They said goodbye to Merill the next day and where off. Oran and Anders seemed to get along very well. The conversation between them where hilarious and had a touch of insanity. Susanna suspected that Anders needed to laugh now more than ever. Especially, while he didn't have the memories of all the terrible things that happened to him in Kirkwall. Who knew how he would react when he finally remembered. Kristoff kept a good distance in front of the others and she noticed that he didn't seem quite as... emotionless as before after Anders' rite was reversed. Perhaps something in the fade had triggered something. Then finally Oran couldn't keep his mouth shut any longer.
"So do you remember the Champion?"
"I remember almost nothing about my time in Kirkwall."
"Shame... She was supposed to be a beauty... I can't imagine how a mage living in a sewer could shag her."
"Well, I am charming."
"I bet she must have been bendy. Rogues always are you know." Oran winked.
"I don't see how that is any of your business."
Anders snapped and rode ahead. He might not remember, but from what he read in those diaries and the templars taunting of him... well it was enough for that comment to hit a sore spot he didn't knew existed. Both Phillip and Susanna gave Oran an angry look, but he just shrugged. Anders grew silent for a while, but started to stare at Kristoff. The man was odd and Anders' felt that he was a little too familiar with him, than he would like. When Anders regained his spirits he decided to get some information by teasing Kristoff. Perhaps he could provoke a responds and answers to questions he didn't know what was.
"You know you remind me a lot of, Justice."
"Justice?"
"The spirit who possessed me."
"So you mentioned."
"The body he had before he merged with me, his name had been Kristoff. Now, isn't that just odd?"
"Are you assuming that all who are named Kristoff or have some sort of relation to a Kristoff, doesn't like you?"
"Not that they don't like me. Just that they like to lecture me with self-righteous arguments. I am beginning to think you are Justice or a distant cousin perhaps?"
"Didn't you say Justice was your friend?"
"He was... a good one."
"Well I am not your friend so therefore I can't be Justice." Kristoff snapped.
"You're right. You are nothing like him. Justice was far nicer than you." Anders groaned.
"Why are you searching for the ashes, Kristoff?" Susanna tried in an attempt change the subject.
"I have a relative who suffers from, what you might call a genetic disease. There is no known cure so I need to find a miracle. It was also the price for getting the information I needed to send you and Phillip to investigate Anders' location."
"Is it fatal... your relative's disease I mean?"
"Yes, and it is a prolonged illness."
"I am sorry. Don't worry I am sure we will find them."
"Thank you. I hope they will be able to help you as well." Kristoff said in a kind voice. Susanna smiled. This was the first time she had seen him capable of a positive emotion.
"How do you know where they are? I thought the chantry kept the location secret." Phillip asked.
"They do, but a friend of mine has been there and gave me directions."
"I thought the only one to be there was the Hero of Ferelden?"
"That is correct."
"You know Alyssa Amell?" Anders asked. What was it with this man knowing everyone who he knew? Could this be Justice? Had he found another corpse and was hiding under that amour? No. Merill said she saw him in the fade while Kristoff was present. But he was defiantly starting to creep Anders out.
"Yes, I do. People always talk about how brave she is, but it is really her kindness that sets her apart."
"You can say that again. I don't know how she did it, but she always seemed to get along with everyone. Even that drunken dwarf, Ogrhen. Do you know him Kristoff?"
"I have known many drunken dwarfs, but not that one."
-OOO-
They finally arrived at the border in Ferelden. While riding through the mountain pass a wave of arrows came down. The Carta jumped out on them. Oran quickly made the earth under them shake while Susanna froze them in place. Phillip charged in and almost severed one of them. Anders threw one of the largest fireballs Susanna had ever seen. He was really as powerful as the rumours said and he should be an even more gifted healer. Kristoff jumped in behind the leader and cut his throat only to disappear in a cloud of smoke. That man was everywhere at once or seemed to be. When the ambush was over Oran ran after the horses who had been scared of. Fortunately they hadn't gone far. It was only then they realised that Kristoff had fallen to the ground with a viscous cut to his stomach and an arrow stuck near his collarbone. Anders ran to him and kneeled beside him.
"It is bad, but I can heal it. We need to make camp for tonight, he will need to rest."
Susanna nodded and ran to Oran. Both of them quickly found a place to camp and rolled out a bedroll for Kristoff. Phillip carried Kristoff to the camp. It was amazing how small that man was. Oran started a fire and then went for some more wood with Susanna, while Phillip took care of the horses. Anders started to examine Kristoff and decided that the cut to his stomach was the most important. He then started removing the amour until he could see the skin. He was wearing a breast band and Anders' eye grew wide "Wait? What?".
