Mario warps out of Sirena Beach and plops in front of the pipe. Birdies fly around in circles above his head. One poops on him, and they all fly away. Mario sits up and stretches.
Mario: Guess I'd better find some massage therapy. I can't go on like this.
FLUDD: Indeed.
Mario: Everything on me aches. This island isn't getting saved by a beat up plumber.
FLUDD: That's right.
Mario: So the best option would be to find a massage therapist and work all the kinks out of me. I'll feel like a million coins when it's all done!
FLUDD: Correct.
Mario: FLUDD, you're not disagreeing with me. Shouldn't you be protesting, telling me to shut up and get back to work?
FLUDD: Oh, you've earned some time off.
Mario glances up at FLUDD suspiciously. Shrugging that feeling of doom off, he hops off the roof, but his overalls get caught on a clothesline. He dangles and struggles for a bit, unable to reach the part his overalls are hooked on. Eventually he hangs limp, too tired to move. A Pianta girl opens the window behind him and stretches her arms out.
Pianta Girl: Another beautiful day! Those clothes have been drying long enough. Guess it's time to do the laundry!
She grabs clothes one by one, finally snatching Mario off the line. He lifts his head up, surprised.
Mario: Huh?
Pianta Girl: Now to start with this...ooh, a new pair of clothes! Mother must have bought this while shopping yesterday! What's this big machine thing? Oh, it looks repulsive!
She detaches FLUDD from Mario and throws him out the window. Mario stares at the open window with horror.
Pianta Girl: I'll admit it looks like the thing some short, Italian plumber would wear - you can even tell by the fake meatball stains on the front of his shirt - but beggars can't be choosers! Perhaps I'll wear it to scare my friends next Halloween!
Mario: Wait, you've got it -
The Pianta Girl doesn't hear him, grabs his head and pushes it down, folding him bit by bit. His cries of pain are covered by her innocent, if loud, singing. In the end, his legs are behind his head, his head is parallel with his chest, and his chest has been folded in half. Completely flat and wrinkle-free, the Pianta Girl picks up her new pair of "clothes" and sets them on the dresser. Mario is too dazed by pain to speak.
Pianta Girl: Wait...if mother went through all the trouble of buying this for me, she must want me to try it on soon! I can't wait to show her!
She grabs Mario off the dresser, unfolds him, and slips her arms into his sleeves. Mario is now riding on her back, half-unconscious. As she goes for the door, she notices something.
Pianta Girl: What's that feeling on the back of my neck? It's almost like someone's breathing on me...
She screams and runs around the room, flailing her arms.
Pianta Girl: EEEEWWW! It smells like old sausage and stale spaghetti sauce! Where did mother get this thing?
Mario: That's about all I eat, baby. I don't shop for weeks.
The Pianta Girl slowly turns around and looks Mario in the face. Their noses touch. Mario still has a dazed, bored expression on his face.
Pianta Girl: GROSS! GET OFF ME, PERVERT!
Mario: I can't! I'm stuck!
She rips Mario from her back with previously unsuspected strength and throws him against the wall. Following are a mirror crashed over his head, a teddy bear to the noggin, and a glove to the face. Finally, she throws Mario back out the window.
Mario: The things that happen to me just because I exist!
He looks up in time to see a dresser flying at him. Before he can scream like the Pianta Girl above him, it flattens him. A few moments later, a group of Piantas gather around him.
Pianta #1: He met little Piantabeth, didn't he?
Pianta #2: Poor dude. Doesn't look like anything more than a plumber. What a miserable life he must have led so far, to have it end at the hands of that brat...
Pianta #1: Looks like the dresser got him.
Pianta #3: No...it was beauty killed the plumber.
FLUDD: Actually, it was more the clothesline that did him in.
Pianta #2: Besides, have you seen that girl? She's spoiled rotten, but I think I'd rather kiss a hamster than her.
Piantabeth: I heard that, you jerk!
Pianta #2 gets flattened by a cabinet.
Pianta #1: And I suppose beauty killed Jeremy, too.
Pianta #3: You could look at it that way.
