Mario: [strumming on a guitar] A long time ago, me and my brother Luigi here...we was hitchhiking down...a long and lonesome island...when all of a sudden, there shined a Shiny Sprite...in the middle...of the island...AND HE SAID...
Shiny Sprite: Plaaaay the best gaaame in the world, or I'll eat your extra lives!
Mario: So Luigi and I looked at each other, and we each said...okay! So we played the first game that fell in our hands, and it just so happened to be the best game in the world! It was the best game in the world!
FLUDD: Mario!
Mario: What?
FLUDD: I command you to stop making pop culture references and get back to Sirena Beach.
Mario: [sighing and putting his guitar away] Fine. What do I have to expect this time?
FLUDD: You'll find out when you hop in, won't you?
Mario: If it doesn't kill me first.
Mario hops back into the Sirena Beach pipe and warps away. He lands on the shoreline and his jaw instantly hits the sand. All around him, he sees nothing but electric goop.
Mario: What happened here?
Hotel Owner: What DIDN'T happen here? What supernatural being have I offended? What mummy's tomb have my ancestors defiled? I'm cursed, I tell you! Cursed!
Mario: It seems like it at this point.
Pianta Worker: Sir, I have bad news to report. Your pet gerbil choked on its own food, keeled over, and died.
Hotel Owner: Noooo!
Pianta Worker: I'm sorry, sir.
Hotel Owner: Mario, you've gotta help me! We can't clean this up by ourselves! There are customers trapped under the goop! Please, Mario, clean up the stuff before they're all fried like bacon!
Mario: Where?
Hotel Owner: [eyes bulging with rage] WHERE? [grabs Mario by the collar and punches him] EVERYWHERE!
FLUDD: Has my jerkishness rubbed off on you, Mario?
Mario: [massaging his face] Perhaps so. I just spray everything with water, right?
FLUDD: Yes. But if you don't do this in a limited time, you die.
Mario: I die? But they're the ones trapped under the goop!
FLUDD: This game does not explore such adult themes. We would much prefer to sock an Italian plumber with instant death than reference Piantas and Nokis being baked to crisps.
Mario: Oh, that's fair!
FLUDD: I would get going, Mario.
Mario starts running around and spraying water everywhere he can find it. The goop quickly disappears, but the timer also runs down. After clearing the beach, Mario moves up to the garden area.
Pianta Worker: [nonchalantly moving a push broom back and forth] I hate my job.
Mario: I bet you do! Give me some more help here!
Pianta Worker: Hey, I'm doing the best I can.
Mario: You're not even looking at the goop.
Pianta Worker: I hate the colors blue and yellow.
Mario: I'm going to die if this isn't cleaned up before...[checks his watch] a minute and a half is up! Put some elbow grease into it!
Pianta Worker: I am. See?
The Pianta Worker points to his right elbow, where a thick brown liquid is oozing out. Mario grimaces.
Pianta Worker: Here, have some. You seem to be obsessed with it. [starts rubbing it on Mario's shirt] See? Elbow grease.
Mario: That's not what I meant, you lunatic! Put some elbow grease into your LABOR, man. Get away from me!
Mario scampers off while the Pianta Worker mutters to himself. The plumber sprays as much goop as he can find, slowly clearing the hotel area off. He bumps into another Pianta Worker with a push broom.
Another Pianta Worker: Heads up, guy!
Mario: Yeah, thanks for the warning. Aren't you concerned about electrifying the crap out of yourself?
Another Pianta Worker: Oh, no. The soles of my feet are thick enough to dull out the shock. I'm perfectly fine! [trips] Oops!
Lightning crackles underneath the fallen Pianta Worker's body as he howls. Guess the rest of his body isn't as absorbant. Mario feels for him, but his time is getting shorter. He resumes his quest of cleaning Sirena Beach. A Noki pair pops up from the goop, covered in the electrifying stuff.
Noki Man: Holy mackerel! This stuff stings!
Noki Woman: Yes, it certainly is SHOCKING, isn't it?
An obligatory laugh track plays. Mario rolls his eyes.
Noki Man: You have a demented talking water shooter, right? Clean us off!
Mario sprays them down, wiping off the goop. A second later, they jump for joy, sparkling clean again.
Noki Woman: This is wonderful! How can we ever thank you?
Mario: Well, you know, thanks isn't really -
Noki Woman: I know! Here, take this blue coin I found buried in the back of my purse! Maybe when you gather enough of these gosh darned things, you'll get a Shine Sprite from an evil extortionist beaver in a straw hat that holds about a fifth of the island's power source for his own greedy ends!
Mario: Come on, there's no way something like THAT would happen.
FLUDD: One minute left, Mario.
Mario: Right! Thanks for the coin, lady!
