Narrator: Mario landed back in Sirena Beach, filled with determination and chicken breast, and prepared to tackle Episode 2.
Mario: [seeing a Pianta wearing a shirt that says "Episode 2"] Hey! There he is! Get him!
Mario dives into the Pianta. A minor scuffle begins but ends when FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper.
Narrator: After tackling Episode 2, Mario decided to tackle Episode 2 in the metaphorical sense. He sought out an old acquaintance of his, the owner of Hotel Delfino, who shared a disturbing tale with him...
Hotel Owner: My pet leech is dead. It was eaten by the man in Room 112.
Mario: Gross. Well, can I take a look inside your hotel? That's where I'm supposed to go, right, FLUDD?
FLUDD: Indeed. I think I'm going to enjoy this one.
Mario: Huh?
Hotel Owner: Normally I'd let you inside the hotel, but there's a slight problem. You see, it's filled...with ghosts!
Snobby Pianta Woman: What do you mean, it's filled with ghosts? Take care of it!
Dumb Pianta Man: Huh? What? The hotel has ghosts in it? Does this mean dinner is cancelled?
Hotel Owner: And these two are providing additional problems.
Mario: I see. Would you, eh, like me to call the Ghostbusters?
Hotel Owner: Well, I thought about it, but I realized there's an even better solution to this problem.
Mario: Even better?
Hotel Owner: Yep. I'm going to send you in to deal with all of them!
Mario: Hold on just a minute, I don't -
Hotel Owner: That's right, why send in seasoned professionals when I can just sucker some random plumber with nothing but a talking water device on his back to deal with them?
Mario: This is crazy!
Hotel Owner: Now, now, I won't take no for an answer! In you go!
Mario is thrown inside the hotel and lands on his face. The doors shut behind him. He stands up slowly and looks around. Nothing seems to be amiss.
Boo: Hi, man.
Mario shrieks and backs up. Before him is a Boo, eyes half-closed, tongue hanging out of his mouth.
Boo: Dude, wassher problem?
Another Boo with long hair floats onto the scene.
Another Boo: Ahh, this place is gnarly, man, ahalhalhalhal.
Boo: Tubular, dude!
Another Boo: Way cool.
Boo: Awesome!
Another Boo: Groovy!
Boo: Mundo!
Another Boo: ...What the heck is mundo?
Boo: What the heck is tubular? It's just a phrase, man!
Mario: Ahem...
Both Boos: Whuh?
Mario: I apologize for interrupting this deep and thought-provoking conversation, but I must ask you to leave the building.
Another Boo: Aw, man, you for real?
Mario: Yes, I know. Orders are orders. After all, by removing you, a get a nice Shine Sprite...
Boo: This is stupid! Why can't everyone just have peace? We've all got to love one another!
Mario: Eh. Sorry. Love one another outside.
Mario approaches the Boos and reaches out to escort them. They immediately slump to the ground, unmoving. Mario attempts to pick them up, but they're heavier than their transparent bodies would suggest. He heaves and tugs and pulls, but the Boos will not cooperate.
Twenty minutes later, both Boos are taken care of. Mario slaps his hands together and walks further into the hotel. Dozens of Boos hover around the central pillar in the lobby. At the top of the pillar is a statue shaped like a Boo.
Mario: And how am I supposed to get up there?
FLUDD: Spray the pink Boos with water to turn them into platforms, then expertly hop up to them and enter the statue at the top through the mouth.
Mario: And how was I supposed to figure that out?
FLUDD: Because everything in this game begins and ends with water.
Mario: And how do I know that Boo statue won't just eat me when I get up to the top?
FLUDD: You don't.
Mario grumbles and complies. He occasionally misses a platform and falls into the pool of water at the bottom, screaming in Italian. Finally, he reaches the top and enters in through the mouth of the Boo statue. The statue closes its mouth, swallows, and belches. Game over.
But for the sake of convenience, Mario will regain his lost life and continue on through the Secret level.
Mario: Platforms that appear and disappear at random? Sounds dangerous! But I'll be okay, because I have a secret of my own up my sleeve.
FLUDD: A secret? And that would be?
Mario: I'm actually Spider-Man. He wears red and blue, I wear red and blue, we're both geniuses...doesn't it make sense?
FLUDD: ...The first one does.
Mario: See? I knew you'd agree. Now, to breeze through this with panache!
Mario runs forward, whooping. He does a front flip in the air, lands on his face, and tumbles off the side of the platform before it even begins to disappear. After losing a life, he lands back at the beginning.