A muffled scream is heard from inside the dresser. It shakes a few times, then is thrown into the air and shatters on the pavement ten feet away. Mario emerges with a pair of jeans on his head.
Mario: I've had worse done to me! That dresser was nothing!
Pianta #1: Surely you jest.
Mario: No, really.
Pianta #3: There are nun alive who could do something like that.
Mario: But I did.
Pianta #1: I think you're just being a joker.
Mario: Where are all these puns coming from?
FLUDD: I suggest you pick me up and continue with your day, Mario. The day's only getting longer, and you're only getting more humiliated.
Mario nods, making the jeans fall off his head. He doesn't notice and walks over to FLUDD, reattaches him, and asks around for the nearest massage therapist. Once pointed in the right direction, he finds the building and starts walking in. A smiling Pianta passes by him on the way out.
Pianta: Oh, that was just heavenly! It was well worth the money! Are you getting a massage, too?
Mario: Yep. I'm glad to hear you like it, 'cause I need it.
Pianta: Take my advice and pay for the longest period. You won't regret it.
The Pianta walks away humming to himself. Encouraged, Mario walks through the door and greets the receptionist.
Mario: Hi, I'm here for a massage.
Receptionist: What else would you be here for?
Mario: Har har. How much does the longest period cost?
Receptionist: That's 100 coins.
Mario: That's a steep price. I hear it's worth it.
Receptionist: Every coin of it. Do you want it?
Mario: Yeah, I'm really sore.
Mario hands over 100 coins. The receptionist leads him to a "table", where he takes off his shirt and FLUDD and lays down. A Pianta woman with bulging muscles comes in.
Mario: Hi, I'm Mario. I -
Therapist: [cracking her knuckles] Let's get down to business, shall we?
Mario: Yeah, that's cool. Just thought I'd introduce myself first -
His sentence ends in a scream as she punches him in the kidneys. More punches to the back follow. Mario starts to sit up, but she shoves him back down. He flails as she pins him down with one hand and punches him with the other. A Pianta man next to him receiving the same treatment looks over with a warm expression on his face.
Pianta Man: This is so wonderful! It's like a little piece of heaven came down and rested on this shop - even the man over there is screaming from pleasure!
Mario: EASY! GO EASIER - AAAAHHH! I'M NOT AS TOUGH AS YOU PIANTAS!
The therapist doesn't hear him. Finally, she raises both hands above her head and slams them into Mario's back. He goes unconscious for a few seconds. When he wakes up, he hears the therapist speaking to him.
Therapist: Now we're going to warm your body up a little bit. It'll feel real good.
He turns his head groggily and sees the therapist bringing out a flamethrower. His eyes widen and he tries to run away, but she pulls him back.
Therapist: Now, now, I know you're excited, but don't go using that energy to run away. We can't massage you if you're not here.
Mario: That's the point!
She shoots the flamethrower at him, bathing him in fire. He lights up and runs around the building screaming despite the therapist's attempts to stop him. He zips into a back room, going through the glass door, and dives into a nearby pool to put out the flames. Underwater, he exhales in relief. When he opens his eyes, he sees a piranha looking at him. Hundreds more of them gather together and lick their lips collectively. Mario screams and swims to the surface as they bite at him. He jumps out of the pool and smacks them off him. The therapist is waiting for him.
Therapist: Now, now, you're not supposed to get into the Piranha Pool until later in your appointment.
Mario: "Now, now," this! This place is a torture chamber!
Therapist: Of course not! We try to make it as comfortable as possible! The reason you didn't enjoy the Piranha Pool was probably because you're supposed to enter in naked.
Mario: Those things would tear me apart in seconds! You know what, screw this! I don't want to do this anymore!
The receptionist trots into the pool area.
Receptionist: What's the problem?
Therapist: I think he wants to use the "Screwdriver."
Mario: Please tell me that's not another one of your torture machines.
Therapist: Right this way, please.
Receptionist: You should be glad to have Ms. Roxie as your therapist. She's the best we have - always gets to the point rather than chatting around.
Mario: Don't normal massage therapists make you feel, I don't know, good?