Mario takes off and squirts water everywhere. Sirena Beach is nearly cleaned off now. He runs up, panting, to the hotel spot. After a bit more spraying, the Pianta Couple Bratty and Stupid spring up from the goop.
Snobby Pianta Woman: This stuff is nasty, and it shocks! Don't just stare at me, idiot! Do something!
Mario: Okay.
Mario kicks her back into the goop, and she sinks down like a rock in water. He sprays the small bit of goop she's in, bringing her back up.
Snobby Pianta Woman: That was mean, you buffoon! I'm gonna -
The goop spreads and reaches her. She goes down once again. Mario squirts her spot. She pops up and screams at him. The goop catches up to her. This process continues for the next thirty seconds. (You KNOW you've done this at some point or another.)
Dumb Pianta Man: If my wife keeps coming up and sinking through the goop, does that mean it has the power to suck people down?
Mario: Well, what do you think, Prof. Einstein?
FLUDD: Mario, you're going to die in ten seconds.
Mario: Oh, crap! Gotta get back to work!
Mario starts cleaning the rest of the area like a madman. Dumb Pianta Man stands and thinks for a second.
Dumb Pianta Man: Being trapped in that goop wasn't so bad, actually. The goop tasted pretty sweet...kinda like candy. Who would be interested in something like that?
Some distance away, a short man in a bright purple outfit and top hat scoops up some of the goop in a glass container. He stares at it almost insanely.
Willy Wonka: Yes, this is it! This is the new great candy I will create! 38% scrumpdiddilyumptiousness, 22% lightning element, and 40% pure evil! Imagine the ways I can off little kids with this ingenius concoction! Time to open the factory again, boys!
And that is how ShockTarts were made.
Meanwhile, Mario finally completes his mission with 00:014 seconds left. He places his hand on his chest to prevent his heart from beating its way out of his body.
Hotel Owner: Oh, thank you, Mario! You've saved the ten or so customers that reside in this massive formerly-4-star hotel! You're a real hero, Mario!
A Shine Sprite appears as a pigeon poops on the Hotel Owner's shoulder. While the unfortunate Pianta screams at the skies, Mario runs to the Shine Sprite and grabs it.
Back in Delfino Plaza...
Mario: Whew. So that leaves, what, two episodes left to Sirena Beach?
FLUDD: Yes. And then you shall experience eight final episodes of Pianta Village.
Mario: Then what happens?
FLUDD: [camera zooms in] The end.
Mario: Then what happens?
FLUDD: The credits.
Mario: Then what happens?
FLUDD: I kill you with my Idiot Stopper for saying "then what happens" over and over again.
Mario: Then what happens?
FLUDD: I upgrade my hardware, develop limbs, migrate to Vegas, monopolize the casinos, and lead a crime syndicate.
Mario: That WOULD suit you, wouldn't it?
FLUDD: Hop back into the pipe, Moronio. There's someone you need to meet for the umpteenth time in a row.
Mario does as he is told and winds up on the shore of Sirena Beach once more. Without wasting time, he makes his way to the Hotel Owner.
Hotel Owner: You again? But didn't you just come through here?
Mario: Well, what do you think? Did he even remotely look like me?
Hotel Owner: Sure, he was entirely blue, held a giant paintbrush, had glowing red eyes, and sounded like he'd been kicked between the legs by Chun Li. [leans toward Mario] Seems kinda like you.
Mario: Yeah, no. Let me in, I'll take care of this.
The Hotel Owner shrugs and lets Mario in. The hotel sign falls and conks the Hotel Owner on the head. Before he can say anything unseemly in a K-rated story, Mario closes the doors and looks around. His eyes immediately fall on a shiny blue figure at the receptionist's desk.
Receptionist: [speaking like her nose is clamped shut] And that would be...?
Shadow Mario: Mario. SHADOW Mario. I believe I booked a reservation here a few days ago.
Receptionist: Oh, here you are. You're in Room 15 on the second floor.
Shadow Mario: Thank you, ma'am.
Mario: Hey, you no-good, ripoff piece of crap imposter! What do you think you're doing here?
Shadow Mario: Renting a room. Duh.
Mario: Don't you have a place at your hideout or something?
Shadow Mario: How would YOU like to sleep in a bed where the temperature is 150 degrees Fahrenheit, ash fills the air, and lava is constantly dripping into your eyeballs?
Mario: No wonder your eyes are so red.
Shadow Mario: Yeah, exactly. Compare that to a 4-star...I'm sorry, 3-star - hotel and see what conclusions YOU draw.
Mario: Nevertheless, you are my archenemy! I will defeat you in Mortal Kombat as a true Street Fighter should, and I don't care if you're Dead or Alive!
