Mario: [while running for his life] You guys have got it all wrong! The whole Man of the Wilderness thing was a complete accident! And the Sand Bird fiasco? I never intended that!

Pianta #1: Oh, so you DID kill the Sand Bird, did you?

Mario: Kinda sorta maybe a little bit!

Mario rounds a corner for the umpteenth time and slips on the wet pavement. He goes sliding into a building, stars dancing above his head. His vision upside-down, he sees an army of Piantas rushing at him. As soon as he recovers from his heart attack, he leaps to his feet and climbs up the nearest building.

Mario: FLUDD, can Piantas climb?

FLUDD: Don't worry. You're safe up here.

Mario: Really?

FLUDD: No. You're going to die.

Mario screams at the top of his lungs and cries like a baby. He is snapped back to his senses when a wrench is thrown at him. Wiping away his tears, he runs up the nearby tower, inching along the wall so that he doesn't fall off. A toolbox explodes next to his head, showering him with tools. A coconut hits him in the face, obscuring his vision with white.

Mario: FLUDD? Am I in heaven? All I see is white.

FLUDD: Yes. All is well. When you take the mask off your face and look down, you'll see a choir of angels singing. It's a beautiful sight.

Mario: Cool! I wanna see!

Mario takes the coconut off his face and looks down - four stories below where a mob is shouting obscenities at him and demanding his head. When he recovers from his second heart attack, he grabs FLUDD by the nozzle and squeezes, gritting his teeth.

FLUDD: What are you attempting to do? Choke me?

Mario: If it'll make me feel better! Why can't you ever be supportive for once? I'm half-standing on air!

A helicopter flies up to the building, turning to the side to reveal a sniper. Mario ducks to avoid being shot and narrowly dodges a bullet. Next he sees a tank rolling towards him down below. It stops and slowly raises its nose up. Before Mario can shout "Holy POW Block!" as loud as he can, the roof above him is demolished.

Mario: Why are they so anxious to kill me?

FLUDD: It might have been that foolish comment about you killing the Sand Bird. Want me to add to the list of things you've done?

Mario: No thank you. I'll be lucky to have my limbs ripped off at this rate. [raising his voice] Listen, my Pianta friends! I have something important to say!

Pianta #36: Then say it!

Mario: Well, I -

Pianta #36: Good enough! Let's kill him!

Mario: No, wait! I'll admit it - I destroyed the Man of the Wilderness. I killed the Sand Bird. I destroyed the fish around Pinna Island. All of that was an accident! I had no control over what happened, and if I did, there was no way I could have predicted what would happen next!

Pianta #36: Yeah, sure, let's believe the guy who polluted our whole island! That makes sense!

Mario: Speaking of making sense, don't you guys ever think? Doesn't it seem strange that the island became polluted BEFORE I arrived?

Pianta #27: Come to think of it...

Pianta #5: He's right!

FLUDD: Did you just use basic logic, Mario?

Mario: Believe it or not, yes, I have an IQ! [turning back to the mob] And Shadow Mario! He's blue! I'm normal! How many of you need glasses to figure that out?

Every Pianta raises its hand. Mario does his best to ignore them.

Mario: So the point is, everybody makes mistakes! I didn't mean for any of that stuff to happen, and I'm truly sorry that it did! But I have some missions - to clean up this island, to gain back the Shine Sprites, and to rescue a princess that won't freaking accept any adequate security measures! I've chosen to embrace my sense of duty and help the inhabitants of this island! And now I ask you to embrace forgiveness and mercy! I come to you in complete and total contrition!

The Piantas burst into tears. The sniper, crying, falls out of the helicopter, but nobody notices.

Pianta #12: [hugging Pianta #24] I'm sorry I made you eat a slug when you were 5!

Pianta #39: I'm sorry, Jeremy! I actually did steal your McBob-Omb's toy and hid it under my couch!

Mario sighs at the scene below him. He's off the hook.

FLUDD: "I've chosen to embrace my sense of duty"? Need I remind you that the government forced you into service and you've complained ever since?

Mario: Well, don't tell them that.

FLUDD: At any rate, you need to get into Sirena Beach, so I suggest getting a move on.

Nodding, Mario turns and walks away, straight off the edge of the building. He activates his Hover Nozzle on instinct, which makes him plummet faster into the ground. Every living creature within a ten mile radius looks up and wonders what that exploding sound was. Birds, startled, fly off of trees. A plume of smoke rises from Delfino Plaza.

Cannon Pianta: Wasn't me this time.