The therapist picks Mario up and stuffs him in a metal chair. He tries to get out, but he's stuck. The therapist hits a few buttons, and what looks like a drill activates in front of him.
Mario: Oh my gosh, this IS a torture machine!
Therapist: Now, now, don't go spouting nonsense! It's meant to focus on one area of your body and alleviate all stress!
Mario: I don't see how! It'll go right through me!
The drill begins to move forward towards Mario's shoulder. Mario struggles to get out once more.
Mario: And I can't get out! You've trapped me in here!
Therapist: Now, now, don't blame me for any bad eating habits you've gotten into. You're awfully big for a human.
Mario: Would you stop saying 'now, now'?
The drill comes even closer. It moves very slowly as if to increase suspense.
Mario: Do you intentionally make the drill this slow so victims can see their deaths coming to them? I can't even breathe with my body stuck like this! This is such a terrible way to meet one's end!
Therapist: Perhaps you should eat right, then.
Mario: You use this machine to get information out of people, don't you? You actually work for the government, don't you!
The drill has almost reached Mario's shoulder.
Mario: [grimacing sarcastically] Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: No, Mr. Mario, I expect you to diet.
Mario grabs the drill by the sides and tries pushing it away from him. It doesn't even hinder its progress. He shuts his eyes and turns his head away. The noise of the drill stops.
Hapless Pianta Worker: Oops! I think I tripped over the cord!
Therapist: That's the third time this week!
Hapless Pianta Worker: I know, I'm sorry. I'll plug it back in.
The drill whirs again, but the client is nowhere to be found.
Instead, Mario is wandering the streets of Delfino Plaza, burnt, bruised, and tired from squeezing himself out of the chair in panic. His overalls are ruined, but his shirt is in perfect condition. After buying a new pair of overalls from a store, he sits down on a bench.
Mario: All I wanted was a massage. I feel worse now than when I went in.
FLUDD: True.
Mario: And you knew all this would happen from the start, didn't you?
FLUDD: That is also true. Piantas have a much rougher way of massaging. Their bodies can withstand such pressure.
Mario: Are you aware I could have lost the use of my left shoulder?
FLUDD: Relax. I never would have let it go that far.
Mario: Really? You wouldn't?
FLUDD: Of course not.
Mario walks away smiling.
FLUDD: (The idiot bought it.)
Mario: Hey, look at this! "Delfino Restaurant of Fanciness!" If I can't have a massage, I can at least have some good food!
He runs into the restaurant, ecstatic. The lights are dim, the floor is posh, the male waiters have ponytails, and a fat bald guy is singing opera with his band in the background - all signs of a good restaurant. Mario stops in front of a sign that says "Please linger here until an employee marks a suitable location to relax your leg muscles." After a few moments, a male Pianta with a ponytail directs him to a table in the middle of the floor. Mario sits down, feeling elated.
Waiter: Good evening, sir. My name is Walter.
Mario: Walter the Waiter?
Walter: Yes. I'll be your waiter today. Do you need a few minutes to think about what to order?
Mario: Yes, thank you.
Walter leaves him as Mario opens the menu. He looks at the selection of drinks:
Hot Tea
Iced Tea
Somewhere in the Middle Tea
Coffee
Hot Chocolate
Molten Chocolate (for those looking for a real challenge with their drink)
Lemonade
Pink Lemonade
Orange with Blue Polka Dots Lemonade
Water (for those of you who are boring)
Fountain Drinks:
Mountain Boo
Keenn Greenn
A & W & P & L & T & Y & Another W Root Beer
Dr. Penguin
Chuckola Cola
Mario: Hmm. I'll probably just have Mountain Boo.
Walter: Is that what you've decided on?
Mario: Wow, quick service. Yeah, that'll be my drink.
Walter: Do you need more time for food?
Mario: Not particularly. Do you have any specials going?
Walter: Well, we have a Soup of the Day.
Mario: Really? What is it?
Walter: It consists of Egg Drop Break in Pot Oops Let's Go with it Soup, Beef Vegetable with More Vegetable than Beef, Chicken Soggy Limp Noodle, and Ketchupy Tomato Crap.
