Anders went to his room. All of this was so difficult to come to terms with. He knew all the terrible things he had done, but had no memories of it. All he could remember were templars taunting him, spitting at him and threatening him over the past four years. He didn't know why they had bothered since he had been tranquil at the time. He looked in the mirror and saw he mark that would forever be burned into his forehead. He hadn't felt anything at the time, but now he could feel the annoyance and anger. Luckily with Justice gone he could once again hide behind a veil of humour and sarcasm. He kind of missed Justice. Even though it had gone horribly wrong and he only remembered being merged with him a short period he missed him. Perhaps he just missed any friend at all. He had lost everything and he couldn't even remember all that he had lost. Anders remembered that the templars had tried to taunt him with the abuses and death of a woman who they claimed he loved. Maybe it was something they had invented in order to torment him? He had a hard time picturing himself in love. Sure there had been a lot of women and infatuations, but love? He looked at the diaries. Did he even wish to know? He then remembered the last thing he did in Kirkwall. He was planning on rescuing Karl. He needed to know if he succeeded. He went to his bed and opened the book and found the last date he could remember. The books had been enchanted in case templars had gotten their hands on it and only Anders knew how to open them.
"I haven't heard from Karl in over two weeks. I fear what they have done to him. The circle in Kirkwall is worse than in Ferelden and I can feel Justice raging inside me like a mad beast. I have send word to Karl to meet me in the Chantry tomorrow night."
He remembered this entry and turned to the next.
"Everything is ready for tonight. A young woman, named Hawke, came into my clinic today. I almost attacked her and her companions. Paranoia is taking its hold on me and I am constantly on edge. They were looking for maps into the Deep roads. They must either be very skilled, desperate or crazy to go down there. In any case the Hawke woman seemed both honourable and kind. I made a deal with her that if she helps me with freeing Karl I'll give her the maps. Funny thing is, she didn't even hesitate. I almost fell over backwards when she said that mages should be free and were falsely prosecuted. She was clearly not a mage so why would she care? Perhaps if someone like her believes in the cause of mages it is not as hopeless an endeavour as I thought. It seems that my fortune is about to change."
So that was how he had met this Hawke. Risky putting so much trust in someone he had just met, but he didn't have much choice. Anders continued to read a later entry the same day. The penmanship was ragged and rushed.
"Well, I was wrong. My fortune has defiantly not change. Karl was made tranquil and was part of an ambush to capture me. If I haven't had Hawke with me they would probably have succeeded. Or maybe not since Justice decided to enter the fray. He is getting more and more difficult for me to control. Justice however seems to affect tranquil, so that Karl regained himself for a minute. He begged me to kill him and I did. I was too late. It was my fault. I will never make that mistake again, I must fight even harder to make sure no one else suffers his fate.
The Hawke girl surprised me. She saw what I am, but she didn't seem scared of me. I had to tell her about Justice and I fully expected her to run away in fear. But she apparently doesn't seize to amaze. She stood there patiently letting me explain and she was comforting, reassuring and kind. As was her sister, Bethany. I have learned that Bethany is an apostate, so that explains Hawke's comment earlier today. I have given her maps to the deep roads and offered to come with her. It would be too dangerous for them to go without a warden. So is this my future? Darkspawn and tranquil? I wonder how long I will last before this insanity takes me."
Karl was made tranquil despite his effort and was killed by his hand. Anders felt sick. If all his memories in Kirkwall were like this he was not sure he wanted to remember. He decided to look for an entry where is penmanship was neat. Perhaps there would be a pleasant memory.
"I helped Hawke track down a mage boy who had been taken by slavers. Poor lad was being hunted by templars his mother had sent after him. She was doing it with her best intentions, but then again all people claim they do. She did seem worried about her son and she didn't know of any other option. When we found him he told us he wanted to go to the dalish so they could help him with his magic and he would escape the Gallows. Hawke encouraged him to go and even offered to take him there.