Mario opens his eyes. He has stopped falling with his head inches away from a stalagmite. Looking up, he sees numerous holes leading up to the surface about a mile away. He stands up carefully to avoid impaling himself on the stalagmite and straightens up. To his left, a man with a neat hairdo and extravagant clothing stares at him in surprise.

Elvis Presley: Good graveh! Shomebody'sh dishcovered mah hideout!

Mario: Elvis! I knew you weren't dead!

Elvis hastily grabs a few bags and takes off running down the cave. Mario frowns, disappointed that he didn't get an autograph. Shrugging, he climbs all the way back to the surface and pops his head out the first giant hole.

Mario: [brushing a spider off of him] Eew. So, where are we going next? That big building with the fruit on it?

FLUDD: Yes, but you can't enter it with your own abilities.

Mario: Crap! Then how do I get in?

Shadow Mario: I have conveniently shown up with a Yoshi egg!

Mario: What a shocking coincidence! Perhaps this young Yoshi's powers will help me through to Sirena Beach!

Mario takes off down Delfino Plaza in pursuit of the shadowy perpetrator, spraying water at him. Shadow Mario pulls off some fancy moves in slow motion and flips up to a building. Mario attempts to do the same thing but misses the building and lands headfirst in a bucket. After yanking his head out, he wisely climbs up a ladder and continues the chase. He shoots several streams of water at Shadow Mario, who leans back and dodges them in slow motion.

Mario: When did he get this good? And more importantly, when did I get this bad?

Mario runs up to him and throws several punches and kicks. Shadow Mario blocks them all and pushes him back, then hops off the building and runs away. Mario jumps off, lands on his belly, and continues the chase despite his aching stomach.

Shadow Mario: Ha! With my new training, you'll never stop me! I've become better than you, Mario, face it! You're just a -

Whatever Shadow Mario was about to say next is lost as he falls down the hole Mario had created earlier, dropping the egg off to the side. After many agonizing seconds, a crash is heard, accompanied by a cry of "Mah goodnesh, what do you want nao, boi?"

Mario: All the training didn't help him there. Alright, Yoshi, wake up!

The egg stirs a little bit. Rather than hatching, a thought bubble appears.

Mario: With my new Hypothetical Object Seer ability, I can see this thought bubble! It's got a coconut in it! Do you want a coconut, boy? Just hang tight!

Mario runs off to the market and looks at the selection. Seeing a coconut, he grabs one and starts to run off.

Stand Owner: Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy! Aren't you forgetting something?

Mario stops and stares at the Stand Owner curiously.

Stand Owner: Payment, maybe?

Mario: You mean you actually have to pay for food that people work hard to supply?

Stand Owner: [nodding slowly with a sarcastic smile] Yeah, now pay up.

Mario: [holding the coconut protectively] It's for a good cause.

Stand Owner: I don't care if it's going to cure cancer! You take it, you pay for it!

Mario: [sighing] How much does it cost?

Stand Owner: 15 coins. Do you have it or not?

Mario: 15 coins? You can climb up any palm tree and pluck a coconut out for free!

Stand Owner: Alright, so here's how it works. The trees are infested with killer ants, snakes, and the occasional monkey. Fighting through all that, you've got to detach one or more coconuts with one arm, and the tree's residents don't always like that. So while you're fighting off a horde of Delfino Wasps, you slide back down the tree and run for your life, where the coconut is then cleaned into something that doesn't poison you when you eat it. Then you go out and repeat the process. The least you could do is support our effort!

Rolling his eyes, Mario pulls out 15 coins and throws them in a jar.

Stand Owner: Thank you. The coconut is now yours.

Mario walks back to the Yoshi egg and holds the coconut in front of it. However, to his surprise, the Yoshi's thought bubble has changed to a durian.

Mario: What? I thought you wanted a coconut!

When the Yoshi egg doesn't respond, Mario drops the coconut in disgust and seeks out a durian lying underneath a house. He attempts to pick it up but cuts himself.

Mario: Great! How do I get this over to the egg?

FLUDD: You have to kick it.

Mario kicks the durian with a small bit of force. The durian goes flying away at blinding speed, ricocheting off the buildings until it hits Mario square between the eyes. Mario throws himself on the ground and slams the pavement with his limbs.

Mario: OW! IT'S STUCK! IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD! GET IT OUT!

FLUDD: That part's up to you. No matter how you do it, it'll be painful.

Grimacing, Mario reaches up and grabs the durian, pulling it out. The points of the durian stick through his fingers, leaving Mario to mouth obscenities and curses silently. While it's still in his hands (quite literally), he runs to the Yoshi egg and drops the durian.