Mario: That's quite a selection. Anything, eh, better that you've got?
Walter: Nope. See, this restaurant wouldn't be a fancy restaurant if half the stuff we made didn't taste like refined crap.
Mario: Oh.
Walter: But the other half is amazing. You just have to know which half to choose.
Mario: I don't think I'll go with soup. What do you suggest? What's your favorite?
Walter: Oh, my favorite? The chicken breasts, definitely. They come with broccoli, rice, and rolls.
Mario: Nice. How much is it?
Walter: 20 coins.
Mario: A little pricey, but it must be worth it. I'll take it.
Walter: [nodding and writing it down] Anything else?
Mario: That plate will probably fill me up before I can eat anything else. That's all I'm having.
Walter: Alright, I've got all that. [grabs Mario's menu] Your food should be ready soon.
Mario leans back and drums his fingers along the table. Looking for something to do, he turns to the Pianta eating behind him.
Mario: Hi, I'm Mario. Do you eat here regularly?
Pianta Gentleman: [speaking in a slow, pious voice] My family has eaten here for generations. It is a most delightful place if you have the money.
Mario: Oh, yeah? How often do you eat here?
Pianta Gentleman: Every day for three meals a day.
Mario: Cool thing, cool thing...what are you eating now? Looks good.
Pianta Gentleman: This is the restaurant's famous ham steak. I get it every time I eat dinner here.
Mario: I might try some myself. Think you'd be willing to spare a piece?
Pianta Gentleman: Frankly, my dear, I don't give my ham.
Mario: I wonder if our readers will even recognize half the movie references in this chapter?
Pianta Gentleman: Now please, do not speak to me any longer. I do not like to be associated with lower-class overalls-wearing rubes such as you.
The Pianta Gentleman's nose literally turns up on his face. A little perturbed, Mario looks around, trying to find another conversation starter and attempting to act more sophisticated.
Mario: So, uh, you're at a table for three. Are you expecting anybody...sir?
Pianta Gentleman: [not turning back to Mario] I am expecting my sister, Piantamaria. I was also expecting her daughter, Piantabeth, but an incident seems to have happened earlier to cause her to lock herself in her room.
Obviously not wanted and trying to avoid an inquiry into why Piantabeth is acting the way she is, Mario turns back to his table and waits for his food in silence. Twenty minutes later, a steaming plate is put before him. In the center are two perfectly round lumps set beside each other.
Mario: What are these?
Walter: Those are the chicken breasts.
Mario: Oh, right...sorry, I know I ordered them, but I just wasn't expecting something quite as...to the letter.
Walter: You probably won't like our butt steak, then.
Mario: Well, thanks for the meal. That'll be all for now.
Walter walks away. Mario pushes the chicken breasts away from him and focuses on eating the rest of his food.
Mario: It's not the end of the world. At least there's no fruit on the plate. [turning up to FLUDD] You know how you get a fruit like pineapple or cherries on your plate, and the fruit juice spreads out and dominates the plate just like Alexander the Great dominated the middle east? That's the worst.
FLUDD: You mean like this?
FLUDD squirts a bit of water onto the plate. Slowly it spreads out until it touches all the food and makes it soggy.
Mario: You're also the worst, FLUDD.
FLUDD: Always happy to aggravate.
Mario: And you told me you couldn't fire on your own! Don't tell me that was another lie!
FLUDD: It was a tiny one. When I really want to, I can fire a bit of water on my own.
Mario: What about that stupid defense system thing you activated when we first met?
FLUDD: That was merely a stupid defense system thing.
Mario: What about your Idiot Stopper?
FLUDD: That is foam, not water, strictly speaking.
Mario: I guess I have no choice but to eat soggy food now.
Mario finishes the rest of his food and pays the cashier near the door. All things considering, the experience was not worth the money.
Mario: Everyone on this island is crazy.
FLUDD: They say people hang out with people dumber than they are in order to look smarter.
Mario: That wasn't my reason for coming here.
FLUDD: Your next mission is back in Sirena Beach. Get going before I bombard you with foam.
Mumbling, Mario runs off, heading back to the pipe on the rooftop.