It took three days, but they were finally at the safe house in Lydes. Here they were greeted by the most curious sight. What appeared to be a dalish elf came running towards them and as soon as Anders had stepped of his horse she threw her arms around him.
"It is so good to see you again, Lethillan."
"I must apologize I don't know you."
The elf looked confused and then looked at Kristoff.
"He doesn't remember, Merill. They removed his memories."
"Oh, Anders I am so terribly sorry. You must be tired all of you, come inside."
They went inside and Merill kept fussing about bringing them food and something to drink. She was a funny little thing, but there was such sincerity about that made Susanna fond of her very quickly. After they had eaten Kristoff went off to bed a suggested the rest did the same. Oran did immediately. Phillip asked Susanna if she was coming, but she wanted to talk to Merill so he kissed her goodnight and left the room. Susanna, Merill and Anders sat around the table. She told Merill about what happened to Anders and by Merills gentle strokes on Anders' back she knew that they must have been close at some point.
"So Merill, how do you know Anders?"
"I knew him when we lived in Kirkwall. Anders and I were both friends with Hawke."
"The champion?"
"Yes." Merill looked sad.
"We were friends in Kirkwall, then?" Anders asked.
"Not exactly no... but we did become friends during the rebellion."
"Why weren't we friends in Kirkwall?"
"We were often in disagreement... but you were only trying to protect me... We should get some rest before the ritual tomorrow."
"We will need three mages for the ritual and we are only two." Susanna replied.
"No. I am a mage to. That is why Kristoff send for me."
"How do you know Kristoff?"
"I met him shortly after Hawke... I'm sorry." Merill looked uncomfortable and avoided their gaze.
"It's alright. Perhaps it is time for bed. Goodnight."
The next day they prepared everything from the ritual. To Susanna's surprise Merill knew a lot about the ritual as well. She said they had used one very similar in Kirkwall while helping a young elven boy. Merill, Susanna and Kristoff would be going in to the fade while Oran would sustain the spell. Anders was laid down on the floor and a series of runes, which would protect from demons, were placed around him. Phillip kissed Susanna before starting the ritual. He was always nervous around these things... mostly because if something went wrong he was powerless to stop it.
They started the ritual and Susanna found herself standing in front of a keep of some sort with big bird statues in front of it.
"Where are we?"
"The viscounts keep in Kirkwall." Merill replied.
"Was this during the mage rebellion?"
"I don't think so... If this is what I think we better head inside."
The walk into the great building and up the stairs they could hear fighting coming from the room furthest away. When they entered Susanna saw a young woman with dark, almost black, hair in a ponytail. Her skin was pale and her movements were graceful. Susanna couldn't make out her face. She was fighting a large qunari. Susanna then saw Anders standing on the stairs watching. His face was beyond worried and tears were forming in his eyes. He had a tight grip on his staff. His emotions were written all over his face for everyone to see. He was the exact opposite to the man they had rescued a few days ago. You could see his caring, his concern and even in this state there was a sense of goodness about him. She had heard tales about his selfless nature, but to see him like this. It was as if everything about him was reviled. Susanna couldn't understand how this man could perform a massacre. He seemed so sensitive. She reminded herself that they were after all in the fade and this was the only place his emotions still existed. It was only natural that you would sense his emotions so strongly.
"What is going on?"
"It would make sense for this to be Anders' nightmare. That woman is... Hawke... She were duelling the Arishok to save Kirkwall and one of our friends. We were all forced to just stand by and do nothing while she fought for her life. Anders was terrified. He was always so protective of her. Fenris and Varric had to hold him back."
"He must have loved her very much."
"He did... He used to say that she was the only thing keeping him from going insane."
"We should move on. This is not where we will find the connection." Kristoff remarked coldly.
They went through a door in the back and continued down a long hallway.
"I wonder why he had that nightmare if he doesn't remember it." Susanna mused.
"He still has his memories they have just been... hidden away you might say." Merill replied.
"So he might regain his memories?"
"Hopefully."
They went through a door at the end of the hallway. The city was burning and there was a disturbing silence. Anders was sitting in front of them on a crate. Hawke was standing behind him with a knife drawn while a man in white armour was screaming. Susanna couldn't make out the words and the faces were blurry.
"What is going on?"
"This is when the rebellion started. Anders had just destroyed the chantry and Hawke had to decide his fate. That man is Sebastian Vael. He wanted Anders dead, but Hawke couldn't do it."
Hawke dropped the knife on the ground and threw her arms around Anders neck sobbing. Anders wrapped his arms around her and seemed to be murmuring things into her hair. The people standing behind them just watched. The man who supposedly was the prince of Stark Haven walked away angry. Susanna looked at Kristoff, but he didn't seem to take notice of anything and starred at the sky. Did nothing affect this man or was he trying to ignore everything. Was he tranquil? He did seem cold, but his voice, though calm and cold, didn't sound like a tranquil. What in the void had happened to this man to make him a husk? Kristoff was once again the one to tell them to move forward. The next nightmare was very different from the first. It was an empty dark cell, with no windows and Anders sat in a corner rocking back and forward as if he were going insane. He was chained and he had the chantry sun burned on his forehead. This was after the first attempt to make him tranquil then. Susanna felt as if she was about to cry. She had never seen a man look so broken. She jumped when Anders suddenly got up and seemed to try casting a spell. A little fire sparked in his hands and then it disappeared. He then charged directly into a wall with his head first. Was he trying to kill himself? He fell to the floor his face covered in blood and he cradled himself while screaming. Merill started to cry a little. Susanna held the elf close and turned her away from the sight. Kristoff had his back turned and seemed tense, but focused. Kristoff seemed to concentrate while mumbling something to himself that Susanna didn't understand and she couldn't figure out what he was doing. In that moment a spirit in full armour appeared. Susanna could feel that this spirit was very powerful and was relieved that it wasn't a demon. The spirit nodded at Kristoff and then turned to Merill.