On our way back to Kirkwall she smiled at me. It is the warmest smile I have ever seen. Her laugh and smile is intoxicating and you can't help, but smile in return. Her smile lights up this darkness I find myself living in and I am starting to believe that everyone around her feels that way. She gives people hope, even that annoying elf, Fenris, she knows. Maker, I swear if it wasn't because he was a friend of Hawke's I would beat him until he begged me to stop. I have a hunch that he feels the same about me. If I hear one more word about how his former, evil, magister master is the reason why all mages should be locked up I am going to lose all self control. How Varric, Isabela and Hawke can tolerate his brooding I will never know."
Well, this was a happier memory at least. They had achieved some good, but it seemed that he was still feeling frustrated. This elf must really have annoyed him. Anders stood up and by accident he knocked over the three diaries. One of them fell open on a page that seemed to have read often. The corner of the page was dented and there were what looked like tearstains on the page. Did he want to read this? He looked at it for awhile, but then curiosity got the better of him. The book was from his third year in Kirkwall.
"I almost kissed her today. Maker! She is so wonderful and it is a torment. After Bethany was taking by the circle she has been keeping herself occupied every second of the day. I am worried that she is breaking down. I know she feels like she failed her sister, but she didn't. I wish I could hold her and comfort her until all her doubts disappeared.
Justice is cross with me. He likes Marian, but he keeps reminding me that I am distracted while around her. I think he is afraid that my love for her will overshadow my determination to free the mages. Sometimes I think he might be right. Even so I can't help flirting with her and then the next moment I will succumb to the fear of hurting her. Justice tells me that it is unjust for me to treat her this way and he is right... but I can't help myself.
She has spent a lot time in my clinic lately. She has been cleaning people's wounds, helping me making potions and salves. A man came in today from the bone pit mine. He had a small pieces of glass stuck in his shoulder. Marian removed them gently with her nibble fingers without him feeling a thing. Those elegant, tiny fingers does everything with finesse that is unlike anything I have seen. How I envied the man every touch she gave him... void I even envy the lock she picks and the traps she disarms. Just thinking about her makes my entire body ache as if my heart is being pulled out of chest trying to get closer to her. I try to imagine her to ease the pain, trying to comfort my body with the images of her.
I imagine her fingers running down my chest and through my hair. While my own hands holding her by her waist and pulling her close. I envision my mouth kissing the soft, pale skin on her neck, while taking in the scent of her. She always smells like vanilla and in my mind she taste just as sweet. I imagine my hands releasing her hair from her ponytail and let her long, dark, brown hair fall down as my fingers run through it. I can see myself kissing her mouth and her pulling me close never wanting to let go. Everything I do is for her. Taking of her clothes, kissing her all the places that will make her gasp. Tenderly caressing her so that she will feel loved and worshipped. Taking my time loving her slowly so that she will smile for me, the one that makes her green eyes light up and her pupils dilate so they almost turn black.
Her kindness and compassion is the only thing keeping me sane. The only thing that gives me hope. I love her and as much as I try to keep away from her, try to warn her and keep her at a distance... she knows. She has to know I love her. How could she not? It is written all over my face and when she smiles at me I know that if I were to kiss her, I will never be able to let go. I haven't confessed my love for her and I can't. I can never put her before the plight of mages and I will do nothing, but hurting her in the process. The worst part is that she accepts this as well. She always understands and it is slowly destroying the last resolve I have.
Marian, love, can't you see I wish you all the happiness I can't give you? I will bring freedom to mages so no one else will have to suffer this. In the future someone like me will be able to love someone as wonderful and lovely as you without fear."
