Hello all, I'm never 100 happy with anything I write, but I think and hope this chapter will do its job. Thank you thank you to everyone who has read my stories and a very special thanks to those who leave me long rambling reviews. I'd really really like feedback on this chapter to know how I did.
The song is Irvine, from Kelly Clarkson's My December. It's a beautiful song that instantly made me think of Lucas and Peyton and I just had to add it in here at the last second. I generally think songs in fics can be kind of cheesy sometimes, but I'm a big cheese, so there you go...
Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you're here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay 'till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me
"So, I take it from the look on Mama Lucas's face that the news is true," Rachel said, as she slid into the booth across from Brooke, who immediately shushed her. They turned to look at the pale woman who seemed to be moving on autopilot, ignoring all the stares and whispers of her patrons.
It had been over a week since the news of Mayor Scott's shocking confession and the two women, newly returned from New York were definitely still feeling aftershocks throughout the town.
When Brooke had arrived home, it was to the familiar sight of Lucas laid out upon the bed, drinking scotch, and staring off into space. She had sighed and looked at him sadly.
"I'm home," she'd said uselessly. Liquid blue eyes found her and then skittered away, before he'd stood up and announced he was going for a run. It was activity and she would have been hopeful had there been anything behind his eyes that told her he was still in there.
She could usually find something, anger, pain, a great deal of guilt. Those were strange things to hold onto, strange things to feel positive about. But when someone is spiraling the drain, you hold onto whatever emotion there is left. Guilt, pain, anger, they all take effort. With nothing behind his eyes now….
"He's not even trying anymore," Brooke rasped.
"What?" Rachel furrowed her brows at her friend. Brooke swiped quickly at her eyes.
"Lucas. He's gone, Rachel…and it's my fault."
"Brooke you didn't hand him the bottle. He had a choice."
"He didn't have a choice that night," Brooke mumbled. Silence fell over the two women. Neither of them had spoken of it in several years, although it hung over them everyday.
While in New York, companies had taken great interest in her fashion-line. But Brooke couldn't bring herself to accept any of the offers made. She had made a silent commitment to herself and to Lucas to make up for the betrayal. She thought she could make him happy. Not only had she failed miserably, but she had ended up stalling her own life even as Lucas's was circling the drain. And she was going down with him….
"What can I get you two?"
"Karen?"
The haggard woman looked up from her notepad in a daze. "Brooke! Oh my. I'm sorry. I'm just a little distracted."
"Don't worry about it," Brooke waved off her apology. "How are you doing in all this?"
Karen shook her head and shrugged, wiping her eyes discreetly. She looked far older than her forty-one years. "I'm falling apart. I made a mistake and spent years blaming someone for something that wasn't their fault."
"Lucas?"
Karen nodded quickly. "All that time wasted. How is he?"
Brooke bristled, unsure of how much she should lie. Karen had been calling all week, but Lucas refused to take any of her or Nathan and Haley's calls.
Yet another thing that worried her. Lucas bore Haley and Nathan's visits before, now he was having her lie to them and tell them he wasn't home. He was cutting himself off from everyone, including her.
Karen read the struggle going on in the young woman's face, could see that Brooke looked as emotionally beaten down as she did.
"Has he…always been this bad?"
Brooke nodded slowly. "But you two are together. You've been together," Karen asked, with slight confusion. Again, Brooke nodded, feeling a blush of shame paint her face. Knowing she couldn't make Lucas happy was bad enough, but to have his mother who only wished for him a woman who to take care of him, see that she was failing was humiliating. Both women's minds wandered to a certain curly haired blonde.
"So what can I get you two?"
"Just a cup of hot water and lemon for me," Brooke replied, somberly.
"Make that two and the cobb salad with a side of french fries," Rachel said, cringing internally at the amount of negativity surrounding her.
"I'll be right back. It was good to see you Brooke," Karen said, offering her a small smile. "Take care of yourself."
They watched her walk off, the word, "yourself" echoing in Brooke's ear. She couldn't take care of him, she thought, sadly. I can't do this anymore.
Rachel had opened her mouth to break the choking silence, but Brooke beat her to it.
"I'm going to tell Lucas about what we did," she blurted.
Rachel gapped at her momentarily. That was the last thing she expected to hear from the brunette. "What? After all this time, why now?"