Mario: That's the cool thing about video games. No matter how often you die, there's always an extra life or save point to back you up. That sort of thing would help a lot on my dates...
FLUDD: Well done, Peter Pasta.
Mario: I thought if I just jumped through this so easily, you'd believe me. Besides, I have no problem flipping around in my other games. It's just this one, for some reason.
FLUDD: Yes. In this game, you are very particular about being stupid.
Mario: Well, nobody's perfect. I wasn't in the last games, and I'm not now. Ever since the day I received the Jump Curse...
FLUDD: The Jump Curse?
Mario: Yeah. It all started shortly after "Donkey Kong." I'd just rescued Pauline from an ape who's not even named Donkey Kong, and I was feeling pretty smug with myself, like I could take on anything. One night, I decided to put an urban legend to the test. With the lights turned off, walking in my pajamas, I went to the bathroom and closed the door. I stared intently into the mirror. My heart thudded in my ears. And then, quietly, gently, I said, "I do believe in Bloody Birdo."
FLUDD: And what happened?
Mario: A pink image slowly formed in the mirror. Staring back at me was a hideous creature, covered head to toe in egg yolk. She said, "Why have you summoned me? I sense in the future that you will face me as a boss in a game that doesn't even take place because it's all an elaborate dream cooked up by eating too much pizza at midnight." Then she reached out and grabbed me by the shoulder. The yolk ran down my side. It was warm. She then told me, "I don't do squat for short, fat guys who dream about evil toad-like creatures taking over alternate dimensions. Henceforth, whenever you try to jump, you will occasionally fail for no reason and plummet into a one billion-foot cliff."
FLUDD: So that's where it came from.
Mario: It's haunted Mario players ever since.
FLUDD: Enough talking. You must complete this level and obtain the Shine Sprite.
Mario: Gotcha. It's time to go by my other name: Solid Snake! After all, he's got facial hair, I've got facial hair, and, uh...he eats rations, and I eat...
FLUDD: Fungus.
Mario: Hey, let's face it, even rations have expiration dates. So, back to the battlefield!
Twenty-six lives later, Mario gets the Shine Sprite. Shortly thereafter, he returns to Sirena Beach at FLUDD's behest. His mission this time is...
Hotel Owner: I have no idea what your mission this time is.
Mario: What?
Hotel Owner: Oh, but feel free to come in, run around, and scare all our customers. We need a cheap thrill every now and then.
Mario shrugs and wanders in. The place is, as far as he can tell, normal. With nothing else to do, he decides to go swimming at the indoor pool. He arrives there and discovers something shocking.
Mario: Whoa! Look at that!
A Shine Sprite hovers above the near-empty waters of the pool. A Pianta stands at the pool entrance and prevents him from going in.
Pool Guy: Hold on, now! You can't go in without proper swimwear!
Mario tears off his clothes and stands in only his heart boxer shorts.
Pool Guy: Well, even if you have swimwear, the pool's not filled with enough water for swimming.
Mario taps FLUDD's water tanks.
Pool Guy: Look, pal, you're not getting in, okay?
Mario: Have you considered looking behind you? There's a Shine Sprite in there that needs to rejoin its fellow brothers at the Shine Tower!
Pool Guy: You honestly expect me to believe that? And who's making that annoying jingling sound? It's getting on my nerves!
Mario: That's the Shine Sprite! Please, I need it to save the world and leave the island!
Pool Guy: You're not pulling a fast one on THIS Pianta. I'm ready for every little lawbreaker that comes my way!
Mario: Just turn around! That's all I ask! How hard is it to rotate your body 180 degrees?
Pool Guy: Not a chance! I've been standing in this doorway for so long, I've forgotten how to change directions!
Mario mutters under his breath and walks away. Without watching where he's going, he steps onto an unstable tile and falls into the room below, landing on his stomach. After wheezing like a sick dolphin for eighteen seconds, he sits up and looks around. A TV plays in the next room over.
TV: And now, let's get back to "Die Hard: The G-Rated Version."
Bruce Willis: Are you ready to be severely wounded, you bad person?
Professor Snape: Sacred defecation!
Bruce Willis and Professor Snape tumble over the edge of the building and hang on for dear life. Professor Snape falls off in slow motion, hands grasping at thin air. However, a safety net catches him at the bottom, and the cast gets together and sings "We're All Corporate Businessmen in the End." The credits roll with a Hilary Duff song playing in the background.