Mario: There, I nearly killed myself to get you some food! Durians aren't even supposed to be that spiky!

The Yoshi egg shows happiness, then creates another thought bubble.

Mario: What? A cheesy children's action figure? Why can't you just hatch already?

Knowing there's no other way, Mario walks off to the nearest store, grumbling. Placing his hands on the counter and leaning in, he glares at the cashier.

Mario: Do you have any Limited Edition action figures of Adolescent Distorted Karate Koopas? Please tell me you do, because my life will be made much harder if you don't.

Cashier: I get that a lot. Which one do you want?

Mario: The best of them all! Picasso!

Cashier: I'll be back in a second.

The cashier disappears into the store for a few moments and soon returns with a little plastic snarling Koopa wielding a pair of kamas.

Mario: How much is this gonna cost me?

Cashier: Well, most Adolescent Distorted Karate Koopas are 8 coins.

Mario: Great. Here's your -

Cashier: But since this is a Limited Edition, that cranks it up to 20 coins.

Mario: 20 coins for a little toy? Alright, fine, here's your -

Cashier: And since we're one of the only stores that still has one of the few remaining Limited Edition Picasso action figures, the real price would be around 42 coins.

Mario: Jeez laweez!

Cashier: Plus tax.

Mario: Is that all?

Cashier: Yup. That comes up to 43 coins.

Mario slams the coins on the table, takes the action figure, and leaves. Back at the Yoshi egg, he sets Picasso on top of the shell.

Mario: There, happy? NOW will you hatch?

The egg bounces up and down for joy. A few seconds pass with nothing happening. Mario finally thinks the Yoshi will hatch. To his chagrin, however, another thought bubble appears.

Mario: What? Skyward Sword? That game hasn't even been released yet!

The egg repeats the image, this time with a frowny face.

Mario: Look, if I knew where to get it, I would, but the fact is if it ain't made, it ain't made!

The thought bubble repeats itself, this time ten times as large and accompanied by hundreds of frowny faces. Growling, Mario stomps off and stops the nearest Pianta.

Mario: Hey, would you know where to get a copy of The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword?

Pianta: [snorting] Dude, it hasn't been released yet! I know you're eager, but -

Mario: I also have to save the world, and I can't do that without reaching Sirena Beach! And I can't reach Sirena Beach without finding a way to remove that GINORMOUS pineapple from the pipe on that building! And that way involves buying Skyward Sword!

Pianta: Whatever you say, man. But hey, are you serious?

Mario: Dead serious.

Pianta: Well...there is ONE way, and it's not foolproof, and personally I wouldn't attempt it if you threatened to light me on fire and send me into the nearest bomb factory, but there's a way.

Mario: Honestly? I'm starting to think I'll never get to Sirena Beach!

Pianta: Well, you could just WALK there.

Mario: On second thought, let's hear that way of yours.

Some time later, Mario finds himself in a manor, sitting at a table in a dimly lit room. Piantas dressed in trench coats guard the exit, and an aging Pianta in a business suit sits across from him. Mario licks his lips. Perhaps this was not the best idea after all.

Aging Pianta: [talking in a high-pitched, wheezy voice] It is fortunate that you come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding, as I am in high spirits. Now, what is it you ask of me?

Mario: Uh, yeah...you're Marlon Pianto, right?

Marlon Pianto nods slowly.

Mario: Right...well, the thing is this: I have to get to Sirena Beach quickly. There's a pipe on a building that'll take me there, but a giant pineapple's stuck in it. You believe that? A giant pineapple?

When nobody in the room laughs, Mario hesitantly resumes his request.

Mario: Well, a Yoshi should, in theory, get rid of it, but the Yoshi egg I've found isn't cooperating. You see, it wants...it wants a copy of Skyward Sword, even though it hasn't been released yet. And I heard through the grapevine that you, you know, get such things through certain channels. So, I'm requesting it.

Marlon Pianto: What will you give me in return?

Mario: Well, what do you want?

Marlon Pianto: Money. Favors. You know what my family likes.

The Pianta guards laugh. Mario finds the situation anything but funny.

Mario: Would 63 coins suffice?

Marlon Pianto laughs.

Marlon Pianto: For the trouble we went through to obtain it? You might as well be bargaining with a brick wall. I start to grow weary of your presence. Gentlemen, will you remove him from the premises?

Mario: Wait! I'm a very influential guy. I can give you all kinds of things, but just don't expect me to do anything...illegal. Is there anything in my power I can get you?

Marlon Pianto: That is an interesting device you have on your back.

