Dramatic Voice: Last time on Mario Ball Z, Mario faced off against Shadow Mario in a battle to the death....
[shows Mario with rippling muscles and a spiky hairdo]
Mario: [charging up beam of destructive power] Kamehame ha!!!
The beam shoots at Shadow Mario, who stands there gaping stupidly as the beam approaches. Nobody moves for about five minutes. Eventually, the beam hits Shadow Mario, despite the wide gap of time he had to move out of the way. He blasts eighteen planets away and dies.
Dramatic Voice: voice returns to normal Actually, he chased him around and squirted him with water. But he got a Shine Sprite, so all's good. We're now on episode 8.
Mario: Yay! So, that's, what, eight Shine Sprites?
FLUDD: Yes. Now go back into Bianco Hills.
Mario's pupils dilate, and Carmina Burana plays as the camera slowly zooms in. He stares forward, fearing that he may lose his grip on his sanity.
Mario: N-no...no...it can't be true...not into the village again....
FLUDD: Would you let the poor Shine Sprites suffer? Get back in there before I douse you with my Idiot Stopper AGAIN.
Mario: I'm not being an idiot, I'm just being r--
Mario winds up with a face full of foam.
FLUDD: That was just a warning shot. Now get in there.
As Mario turns back around to enter back into the portal, he notices an entire orchestra, complete with violins, trumpets, drums, and about forty people doing the "singing" of the song.
Mario: ...Yes. You did your job. Now go away.
Mario hops into the portal and arrives at Bianco Hills yet again. He sighs and marches forward again.
Mario: Now what's the invisible name of the mission I have to do now that only you can see?
FLUDD: Red Coins of the Lake. You will be going to the lake area.
Mario: Where those bugs are!?! How many times have those things attacked me unprovoked!?!
FLUDD: I believe the first time you decided to pet one.
Mario: Yes, and that was a friendly gesture.
FLUDD: Shut up, Mario.
Mario: Okay.
Mario heads over to the lake area. He sploshes knee-deep into the water.
Mario: There are no red coins here.
FLUDD: Yes, there are.
Mario: Oh, I'm sorry. Are they invisible like everything else in the world? Is it just an illusion? Is that really a lake I'm standing in? Or am I just going insane?
FLUDD: First of all, you're already insane, so it's impossible for you to go insane. And secondly, no, you're not standing in the lake, you're standing in the one part of the surrounding water that happens to be half mud, half quicksand.
Mario looks down and shrieks as he realizes that he is now chest-deep into the mud.
FLUDD: And on closer inspection, there appears to be a bit of piranha plant dung in there as well.
Mario: Does it never end!?!
FLUDD: A bug is coming this way.
Mario: Genius. Get me out of here, FLUDD!
FLUDD: There is nothing I can do without your direct assistance. I recommend using the Squirt Nozzle.
Mario nods gratefully and sprays as hard as he can. What he doesn't remember is that FLUDD stands for Fake, Lying, Unuseful Dumb Dud, and the Squirt Nozzle's recoil has just sunk Mario chin-deep into the mud.
Mario: FLUDD...not funny....
FLUDD: On the contrary, it was very funny. A half-dead mentally retarded snail could have decided that the Hover Nozzle was a better option.
Mario uses the Hover Nozzle and blasts out of the hole. However, mud, quicksand, and piranha plant dung flies everywhere, which includes him. Mario stands, shocked, for a few seconds, the wipes the mud from his eyes.
FLUDD: You still need to take care of the bug problem.
Mario: Forget the bug! Where the heck are the stinkin' red coins!?!
FLUDD: Look up.
Mario looks up, and the camera zooms out to see about a dozen platforms and ropes sticking up out of the water and connecting to each other. Mario's jaws hits the ground--which happens to be back in the mud, and now his jaw is sinking.
Mario: Gah meh ouh, FLUHH!
FLUDD: First into the mud....
Mario's mouth quickly becomes filled with mud.
FLUDD: And then the deadly quicksand....
Mario's mouth quickly becomes filled with the quicksand-like sludge.
FLUDD: And then, the finally layer...the piranha plant dung heap....
You get the picture. Finally, Mario uses his Hover Nozzle and propels himself back up. He spits repeatedly and dives into the water to clean himself off. He is then assaulted by the bug, which takes another twenty minutes to handle.