Mario, meanwhile, sneaks past the Pianta woman watching the movie eagerly and sits in front of a painting of a sea at sunset. He sighs and gazes on it admiringly. FLUDD's words randomly float across his mind:
Imaginary FLUDD: Everything in this game begins and ends with water.
Mario glances at the Pianta woman to make sure she's not looking and sprays the painting with water. A picture of a Boo slowly appears. Uncomfortably reminded of his encounter with Bloody Birdo, Mario backs up.
FLUDD: Touch the painting, Mario. Become one with it.
Mario shudders, but stands up and walks to the painting. He raises his hand up and slowly touches the picture. To his surprise, his hand goes through. On the other side of the painting...
Noki #1: I know, this brilliant masterpiece of a painting, The Sweeping Meadow, is worth at least two million coins, but I'm offering it to you for one million, five hundred thousand. What do you say?
Noki #2: I like it. Not a bad price for such a piece.
Noki #1: Exactly! Doesn't art like this just reach out and grab you?
Mario's hand slowly appears through the painting and grabs onto Noki #2's shirt collar. Noki #2 promptly punches Noki #1 and storms out of the room.
Noki #1: What... Huh... I was just...
Noki #1 faints. Mario steps in seconds later.
Mario: Now that was unnerving. Where to now, FLUDD?
FLUDD: You must find an alternative route to the pool. Direct entry will not work.
Mario: I guess I should just go through that door over there, then.
FLUDD: That will get you nowhere. The doors are designed to always lock to outsiders, so you can't get back in. However, the hotel's numerous other flaws provide other ways around.
Mario: And this is a 4-star hotel?
FLUDD: 3-star.
Mario: I'm surprised it has that many. So, where do I go?
FLUDD: Oh, just kind of explore around a bit.
Mario's not sure how far he can get in such a small room. He searches around the room. Thankfully, the couple in bed are asleep. Fifteen minutes later, Mario comes to a conclusion.
Mario: I don't know what I'm looking for!
FLUDD: Well, that's too bad. Keep searching.
Mario looks up to gather his thoughts and notices a loose tile in the ceiling. More architectural flaws. The only way he can think of getting up there is by bouncing on the bed. He steps onto the bed and bounces up and down a couple of times to get the feel of it. He prepares to make his one big jump and steps on the Noki woman's leg. She lets out a bloodcurdling scream, waking her husband beside her.
Noki Man: AHH! Who are you?
The two scream and hug each other. Mario holds his hands up defensively.
Mario: Look, this isn't what it seems. I just need to borrow your bed for a few moments. Just a second or two, alright? Then you can get back to your bed. Please stop screaming. The hotel's going to think I'm a homicidal maniac or something.
Noki Woman: Are you?
FLUDD: Yes.
The Nokis scream even louder. Before any more trouble can occur, Mario bounces up and whacks his head on the ceiling. After recovering, he tries again and makes it through the hole.
Mario: Thanks a lot, FLUDD.
FLUDD: You're welcome.
Mario: Go grab a dictionary and look up the word "sarcasm," FLUDD.
A brief period of silence passes between them.
FLUDD: Do you want to test me, Mario?
Mario: No, I'll just be on my way. Am I supposed to find another random exit in this room, too?
FLUDD: Indeed. Exiting through the door is currently forbidden. It will merely take you back to square one.
Mario snoops around for a bit. He starts thinking deductively.
Mario: Well, if each room's puzzle is like the last, then if I can find a common thread... [snaps his fingers] Ah! Boos and structural design flaws! If I can find objects with those elements in common, I should be fine!
This line of reasoning carries him rather well. He finds his way through a closet in one room, a window in another, and a bookcase in the next. However, the strain of the puzzles weighs on his sanity. He bursts into the next room, eyes bloodshot, stubble growing on his face. He leans in towards a Noki reading a newspaper.
Mario: Ghosts and holes! Have you seen a ghost or a hole anywhere?
Noki: How'd you get into my room?
Mario: Ah! I see it! The swirl of cream in the middle of your coffee, when the left and right sides are reversed and the bottom edge is cut off, vaguely resembles a Boo! The secret is in this coffee!
Noki: Hey!
Mario: Ghost and holes! Hosts and goles! Ahahahahahaha!
Mario accidentally pours the coffee in his eye while inspecting it. He runs screaming through the wall on his right, falling into the next room. A Pianta woman sitting at the edge of her bed shrieks. Mario, one eye closed, crawls to her.
Mario: Your purse! Inside this purse is undeniably a portal to the other side of the hotel! I can feel it in my bones!
Pianta Woman: Stay away from me!
