Mario: Let me guess: Stupid Bianco Hills again.
FLUDD: No. Ricco Harbor.
Mario: No kidding! How do I get there?
FLUDD: Giant, goopy piranha plant.
Mario: Can I go back into Bianco Hills?
FLUDD: Ha ha. No. You're going to Ricco Harbor.
Random Pianta: It's your fault that the Shine Sprites left and it got all dark!
Mario: Why?
Random Pianta: I dunno, I just felt like saying that.
Mario: And if I just felt like punching you in your big, fat, giant-nosed face, would that be justified?
Random Pianta: [pulling off his shirt] Oh, you wanna go, then?
Mario: Bring it on, Lardy!
FLUDD: That would not be such a wise decision, Mario.
Mario: What's not wise is him thinking he can just insult me!
Mario pulls off his red shirt, cap, and FLUDD and flexes his nonexistent muscles. He runs up and jabs the Pianta in the belly several times, shouting war cries. The Pianta flattens Mario into the ground.
Ground-Flattened Pianta: Hey, buddy. Nice to see you here.
Mario: Who are you?
Ground-Flattened Pianta: I'm John Pianta. I challenged him a few days ago.
Mario: And you've been stuck in the ground for that long?
John Pianta: It's nice to have some company.
FLUDD: I told you it was not such a nice idea, Mario.
John Pianta: The dude's the eight-year wrestling champion of Isle Delfino. I heard he put his mother in the hospital just by hugging her.
Mario: Why doesn't anybody tell me these things!?! Shut up, FLUDD. I know what you're going to say, and I don't wanna hear it. Just get me out of here.
After a thirty minute struggle, Mario pulls himself free, puts his clothes back on, and walks without a word to the goopy piranha plant.
Piranha Plant: BLAAARGH!!!
Mario: Shut up.
Piranha Plant: Erg?
Mario: How can you stand being here, hour after hour, doing nothing? Isn't it boring?
Piranha Plant: Herg....
Mario: What's the point, anyway? All I have to do is spray water in your mouth or throw some old, rotten food in the hatch. Why don't you just go home?
The piranha plant looks thoughtful, then shrivels up and goes away. Mario looks behind him at FLUDD, smirking.
Mario: I'm not as dumb as you think I am, am I?
FLUDD: Smart decisions: One point. Dumb decisions: A hundred and eighty-three.
Mario: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's go to Ricco Harbor.
Mario walks up to the portal and looks at it.
Mario: What would happen if I stuck half my body in there?
FLUDD: A hundred and eighty-four.
Mario: What?
FLUDD: Never mind.
Mario pauses, then sticks his hand in the portal. On the other side, a Pianta does a double-take as a disembodied hand taps him on the shoulder. Mario pulls his hand back, grinning.
Mario: Is this sweet, or what?
FLUDD: Mario, there's something you should know....
Mario: I'm going to stick my body in now!
On the other side again, the same Pianta widens his eyes as half of a plumber greets him.
Mario: Hey! How ya doin', buddy!?!
Pianta: I am never eating so much pizza again.
Back where Mario's other half is, the two Pianta policemen are standing over him, disapproving. FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper.
Mario: YOW, that feels uncomfortable! I'm gonna have a hard time getting that out of my pants!
Pianta: You have pants?
A hand pulls Mario back out by his hair. He lands in front of the cops, upside-down in his vision.
Cop #1: Having fun, slacker?
Cop #2: Goofing off while the island gets more and more polluted?
Mario: What do you mean?
On the other side....
Pianta: [turning to the Pianta next to him] And I suppose you're not real, either.
Second Pianta: Huh?
In Delfino Plaza....
Mario: Come on! I was just about to go in there! It was just a moment of fun! Or is that illegal on this island?
Cop #2: That's no excuse for slacking off, slacker!
Mario: Quit with the 'slacker' already! Like I haven't seen the two of you, standing around, doing nothing, eating doughnuts and getting fatter than you already are!
The second cop's eyes widen, and he kicks Mario through the portal at mach 8 speed. On the other side....
Second Pianta: I knew you were nuts the moment the whole football incident happened.
Pianta: I'm telling you, there was a guy, big mustache, red cap--
Mario: --AAAAAAHH!!!
The living missile bashes into the Pianta and knocks him over. The plumber now has a big, red shoeprint on his face.
Second Pianta: That guy?
Pianta: Yes, that guy.
Mario: What're you all looking at?
Second Pianta: You.
Pianta: See? I told you I'm not crazy!
Second Pianta: Just because a screaming guy with a shoeprint on his face crashes into you from nowhere doesn't mean you're not crazy. ...Did I just say that?
Pianta: Yeah, you did.