This Marian must have been something else. He had been obsessed with her and from what he wrote it sounded like he would die without her. Anders guessed that Hawke and Marian must be the same person. The templars hadn't been lying about him loving her. Anders couldn't remember a time where he had been so determined to keep someone else safe from harm. Well, he had done things for the greater good when he was with the wardens, like helping the warden-commander defending Amaranthine. But this was different. He pushed his own desires aside just to keep her safe. Justice must have changed him more than he realised. What was worse according to the rumours he had failed. She had been killed because she protected him. Anders felt guilt and remorse wash over him. He didn't want to remember. He knew enough. He would start over and enjoy the seventeen years he had left... maybe less. Maker! He was 37 now! His blood ran cold. He didn't want to die, not after all that he had survived. But he had so limited time left, how could he rebuild his life and be able to enjoy it? And what kind of life did he even want? He could rejoin the wardens, but after what happened with Rolan that thought wasn't tempting. "Wait... the others were going to the sacred ashes. Perhaps, that could cure the taint at least. I could have a long life. Well, unless all the people who want me dead find me first." That would at least give him some time to figure out his life and what to do with it.
-OOO-
When he came down the next morning he seemed almost cheerful. If you knew Anders you would know that his humour, sarcasm and regardless attitude were a defence mechanism. This was a far different Anders than the one who shared his body with Justice. When they had been joined his emotions were so close to the surface. His anger, despair and fear written all over his face. He remembered what it felt like. How difficult it was to keep his emotions buried because of Justice. He wondered what had happened to Justice. Merill had said that they saw him in the fade. That was good... then he was where he belonged. The others looked at him as he came into the sitting room whistling.
"What are you so happy about?" Oran asked.
"Well, I am not tranquil for one and then there is the pretty company." Anders winked at Susanna.
"Good point." Oran laughed.
"You do seem very cheerful for someone who is being hunted for murder." Phillip remarked annoyed.
"That's me, always looking on the bright side."
"Since when?" Kristoff grumbled.
"I am sorry do I know you? From what I gathered so far shouldn't we just have met?" Anders glared at him.
"Well, you wouldn't remember if you met me before now would you?"
"You know that chip on your shoulder? It has definitely replaced your head."
"Well at least something is where my head should be. I am not sure that could be said in your case."
"That's enough gentlemen. Please... Have some breakfast, Anders." Susanna interrupted.
Kristoff sat in a corner and Anders swore that he was glowering under that mask of his. What was that guy's problem? Anders remembered hearing about him while he was a templar servant (the thought made him sick). This man should have made templars lives a living nightmare. They should be allies at the very least, but Anders had hardly been himself for two days and already this guy hated the sight of him. Anders started to eat breakfast, even food tasted better after being tranquil for so long. You could taste the flavours of course, but you couldn't appreciate them.
"So... when are you leaving for these ashes?" Anders asked between bites.
"Tomorrow morning. As soon as I have the lyrium I need for the journey. Why?" Phillip answered coldly.
"Because, I am coming with you."
"What?" Phillip didn't want him to come. He didn't mind Anders so much just the flirting with Susanna.
"Why?" Kristoff asked.
"Because I want to see if the ashes can cure me of my... memory loss." He couldn't tell them about the taint.
"I think that is a good idea. Having a healer along could be nice for a change." Susanna smiled.
"I am a bit rusty, but I will do my best."
Kristoff got up and told them he was going to prepare for their journey tomorrow. He avoided Anders' gaze and went out the room. When he got to his room he started pacing. After he had found out about Anders' memory loss he had hoped that Anders would remain behind. But he was always getting himself into something, couldn't relax and certainly couldn't sit by and be idle. That hadn't changed.
"You were too hard on him. It was not just to treat him that way."
"I know... It's just finding him and reversing the rite... I thought it would be different."
"You mean you thought he would be different."
"Well, yes... This is not the man who risked everything for mage freedom. That man is a fool!"
"You give him too little credit. He is still there, he just has more control."
"Unless he is around women or food... Being possessed must have changed him more than I thought."
"Surely you don't wish him to be possessed again?"
"No, of course not. I'm sorry... I didn't mean to imply..."
"I certainly hope not."