FLUDD: I am very impressed, Mario. Even one with a skull as thick as yours can prevail.
Mario's hand twitches as he stands on the cliff of Noki Bay. Part of him wants to hurl the source of his pain and misery over the cliff and walk away. Part of him tells him that it's not such a good idea. He stares at the water, thinking about it.
Mario: You know what? Who cares? Evil like you shouldn't exist anyway.
He takes FLUDD off his back and walks to the edge.
Mario: Never mind. I changed my mind. No, wait...you should die...but...yes, I'll...no, that would kill...but I want to....
Noki: Dude, are you okay?
Mario: Of course I'm okay. Peachy. Now, back to the situation at hand--
Noki: Okay, just making sure. [eyes Mario strangely before walking away]
FLUDD: Now you're not only a dumb maniac who goes around killing things, but you're a schizophrenic dumb manic who goes around killing things. The bottom of the barrel has just grown deeper.
Mario: You live for today, FLUDD.
Mario puts FLUDD back on and walks away.
Narrator with Overly Dramatic Voice: Such was Mario's first day in Noki Bay. He narrowly avoided ending both his misery and his life and chose to walk away, saving the lives of thousands. He is essentially an outlaw; he has threatened the innocent park-goers at Pinna Island, escaped from prison, and broke the rules to someone who broke them first. No one knows he is also the madman who killed the Sand Bird and wiped out half the marine life around Isle Delfino.
Mario: Eh tu, Narrator?
Narrator: [still using the dramatic voice] I merely read the script, Mario. Now, our favorite plumber-slash-outlaw continues his mission. First he uncorked the waterfall to clean the water.
The scene switches to a flashback at the top of the waterfall.
Monty Mole: Back off or I'll kill her! [holds a gun up to a woman's head]
Mario: [wearing sunglasses and a black leather jacket and speaking in a voice reminiscent of the Narrator] My father always had a saying. He said to me, 'Be careful what you wish for, Junior, because you might just get it.' You have what some might call a death wish. So I'll tell you the words my father said again: Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it."
Monty Mole: You think I won't do it? Huh? Is that it? You think polluting the water was the end of it? Well, you're wrong! [cocks the gun]
Mario: Go ahead. Make my day.
The Monty Mole prepares to fire, but Mario pulls out his gun and shoots the Monty Mole six times in the chest. He lets go of the woman, stumbles around and, in dramatic fashion, falls off the edge and tumbles into the water below. Mario stands on the edge and blows the smoke from his gun.
Narrator: [using his dramatic voice, as ever] Okay, so it didn't quite happen like that....
Monty Mole: Go away! I'm busy!
Mario: Hey...I remember you...yeah, you were at Pinna Park! You were shooting Bullet Bills around the island!
Monty Mole: I thought your face looked familiar...nice to see you again, buddy! I've got a present for you!
He throws a Bob-Omb at Mario. Mario catches it, screams, and runs around in circles. He accidentally trips and throws the Bob-Omb at the Monty Mole.
Monty Mole: Oh crap....
The Monty Mole and his cannon blow up. Mario looks up and realizes he's alive.
Mario: I live! He threw a Bob-Omb at me and I lived! I could kiss this ground!
FLUDD: Do it. I dare you to.
Mario kisses the ground. FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper. When Mario lifts his face up, only his mouth isn't covered in foam.
Mario: It was worth it. How do I get that cork out of the waterfall?
FLUDD: You jump on it and pull it out.
Mario: Oh, yeah, right. You're lying again, aren't you?
FLUDD: Do you see any other way of getting it out?
Mario shrugs and does what FLUDD says. He almost doesn't make it to the cork when he jumps. He hangs on for dear life, shrieking like a banshee.
FLUDD: You're safe, Mario. You're not falling.
Mario: [peeks open an eye] Ah, I see. Might as well pull myself up, then.
Mario stands on the cork, then grabs onto the edges and pulls with all his might. It slides out inch by inch. Finally, it pops out and goes flying miles away. Mario is still on it.
Mario: Normally my heart would be racing, but I think I left it behind!!!
In Delfino Plaza, a crowd has gathered around a statue and a Pianta speaking in front of it.
Pianta Speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is something few other eyes have seen! This statue, named "Man of the Wilderness," was found deep at the bottom of the ocean! After decades of hard search, we have finally found the statue! The statue is worth approximately eighteen billion coins and, according to history, took about two and a half years to make--
A giant cork and a red-and-blue-clad plumber crash into the statue, shaking the whole plaza. The statue shatters into a thousand pieces. The cork rolls some distance away and finally comes to a stop. Mario gets off it, shaking head to toe, barely able to walk right. The Pianta speaker stares at the statue's shards in disbelief.
Mario: What a ride...don't think I wanna do that again....
FLUDD: As soon as your eyes focus, maybe you should look at the scene before you.