Brooke shook her head. "Because…because I don't want to live with this guilt anymore. Because, I never realized that this was him without her. I don't want this anymore, Rachel," she broke off, feeling frustrated tears burn her eyes.
"I don't want it for me," she cried. "And I don't want it for him. I love him, still. I do, and maybe that's part of what kept me quiet. He's going to hate me, and then he'll leave me and I'll be alone, but he's dying Rach. And I don't want his death on my head. I don't want to be this person anymore. I'm done being angry and I'm done being bitter."
Rachel spoke slowly, aware of the fragile nature of the woman sitting before her. "While that's very noble of you and what I've been telling you to do for years, how will this change anything for him? He's practically a zombie. It might be too little too late."
"Don't say that! He just needs something to fight for and….maybe if he knows what Peyton saw, what she thought-thinks, he'll have something to fight for again."
"Do you even know where Peyton is? She could be married with five kids for all we know. And him knowing doesn't change what Peyton saw with her own eyes and the fact that she still thinks he's a lying man-whore."
Brooke shook her head, her mind going a mile a minute. "You're right. You're right, maybe…I should find Peyton first-"
"Um, Brooke…," Rachel gasped.
Brooke went on as though she didn't say anything, pale hope springing to life and a plan formed in her mind. "Haley and Nathan still talk to her, I think. I'll ask them. I'll find her."
"How do you know this will work, Brooke," Rachel asked, gently. Brooke sighed finally.
Why is it so hard?
Why can't you just take me?
I don't have much to go
Before I fade completely
"I don't know Rachel. I don't know how I'll find her or if she'll even listen to me, but she's the only person who can get through to him, now. I have to try because we can't keep going the way we're going. He can't, and neither can I."
Dear Peyton,
Do you remember that day we hid out in the library and I asked to tell me about a good day? You told me about the snow fort you built with Brooke and then after you kissed me, you asked me to tell you about a good day. I felt you slipping away from me, like I feel you slipping away from me now, even as I watch you now, radiant and sleeping only a foot away from me.
You were begging me to give you something to hold onto. And I needed that hold as much as you did. I chose that day, the summer before, when we hopped in your comet and took off down the coast with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Do you remember that? We sang Queen all the way down and all the way back. I rambled on to you about the whole summer before you lost consciousness. All of it, even the bad days when we pissed each other off. Even the worst days with you were the best, Peyt because I was with you.
You are my good day, Peyton.
He had been ducking their phone calls for over a week, had Brooke tell them he wasn't home when they came by to see him. He didn't want to listen to Karen apologize again. It was a betrayal that would take years for him to even begin to forgive her for.
When he had received the call, from one of the reporters at the newspaper he hadn't been surprised at all. That day had stayed with him for many reasons. A day like that always does. But one of those reasons had been his feeling funny about the idea of Jimmy killing Keith. It was something he'd pushed to the back of his mind though, in the wake of prom and everything else that happened subsequently.
Hearing the news made him feel two things. Sick and Guilt, sick to think that his mother had been sharing her bed with a murderer, that a killer had been breathing free air while Keith rotted in the ground and guilt for not having listened to his gut and investigated what really happened that day. He wasn't sure that it would have done any good. Lucas was used to feeling useless. He couldn't keep Peyton, he couldn't make Brooke happy, he couldn't get his book published, he couldn't go a day without a drink.
He hated the person he saw staring back at him, the few times he looked in the mirror. He wasn't an idiot. He knew exactly what he was doing. While Haley and Nathan and Brooke seemed to think he was spinning out of control, he was in complete control of the wheel. He wanted to watch his life fall apart piece by piece, because that was how he felt. It was only a matter of time before the physical caught up with what was left inside, and that was nothing.
Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine
He felt himself slipping away, felt his time drawing short. He knew it because he'd begun looking backwards upon his life, not the bad parts that haunted him everyday, but the good days. In those last moments of life it's what a person did.
He left his apartment and began walking, aimlessly, his thoughts solely with her, despite all of the mess his life had become. Part of him hoped she was happy and safe. Part of him hoped she was lost without him too and he hated himself even more for thinking so selfishly. She deserved to be happy after all the pain he'd caused her and it was a lot.
