Varric heard a scream and sat up. He tried to catch his breath and remain calm. You would think that he would be use to this by now. He stood up and lit the candle at that moment Lea came running towards him crying and holding him close. He held her and stroked her hair.
"Nightmare again?"
"They are so scary, Varric... They are so many..." She sobbed.
"I know, Shadow. Do you want to hear a story to help you forget?"
Still sobbing and tears running down her face, she nodded. He lifted her onto his bed. He wondered how long he would be able to do that. Humans grew so fast. He always worried about her nightmares, no child should have those. The monsters she described were so horrible that even Varric found it unnerving.
"Will you tell the one about my name?"
"Of course, Shadow. Almost four years ago I was sitting right in this suite with Isabela and Fenris playing wicked grace. Fenris suddenly got up and grabbed a hooded elf by the arm. He had sneaked in with our any of us noticing. When we asked what he wanted he said he was here to make a delivery. Then we heard a baby cry and the elf took off before we could stop him. And there in shadows in the far corner was a basket with you in it. I took care of you and ever since you could walk you have always been hiding under beds and cabinets. I'll never forget one time when you startled Fenris. That broody elf have faced down many foes, but you are the first one to ever scare him like that. You are the best at hiding and as long as you are in the shadows no one can find you."
"Varric?"
"Yes?"
"Who are my parents?"
Varric chocked. He had no answer for her, none that he could give her and certainly none that a four year old would understand. He had dreaded this day... this was his nightmare.
"I am not sure. Maybe you are a lost princess? Would you like to be a princess?"
What else could he do than try to change to subject and he was relieved when she giggled. Then she looked at him sleepily and said.
"I hope they were good... and brave... like the champion."
"I think they were, Shadow. I think they were."
-OOO-
Anders woke up suddenly. His heart beating violently and his breath failing him. He kept having nightmares about being tranquil as if dreams of dark spawn weren't enough. He rubbed his forehead and felt the brand. It was horrible to feel it and no healing magic in the world could ever remove it. He could get a tattoo to cover it, but he doubted that it would help. He tried to take comfort in the fact that he wasn't the only one... it didn't help. He needed to take his mind of it. He looked at his backpack and took out the diaries. Then he noticed that the last one had a different penmanship and not his own. It was also a later date than the others it was dated back a little over five years ago. It belonged to Marian Hawke. Should he read it? It had been given to him of course, but he felt like he was intruding. On the other hand the person who wrote this was dead. His curiosity got the better of him. He read and mostly came over some trivial descriptions about what she had been doing. He was mentioned a few times, but nothing important came up. Then he found a very long entry that caught his attention.
"Anders asked me to help him find some ingredients today. He said it was for a potion to separate him and Justice. I couldn't help feeling that he was hiding something, but I figured he didn't want to worry me. He is always so protective of me and I love him for it, but sometimes I wish he would share his burden with me. He doesn't have to go through all of this alone. I am worried about him. Not just because he seems so sad and worried, but the Knight-commander Meredith is becoming more and more paranoid and is hunting the mages relentlessly. The worst part is that the mages she catches are not the ones who are a danger to the city. She torments the mages that are already locked in the Gallows as well as harmless apostates, while blood mages are allowed to run around tormenting the city. Why can't she see that the reason there are so many blood mages is because her tyranny is creating them? Meredith gave me an indirect threat last week. The threat was concerning Bethany. I don't know what I will do if she hurts her. And worse what if she goes after Anders next? I can't lose him. He is the only one left in my life that loves me. He makes me feel so loved and I find myself gaining strength when I make him feel loved. I haven't told Anders, but I have made all the preparations for a quick escape should the templars come for him. I have even accepted Isabela's offer to join her crew. If they come for him, Isabela said she would be ready to take us away from here. Anders is at his clinic now, when he is done for today we will get the ingredients for this potion.
I am afraid. I am selfish. I can see that both Anders and Justice are suffering, but a part of me don't want them to be separated. I love him (them) just as he is and despite Justice's violent tendencies he has a passion and determination that drives all that is good in him. His caring for the helpless and oppressed. I sometimes even believe that Justice is the part of him that is so determent to protect me. I guess I am just worried that he won't be my Anders any longer. But all this is selfish of me. I should be happy that they are able to find peace. Perhaps then Anders won't be so worried."
He had not been exaggerating when he had written about her kindness. She worried about everyone else, but herself. Even the part where she had described herself as being selfish warmed his heart. He had wondered how he could fall in love but now... How could anyone love him so much? He turned to the next entry.
"I went to Anders clinic today. I don't know whether to be relieved or worried. The ingredients weren't for a potion. He won't tell me what they are for. He is protecting me he says. "I promise whatever happens it will be on my head. It will not come back on you." My love, why can't you understand that your life is more important than my own? But I guess you do, since that is the same way you feel about me.
He asked me to help him to get inside the chantry unnoticed and of course I did. I don't know what he is planning and he won't tell me. I trust him and that has to be enough. He joked once that he wanted the Knight-commanders head on a spike, but I believe now that if he were to ask me in all sincerity that I would do anything to make it happen. I am starting to scare myself. When I think about protecting him and Bethany I believe myself capable of almost anything. Am I becoming as desperate as the mages? I wonder if it is the same fear that Anders has when Justice takes over. They unawareness of what we are capable of.
He is starting to frighten me. He hinted several times today that he was going to die. He told me that he loved me and that I am the most important thing in his life, but that something's matter more than his life and our love. He is right. I wish he wasn't, but he is. I just hope that he realises that though love isn't important in the grand scheme of things, love is what makes us capable of dealing with the things that are. I guess one could argue that it would make love the most important thing."
He had actually involved her in destroying the chantry? Had he betrayed her trust? Maybe reading these diaries weren't such a good idea. Anders could feel himself aching for her. He didn't remember her and couldn't even picture her face, but knowing how much he had loved her and she had loved him was enough to make him wish he could hold her. The book had a scent he didn't notice before. The scent of vanilia. Suddenly he could remember flashes. He could hear her laugh ringing in his mind and the feel of the skin on her back. He remembered how soft her hair was and even the taste of her mouth when he had kissed her. He almost threw the book away. He couldn't do this. He didn't want to torment himself. She was dead because of his actions and he didn't want to remember the heartache that he knew had to be al consuming. He lay back down and now the darkspawn filled dreams seemed preferable.
Bethany looked at Anders. His stirring had woken her. For a moment he looked like the man she knew in Kirkwall and almost felt guilty for being angry with him earlier. He had so much pain in his past. She should have been happy that he had changed and was able to let go. Perhaps she was envious that she couldn't let go? She almost chuckled to herself at how silly he seemed. She had seen glances of it in Kirkwall, but now it seemed to consume him. She had forgotten his laugh and smile.
"You should have told him."
"He is tormented enough. He doesn't need the burden."
"How do you know it will add to his burden? Maybe it will lessen it."
"It is something he doesn't remember. Maybe it is best that way. Phillip could have been right about him not wanting his emotions back. Thankfully he doesn't have his memories."
"Those memories are essential. It is who he is."
"I will not risk hurting him."
"Hurting him or hurting you?"
"I don't know anymore... this is difficult for me."
"I am sorry... I should try to comfort you not lecture you. I am here for you, whatever you need."