Shadow Mario: Bring it on, rerun!
FLUDD: I said no pop culture references, Mario!
Intense fight music plays as the two duke it out with each other. Whip cracks and sandbag punches are heard with every single move, no matter what they do. Shadow Mario rubs his eye nonchalantly and produces a series of punching sounds.
After a few seconds of fighting, Shadow Mario runs up the stairs. Mario follows him and lands in a fighting stance at the top, looking around wildly. There appear to be seven Shadow Marios in the room. When he steps close to one, it turns into a Boo. He punches it through the head and sends it soaring away. From the corner of his eye, he sees the real Shadow Mario running away. He takes after him, catches up to him, and kicks him through the wall.
On entering the hole in the wall, a musclebound, shirtless Mario finds himself in a room composed entirely of mirrors. It now looks like there are hundreds of Shadow Marios. He walks around cautiously, hands up to react to anything. Something moves behind him, but when he turns around, Shadow Mario slices him across the belly. To make his enemy easier to spot, Mario slams his fist into the nearest mirror. His eyes widen as he holds up his crinkled hand and tears spring to his eyes.
Shadow Mario: Ha ha, loser! I can't believe you -
Mario hears Shadow Mario's voice, turns, and punches him in the gut. The blue clone clutches his stomach and sinks to his feet, mouth hanging open. A Shine Sprite appears in the middle of the room. Mario walks to it and grabs it (creating another whip crack), teleporting out of the level.
Mario: [putting his shirt back on] That oughtta put him down for awhile. There's one more episode of Sirena Beach, right? Then I move on to another place.
FLUDD: Correct. It's time to see you scramble around again.
Mario: That sounds ominous.
Mario returns to Sirena Beach once more and goes to the Hotel Owner, who is massaging a large bump on his head.
Mario: Anything happening today that threatens to kill me in or around this hotel?
Hotel Owner: Not to YOU, no. To the best of my knowledge, the hotel is relatively free of plagues. I, on the other hand...
Mario: Gotcha. [entering the hotel] Then why would there be anything that a Shine Sprite -
Twenty feet in front of him, right in the lobby, is a big red switch. Mario stamps his foot.
Mario: Another one of these things? I die if I don't collect all the red coins in time! How does that happen?
In the corner, a young Japanese man with black hair leans over a book with "Mario" written in it repeatedly. With one hand he begins writing a name in the book, and with his other hand he takes a potato chip and eats it.
Mario: Might as well start the adventure, I suppose. Got to get it over with sometime.
Mario hits the switch and a timer appears on the screen. Gritting his teeth, he runs around the first floor, searching anything and everything for a red coin. He dashes into the girls' bathroom, then comes dashing out just as quickly when screams and a bunch of cosmetics are thrown at him. At least, however, he has a red coin.
His search takes him to the second floor. He grabs a door by the knob, pulls it a few times, then kicks it open. A Noki pair (the same pair FLUDD had told that Mario was a psycopathic killer) yells and shields each other. Mario ignores them and inspects their room, throwing furniture to the side.
Mario: Where is it? Where is the coin?
Noki Man: Look, you can have our coins! Just leave us alone!
Mario: No, I want RED coins! Something bad will happen if I don't get them!
The pair screams louder. Mario decides the red coin isn't in the room with them and bursts into the next room, where a similar routine takes place. He finds his coin and leaves, ducking to avoid a frying pan chucked at his head.
Four minutes later, he has seven of the necessary eight red coins. His time is growing shorter, and the Japanese guy in the lobby is becoming more excited. Mario bounces into the ventilation ducts with only thirty seconds remaining.
Mario: I can make it. I know where the last one is, but I just have to get there before I die!
Ten seconds remain. Mario comes to a stop in a wide area of the ducts and sees a crack in the floor. He stomps his foot into it, falls through, hits a trick tile in the third floor, keeps going, crashes through the second floor, and lands on the last red coin at the bottom. The peaceful music of accomplishment plays, but Mario's back is too destroyed for him to enjoy it properly.
FLUDD: Impressive, Mario. What words do you have to say in commemoration of this event?
Mario: AAAAAAHHH!
FLUDD: Good enough. Now make your way to the lobby. Your Shine Sprite is waiting.
Mario picks himself up on his fingers and toes and slowly marches himself out of the room and into the lobby. It takes him five more minutes to reach the Shine Sprite and another ten minutes before he can stand up and touch it.
Mario: Sirena Beach is done with...yay...what a sense of relief...it can't be too much harder from here, can it?
FLUDD bends his nozzle into an evil smile.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before we leave this emotional triumph of Mario, I want to officially announce the launch of my blog. If you like what you see in Blooper Mario Sunshine, perhaps you should give it a look. More information is in my profile.