He found himself in front of Nathan and Haley's house, strangely enough. Why he had come here after avoiding them all week was beyond him, but the momentum of life seemed to be propelling him forward towards places of comfort even when he felt himself unworthy of those luxuries.
Family, love, safety, there was no place for him there, he thought as he stood in front of the home he'd once wished for himself and for Peyton.
He felt like an intruder as he wandered towards the back, drawn by the sounds of Jamie's laughter.
How are you so strong?
What's it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me
He stood back watching, his tired body weaving slightly on his feet.
He didn't intend on talking to any of them. He just wanted to see something beautiful again before the darkness took him.
"Uncle Luke!"
He stepped back quickly, Jamie's outburst shaking him out of his trance. Dammit. Haley and Nathan had stood and were looking at him and he had no choice but to propel himself forward.
"Hey J-Luke," he greeted, forcing a smile upon his face as the little boy raced over to him. Haley and Nathan stood back a bit, watching their son interact with his uncle carefully.
"That was a huge cannon-ball there. Good form."
"Thanks! I'm not a baby like Keith," Jamie said, puffing up his little chest, and comparing himself to the only other baby he knew. Lucas's brows crinkled in confusion, as Haley gasped behind them.
"Who's Keith?"
"Jamie, why don't you go inside with daddy," Haley said, but the child continued on hoping to draw his uncle into a conversation as he always tried to do when Lucas was around.
"Peyton and Jake's baby. He can't do cannon balls like I can…."
Speaking of…..
Are you there watching me?
Lucas felt like he'd been hit with one-no three. His eyes shot up to Nathan and Haley who both seemed to be holding their breath.
"Peyton and Jake…They have a baby?" His voice disturbingly quiet. And there it was. The last bit of hope he had unknowingly been holding onto-disappeared in that moment.
As I lie here on this floor
Nathan spoke up quickly, intending fully on telling Lucas the truth, "Peyton had a baby, Luke but…"
His brother had gone pale and the chill that went down Nathan's spine wouldn't leave him. "Peyton and Jake are together," Lucas murmured, almost to himself, feeling the last of his spirit leave him. He stepped away when Haley tried to reach out to grab his arm.
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
"Lucas listen to me," Haley cried, reaching for him again, but Lucas took another large step back and before they could speak again, he'd turned and raced out of the gate.
"Uncle Luke?" Jamie called, in confusion. Haley was already halfway out the gate herself, yelling at Nathan to stay with Jamie.
"Tell him, Haley!" Nathan shouted, desperately after her.
Cry with me tonight
Oh God, oh God, oh God, she screamed at herself as she looked left, then right to figure out which way Lucas had gone. She should have told him sooner, she thought as she ran. He needed something to believe in again, he needed something to hold onto and she's let him down in the worst possible way.
It didn't take her long to find him at the River Court, panting hands in his hair looking around wildly for something to hold onto.
"Lucas! Please listen to me," she cried, trying to grab a hold of his arms as he paced aimlessly, back and forth.
"It should have been me," he whimpered to himself. "It's not fair. It should have been me."
"Lucas, Lucas you don't understand-It is you! Lucas please," she begged him to listen, growing more frightened by the second. She'd never seen him this way before. He was almost manic, a chilling change from the lifeless zombie he'd been for over three years.
"She said she didn't know how to be without me," he cried, without hearing her, his face awash with tears. "We made love and she said-But I don't know how to be without her."
"Lucas!"
"It should have been me Haley! It should have be-"
"Lucas?"
"Oh God," he gasped, grasping his chest as his heart began to speed up. He'd forgotten how much it hurt. He'd been waiting patiently for it, but the pain surprised him, and calmed him.
"Lucas?!" Haley screamed, trying to hold onto him as he began to collapse, scrambling in her pocket for her cell phone.
"LUCAS STAY WITH ME!"
Are you there?
But her cries and her hysterical 911 call slowly began to fade out. He wanted to tell her it was alright. He'd been waiting for this. There was a full bottle of his heart medication in a sock drawer to prove it. This was the end of the road. This was his stop. He hoped the ambulance took its time because this was what he'd been waiting for….
Are you watching me?
Oblivion. Nothing. And silence.
It's official. Writing fanfiction is way more fun than studying for stupid French quizzes. Tell all your friends...Then leave a review and tell me how I did.