buttons of hers. As he undid the top button Haley saw that his blue eyes were darkened with desire. "You got anymore of that sexy talk?"

"What the kindness stuff or the sexy stuff?" Nathan smirked while undoing the next button.

"Sexy…"

"You have a serious ass Haley James."

Haley giggled and it was music to Nathan's ears. He reclaimed her already kiss swollen lips again as he ran his hand up and down her side. Still unbuttoning her shirt until he got it open, he moved to place open mouthed kisses along her pulse point, relishing in the moans that escaped her lips. When the shirt was parted and her bra covered breasts were in view it was Nathan's turn to moan. He allowed his desire to take him over and moved his open mouth to cover the fabric over her nipples for just a few minutes before running open mouth kisses over the cleavage that spilled from the top.

Moving his hand down he smiled against her lips at the moan he received as he cupped her mound in his hand. "I love you" he whispered as he moved his hand to the button of her jeans and undid it. Glancing down he saw that Haley's hand was doing the same to his and the passion soared through his veins, sending his lips back to hers to devour her totally just after she whispered back "I love you too. So much"

He felt Haley pushing his jeans down and moved back to get off of the bed and removed his jeans first and then moved to take hers off too. He reached back to hook his thumbs in her panties and they quickly followed down her legs. After removing his boxers, he climbed back on the bed beside her. His erection at full attention demanding his need to be met, he reached behind Haley and undid her bra and pulled it off, groaning even louder as he saw her legs parting for him. He moved between them and thrust deeply inside. "Oh God, Hales" he sighed heavily. "Damn baby you feel so good"

"So do you" she managed as Nathan pumped faster within her. "Oh Nathan, God Nathan!"

As he felt her release pull her, he changed his rhythm and plunged even deeper knowing his was close behind her. As his body plummeted over the edge he thrust hard and deep adding to her climax as he pulsed within her.

'Please God let this take' he thought. He wanted another baby. He wanted that chance they had lost again.

…………….

Later that night they were in the living room. Haley was playing the piano for the first time in months. Nathan was lying on the coach throwing the basketball in the air and catching it. Both were thinking about what the therapist said that day.

As Nathan looked over at Haley and smiled. "Hales?"

"Yeah?"

"I know that I'll probably never play professionally but what do you think about me training and getting back in shape and maybe coaching?"

"I think that's a great idea" she smiled.

"I'm thinking maybe Lucas needs some help. What do you think?"

"Lucas needs all of the help he can get" she laughed.

"Hales, I don't like you tutoring that Fields kid. I know he helped you when you fainted a few weeks ago but I haven't forgotten what he did."

"Nathan, you have nothing to worry about with Quentin. I promise."

"Are you kidding me Haley? He tried to touch you"

"Nathan, please don't worry. He's been totally different the two times I tutored him. I don't think anyone has ever given the guy a second chance."

"No and I sure as hell won't either. He's not getting a second chance to put his hands on you Haley."

Haley just looked at her husband. She knew Nathan's protective side and she knew he was serious. She'd have to find a way to get around this. Maybe Nathan could visit during tutoring or something.

"What about you Hales?"

"What about me?"

"Music? What do you think? I'd love it if you'd record again"

"I'm actually thinking about writing songs not singing them."

"Hales? You love to sing though."

"Nathan I love being with you and Jamie. Nothing is going to come before that ever."