Narrator: Mario conquered the trials of Sirena Beach, barely coming out of the ordeal alive. Each mission was more demanding than the last, until the only thing more difficult than what Mario had faced was stopping a ten million ton anvil from dropping on the hotel with his pinky finger. Actually, that's pretty interesting; let's see you do it, Mario.
Mario: No. No. No! Find some other nutcase to perform for you! [thinks for a moment] Steve-O, maybe.
Narrator: I promise you will not go unrewarded.
Mario: What the heck are you supposed to give me in compensation? Do you even have a physical form?
Narrator: [somewhat bitterly] Do you even have a brain? And yet you've come this far, haven't you?
Mario: There's a difference between facing overwhelming odds to save hapless idiots and achieving the physically impossible for no other reason than sport. Unless you'd like to do it first.
Narrator: No, I'm perfectly happy stating the obvious and predetermined from my lofty perch outside the spotlight. [clears his throat] The only challenge left before the intimidating Corona Mountain was Pianta Village, which Mario is soon to find is anything but inviting.
Mario: And how's that?
Narrator: Mario is soon to find it.
Mario: Yes, but let me know in advance so I can prepare for it.
Narrator: When Mario leaves and stops asking dumb questions, he will find the enigmatic answer he seeks.
Mario: I don't want to wait until then.
Narrator: GOSH DANG IT, GO AWAY AND FIND OUT ON YOUR OWN! LEAVE ME ALONE! I ONLY READ WHAT'S IN FRONT OF ME!
Mario grimaces, shrugs, and walks away. He makes his way through town, looking for the entrance to Pianta Village.
Mario: FLUDD, I can't find it.
FLUDD: It took thousands of years for man to invent light bulbs, cars, radios, and planes. I believe if you spend a bit longer than seventeen seconds looking for Pianta Village, you will find what you seek.
Mario: That's what I'm afraid of. I don't want to spend thousands of years looking for the village.
FLUDD: I'm about to make you afraid of something else.
Mario: Just give me a hint.
FLUDD: The entrance to Pianta Village is on this island.
Mario: Something more in-depth.
FLUDD: THE ENTRANCE TO PIANTA VILLAGE IS -
Mario: You're an idiot, FLUDD, you know that?
FLUDD: No, I am devious. There is only one idiot in the surrounding three feet.
Mario starts checking the ground for bugs, hoping to clear his name. FLUDD douses him with the Idiot Stopper to send his point across. Frustrated, Mario stomps off, having absolutely no clue what to do.
Mario: I have absolutely no clue what to do. I've seen giant beams of light, red warp pipes, and random goo, and still no Pianta Village! Am I honestly going to have to walk a whole two miles to my destination? [checks the clock] Actually, it's been a whopping thirty minutes since my last food break. Better chow down.
FLUDD: Do it and I will turn your food so soggy Spongebob would consider himself dry after seeing it.
Mario: You don't even know what I'm going to eat.
FLUDD: Doesn't matter. If you can't recognize it when it turns into a collective matter resembling Yoshi vomit, you're probably not going to eat it.
Mario: And now I've lost my appetite. Curse you, FLUDD!
FLUDD: Speaking of curses, you should get going toward your doom - I mean, Pianta Village on top of the Shine Tower.
Mario: [eyes lighting up] Do you speak truly?
FLUDD: Would I lie?
Mario: It's more a question of whenever you're honest. So all I have to do is climb on top of the Shine Tower, and I'll find the entrance to Pianta Village?
FLUDD: In a Goomnutshell, yes.
Mario: Great! How am I supposed to make it all the way up there? Wishful thinking?
Peter Pan: Hey, works for me.
Mario: Has anyone ever told you you look just like Link?
Shadow Mario: Good thing I have this incredibly-convenient Rocket Nozzle! Gee, if Mario got his greasy palms on this, he'd be able to reach Pianta Village in a heartbeat! Better make sure he doesn't see me with -
Mario: [whirls around] Whuzziss boutta Rocket Nozzle?
Shadow Mario: Dang it! I knew carrying a bright yellow, reflective objective through the most crowded place on the island was a bad idea for discretion! Well, I'll just have to show Mario what I've learned since we last met...
