Declaimer: iown nothing

Song: The Call - Regina Spektor

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never

Been this way before

Chapter 3

Leaving La Push

***(Line)***

I honestly don't know where I or Angela got that crazy idea, but it's worth a shot, a very long shot.

"Just a few more hours until we land, then my cousin will pick us up from the airport and we'll – hey you okay?" Angela asked me, her expression worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that –" I stopped midway, holding back my sob.

Angela gave me a sad look, "I know Bella, but you're doing this for the better, you hear?"

I nodded. "I know, but my mum and dad –"

"Will understand." She softly told me. "You said so yourself. You need a break from everyone else. Especially from them." I winced at what she said. She was talking about them. I really don't want to talk about them anymore. Going to Phoenix for the summer holidays was to forget about them. Not to talk or even remember them.

"I know, I know. I get it. I'll keep quite now." I mutter at her.

She nodded, getting back to her reading. While I used stared at the window, remembering what happened not even two hours ago.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"What? What do you mean?" I all but yelled at Angela. She winced, which made me feel guilty. "Sorry, but what?" I said, softer.

She gently took my hands, rubbing them. "I know how it hurts Bella, I've been through that. Maybe not in your way, but I've still been hurt." She informed me.

"But I don't get why moving away will make it any better." I told her. I didn't like the idea of leave home, even for the summer holidays.

"It will, trust me. That's why I'm left before." Before? I didn't understand her. What did she mean before?

Angela sighed, taking a deep breathe. Then I knew that there was a story, a sad story to Angela's life. "A year ago, my boyfriend of two years left me for some ho. I found him in bed with her, when I shouted at him, I expected him to stop and ask for my forgiveness, but no, he just said to go away and told his ho to keep going on. From the day, everything changed in my life. The life I had was gone, replaced with a new life I made and caused for myself. I couldn't sleep, eat, move or even talk in that life. My parents and friends tried to get me back together, to put my pieces back, to get the real Angela Webber back, but they couldn't, but they gave up on me, knowing that nothing will make me snap from my so called zombie state.

The only time I snapped is when I got into a car crash. I was drunk and lonely, but most of all, I was stupid. Really, really stupid. I didn't think about what I did, who will get hurt and what will happen. At the hospital, after my near death experience made me think that I wasted every last bit of my life crying and whining for Ben. It made me think that, yeah, life is short, so, so, so short to be wasted upon. Looking at you now, it –" She stopped talking and looked at me, examining me. "I don't want you waste your life on them, or on him. You're smart, beautiful and I know for sure you'll have a bright future. I don't want you to get hurt even more. I don't want you to turn into a zombie like me. And I really don't want you to have a near death experience to make you finally snap." She gave me look which made me laugh. "Seeing you on the middle of the road, crying your eyes out, it reminded me of how I used to be. How I was, but now look at me. I'm better and improved. I felt hell before, but now, I'm fine, not perfect, but fine. I want you to feel that way. I want to help you."

"Geez, you make me sound like I have some problem with myself." I said, trying to lighten up the moment, but thinking over at what Angela said. I squeezed her hand, wanting her to know that I understand her, what she went through, and how sorry I was for her. "I'm sorry you had to go through that all by yourself. It means so much to me for you to be here. But I can't run away from this problem."

"It's not running away from a problem Bella, it's trying to find yourself. Two different things." She told me.

"How?" I asked her.

"Running away is going to another place or country to escape the situation. To run away from something you're scared of, something you want to disappear from. Finding yourself is when you move to another place or country to think about the situation and try dealing with the fact that you're hurt, that you're in pain. It's thinking of a way to get you pulled up and ready for whatever may come. It's dealing with the pain, the loss, and everything on top."

What Angela said was true. I need to find myself, learn who and how I was. But going to another country isn't on my list. And being away from mum and dad isn't either. Away from Seth and Leah as well. How much mum and dad try to understand me, they'll never understand how I feel. I may be happy and cheery in the outside, but inside, I must feel like hell. Seth will try to understand me, but he's young, he'll never understand. Knowing Leah, she'll probably hand me a bottle of vodka and say, drink up. How tempting that all sounds, I know what vodka will do and it's not a pretty sight. But either way, they'll never understand. Mum may look at her golden girl in the mornings' for breakfast. Dad may look at his baby girl and ask about some fishing trips. Seth may look at his sister, his idol. Leah may look at her bratty sister. But whenever they look at me, I'll always be Bella. Their Bella. But some part of me will always be gone. Will always be missing. Will always be broken. Will always needing. And that's my best friends. How many times I try to think of the good, I'll always end up thinking of Embry, Jake and Quil, and they'll always be in my head. I may be whole but I will never be full.

Right now, Angela's offer is tempting, more than vodka of course. But still, Phoenix? All the way there? With the sun, the city and the people.

"Look Bella." Angela said, interrupting my decision time. I looked up to her, noticing that her eyes were on me, frowning. "I understand the battle that's going through your head right now - heck that happened to me. But I have less than five hours to finishing packing up. Another hour and half 'til I can get a taxi and drive all the way the airport. I'm not pressuring you, but if you want to leave, my option is still open. So don't hesitate."