Mario: SPAGHETTI SAUCE IS RED! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mario tears through her purse, scattering items across the room. The Pianta Woman backs up and continues shrieking. Mario places the purse over his head and looks around.
Mario: This purse has a distinct, leathery smell...just like the cook working in the kitchen on the bottom floor! I must pursue my objective! Your handbag has aided me much!
The insane plumber dashes out of the room, breaking FLUDD's rules about not using the doors, and trips over the railing that creates a balcony looking onto the first floor. Mario lands in the pool of water. His sanity returns to him. He looks around and notices a man standing at the juice bar.
Nicolas Cage: ...So if my theory is correct, the treasure should be located five stories beneath this building, under the men's bathroom...
Mario: Hey, Nicolas Cage! I need some help finding something!
Nicolas Cage: Hmm?
Mario runs up to Nicolas Cage and stands in front of him.
Mario: There's a Shine Sprite in the pool room of this hotel, but a Pianta won't let me in through the main entrance. I need to find some other way of getting in there. That Shine Sprite is really important!
Nicolas Cage: All rooms must have at least two entrances or exits, whether it's man-made, natural, or you have to force yourself in. The trick here is circumventing the most obvious entrance and thinking outside the box.
Mario: Wow. That's brilliant.
Nicolas Cage: Do you remember the Pianta who wouldn't let you into the pool? What color pants was he wearing?
Mario: Uh, green, I think...
Nicolas Cage: Green...the color of palm tree leaves and grass skirts...the favorite color of the hotel's original owner! [reaching into his pants pocket] Here, take a look at this coin. Noticing anything strange?
Mario: [leaning over] No.
Nicolas Cage: [flips the coin over] What about now?
Mario: Still no.
Nicolas Cage: See the Pianta in the top-left corner? That's the original owner of Hotel Delfino.
Mario: Uh-huh.
Nicolas Cage: His left eye is partially closed. Almost as if he's trying to tell us something.
Mario: That a rival hotel owner poked him in the eye?
Nicolas Cage: But more than that, I think he's trying to send us a message from beyond death. He got into a bicycle accident in the year 1970 which briefly injured his left eye. 1970 was the cost of Pineapple-O's, the cereal he used to eat for every meal.
Mario: A box of cereal cost 1,970 coins?
Nicolas Cage: No, it's a decimal number. 19.70. The zero can be counted out, making it 19.7
Mario: That's still expensive for a box of cereal.
Nicolas Cage: I would think so, too, but he's missing a button on his shirt. Since, in his image on the coin, the shirt line slants up to the right, we know the equation is placed horizontally. He's missing the second-to-last button. He must want us to carry the decimal point over to the left by one, which would make the price of cereal 1.97.
Mario: So?
Nicolas Cage: Which means the hidden way into the pool is down in the food storage room! An entire room is dedicated to conserving pineapples in memory of Vladimir van Pianta, the first hotel owner. If you go down there, you should find something.
Mario: Wow! Thanks, Nicolas Cage! You're the best!
Mario dashes off and asks the nearest employee where the food storage room is. He gets pointed in the right direction and gleefully skips to the storage room door. When he tries to open the door, he finds it locked. Too excited to worry about customs, he kicks the door open and barges in. Boxes and crates litter the room. Mario takes a quick look around and finds nothing. Still not dissuaded, he grabs the nearest pineapple and walks out.
Employee: Dude, did you just kick that door down?
Mario ignores him and walks past. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a Yoshi egg on the floor.
Juice Bar Pianta: I just don't understand this random egg that appeared out of nowhere. What's it doing here, and why is it incessantly demanding a pineapple? I don't even carry pineapples, and despite my knowledge of fruit and the building, I don't know where to get one!
Mario: Found one.
Juice Bar Pianta: Huh? Really?
Mario drops the pineapple next to the Yoshi egg, which hatches immediately.
Yoshi: Nice to see you again, Mario.
Mario: You're the same Yoshi I met from before?
Yoshi: Walk with me.
Stunned, Mario complies and strides beside the orange dinosaur. They head for the stairs and stop in the first landing.
Yoshi: Are you being followed?
Mario: What? No.
Yoshi: How many people here know your face?
Mario: Quite a few, I guess. Why does it matter?
Yoshi: Listen, I stuck myself back into an egg and had myself delivered to the hotel so I could get in without raising too many questions.
Mario: That guy running the juice bar was sure interested.
Yoshi pins Mario to the wall, arm to neck.
Yoshi: This is no time for jokes now. This is serious.
Mario: Gotcha. Can I breathe now?
Yoshi lowers Mario back down and crosses his arms.