So, twenty minutes later....
FLUDD: Mario....
Mario: ...........................
FLUDD: Mario, you need to get going.
Mario: .................................
FLUDD: Mario!!
Mario: Fine!! How do I get up there?
FLUDD: Use my Rocket Nozzle. See that collection of platforms in the water over there? Go over to them. The red box on top has what you're looking for.
Mario swims over and hovers up to the red box.
Mario: Okay, what's going on?
FLUDD: What do you mean?
Mario: What's going to jump out at me if I open this up? Or explode? Or is an anvil going to fall on me? Or maybe am I going to see a sculpture of Harpo Marx's Gookie face?
FLUDD: You are paranoid, Mario. Stop being a baby and open it up.
Mario: There's a reason I'm paranoid, you know. Maybe it's because of all the stupid LIES YOU'VE PULLED ON ME!!
FLUDD: Relax, Mario. Anybody could see through my lies.
Mario: You know what? I'm going to open it up with you. I'm going to stand at a distance and open it up.
FLUDD: Fine by me.
Mario takes FLUDD off and backs up, holding FLUDD out by his nozzle. He brings FLUDD up and prepares to hit the box with him. Unfortunatley, Mario is too close to the edge and falls off. FLUDD lands safe on the platform, hits the box, and reveals the Rocket Nozzle. Mario lands in the water.
FLUDD: And what did I tell you?
Mario: breathing between clenched teeth I...hate...you...FLUDD....
FLUDD: Yes, but you need me. Now you'll have to find a way up here by yourself.
Forty-five minutes later....
Mario: Okay, okay, now I think I've got it. If I catapult myself upward using this stick, I should sail right onto the platforms!
Mario runs forward happily, then thrusts the big stick downward, expecting to go soaring. He doesn't. Due to eating too many meatballs, the stick snaps before he even jumps, and he flies into the water.
Attempt number 42:
Mario: Wait! I've got it now, FLUDD! I'll just stand on this tree and do one of my super jumps over to you.
FLUDD: with resigned amusement Give it your best shot.
Mario climbs up a nearby tree, then runs forward and spin jumps over. He arrives just shy of the platforms, whacks his head on the edge, and falls into the water.
Attempt number 56:
Mario: You're gonna think differently about me now, FLUDD. I'm just the smartest man alive. Watch this. All I have to do is make a Pianta angry, and she'll do the rest!
Mario walks up to a nearby Pianta woman smugly.
Mario: Hey, is that your breath, or did you just eat a garbage truck? And a little bluebird told me you're pregnant. ...Or is that your stomach? And I also--
The Pianta gets angry, as he expected. She whacks Mario into the ground, with only his hat showing above the cracked earth.
Attempt number 68:
Mario: I think...I have finally...got it...I'll let the bees nearby sting me, which will make me jump high enough to reach it....
It doesn't work.
Final attempt:
Mario: Maybe...I'll use my crutches...and--
FLUDD: Mario, I can't take it anymore. Wall jump off of the wall behind me.
Mario notices the wall behind FLUDD. Dropping his crutches, he limps over, swims across, gets attacked by yet another bug, nearly drowns, makes it to the other side, and wall kicks off the wall. He sprains his ankle doing so, of course, and lands, screaming in pain, in front of FLUDD.
FLUDD: All because you didn't listen to me. It would have gone much easier for you if you had opened the box, even if there was a furious Bob-Omb inside.
Mario: Save it, FLUDD...I don't wanna hear it....
Mario gets FLUDD again, grabs the Rocket Nozzle, and straightens up, brushing off all his injuries.
Mario: Alright, let's test this baby. Aaaaand three...two...one....
Mario's lips are left behind as he goes soaring upwards into the sky. Once his lips come back up to him, he shouts:
Mario: I'm flying! Yeah! I'm a biiiird! I'm a plane! I'm a--
What goes up must come down, so Mario sinks again. And lands onto the platforms. Hard.
Mario: raising his face from the Mario-shaped print on the platforms I seem to be one big ache today....
FLUDD: What an idiot. Of all the people that had to find me, you did. Why not somebody with some smarts?
Mario: And somebody with some luck. Let's try again, now that I know what to expect.