Mario: I'm ready for anything you have to throw at me, Shadow Mario!
Shadow Mario: [points over Mario's shoulder] Look, a really hot chick!
Mario: Where?
Peter Pan: Where?
In the confusion, Shadow Mario scampers off. When Mario realizes his mistake, he takes off after him, spraying him with water. They run all around Delfino Plaza, disturbing the peace and generally annoying everyone within a thousand-foot radius. After a few minutes of this, Shadow Mario stops, turns around, and pulls out a handgun.
Shadow Mario: You know what? This ends here.
Mario: [holding his hands at neck height] Whoa, man, you can't do that.
Shadow Mario: [cocks the gun] Yeah, says who? I've had enough of being humiliated by kiddy little tricks. Spraying water? What's that going to do to me, curdle my underwear? [raises his gun to aim at Mario's forehead] I've decided it's time to upgrade to simpler, more convenient gadgets. Things that sing you to sleep and never let you wake.
Mario: Hey, nearby Pianta! I'm being held up! Help me out somehow!
Nearby Pianta: It's your fault the Shine Sprites left and the sky got all dark!
Mario: I thought we'd discussed that. Besides, he's got a freaking gun! All I allegedly did was vandalize a bit of the island. Is that really worthy of a bullet to the head?
Nearby Pianta: This is your fault! And don't you even look apologetic!
Mario: I'm not looking apologetic, I'm looking like a man about to get brained. What's wrong with you?
Nearby Pianta: Oonull booba noo-noo.
Mario: Pardon?
Nearby Pianta: [jumping up and down] Mackabuh MUUHH humbum!
Mario: Well now you're just being stupid.
Nearby Pianta: Ooo hee hull huh huh!
Shadow Mario shoots the ground by Nearby Pianta's left foot. Nearby Pianta jumps about a foot in the air and falls over into the ocean.
Shadow Mario: Now, where were we? Oh yes, I was taking an unnaturally long time to gloat about your death, giving your allies more than enough time to stop me before I do something irreversible.
A spotted egg rolls off an adjacent roof and conks Shadow Mario in the head. Shadow Mario stands for a moment or two, blinking, then slowly keels over forward. The Rocket Nozzle clatters across the plaza and comes to a stop in front of Mario. When he gathers his bearings again, Mario grabs the nearest fruit the egg is thinking of and throws it at it. The egg hatches and reveals Yoshi.
Mario: Yoshi! You saved me!
Yoshi: I smelled the cry of distress from across the way.
Mario: It has a scent?
Yoshi: Yes, it smells like meatballs and stale spaghetti sauce. [stretches his arms out] Anyway, I'm glad to be of help. You should take that Rocket Nozzle and launch yourself up to the top of the Shine Tower. So long as Shadow Mario has an IQ lower than a grease stain's, he should keep accidentally helping you along. I'll take care of him.
Mario: Are you going to kill him?
Yoshi: No, he and Bowser are like cockroaches: stupid, but impossible to kill. You go on ahead. Don't worry about this.
Mario shrugs, grabs the Rocket Nozzle, and runs to the grassy edge of the Shine Tower. The thing is incredibly large.
Mario: I COULD use the Rocket Nozzle...but, you know, wouldn't it be cooler if I found a way to climb up using only the Hover Nozzle?
FLUDD: You could look at it that way. It should at least be entertaining.
Mario: I'm glad you finally agree with me. Now, to start with a wall jump to get to the first area...
Mario kicks off the side of the Shine Tower and grabs onto the ledge. With strength born of insanity, he pulls himself up and stands beside the enormous Shine Sprite statue.
Mario: Should be pretty easy from here on out. The Hover Nozzle can propel me high enough to reach the outer rim of the top.
Mario wall kicks off the closest wall to give himself some height. His foot slides off the wall and flings him backward into the revolving Shine Sprite statue, which begins to spin. When his heartbeat decreases to below 580 beats a minute, he pries himself off and prepares to try again. He manages to kick off a safe part of the wall and activates his Hover Nozzle. The water pours underneath him as he stretches his hands out. His fingers barely grasp the top...then the water runs out and he plummets. He screams a high-pitched note as he falls upside-down. In his vision, the spiked gate beneath the Shine Tower looms closer at an astonishingly fast rate. Just as his final memory flashes before his eyes, he turns at the last moment and avoids impaling himself. A huge splash of water goes up as he falls into the plaza canal. He floats on his back, staring at the sky blankly.