Mario: Enough about me already! Is this Ricco Harbor?
Pianta: Yup. Beautiful city of construction, giant Bloopers, and slimy ink coating everything.
Mario: Giant Bloopers? How soon can we get out of here, FLUDD?
FLUDD: Don't tell me you're afraid of a big squid.
Pianta: Alright, I KNOW that machine talked.
Second Pianta: We don't know for certain, but there's a giant tentacle hanging out from a collection of boxes. Looks just like a Blooper's tentacle.
Mario: IT'S THE KRAKEN!!!!!!
Silence for about ten seconds.
Mario: ...Sorry. I felt like I had to be dramatic. Thank you! I'm off to get killed!
Mario receives another face-full of bubbles and foam. He stamps his foot on the ground angrily, then runs across a boat to get to the giant Blooper.
Mario: Nice. A dead end in front of a wall.
FLUDD: Duck, Mario.
Mario: What duck?
A thick, steel bar whacks Mario on the forehead and knocks him down.
Pianta Worker: Sorry! We're building a tower!
Mario: You could be a bit more observant, you know!
FLUDD: Says the guy who's about to be flattened by a steamroller.
Sure enough, behind Mario is a giant steamroller, headed right for him. He shrieks like a four-year-old girl, then dives out of the way. Only to be picked up by a crane and accidentally dumped in the way of a bulldozer. He gets smashed and flies into a pile of bricks. When he stands back up, the same Pianta worker knocks him in the head with the steel object.
Pianta Worker: Sorry! We're building a tower!
Mario: I'm dreaming. This isn't really happening. Not to me.
FLUDD: Is my Idiot Stopper also part of your dream?
Mario: Okay! I'm not dreaming! How am I supposed to get up there?
FLUDD: Through the sewers.
Mario: Ooo, sounds like James Bond! Look out, here comes double-O 18-and-three-quarters!
The Bond music plays as Mario gets a tuxedo from nowhere and walks above the manhole. He pulls out a PP7 from nowhere and fires off into the distance. A few seconds pass, then he ducks as his fire is returned by twenty machine guns and a bazooka. He climbs down into the sewer and lands on top of what appears to be a miniature Ferris wheel. He has landed right in a mouse carnival. Hundreds of mice, as far as the eye can see.
Mario: I assure you, Bond never wound up in this situation.
FLUDD: Bond was a little bit smarter than you are.
Mario: And how did I know that was coming?
Mario steps carefully out of the Carnival for Mice and walks slowly through the sewers. He rips off his tuxedo and looks up. He passes by several manholes.
Mario: Which one do I go up?
FLUDD: The last one.
Mario reaches the end, then looks up. He prepares to jump out. (You know what's coming, don't you?) He prepares a big jump, then leaps up. He bangs his head and falls back down, unconscious.
About an hour later, Mario wakes up.
FLUDD: Would it kill you to act normal and climb up?
Mario mumbles something mean about FLUDD, which FLUDD hears and responds using his Idiot Stopper. He climbs out of the manhole and runs over to the boxes.
Mario: Mah goodness, that is one darn big tentacle. You know what? I haven't seen Peach in a bit, let me go back and check if she's okay.
FLUDD: Mario? Two words. Here's a hint: It's a secretly-installed function I use quite often these days.
Mario: Come on, FLUDD! Look at the size of that thing!
FLUDD: That never stops you with Bowser.
Mario: There's a difference. He's an overconfident guy who's lost more battles than the number of ants in the world, plus he has a ridiculous hovercraft that doesn't scare anyone. [Mario thinks about the Koopa Clown Car and frowns.] Okay, it's a little creepy. But this is different!
FLUDD: Pull on the tentacle.
Mario: Fine.
Mario grabs the tentacle and gives it a good yank. Something that sounds like flatulence mixed with giggling is heard from inside the boxes. Mario turns and looks at the camera. Gooper Blooper breaks out of the boxes and lands in front of Mario.
Mario: See? I told you. I told you. This thing will kill me.
FLUDD: Pull its tentacles off, then spray the ink off its face and smack its lips back by pulling on them and releasing.
Mario: That's cruel!
Mario is then covered head to toe in ink. He glares at the giant Blooper.
Mario: What else do you want me to tear off? 'Cause I'll tear it off!
Filled with a vengeance, Mario rips all the tentacles off and smacks the Blooper with its own lips in under five seconds. When it sprays more ink, he washes it all off, then sticks FLUDD's nozzle into its mouth and fills it up like a perfectly-round balloon with water. It floats away. Mario waves bye to it as the Shine Sprite appears.
Mario: Now there's a business idea: Inflatable Bloopers.
FLUDD: Just grab the stupid Shine Sprite, Mario.