Yoshi: I'm not just a random Yoshi. I'm a member of E.G.G., the Extreme Guardian Group. I was tasked to keep tabs on Shadow Mario, but things got too hot, so I sat in an egg and tried to remain inconspicuous. Unfortunately, Shadow Mario found me first. If you hadn't stopped him, E.G.G. probably would have lost another member. You have my thanks for that.
Mario: So what was that huge list of personal favors for?
Yoshi slowly raises his fist. When Mario quails, he puts it back down.
Yoshi: Something's not right in this hotel. There are ghosts all around, the service is crap, the bathrooms smell like roasting feet with a fan turned on them, and the hotel owner is keeping leeches as pets.
Mario: I have to admit the second and third ones aren't right, but what about the ghosts? And why is the hotel owner raising leeches?
Yoshi: I don't know. Probably another conspiracy on the part of Shadow Mario... But a more pressing concern is the Shine Sprite in the pool. Have you got anything more in that department?
Mario: [shrugs] Well, I found you.
Yoshi: [sighs] You have a lot to learn, my unobservant friend. I'll help you get into the pool, but I'm leaving after that. I still have my mission on Shadow Mario to fulfill, but if I think you'll need my help, I'll be sure to arrive in egg form.
Mario: Uh. Wow. Thanks.
Yoshi: Now hush up and get on my back. We're going to the pool.
Mario: You know of another way in?
Yoshi: If you're going to work with E.G.G., you've gotta learn not to ask questions. Just trust me and do as I say.
Mario rides him up to the third floor and reenters the pool room entrance. Nobody else is around except the guy guarding the pool.
Pool Guy: Hey! I thought I told you to get lost!
Mario: I did. Then I got found again. It's difficult to stay one or the other.
Pool Guy: Oh, so now you're wise-cracking, eh?
Yoshi: Cool it. He's with me. Now let us into the pool. It's important.
Pool Guy: I swear, first this obnoxious jingle sound behind me, then the fat mustache, and now some orange Barney lookalike -
Yoshi pulls a gun out of nowhere and sticks it underneath the Pool Guy's chin.
Yoshi: I didn't catch all of that, and I don't want to. [wiggles the gun under the Pool Guy's chin] Do you know what this is? It's a YE800, also called the Rotten Egg. It's silent, high-powered...designed to kill in one easy motion. And after you float around the pool for a bit, I can eat you and spare the cleanup team the body disposal part of the job. No one will know what happened to you.
Pool Guy: Why are you so desperate to get in?
Yoshi: Why are you so desperate to keep us out?
Mario: Yeah, what he said!
Yoshi: Shut up, Mario.
Mario: Yeah, what he said!
Yoshi: If you don't stop being annoying, I can always strap you to a chair and force you to play Link and the Faces of Evil for eight hours straight. Things really would get boring around here.
Pool Guy: Alright, alright! I'll tell you why I don't let anybody into the pool. When I was little, I always wanted to go swimming at the local pool. But every time I got there, my favorite spot to sit in was taken. And the one time it was available? The lifeguard told me to get up and move! [begins to sob] Just because I sat on her little brother doesn't mean I should give up my right to choose my seat! It was so unfair! [gritting his teeth] And ever since that day, I've vowed to rob everybody else of their pool time! If I couldn't have fun at the pool, neither can they! I bided my time, became a member of this hotel, all so I could stand at the pool entrance. I won't stop until all pools have dried up from neglect and nobody can swim anymore!
Mario and Yoshi stare at him in silence for twenty seconds.
Yoshi: Maybe I should just shoot him and be done with it.
Mario: Put the poor dude out of his misery.
Pool Guy: What? No! My mission is not finished yet!
Yoshi: Tell you what: I'll spare you if you turn around and look at the pool.
The Pool Guy, after an inner struggle, slowly turns around and looks at the Shine Sprite floating above the pool. His eyes widen.
Pool Guy: What have I done? I nearly doomed the whole world to annihilation by preventing that Shine Sprite from being obtained! [falls to his knees and covers his face] I'm such a disgrace to Piantas everywhere! AND I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO WALK!
Yoshi steps over the Pool Guy and splashes into the pool.
Yoshi: There. You don't need to ask questions. Just do as I say.
Mario: Fine by me. With brains of Nicolas Cage and the brawn of Yoshi, I can overcome anything!
FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper.
Mario: And the brutality of FLUDD.
FLUDD: Get the Shine Sprite and get out. I'm especially looking forward to the next episode.
Mario: Uh-oh.