Mario: I suppose there's another Shine Sprite in Bianco Hills?
FLUDD: You suppose correctly. Now get back in there before you have to face another goop-dripping piranha plant.
Mario jumps back into the Bianco Hills graffiti and lands with his hands in front of him in case there is another dog beneath him. He stands up and looks around.
Pianta: Hey...buddy. You ever heard of the Hillside Cave?
Mario: Hey...buddy...no.
Pianta: In the lake area, there's a cave with secrets inside it. Nobody knows what they are.
Mario: How does someone know there are secrets inside it if nobody's been inside it?
Pianta: Because somebody could guess there were secrets, or maybe secretly find the secrets in the secret Hillside Cave.
Mario: Or maybe you're keeping a secret from me.
Pianta: Secretly, I would say yes.
Mario: And if you do not tell me your secrets, I will secretly dump you in a garbage can.
Pianta: My secrets have been secretly kept secret for many years as I live in secret. I would not tell you my secrets, secretly or out in the open.
FLUDD: Not to ruin the party, but a), I have no idea what either of you are saying, and b), we need to find the Hillside Cave.
Mario: Let's get out of here in secret.
FLUDD: Shut up, Mario.
They walk away and arrive at the lake area. Mario looks around.
Mario: Where's the Hillside Cave?
FLUDD: Probably on the side of a hill.
Mario: Good point. How are we supposed to get to it?
FLUDD: Use your imagination.
Mario: I imagine for there to be a flashing, neon sign telling me where to go and a bridge leading me there.
FLUDD: That's not what I meant, you moron.
Mario: Jeez laweez! Look at the size of that bug!
Mario points to a water strider on the surface of the lake. It is Mario's size.
FLUDD: Oh my. I've heard those things are poisonous.
Mario: AAAAGH!
FLUDD: And they love to eat little pasta-loving plumbers.
Mario: I swear, I've cut down on the meatballs!
FLUDD: They also really hate the color red...
Mario: You know what, FLUDD? I think you're lying to me.
FLUDD: Mario, what does "F.L.U.D.D." stand for?
Mario: A Fake, Lying, Unuseful Dumb Dud...
FLUDD: You must get used to this if you are to use me successfully. ...Seriously, though, I hear those things actually are poisonous.
Mario: Yeah, right. I'm gonna go pet it.
Mario walks up to the huge bug, which skitters up to him. Before he can pet it, it lunges onto him and starts biting at him.
Mario: FLUDD! Help me!
FLUDD: I cannot spray water without direct use of my pump.
Mario: Who cares about spraying water! Do something!
FLUDD: Bug...stop biting at his belly.
To Mario's surprise, the bug backs off.
FLUDD: Go for the neck. It's much more tender and nutritious.
Mario shrieks again as the bug darts at him. Mario rolls backwards and jumps on top of it. He only hurts himself more.
Mario: I could kill these things in Super Mario 64!
FLUDD: This isn't Super Mario 64. They are invincible in this game.
Mario: Nothing is invincible! There's got to be a weak point somewhere.
FLUDD: Mario, I would concentrate on finding the Hillside Cave.
Mario: What if there are a million more bugs in there!
FLUDD: It's a risk you'll have to take.
Mario: Fine! I'll swim over there!
FLUDD: ...I hear there are leeches in the water.
Mario: Stop it!
Later, in the Hillside Cave...
Mario: That thing didn't tear my shirt, did it?
FLUDD: Nope. It did, however, tear a button off of your overalls. No offense, but you look like a sissy.
Mario: Oh, sure, "no offense." I'll get a new one back in Delfino Plaza! Let's go inside the cave!
Mario wanders into the Hillside Cave. As he falls, FLUDD is suddenly torn from his back as Shadow Mario races by. He waves bye to Mario, then disappears as Mario arrives at the bottom himself...
Mario: Nooooo! My only source of company! How am I supposed to save myself from ten billion mile pits now! ...Why does this place look so weird? There are blocks, and colors, and 2D trains racing on colorful 2D tracks...
John Lennon: [singing] Picture yourself on a train on a station...
Mario: Hey, look! There's the Shine Sprite!