"You are a woman?"
Kristoff removed her mask. He looked at her pale face and her long dark hair. She had a small slightly round nose and a round face. Her eyes, though they were in pain, seemed kind and gentle. She was beautiful.
"No kidding. Are you going to heal me or keep starring at me?" She grumbled.
"Oh... sorry... of course. I'll get right on that."
Maker, he was good at healing. She had almost forgotten how soothing he could be.
"So what is your name? I am guessing it is not Kristoff."
"No my name is Hawke... Bethany Hawke."
"Related to the champion I take it."
"I'm her sister."
Anders could have hit himself. It all made sense now. How she knew about his past and knew people that he used to know. He felt himself ashamed. That was why she had been so cross with him when he had flirted with Susanna. Seeing her sister's lover flirting with another woman must have upset her. It would also explain why she seemed so angry or cold even. She had lost as much as Anders had, but she remembered it, while he was just fooling around. Anders felt as if he was the most incentive ass in all the history of Thedas. She was mentioned in some of the diary entries. She must have been the one to give them to Merill then? When the others returned they were stunned to find out about Kristoff's identity. When she was healed Susanna asked.
"So what should we call you? You have so many names now, that I am getting confused."
"Hawke will do fine."
"Wasn't that what your sister was called?" Anders wanted to hit himself again. Why didn't he think before he spoke? At least Justice had held that part of his personality in check.
"It was... But after what happened with you... I... it was..." She lost her words.
"It was as if being called her name would keep her alive." Susanna stated.
They were silent for a few moments when Hawke spoke again.
" I am sorry for my deception, but I have very little family and friends left. I need to protect them and the best way to do that was by hiding who I am. It is paramount that no one knows who I am. This is the only way I can help the mages and protect those I love."
"I understand." Susanna smiled.
"Wait, aren't you a mage? You don't have the brand so you are not really tranquil are you?" Anders asked.
"That's... a long story with some very painful memories. I would rather not discuss it."
"Sorry I didn't mean too..."
"It's alright, Anders. I know you didn't."
"Well, I think I am going to get some sleep are you coming Phillip?" Susanna said as she stood up. Phillip nodded and made Oran understand the hint to do the same. Susanna and Phillip knew that Anders and Hawke needed to talk. Anders was feeling awkward and grateful at the same time. When he was satisfied that the others was asleep, he mastered his courage to ask what he had been pondering for days.
"Do you know why I did it?"
"Destroy the chatry?"
"Yes... I know things with Justice and where bad, but I never thought..."
"None of us know what we are capable of when we are desperate. Fortunately only few of us ever find out. Do you remember how bad Kirkwall was? I heard you say you remember some of it."
"I remember my first month in Kirkwall. It was terrible how suppressed mages were."
"It was, but over the six years you lived there it became worse. Much worse. All the mages were desperate, not just you and our options seemed limited."
"There must have been a better way than blowing up a chantry?"
"You tried to find a better way. Over and over again you tried to convince people, but they wouldn't listen. At least not those who had the power to change it. That was why you chose the chantry as your target. The Grand Cleric had the power to change things, but she wanted the mages and templars to figure out their differences on their own."
"How would she get that idea?"
"She was an optimist, who believed that the only way of proving to the maker that we were worthy of him, was by passively accepting what happened around us rather than trying to actively change it. She might have been right if it hadn't been for the fact that Knight-commander Meredith went insane. There was no way to reason with her."
"What happened? The templars never gave me a very detailed description of that part."
"No I guess they wouldn't. Not exactly a proud moment for the order. When you went to the deeproads you found a cursed lyrium Idol... it's a long story, but the idol was snatched by our friend Varric's brother. He then sold it to the Knight-commander who got the great idea of melting into a sword. After you destroyed the chantry we went to the Gallows were she lost the last sanity she had left. She was completely possessed by the idol. I have never seen anything quite like it." The cold sarcasm in her voice made Anders wonder if she even knew how to smile.
"Must have been some show."
"That it was..." Her eyes drifted and she seemed to be caught in a memory. He didn't want to ask, but part of him had to.
"I am sorry if this will hurt you, but I have to ask. Do you know if... were I at least good to her before I did all those things?"
"Tell him."
She hesitated.
"Anders... I have never seen anyone so in love as you were with her. No one could have loved her as much as you did. Those years you lived with her was the happiest she had ever been."
"She is dead then?"
"I..."
"Tell him."
"I don't know. I should get some sleep. Goodnight Anders."
She stood up and walked towards her tent.
"You didn't tell him."
"I couldn't."