"Hello Merill."
"Justice?"
"Yes... how are you? No blood magic I hope?"
"No I left that behind years ago... we are here to help Anders." Merill blushed and Susanna could see she was embarrassed. How could such a seemingly harmless person use blood magic?
"Yes... I will help you return his connection to the fade... I owe him that."
"You won't posses him again will you?"
"No, I don't wish to. Even if that was my desire I could not. There has been too much damage to my being."
Justice started to illuminate and a great flash appeared. They all awoke suddenly. Anders was looking around confused.
"Andrastes knickerweasels! That was even worse than I thought." He then started to laugh violently only to shortly after to crumble and cry. His breathing was heavy and he started to cradle himself as he had done in the fade. It was overwhelming for him and there was nothing anyone could do, but letting it pass. This wasn't as bad as other rituals Susanna had preformed, but he hadn't been tranquil for as long as some of the others she had treated. Merill kneeled down next to him and even Kristoff touched his shoulder gently.
"Do you know who I am Anders?"
"Yes, you are Merill, but I don't remember you. I only remember the things before Kirkwall and after they preformed the rite. It was horrible. It was like eating without being able to taste the flavours. Observing, but not really participating."
"You need to rest Anders. Let us get you to bed and then we can talk later."
-OOO-
Anders slept for half a day, but then came down. Merill had prepared a lot of food and Susanna wondered how they were going to eat it all. When Anders saw the feast his eyes widened and he started to lick his lips. Phillip and Susanna looked at each other. They had never seen anyone eat so fast and so much in their lives. How could this skinny man eat so much? When he got to the pie he almost swallowed it whole.
"I wasn't aware this was an eating contest. There is still going to be pie tomorrow you know." Phillip smiled.
"Hey, two things about me you need to know. One I have a gray warden appetite and two I have had a pie-less existence. I am merely making up for everything that I have missed." Anders replied.
"So if you don't mind me asking, how did you end up being possessed by a spirit?" Susanna asked
"Well, short version. I was with the gray wardens and Justice was trapped outside the fade. He first possessed a dead warden and when the body began to decay I offered to share mine. He was my friend and he needed a host. From what I can remember it didn't turn out that well." There was a little remorse in his voice.
"It was very brave of you. We can all make mistakes, but I would rather make a mistake in the desire to do good, than making none at all." Susanna smiled and Anders gave a suggestive smirk.
"Kind, wise and beautiful. You must have made a d... OUCH!"
Kristoff had slapped Anders in the back of the head and pie had smeared all over his face. Phillip gave a loud laugh and Susanna giggled. Apparently Kristoff wasn't tranquil... not any more at least.
"What did you do that for?"
"You were being inappropriate. That behaviour is unbecoming and perhaps it would be wise for you to wait a while before you indulged in all what you have missed."
"You sound just like Justice. All I want is a descent meal, a pretty girl and the right to shoot lightning at fools. What is wrong with that?" Anders grumbled while touching the back of his head.
"Then you should make yourself worthy of these things, instead of trying to claim them in such a fashion... and if you want to fool to shoot I would suggest looking in the mirror."
"Hey! That was uncalled for."
"Don't you want justice for mages Anders?" Merill asked with a hint of concern.
"Of course I do... But look where it has gotten me so far. I killed a bunch of people, corrupted my friend, lost seven years of my life and was made tranquil. By the way I thought the war was over."
"There is still a lot of work to be done. We need to help the world to trust us so that we can rebuild." Susanna argued.
"And you think the person who blew up a chantry full of people will encourage people to trust mages? Look I am thankful for all you have done for me, but I need to sort out a lot of things. Like getting the seven years back I lost."
"I think I can help with that. I have some of your old journals. It is only from the first three years in Kirkwall, but it's a start. I have been keeping them safe for you." Merill smiled.
"Thank you, Merill... Hey Phillip what is wrong with you?"
Phillip was shaking uncontrollably and fell to the floor. He was turning pale and coughing as if he was about to throw up while mumbling incoherently. Susanna kneeled down next to him.
"Oh, love. You haven't been taking your lyrium." Susanna stated as held him and stroked his hair.
"There wasn't any more... My sources can't supply me anymore. I didn't know we would be gone for this long."
"Why didn't you say something?"
"I didn't want to worry you."
"Here take this." Kristoff handed him a vial of lyrium and Anders went to check on Phillips health.
"Isn't there anything we can do for him? We must be able to get lyrium somewhere." Susanna's eyes were tearing.
"I can get some, but because of the rebellion the illegal lyrium trade has become... unreliable. The Coterie and Carta are the only ones who deal in it and they always hold out for the highest bidder. That is not you I'll take it. Eventually it is going to become a serious problem for you, unless you rejoin the chantry or one of the templar factions."
"Never." Phillip whispered
"Then we must find another way. Can we get him of the lyrium addiction somehow?"
"I don't think so. The withdrawal is often fatal and those who do survive go... well... crazy." Anders replied
"Oh no... Then we have to find some more... there must be a way." She started to cry.
"There might be something... I am leaving to find the Urn of Sacred ashes. You can accompany me. I can't guarantee anything, but I can acquire lyrium enough for the journey." Kristoff answered. Susanna looked at Phillip and then nodded in responds. Anders and Susanna helped Phillip up and started to give him something for the symptoms. Kristoff got up and left the room and went up to his room. He sat down at the desk and took out the maps to find the best route to the south of the Frostback mountains. He found it difficult to concentrate and were clinging his firsts.
"You are annoyed."
"Of course I am annoyed. Didn't you hear him?"
"I did."