The camera changes to look at the Shine Sprite, then zooms out quickly and goes over the obstacles. Mario's jaw hits the floor.
Mario: Without FLUDD, I feel so vulnerable...well, I'm no coward! Let's go!
Mario dashes as fast as he can to the blocks moving back and forth. He skids to a halt as soon as he arrives nose-to-wood with the block. The wood gives him several splinters in his nostrils.
Mario: Oooohh, that'll leave a mark...I can't do this! I'm too used to FLUDD! I want FLUDD!
Mario sits and cries like a helpless, pathetic grown man, waiting for FLUDD to return. After a long while of waiting, he has a bushy brown beard growing down to his chest. He is rocking back and forth on his toes, humming to himself.
Mario: FLUDD's not coming back. I have to get that Shine Sprite to get out of here.
Mario hops up the moving blocks and skids to another halt as a deep pit awaits him. Only the brown blocks moving around in front of him will let him pass. Mario sits back down and cries again. After another long while, his beard has reached the floor.
Mario: [through a mouth full of hair] I have to do this. I must go through with it, FLUDD or no FLUDD. In fact, who needs FLUDD! He's a fake, lying, unuseful dumb dud, anyhow! I don't need a mobile source of misery! Let's do this!
Mario hops across the blocks and races across the next obstacles. He passes by them all with ease. He finally arrives at the end, where the Shine Sprite is. As his face grows excited, he trips over his beard and tumbles into the pit below.
Mario: Nooooooo!
WHAM!
Mario: Hey, I'm in the obstacle course again! I'm invincible! Let's do that again! Wheee!
Mario hops off again and again until he exhausts himself. He looks up and sees something forming into the air.
Mario: Looks like letters...hey, it says, "Game Over!" Yay! Maybe that means I've won!
Writer: Okay, time out, Mario.
Mario: Not you again!
Writer: Hey, I saved your butt on episode 1 of Bianco Hills. What do you think "Game Over" means?
Mario: It means that my game is over, and the Shine Sprite will feel sorry for me and come to me and get me out of here.
Writer: "Game Over," Mario, means that you have lost all your lives, and in a few seconds, your butt will be kicked out of the stage, and you will have to start this obstacle course all over again. Now, I suggest you shave and stop moaning about your situation. That's what got you your beard in the first place, and through that, your Game Over.
Mario: Tell me it isn't so! Please, just give me another life! I swear I won't waste it!
Writer: ...Fine. I'll give you one more life out of sheer pity and maybe a hint of disgust. Now be careful with it.
Mario: Yes! I love you!
Mario tears his beard off, yells like a maniac, then skips gleefully forward with his extra life. Unfortunately, he is facing the wrong direction, and he skips right off the edge of the stage and loses his life instantly. Mario is kicked out of the stage and arrives in Delfino Plaza with FLUDD on his back.
FLUDD: You lost all your lives, didn't you?
Mario: I swear, I didn't know I had them!
FLUDD: Next time, don't go leaping off of cliffs. Now get back into Bianco Hills.
Mario glumly goes back to Bianco Hills and quickly arrives at the Hillside Cave in less than eight seconds, taking no time to pet the bugs. He hops into the cave and hangs onto FLUDD. Shadow Mario attempts to snatch it, but isn't expecting the additional weight and flies out of the vortex, completely stunned. Mario imitates Shadow Mario waving at him as he lands again.
Mario: Now that I have you, this should be an easy matter!
Mario quickly and easily goes through the obstacle course and arrives at the Shine Sprite. He reaches up, grabs it, and smiles.
Mario: Yes! I beat the system!
FLUDD: Mario, quit doing the victory dance.
Mario: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Who's da man? Who got da Shine Sprite?
FLUDD: I really don't want to see "the running man," Mario.
Mario: Who got da Shine Sprite? I got da Shine Sprite!
A blast of foam rockets from FLUDD and douses Mario. When the cloud of bubbles clears, Mario is covered head to toe in foam. Only his blinking eyes are seen.
FLUDD: Every time you do the victory dance, I will douse you in the secretly-installed Idiot Stopper. Now concentrate on getting the next Shine Sprite.