Nearby Pianta: Hey, you got the ground all wet! Such a trespass should be punishable by Death of Falcon Punch, the most epic death there is!
Mario: What a way to go, huh? [pauses for a moment] Maybe I should just use the Rocket Nozzle.
FLUDD: Because bragging that you climbed a large structure in an unrealistic video game is worth thirty minutes of absolutely nothing, isn't it?
Mario swims back to land and solemnly makes his way back to the Shine Tower. He installs the Rocket Nozzle and blasts to the top in two seconds. Once there, he finds a red pipe, obviously leading to Pianta Village.
Mario: Well, here it is. The genuine entrance to Pianta Village short of taking a five-minute hike. Hold onto your hat, FLUDD, 'cause things are about to heat up!
Mario hops into the pipe and hits a deep puddle of goop. He flails his arms uselessly.
Mario: Okay, hold on, what is this?
It's only then that he notices the "Out of Order" notice on the rim of the pipe. He slams his fist into the goop, spraying muck all over himself.
Mario: Now what?
FLUDD: I suggest you improvise.
Mario: Goop...please work. Please?
No response.
Mario: Fine. I'll just try spraying water - that's always worked for activating these darned things.
Mario uses FLUDD's Squirt Nozzle to dampen the goop. Slowly, ever so slowly, he begins to sink into it like quicksand. His eyes widen dramatically when he realizes what's happening.
Mario: I'm being eaten by a pipe! Somebody help!
A random person throws a plunger into the pipe. It swallows Mario's hat and sticks to his head with a popping sound.
Mario: That's not funny! I'm a plumber and I know better!
He is ultimately consumed by the goop. Twenty minutes later, he materializes on the outskirts of Pianta Village. His face is entirely blue from having to hold his breath. He lets his air out, gasping for precious oxygen.
Mario: What a long ride.
He lifts his head and looks around. For some reason it's night. He sees a bridge in front of him and runs across it, ignoring the obnoxious wind demon enemy thingamabobs that plague him relentlessly. He comes to a stop on the far side, forgetting the wind thing is still following him. It slams into Mario, sending him forward. After muttering a few choice words, he stands back up.
Mayor: Oh, thank goodness you've come! We've been waiting for a - [turns to look at Mario and notices the plunger on his head] Well holy crap! I ordered a hero, not Bozo the Clown! What are you doing here?
Mario: I was just about to ask the same thing. What life-threatening situation is occurring now?
Mayor: Our dear resident has forgotten to lock up the vicious flaming Chain Chomplets again.
Mario: Who, that guy?
The camera turns to a twelve-foot tall bearded man in a grubby coat.
Mayor: No, Hagrid's Blast-Ended Skrewts are fine. He's just taken them for a vacation after one of them ate three of the students at Hogwarts. I'm talking about THAT woman.
He points to a red Pianta screaming her head off into the night.
Mayor: She hasn't been normal lately. Just yesterday, she put a guy in the hospital when he asked for one of the potato chips she was eating, and she's recently entered the rock-eating diet. One of these days I think she's just going to lose it and kill us all. [pats Mario on the back] Why don't you go talk to her, see if you can sort things out?
Mario: Wait, that doesn't make sense.
Mayor: Well, one of us has to take one for the team, and it might as well be a clown such as yourself. It DOESN'T float up here in Pianta Village.
Mario throws the plunger away and grumbles, walking toward the Pianta woman. He stops and considers what to say.
Mario: So hey, I heard you were, uh...having a little trouble keeping your pet monsters under control. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong -
The Red Pianta Woman turns around, shotgun in hand, and lowers it to Mario's stomach. Steam is pouring from her ears.
Mario: Come on, quit with the guns already!
Red Pianta Woman: Give me three reasons I shouldn't blow you away right here, right now, and I'll let you walk away intact!