Mario blasts off again and maneuvers himself around. He falls down toward a rope. He lands on top of it expertly, not losing any of his balance, walking like a tightrope master. Or so the game would have you believe. In reality, something much worse happens.
Mario: No! No! Not the rope!
Mario lands onto it, crotch first. Mario is silent, his expression of the most supreme, incredible, unimaginable, unbearable pain the only visible clue as to his misery.
FLUDD: Um...ouch....
Mario: Eeeeeeee....
To make matters worse, an electric ball comes down the rope, heading straight for Mario. The Jaws music starts to play.
FLUDD: Get up, Mario! Hurry!
Mario: I...can't...pain...incredible....
FLUDD: Come on, Mario! It's almost here! And the water in my tanks will only make it hurt more if it gets us!
Mario slowly pushes himself up, then flips over the electric ball in slow motion. He lands on the rope HANDS first this time. The ball turns around and starts following him again.
Mario: Crud! Give me a break!
Mario scuttles along as quickly as he can until he makes it to a platform. Afraid of the electric ball, he blasts up to a higher platform.
Mario: Phew...we're safe now...say, where are we?
FLUDD: Approximately twelve stories above the lake.
Music suddenly plays, the sort of music that plays when a detective suddenly discovers a dead body in a bath tub in an old, black-and-white movie. Mario gulps, then hyperventilates, grabbing onto the edges of the platform and gripping them so tightly he starts to tear wood off.
FLUDD: Relax, Mario. There's water below us.
No response.
FLUDD: Breathe, Mario.
Mario: EE-huh-EE-huh-EE-huh....
FLUDD: You are the biggest, strangest, and possibly most frustrating person alive. You will leap over fiery pits of lava. You will go into dungeons where no one else has gone into. You will jump over evil Koopas, land expertly BESIDE an axe so you don't impale yourself, and then chop the bridge off to send the monster to his doom. And yet, here we are, perfectly safe, above water. What are you afraid of?
Mario: Heh....
FLUDD: What?
Mario: Heh-ee....
FLUDD: Spit it out.
Mario: Heights. It's not that I'm scared of heights normally...it's my imagination telling me what might happen at such an altitude what with my luck being the way it is now.
FLUDD: Tough noogies, Mario. The red coins are even higher up.
Mario: DON'T SAY THAT! I can't do this mission! Get somebody who's luckier than I! Someone who bugs favor! looks back at the ropes And possibly female.
FLUDD: Get over it. I want you to stand up and shout, "I am not afraid of heights, and I am the bravest man alive." Go on, say it.
Mario: No.
FLUDD: You'll feel better.
Mario: Okay...fine. I AM NOT AFRAID OF HEIGHTS, AND I AM THE BRAVEST MAN ALIVE!!
Pianta Twelve Stories Down: Shut up, you retard!!
Mario: FLUDD....
FLUDD: What does my name stand for, Mario?
Mario: Fine!! I'll just get the stupid red coins!
Mario goes around and gets most of the red coins. The last one is down below in the water. It's above a giant lily pad.
Mario: Right. It's simple. I can do this. JUMP!!
Mario jumps down and plummets for a good ten seconds before landing in the lily pad. Notice I said IN, not ON. Due to the speed and height of Mario's fall, he crashes into the lily pad, which wraps around him like the wet leaf it is. He screams and kicks, trying to get the leaf off before he drowns. FLUDD uses his Idiot-Stopper under the water to make Mario stop flailing. Mario, now able to concentrate a bit better, tears a hole through the lily pad and swims up for air. The lily pad is now stuck around him like a tutu.
FLUDD: Mario, you keep saying you are unlucky, but you are actually one of the luckiest men alive right now.
Mario: Tell me about it. I almost drowned.
FLUDD: No. You are lucky I do not have the ability to laugh. Otherwise, I'd have suffocated and died right now.
Mario: I'm starting to wish you would. I'll fix it later, okay!?!
Pianta: Hey, who's the guy in the tutu?
Mario: Shut up!!!
Mario grabs the last red coin, and a Shine Sprite appears. He blasts up using the Rocket Nozzle and grabs it.
FLUDD: That's right. Big, tough guy Mario, defeating the evil Bowser in a tutu.
Mario: This is not my day.