I gave Angela a big hug. "Thanks." I whispered to her. "For everything."

I felt her nod on my shoulder. "Everything will be fine." I released her from the hug. "If you want to leave, call me. If not, still call me."

I laughed while nodding. "Thanks again." I told her as I closed her door.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

Driving home was the worst thing to do, at my state of course. I remember all the memories me and Embry, Jake and Quil had in my car. All the talks, jokes and pranks we did.

It hurt.

Every thought, every object, every memory, everything reminded me of them. Everything.

And damn did it hurt. So, so much.

What Angela suggested was tempting me … but, u I don't think I can handle what may come. But again, Angela's right, I need to find myself. I've always needed my best friends with me. I was never independent. I was always weak, always used to having them keeping me safe and sound. I was used to everything that contained them. They made me happy, they made me feel special, they made me feel loved, they made me, me.

But now that they'll gone, it makes me feel scared, that I'll snap any minute now. Like how Angela snapped. How she went through what she went through. How she wasn't herself. How she had gotten close to dying.

Suddenly, images passed through my mind.

Every one of them showed me in Angela's position, in her shoes. I was in the zombie state. I was broken, hurt, tortured, damaged, ruined, destroyed, and pulled apart. I was nothing. I was not Bella, I was someone else. I was just in Bella's shoes. She was replaced by a girl who was not moving, eating, moving or talking. She was just in her room, staring at nothing but a window. Watching the people of her life go through pain that she made for them. She was watching the people who she loves helping her. She was watching them try to heal her, but the pain kept coming back. She was –

"Bella!" I heard someone yell. Their voice full of fright.

"Ah!" I screamed as I turned the steering wheel in time to miss Seth. My car swayed just in front of a tree, almost hitting it. I pushed the brakes and turned the car off. "Oh my God." I whispered to myself. I could've killed Seth. I could've killed my brother. I could've killed him. All because I was thinking of myself. I could've hurt my own brother for being a selfish brat. I could've-

"Bella, are you okay?" Seth nearly yelled, coming to my door. I nodded, still not able to speak. "You should be more careful Bella." He told me. "Here, open the door. You need to go hospital." He opened my door.

I froze, then violently shook my head. "I don't think –" Then a sob broke out of me. I didn't think. I never think. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry Seth. I could've – I – sorry." Tears were running down my face that I couldn't control. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I kept saying in my head.

"Bells." Seth took me in his arms and cradled me to his chest. "Bella, sis, calm down now."

"I'm so sorry. I wasn't looking – I was –"

"I know sis, its fine –"

"It's not!" I suddenly yelled at him. "It's not fine Seth!" The look on Seth's face made me stop from yelling some other things at him. I was making my brother sad. I was a bad sister. I was hurting my own brother. I was a bad person.

"Bell –"

"Just go away Seth! Just leave me alone! I just –" I stopped talking, sobbing again.

"I'm not leaving you alone like this!" He protested.

"Yes you are! I need to be alone Seth!" I argued back.

"To hell with that! I'm not leaving you!" Seth swore. Seth never swears. I looked at my brother's face, knowing there's no fighting it. He's not leaving me.

"Please Seth." I begged him.

"I'm not leaving you!" He said, his tone saying that this conversation was finished.

I took a deep breathe. Seth smiled, knowing he won. He thought wrong. "Fine." I whispered, softly.

"Good, now let's get you to bed." He told me as he carried me to the house.

~~~Only In The Past~~~

"Thanks a lot Seth." I told my brother as he laid me down.

"No prob. Just promise me you'll sleep." He asked me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Promise." I lied.

"Good, now sleep." He kissed my forehead. "I've got to go to Billy's to get mum and dad. I'll be back." He told me. He kissed my cheek and went out of my room, and probably out of my life with the decision I'm making.

"Goodbye Seth." I whispered at nothing. I quickly through the covers and got my bag out of my suitcase. I went to my closet and grabbed some clothes and shoes. I shoved them in my suitcase and shoved some other things I needed. I looked at my clock and cursed. Another hour and half left until Angela leaves. I dragged my note book and pen, then started writing to mum and dad. Three other letters to Jake, Quil and Embry.

Once I finished them, I zipped up my suitcase and trotted downstairs. I looked around my house, memorising everything. I closed my eyes and let all the memories flood my mind, the good and the bad. I opened my eyes again and see blurriness. I then realized that I was crying.

I went into the kitchen and dropped the letters on the table. My eye caught a family picture of me, Seth, Leah, mum and dad. We were at first beach and we were having a mini picnic. Embry, Quil, Jake were in the background, grinning and smiling like idiots. Leah was hugging Seth, while Seth was hugging me. Mum and dad were hugging each other, staring at us, all happy. But it all changed.

I blinked and shook my head. You're doing this for them Bella. You're leaving so they can't see how pathetic you are, how hurt you are. You're leaving because you want to find yourself. You want change into a better person. You're doing this for them. You're leaving so you can be more independent. You're leaving for them. I said into my head. I'm leaving for them.

"Time to go Bella. Time to go." I whispered to myself as I walked out of the door of my house, out of my old house, out of my old life.