After a few minutes, the million Piantas that appeared to be there turn out to actually be about fifty. He notices the slabs of rock lying on the ground.
Mario: Hey, is anyone gonna clean that up? It makes this place look messy.
Pianta Woman: Hey, isn't that the man who claimed he had a gun at Pinna Park?
Pianta Man: Yeah, it looks just like him!
Pianta Speaker: Sir, do you know what you just did?
Mario: Nah, not really.
Pianta Speaker: WELL, YOU'LL NEVER LIVE TO FIND OUT!!!
Mario takes off running, the Pianta hot on his heels. He heads for the beam of light that will take him to Noki Bay.
Pianta Speaker: MY WHOLE LIFE! MY WHOLE FUTURE, DESTROYED IN SECONDS! SINCE I WAS SIXTEEN, I HELPED LOOK FOR THAT STATUE, AND AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS--
Mario: Well, pardon me for being the one to try and clean Noki Bay!
Pianta Speaker: ALL THAT HISTORY! ALL THAT MONEY!! GONE!
Mario: I just can't do anything right, can I?
FLUDD: Nope.
Narrator: It took nearly half an hour, but he finally lost the Pianta and went back to Noki Bay to continue his adventure. To his horror, he discovered that--
Mario: The water is still dirty! I did all that for nothing!
FLUDD: It helped. Go see that old Noki over there.
Noki Teacher: Who're you calling old, you rusty piece of junk!?
FLUDD: Looks who's talking.
Noki Teacher: At least I have brains, not AI!
Mario: I believe FLUDD has met his match.
Noki Teacher: Anywho, welcome back, youngster! Thank you for uncorking that waterfall! Now, if I can trick--I mean, ask you to enter those ruins over there!
Mario: You mean the one with ancient hieroglyphics depicting men getting their throats slit and people falling to their dooms?
Noki Teacher: The very one! I want you to explore it!
Mario: And why should I do that?
Noki Teacher: There's a treasure at the end of it! You want treasure, don't you? Huh? Don't you?
FLUDD: It's a Shine Sprite, Mario.
Mario: You mean that Shine Sprite inside that cave at the bottom of the ruins over there?
Noki Teacher: Shoot, so there really is a treasure?
Mario: What was that?
Noki Teacher: Oh, nothing, pay me no mind, just mumbling to myself...so, why not enter those ruins and get a crushing--I mean, a Shine Sprite?
Mario: [looks at the Noki Teacher suspiciously] Um, okay....
Narrator: It was very long and very difficult....
Mario: Hey, sweet! I found a secret tunnel!
Mario enters the tunnel in the wall and gets attacked by a kangaroo with boxing gloves. His screams and shouts are heard as the camera zooms away.
Narrator: And then there were the parts where the walls pushed him off the edge....
Mario: I can wall jump up this shaft! One, two--GAH! I failed again! Man, this is so annoying!
Mario kicks the wall in his frustration. The wall comes forward and knocks him off the edge.
Mario: I'm sorry I did that! HELP!!
Mario falls in slow motion. The camera views him from above as he grabs the air in front of him repeatedly, eyes wide. Dramatic music plays. The speed returns to normal, and he falls into a small pool of water.
Mario: I'm wet.
FLUDD: I think we can all see that. Why don't you stop stating the obvious and get to work?
Narrator: But eventually, he reached the top, where he discovered his archenemy....
Mario: Oh, not you again!
Gooper Blooper: BLUH BLOO BLEE BLAH BLUB!!
Mario: How about we settle this like the men--uh, and squids--that we are?
Gooper Blooper looks at Mario with a fierce expression as if to say yes.
Mario: You know what this means, right?
Gooper Blooper grunts in agreement.
Mario: It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-duel!!!
Mario and Gooper Blooper whip out their Yu-Gi-Oh cards from nowhere and start playing. They lay their cards down and start to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-duel.
Many exaggerated facial expressions and Blue Eyes White Yoshis later....
Mario: No...this...this isn't possible...I can't believe it....
FLUDD: Surprisingly, it is true, Mario. You have won.
Mario: MY FIRST YU-GI-OH VICTORY! YES!!!
Gooper Blooper throws down his cards in disgust and leaves. Mario hops down the shaft it was blocking.
Mario: Hey, look! The Shine Sprite!
Mario lands beside it rather than on it, splatting into the ground and leaving a human-shaped print in the ground. He unpeels and re-inflates himself, then grabs the Shine Sprite.
Narrator: And now that all that junk is out of the way, we get to where Mario has left off...on episode 3, unaware of the terrible plot unfolding before him....
Noki Teacher: [spitefully] So you survived, did you?
Mario: Huh?
Noki Teacher: I mean...you survived and got the treasure! Congratulations! Kudos to you! Now, I think I have deduced the problem with the water! It lies at the bottom of the bay. A giant eel has a very dirty mouth!
