"And you know what kills me Peyton? Not just the fact that you did this to me again, for a second time while I was with him, but that he told you he loved you…and you aren't even with him!"

Peyton couldn't get Brook's hurt filled words out of her mind, nor the expression of hatred in Brooke's eyes that she'd never in a million years expected to see there, directed at her.

"He loves you Peyton, he would do ANYthing for you, he's aching for YOU, the way I ached for him, and you-you won't even be with him! You ruined US and you ruined him for NOTHING!

Nothing. The familiar sting of tears assaulted Peyton's eyes and she rushed towards the upstairs. She wasn't sure why she was still there. After her heart wrenching run in with Lucas on the patio and her heart mangling confrontation with Brooke, one would think Peyton would have run as far and as fast as she could from that emotional landmine of a party. But if Peyton was anything, she was a martyr. All she could think was she deserved every bit of this pain and every hurtful thing Brooke said to her.

The words resonated with her in more ways than one and she couldn't help but see her self banishment from Lucas the way Brooke saw it. She had ruined them all for nothing. She and Lucas were as in love and miserable as ever and Brooke was still pissed.

Maybe she should go to Lucas. He was part of the reason she was there after all. Peyton had not slept well for months, even since before psycho Derek's attack. She thought about Lucas Scott constantly and the memory of his touch was tattooed on her skin. If she just closed her eyes she could feel him, but sleep rarely visited her. Every time she felt his touch, she saw Brooke's hurt filled eyes. She couldn't separate the two as much as she wanted to. That was what kept her awake; the guilt and the love that had suddenly become so inextricably linked.

Peyton was amazed and afraid of how deeply her love for Lucas Scott ran and as he had said to her a year before in the dark of her room, it would always be there. The question was would the guilt always be there too?

Now Peyton had to stomach the fact that maybe she was indeed being selfish. Was Brooke right? Yes she and Lucas had hurt Brooke, because it seemed their love was too strong to be contained. But she was containing it after putting it out there and she had ruined Lucas and Brooke. It seemed she was holding all the cards.

Peyton looked down at the partygoers from her perch at the top of the stairs. Coming here had been a test more than anything; to see if she could handle this crowd without panicking and perhaps, subconsciously she needed to see him. Maybe it was time.

"Mmmmm, god Luke keep doing that. Yeah." Brooke moaned as Lucas suckled at a spot just below her earlobe. Brooke pulled back to regard the very inebriated Lucas above her and vaguely wondered what the hell Rachel had slipped him. His eyes were hazy and alarmingly dilated and he still didn't realize who he was with even after removing her skirt and his own shirt. His touch was heavy handed, but passionate, and very hungry.

Brooke shut her eyes and pretended he knew who he was making love to. He had only said 'the slut who shall remain nameless's' name once and since then, the only words that came continuously from his mouth were "I missed you. I missed you so much."

She could easily pretend he was actually addressing her, that it had been her that he'd missed. She had missed him too, despite everything. She had missed him so much…..and Peyton too even though she would never admit it. As Lucas lovingly paid attention to her breasts she thought of her ex-best friend and instantly got jealous and angry beyond belief. These touches and kisses were hers and even with the drugs in his system she could feel the love he bore her pouring from him.

Tears burned the backs of her eyes and she hoped that Rachel was going to do what she meanly hoped she would. Find a way to get Peyton up there. Lucas's shirt was somewhere on the other side of the room with Brooke's skirt. His pants were unbuckled and his hands were not at all idle. Peyton would get an eye-full and feel what a knife in the heart felt like. Brooke actually smirked at the thought.

The smirk faded quickly from her face when Lucas spoke again. "Peyton. God Peyton I love you so much. I love you."

Brooke clenched her teeth hard and with a tug pulled Lucas back up and kissed him hard, taking her jealousy and anger out on his lips…and thought of her revenge.

"Peyton!" Rachel plastered a grin on her face after running into the curly haired blonde at the top of the stairs. "What's up."

