AUTHOR'S NOTE: What? Another chapter so soon from that slacker AllHailMario? I'm going to make an attempt to do at least two chapters to any of my stories a week. So hopefully, updates should come sooner.
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Narrator: [using a cheesy, narrative voice] This is the amazing, talented, (*cough* underpaid *cough*) Blooper Mario Sunshine Narrator. We now skip ahead several episodes to save you loads and loads of boring time. In episode 2 of Ricco Harbor:
Pianta: Come on! Just hop onto a Blooper and surf through the obstacle course!
Mario: I thought I'd already mentioned that they hate me!
Pianta: You just need to show them a bit of love!
Mario: I did that before! It didn't work!
Pianta: Come on, just try it!
Mario: Why do you think my pants are all stained!?!
Narrator: And after going through furious Bloopers....
Mario: Just get me a Blooper that likes me!
Narrator: ...Dangerous obstacles....
Mario: Aah! Watch out for the swinging scythe!
Narrator: ...And stupid Piantas....
Pianta: Huh? Huh? Was that obstacle course fun or what?
Mario: I almost died, you moron!
Narrator: ...He arrived at the less-inviting episode 3....
Mario: You've got to be kidding me.
FLUDD: Come on, Mario. All you have to do is hang onto the crane, swing from pole to pole, climb up the railing eighty feet off the surface of the water with the flesh-eating fish down below, bounce from trampoline to unstable trampoline, shatter your coccyx on impact down at the bottom of the big cage, and grab the Shine Sprite.
Mario: You're not helping, FLUDD!
Narrator: But luckily, he only broke three bones on the trip up, none of them his coccyx. And after three comes four, unless you honestly can't count....
Mario: Not another "secret!"
FLUDD: Relax. You only lost eighteen lives and three Game Overs on the last one.
Mario: I'm more frightened of the Pianta carrying the steel rods....
Narrator: After setting a new personal record of twenty-three lives lost at one time, he had to complete episode 5, which involved defeating Gooper Blooper again....
Mario: Remember your time as a balloon, Gooper?
Narrator: There was no skill there. Gooper Blooper hopped off the edge of the helipad and defeated itself. Which leaves us on episode 6, where you get to witness Mario currently making a fool of himself...again....
Mario: Oh, gosh, no...not the...the....
FLUDD: The Bloopers?
Mario: I have seen enough Bloopers to last me a lifetime! Blooper enemies! Gooper Blooper! Jumping Bloopers! And worst of all, these stupid surfing Bloopers! Even look at this story's title!
Pianta: Pick the Blooper you like best and hop on! ...By the way, do you think I should step on that red switch over there?
Mario: Nope. If you do, get the red coins for yourself.
Pianta: I'm gonna step on it anyway!
Mario: You will not! You'll have to get through me first!
Mario gets smashed down through the dock with his head stuck above the wood and his feet in the water. The Pianta marches onward.
Mario: All of you guys have such tempers! Why doesn't anybody like me on this island!?!
FLUDD: Well, according to them, you did pollute the island.
Pianta: He WHAT!?!
Mario: Uh-oh.
Pianta: So he's the creep that's been making my life miserable!?! He's the one that made the island dark!?!
Mario: Come on! I've been framed, you jerk!
FLUDD: That wasn't smart, Mario.
Pianta: Ooh, now you've done it!
Mario's life flashes before his eyes. He sees himself scampering about in a diaper in a meadow of flowers. "Don't run too far!" yells his mother. Then he's playing Monopoly with Luigi in their dining room, demanding that Luigi doesn't buy Mushroom City and grinning when the obedient, timid little brother obeys him. Then he goes on his first date. He's a rambunctious teenager with a mullet who wears a black leather jacket. The date lasts for about an hour until Mario is presented with the "does this make me look fat" question. His answer? "No, but your body does." And then he's a plumber, glorious mustache fully-grown, given his Plunger of Membership and doing his first job. Then he's working with Luigi, coming up with a cheesy motto that nobody likes.
And then he's looking at an angry Pianta who wants him dead.
Mario: FLUDD? Tell Luigi that I'm sorry I never let him buy Mushroom City!!