Mario: So why doesn't he clean it?
Noki Teacher: That's a good question! Which is why you should be the one who goes and does it! And for that, you must practice.
He hands Mario a glass helmet.
Mario: This is a fish bowl.
Noki Teacher: Yes, but it works!
Mario: With the fish still in it.
Noki Teacher: Put it on! Put it on!
Mario hesitantly puts it on his head, dumping the water and the fish all over him. He glares at the Noki Teacher, who from here on will be known as NT.
NT: I have found just the training course for you!
NT pulls out a bottle from behind him and sets it in between them. Mario stares at it in disbelief.
Mario: And I am supposed to get inside there how?
NT: Well, I'm sure it's a tight squeeze, but you can do it, alright!
Mario: I don't know that I--
NT grabs Mario and tries to squeeze him in. Mario shouts, panics, and tries to pull his head back out, but NT wins and shoves him all the way in. Mario opens his eyes and finds himself shrunken inside the bottle.
Mario: There is no logical explanation for this.
NT, who appears to be roughly three hundred times the size of Mario, shakes the bottle wildly.
NT: IS IT WORKING ALRIGHT!?!?!
Mario: Not so loud! I can't cover my ears!
NT: Great, now be a good boy and DROWN BEFORE YOU CAN FIND THE EIGHT RED COINS!! AHAHAHAHA!!!
Mario: This guy is a psychopath!
FLUDD: Your only shot at survival is to find the red coins before your air supply runs out. Oh, and I would beware of the man-eating fish and the currents that sweep you around.
Mario: That makes me feel so much better, doesn't it? Well, where are they?
FLUDD: Take a look around.
Mario sees some shining red dots around the bottle. He decides that using the Hover Nozzle would be the best choice. He starts to hover up but goes out of control and rockets around the bottle.
Mario: I can't see!
FLUDD: Stop using my Hover Nozzle then!
Mario lets go and finds that five of the red coins have already been collected. He breathes a sigh of relief.
NT: What? Impossible! My well-devised scheme isn't working!
Mario sinks to the bottom and walks slowly through the water.
Mario: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for Mario!
FLUDD: Mario, you do understand that your air supply is running out, right?
Mario: Ah, jeez, it is. And this bowl kinda smells like fish poo.
Mario gets two more red coins, leaving one left.
NT: This is impossible! He's actually doing it! Well, I guess I'd better nip it in the bud! So long, Mario!
NT grabs the bottle by the neck and smashes it into the ground. Glass and water go flying everywhere. Mario sits, dazed, on the ground, still one inch high. He takes the fish bowl, which has a crack, off his head.
NT: When I'm through with you, no one will know where the man with the overalls went!
Mario screams and narrowly dodges NT's thumb, jumping out of the way just in time.
Mario: Quick! Where's the last red coin!?
FLUDD: You might want to try that red object getting closer and closer to the edge.
Mario runs in slow motion towards the red coin, arms outstretched. NT raises his foot and brings it down on Mario. Mario is now stuck on the bottom of his shoe.
NT: That should teach you to--hey, where'd he go? He disappeared!
Mario: Psst...hey, FLUDD! How do I get out of this?
FLUDD: If you hadn't taken one small step for man, you might have gotten the last red coin in time.
Mario: I didn't ask you that! I asked how to get off the bottom of his shoe!
NT: Where's that voice coming from!?! Who's there!?!
FLUDD: Because I don't want to spend life stuck on the bottom of his shoe...use my Hover Nozzle.
Mario uses the Hover Nozzle and detaches himself from the shoe. He lands in front of the red coin and grabs it just before it falls over the edge.
Mario: So long, Mr. Psychopath! I'm getting out of here!
The Shine Sprite appears on the other side of the rock. Mario's hope fades.
NT: Oh, so there you are! Still alive, are you?
Mario makes a run for the Shine Sprite. He jumps out of the way of his foot and narrowly avoids getting caught in his hand. NT bends down and blows at him. To Mario, it's like an F5 tornado has just descended. He gets blown to the edge and struggles to hold on.
Mario: What now, FLUDD?
NT's Student: Master? What are you doing?
NT: Go away! I'm busy!
NT's Student: It looked like you were blowing and yelling at an ant. I'm just wondering if maybe you've finally crossed the line like we all thought you would--
NT: Like who all thought I would!?! Are you saying everyone thinks I'm crazy!?!
Mario: Frankly, I KNOW you are!
In the distraction, Mario has ran back to the Shine Sprite and seized it. He waves goodbye to NT and disappears.
Back in Delfino Plaza, Mario is normal sized.
Mario: Well, that was...very interesting.
Pianta Speaker: Hey! It's Mr. Life Ruiner again! I'm going to kill you, you jerk!
Mario takes off running again as the Pianta Speaker gives him the biggest workout of his life. FLUDD watches from Mario's back with amusement.