"Um, hey Rachel…..You haven't seen Lucas around have you?" Peyton asked shoving her hands into her pockets. Rachel raised a brow, determined to not turn around and look at the bed room she'd left Lucas and Brooke in. She had not been expecting this. It was clear that Peyton and Lucas were actively avoiding each other. There was no real need to stir things up this much. Really, she just wanted to give Brooke one last bang with Lucas. Closure sex was always fun. The look on the blonde's face if she walked in on what was going on upstairs would not be so fun.

She actually liked Peyton. And after the year she'd had, walking in on Brooke screwing Lucas would be the icing on a very shitty cake.

"You know, I actually saw Lucas downstairs….on…the deck." Rachel congratulated herself for coming up with a false location so quickly.

"Thanks," Peyton turned to descend the stairs and stopped. "Oh before I forget….um thank you for being such a good friend to Brooke. I know I'm the last person who should be speaking about friendship, but she needs someone right now and I'm just glad you've been there for her."

Rachel looked down at her shoes and then back up at Peyton. Damn. Guilt wasn't her thing.

"Oh, no problem. No problem at all," she shrugged walking them down the stairs. "Um so, why are you looking for Lucas? Finally gonna end the fast, huh?"

Peyton smiled almost shyly. "Something like that. I miss him and if I don't go to him, I would have ended me and Brooke's relationship for nothing. You know? I don't know why I'm telling you this."

"Oh no. It's fine. What are friends for," Rachel replied wishing she was somewhere else. Guilt definitely wasn't her thing.

"Well, I'm gonna go do a keg stand or something. Bye," Rachel bid a hasty retreat. She knew Lucas and Peyton belonged together, but Brooke needed to move on. Hopefully, Lucas would forget what happened tonight and Peyton would never find out what happened.

Peyton watched Rachel scamper off and shook her head. Sometimes she wasn't so sure about that girl. A small amount of her guilt had to do with leaving Brooke with Rachel Gattina. She shook the thought off and was turning to go to the patio when a voice stopped her.

"Hey are you looking for L Scott?" Peyton stopped and turned to the owner of the voice. It was Ricky from the basketball team.

"Hey Rick. Um, yeah Rachel said he was outside."

"He's not out there. I think he's upstairs. Fergie said he saw him go up there awhile ago and he hasn't come down yet."

"Oh. Well, thanks Rick."

"No problem." Peyton began to go up the stairs when Rick stopped her again

"Hey it's about time."

"What?"

"He's been freaking miserable and I know it ain't got nothing to do with Brooke. I'm sure you knew that, but it's about time you two got together."

Peyton blushed and smiled. "Thanks Rick."

"Just call me cupid."

Peyton giggled for the first time in a while. "Well, thanks cupid."

From the first moment she straddled him and pressed her lips to his something seemed different. Not wrong or bad per se, just….different. Nevertheless, Lucas brushed his hands through 'Peyton's' hair as she kissed his chest. He didn't really register that the hair was straighter and longer than it usually was, that the body that lay atop him was far smaller both in height and build. He'd been waiting so long to touch Peyton Sawyer again, to put his lips on Peyton Sawyer's again, and to show Peyton Sawyer how much he loved her that it just didn't matter. All that mattered to the part of his brain that was still functioning, was he had her back.

"Peyton," Lucas murmured, trying to pull her back up to him. She was trying to remove his pants, but he wanted to kiss her again, because all of a sudden for some reason it just didn't seem real…or right. Wrong suddenly caught up with different. "Peyton wait-"

"Shhhhh. Just let me take care of you Luke," Brooke whispered, reaching her hand down the front of his jeans making Lucas hiss.

"But Peyt. I need to-" Brooke shut him up with a kiss and wrapped her fingers around his erection. As she slipped her tongue into his suddenly hesitating mouth, she heard the door begin to open and smiled….

….and Peyton couldn't believe her eyes. She gasped, and shook her head disbelievingly as Lucas and Brooke both pulled away from the liplock they were engaged in and turned to look at her.

It was a strange feeling. She felt faint and nauseated all at the same time…and then there was the sharp pain as the knife embedded itself snugly into her heart and shattered it into millions of irreparable pieces. What was worse was the way they were looking at her.