Mario: Oh, FLUDD? He kinda helps me in my adventures, but I'm not going to pout if you take him.

FLUDD: Unless I Idiot Stopper you into oblivion.

Mario: There is that.

Marlon Pianto: If you give me this "flood" of yours, I will promise you a copy of a currently unreleased game.

FLUDD: That is an unacceptable trade. You see, if you remove me from Mario's back, I will self-destruct and bury you and your manor underneath a heap of rubble.

Mario: I thought you always wanted to get away from me.

FLUDD: I love to torment you.

Mario: This coming from a machine that claims to have no emotional attachments.

Marlon Pianto: You know, I like that machine's style. Keep your prize, Mario, and I will give you the game copy.

Mario: Seriously? Sweet!

Marlon Pianto: But I require your cap. You see, I have seen your cap several times before, and I must say I am fond of it.

Mario, thunderstruck, removes his cap and passes it across the table. Marlon Pianto lifts the cap up and places it on his head.

Marlon Pianto: A pleasure doing business with you, my friend. Bugsy, go get the game box.

The guard apparently named Bugsy lumbers out of the room and later returns with a plastic box featuring a game disc.

Mario: Wow. How'd you even get this? Wouldn't it be incomplete?

Marlon Pianto: I made them an offer they couldn't refuse.

Mario: Neat! Well, I'm out of here!

Bugsy: Don't feel like you gotta come back.

Nodding his "thanks" to him, Mario leaves the manor as fast as possible. Outside the manor gate, he bends over and wipes his brow.

Mario: It's a shame I lost one of my hats, but no biggie.

Mario pulls out another hat from his overalls and puts it on.

Mario: I learned from Super Mario 64! Now I carry spares!

FLUDD: Why don't you give the Yoshi egg its game disc and shut up?

Ignoring FLUDD's comment, Mario walks back to the egg and lays the transparent box before it.

Mario: I finally got it for you. And hey...when you're done with it, can I play it?

A thought bubble featuring a huge frowny face appears. Dismayed, Mario stands back, waiting for the egg to hatch. Rather than hatching, it simply explodes, showering him with yolk and eggshell. After Mario wipes the yolk from his eyes, he sees a purple Yoshi.

Mario: Hey, buddy! Glad you hatched!

Yoshi: [in a voice that sounds filled with helium] Wow, the world is so big! And I can't wait to play the game you got me!

Mario: Yeah, just bear in mind it'll probably have a lot of bugs and glitches -

Yoshi: Bugs? I like bugs!

Mario: How do you know so much when you haven't even been outside your egg?

Yoshi: Because I knooooow thiiiiings...

Mario: Fine by me. [hopping on Yoshi's back] Well, take me to that big pineapple!

Yoshi and Mario travel up to the building and stand in front of the pipe. Wanting Yoshi to slurp with his tongue, Mario smacks the back of his head. When Yoshi doesn't do anything, he keeps smacking. Yoshi grabs him, throws him on the roof beneath him, and holds him by the throat.

Yoshi: Now you listen, you oversized, mustached, ignorant little meatball. I'll carry you, I'll spit juice for you, and I'll even eat things that give me indigestion. But if you ever, and I mean EVER, treat me like some dumb dinosaur that requires physical stimulation to get a drift, you will quickly find yourself at the bottom of a body of water marked for man-eating fish. Do you understand me?

Mario: None of the other Yoshis I rode gave me this speech!

Yoshi: DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Mario: Alright, alright, yes! I get it!

Yoshi: Good.

Yoshi throws Mario back into his saddle. Mario, more than a little shaken, mumbles for Yoshi to get rid of the pineapple.

Yoshi: This is gonna hurt, but because you asked so nicely, I'll do it just for you.

Cracking his knuckles, Yoshi leans back and lashes out with his tongue, dragging the giant pineapple into his mouth. His belly instantly swells to the size of a couch, and the pineapple's leafy top can be seen jutting out. Groaning and squirming, Yoshi works to crush the fruit inside of him. Many cracks and squelches are heard inside of him. After a minute or two of struggling, Yoshi sits back and sighs.

Yoshi: Wow, I have enough vitamin C to last me for the next couple of decades. Why don't you go on ahead?

Mario: Yeah, thanks. That didn't cause any damage, did it?

Yoshi: Nope, not a problem. I mean, aside from the most excruciating pain one's ever felt in his or her life, no damage at all.

Mario: Yeesh. I'm beginning to doubt Yoshis are the cute, childish little dinosaurs that think about nothing but fruit and love.

Questions whirling through his mind, Mario hops into the pipe, where he is taken to Sirena Beach.