The Pianta runs forward, trips on a plank, and lands, unconscious, on the dock. Mario pulls himself up out of the hole and steps on the red switch.
FLUDD: You have somewhere around a minute before you die.
Mario: OHHHHH, I am hating this!
FLUDD: Hop onto a Blooper and start surfing.
Mario complies and jumps onto a green Blooper. He gets attacked, squirted with ink, and strangled until time runs out. He loses a life and gets ejected from the stage.
Mario: There has to be another way, because that clearly isn't working. I've got it! I'll feed them Blooper Balls!
Five minutes later, Mario walks up to the green Blooper with a box of treats.
Mario: Here! Just for you, I'm going to give you a Blooper Ball!
The Blooper eats it gratefully. Mario hops on just fine and starts surfing. He gets three red coins, then crashes into a wall.
Mario: Dang! Oh, well. I'll just swim back and get another one.
Writer: Nope.
Mario: Mr. Writer! I haven't heard from you since episode 3 of Bianco Hills!
Writer: Yes, touching reunion. But you're not swimming back for another Blooper, because you're losing a life and getting kicked out.
Mario: What!?! That isn't fair! Can't you do something about it?
Writer: No.
Mario: Why not!?! What if I battled another sumo wrestler? W-wait! The giant cockroach from Men in Black! I could do that!
Writer: Goodbye, Mario. I have to follow the rules. Besides, it's a lot funnier to watch you squirm. That's the whole point of the story, right?
Before Mario can argue back, he winds up back in Delfino Plaza. Grumbling, he comes up with another plan.
Mario: What if I just swam for the red coins? Nothing wrong with that!
Back in Ricco Harbor, Mario steps on the switch and hops into the water. He manages to get about five red coins before time runs out. A Thwomp lands on him from nowhere, making him lose a life.
Mario: Now I KNOW that wasn't in the game.
Writer: Yes, but it's funnier.
The scene of Mario getting crushed replays over and over again. Mario's scream is heard each time.
Mario: I am not impressed.
Writer: Better get to thinking of another plan.
Ten minutes later, Mario wanders in with a huge magnet.
Mario: I am such a genius! This magnet will attract the red coins and get them for me easily!
A red coin flies to Mario. He grins. Then another red coin comes. Then a sledgehammer. And a toolbox. $2.38 worth of coins. Three paper clips. A TV set. The hook from a fishing rod--Mario screams as it flies into his leg. Then a bulldozer. A ship lands on top of him.
Back in Delfino Plaza....
FLUDD: Yes, you are such a genius, Mario.
Mario: What a powerful magnet. ...Oh, now I have it. This one can't fail.
FLUDD: You said that last time. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the time--
Mario: You're not helping!
Mario wanders in with a rope. He ropes all the Bloopers together, feeds them all Blooper Balls, and steps on the switch. He rides on the one in the middle.
Mario: You see, FLUDD? If mine crashes into something, I can just hop onto another one!
FLUDD: Yes, that's all you have to do, isn't it?
Mario gets two red coins, then attempts to go through a narrow area. Before he can shriek "Holy pasta!" at the top of his lungs, the Bloopers crash all at once. Mario is sent flying over a hundred miles per hour into the wall of a ship. A sailor mopping the ship is startled as a plumber-shaped print bashes into the side of the boat.
FLUDD: Mario, you annoy me.
Mario: And you me.
FLUDD: Feed a Blooper some Blooper Balls, then ride it SLOWLY--not fast and stupidly like you were, but slowly--and get all the red coins.
Mario makes a face and silently mouths FLUDD's words. He hops back in, feeds the green Blooper, and rides, almost hoping it won't work just so he can prove FLUDD wrong. Of course, FLUDD is always right whenever he's not trying to get Mario into trouble, so the Shine Sprite appears on the dock. Pleased, Mario hops at it and snatches it. The Blooper keeps going and slams into the wall of the harbor. Mario loses a life, but he still has the Shine Sprite.
Mario: Please, FLUDD...when do I get out of here?
FLUDD: Next episode. Now what happens when you listen to me?
Mario: Either I accomplish my goal effortlessly or I die a humiliating death.
FLUDD: Good. You catch on quickly. Now go face Shadow Mario.