Brooke's self satisfied stare was planted directly into Peyton's eyes which were quickly filling with tears. Brooke savored the hurt in Peyton's tear filled eyes, pushing away the feeling of guilt she felt for so maliciously hurting a person she once called friend. She tamped all of those feelings away and focused on her jealousy and focused on her hurt, finding in herself the nerve to smirk. To add insult to injury the hand down Lucas's pants continued its movements. Her look almost said "hurts doesn't it?".

It did, but what hurt the most was the look Lucas was giving her. Brows furrowed, like he didn't understand why she was there and why she had tears streaming down her cheeks. He had the nerve to even look sympathetic and sorry and even a little confused. There was no mistaking his arousal.

Yes, Lucas was confused. How, he thought, was she standing there? How was she standing there looking more broken than he'd ever seen her look in his life when she was on top of him with her hand on his cock?

"Peyton?" At the sound of his voice Peyton turned and ran with tears blurring her vision, down the hall, down the stairs, past Nathan who tried to stop her and ask what happened, and out the door. She ran.

She ran with no direction in mind, ran until her lungs burned and her legs ached, ran so long that time itself and the world vanished and all that was left was her hurt. When she finally came to a stop she was heaving for breath and sobbing at the same time. The effort to do both brought her to her knees.

"God it hurts!" she cried, curling herself into a ball.

Peyton knew there was nothing that would hurt as much as loosing her mother, but this…came as close to second as anything could. She felt out of control and sick and the darkness…..the darkness that she had mistakenly chosen over love became a dark she feared she would never escape from. It was suffocating and Peyton indeed felt her chest begin to tighten and everything began to spin and as she fell to the ground she knew nothing would ever be the same ever again.

Lucas was trying to pull his shirt on. He was determined to go after the Peyton in the doorway. Although the "Peyton" who had been on top of him was doing some great things to his body Lucas couldn't sit her when he knew there was a Peyton out there in pain. And she was so upset. It tore at something inside him and left a steady ache there that he didn't have the capacity to understand at that moment. He didn't have the capacity for much at all. Standing was hard, and after managing to slip his shirt on he had to sit down.

His head was spinning ferociously and he felt sick to his stomach. Her name was like a mantra going in his head and he used it to try and keep himself focused, but the room wouldn't stop spinning. All he knew was that he had to get to her. He had to get to her….as soon as he had the strength to stand.

He pressed his head into his hands shakily, ignoring Brooke who was pulling her own clothing back on.

Her revenge had left an unpleasant taste in her mouth. Lucas had shoved her off of him when Peyton ran. It was the same story over and over again. Lucas still had no idea what was going on, but he had enough presence of mind to want to comfort Peyton when she was hurting, and as usual he would walk all over her to do it. And she knew Peyton was hurting. She hadn't seen Peyton in this much pain since her mother died.

As she watched Lucas stumble and then sit on the bed, she shook her head.

"Let it go Luke. She's long gone," she murmured, her bitterness getting a hold of her again. If it wasn't so sad it would be pathetic.

Lucas shooke his head. Was that Brooke? Lucas tried to speak, but his chest suddenly felt like it was on fire. This wasn't a heart attack. Lucas knew what that felt like. This was different, because Lucas's breathing became erratic. It was like his lungs had just realized he'd been running for a long time and acted accordingly. Lucas's hand flew to his chest and tears began to squeeze from his eyes. What the hell was happening to him?

Brooke furrowed her brows, watching as Lucas clutched his chest and panted like he was running a marathon.

"Shit," she mumbled. "Lu-Lucas? Lucas!" Beginning to panic she continued to call his name and rounded the bed to stand in front of him. She was shocked at what she saw.

Lucas had curled himself into a ball, his face awash with tears, his eyes wide and frightened. "God it hurts," he whispered through clenched teeth.

"Lucas! God, are you-are you okay?!" Brooke cried jumping from foot to foot.

"What hurts, Lucas?"

Still panting, Lucas managed to murmur, "My heart."

And it did hurt terribly. But it wasn't a heart attack. It was a heart coming apart. And as Lucas lost consciousness he couldn't help thinking, although he didn't know why, that nothing would ever be the same. Not ever again…..

Tree Hill parties always seemed to end in tears.

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