Mario: One, I'm an innocent bystander, two, you can go to jail for a very, very long time for that, and three, I'm trying to help you.
FLUDD: And he thinks you're irresponsible with your pets.
Red Pianta Woman: That's it! Give me three MORE reasons I shouldn't annihilate you!
Mario: Because FLUDD said it, not me, because you can't pacify these things without me, and because I haven't done anything to offend you!
Red Pianta Woman: Some of those reasons are repeats.
Mario: Listen, I'm doing the best I can with a shotgun pointed at me! I'm under a little bit of pressure!
Red Pianta Woman lowers the shotgun and glowers at him.
Mario: I'll find a way to get those guys back to normal, alright? Just hang tight for a moment. They'll be good as ever by the time I'm done.
Before she can reply, Mario runs off, shaken from the experience. He stands in the middle of the tribe-like village and sees three flaming Chomplets hopping around, destroying things and causing chaos. He rolls his eyes.
Mario: Of COURSE some nut has to raise a bunch of invincible carnivores next to a village filled with children, and of COURSE I have to be the one to set things right when anarchy explodes. "Pet" is just an S away from "pest."
FLUDD: And it gets harder from here, pal.
Mario inches closer to the first Chomplet and sprays it with water. It yelps and cools down to a manageable level, allowing Mario to grab it from the tail and swivel it around.
Mario: To cool these things off permanently, I should shoot them into the spring, right?
FLUDD: Very good, Mario. You have gained three IQ points.
Mario: If I launch this one at the building in front of me, it should ricochet just right into the spring, quickly and easily netting me a victory. Harvard, here I come!
Mario releases the Chomplet. It flies away faster than he suspected, punching through the first couple of houses and imploding them instantly. Disgruntled Piantas arise from the wreckage and shake their fists at him. The Chomplet, meanwhile, comes to a stop on the other side of the village, reignites, and continues spreading destruction.
FLUDD: And you just lost those three IQ points.
Mario: Somehow I thought...oh, what does it matter! Let me just finish the job before the entire village implodes on itself!
FLUDD: Given the village's base, that's not completely impossible.
Mario: I feel paranoid now. What lunatics would build their settlement on nothing but a big tree and a bunch of large mushrooms?
FLUDD: Welcome to Delfino, baby.
Mario chases down the Chomplet, puts its fire out, grabs it, and flings it into the spring. Discovering how enjoyable this really is, he tears off his shirt (for the umpteenth time this story) and heavy metal music plays. He dashes to the next Chomplet, sprays it down, and seizes it by the tail. Without a second thought, he shoots it off, demolishing another three houses in the process but landing it in the spring. With a battle-hungry war cry, he tracks down the next one, who starts to run from him. He cools it off and does to it what he did to the last two, rocketing it off. In the end, Pianta Village collapses behind him as he bullhorns the air with both fists.
FLUDD: Remember, always be kind to your pets...unless they spontaneously combust, escape their pens, and try to kill everyone in the vicinity, in which case a little violence to get your point across is somewhat justifiable.
Mario: Couldn't have said it better myself.
FLUDD: But now you should probably leave before the citizens tear you into little pieces.
Putting his shirt back on, Mario sees the Shine Sprite in the spring and races to it, trying to ignore the furious Piantas chasing him from behind. They run in slow motion, wind whipping past their faces. Mario makes a final dive at the Shine Sprite and touches it with his fingertips, thereby completing the mission.
Mario: Warp, please. Warp. Warp. Warp.
The Piantas resume normal speed and blot out the horizon with their numbers.
Mario: Yes, I know I got a Shine Sprite. I know I should do some goofy twirl and an even goofier sound effect. But I'm about to die, so, please, just warp.
He teleports away just as they skid into the spring. The angry villagers wipe the water from their eyes and stumble around looking for him.
Narrator: And so Mario completed the first mission of Pianta Village. The moral of the story is, sometimes it pays to be totally broo-tall. And sometimes it lands you in a load of crap. Where is Mario in this mess? Find out next time on Blooper Mario Sunshine - the side of Mario you were never meant to see but always wanted anyway.