Mario dangles his feet over the edge of the Shine Tower, staring into the water below. A calm wind blows, ruffling his hair.

Mario: How beautiful the deep blue waters are, as if to cleanse my very soul. Perhaps I shall find the solace in them life does not offer in its cruel disposition.

FLUDD: I didn't know you were a poet, Mario.

Mario: I'm not, really. My first poems were gathered, burned, and scattered to the four corners of the earth, labeled crimes against humanity. But I think I really have a natural talent for it.

FLUDD: Do you? Perhaps you could learn from the greats.

Mario: Oh, yeah? Such as?

FLUDD: There was one poet who wrote during the Spanish Inquisition.

Mario: Uh-huh.

FLUDD: He was strapped to a board in a mice-infested room while a giant pendulum attempted to saw him in half. It made for a moving story. Why don't you do the same thing?

Mario: Why don't you put a sock in your nozzle?

FLUDD: Don't blame me when my Hover Nozzle doesn't activate and you plummet to your untimely death.

Mario: I'm beginning to think it's worth the risk. Well, better get going to Pianta Village. The sooner I can get the Shine Sprites, the sooner I can leave this island and be rid of you.

FLUDD: You cannot leave this island, Mario. The way is shut. It was made by those who are fat. And the fat keep it.

Mario: I bet.

Mario jumps back into the pipe to Pianta Village and emerges on the other side, minus the drowning hassle. Unlike last time, the sun is out and shining brightly.

Mario: So what's there to kill me this time?

Mario runs across the bridge and immediately stops on the other side, not believing his eyes.

Mario: You... But you're supposed to be dead!

Standing in front of him is a short man with a metal Pianta hat on his head. Much of his body has been rebuilt as machinery. His right eye, now a mechanical red, lights up and contracts.

Cyber Piantissimo: Analysis indicates my greatest enemy has returned once again. Pure logic indicates I will grind him into Jammin' Jelly and feed him to a walrus.

Mario: But I killed you!

Cyber Piantissimo: [red eye flashing dangerously] Oh you did, didn't you? Fun to watch as Il Piantissimo, world's greatest racer, plummeted into a piranha festival while Il Cheater, that is to say you, won the race? Am I to understand you garnered a certain sense of satisfaction from such an underhanded technique?

Mario: Everyone who saw the video on Facebook seemed to enjoy it.

Cyber Piantissimo: NO MORE OF THIS FOOLISHNESS! [produces a laser cannon from his shoulder] I hereby challenge you to another race, Il Cheater, but the gloves are off this time. You may use anything at your disposal to reach the flag and win. But so may I. And I, might I add, have been what you call "pimped out mega-time."

Mario: I have a freaking water pump! You're going down, cyber boy!

Cyber Piantissimo launches a laser shot over Mario's shoulders, singing part of his shirt. Mario stares at him wide-eyed for a moment, then spritzes water into his hands and pats the smoking part of his shirt down.

Mario: Your intimidation tricks fail to dissuade me! I will meet you in battle, you walking Easy-Bake Oven, and when I claim victory, I shall send you from the tops of the trees to the mushroom valley below, declaring my success for all -

Mario awakens outside the pipe to Pianta Village in Delfino Plaza, one life short. He shakes his head and sits up, grateful the burn on his shirt has been restored.

FLUDD: You were saying, Mr. Water Pump Carrier?

Mario: I need something special to beat this guy. I realized that when my molecules dissolved into dust.

FLUDD: And was that more poetry you were attempting?

Mario: Now you see why I was killed so promptly. Well, nothing to do but try again, right? His technology's got to recharge sometime.

Mario hops back into the pipe and materializes back inside Pianta Village. Cyber Piantissimo awaits him on the other side of the bridge.

Mario: Alright, alright, I'll race you. Now stop it with the rocket launchers and whatnot.

Cyber Piantissimo: I'm afraid I can't do that, Il Cheater. Not during the race.

Mario: Fine, but make it quick. I have an island of lunatics to save.

FLUDD: They're all counting on you, Mario.

Mario: And the people on Lost think they have it rough.

Cyber Piantissimo: On your mark...get set...

Mario: I'm sure this qualifies as something I don't approve of.

Cyber Piantissimo: Go! May the best cyborg win...and that rules YOU out!

Cyber Piantissimo launches off the ground with a jetpack, blowing dirt and grass everywhere. Mario chases after him, flailing his arms and shouting wildly. Cyber Piantissimo reaches the flag in four seconds while Mario slides to a halt, hands on his knees.

Mario: I think that's enough action for today.

Cyber Piantissimo: I win, Il Cheater! It seems your dirty tricks are not dirty enough to smudge my over-inflated ego!

Mario: Yeah, well I -

The world spins before Mario's eyes, and he passes out as it all goes dark. He awakens outside the pipe to Pianta Village and looks around, bewildered.

Mario: Wait a minute. What. The heck. Just happened?

FLUDD: You spoke to him. Therefore, you died.

Mario: I died? How? We exchanged verbal communication! How is that enough to kill me?

FLUDD: In case you hadn't noticed, things work differently here on Isle Delfino.

In the plaza below, two Piantas talk with each other in front of the dolphin statue by the docks.

Pianta #1: I received your job application the other day, and I must say it's quite impressive.

Pianta #2: Thank you.

Pianta #1: However, times are tough with our company, so you understand we can't hire everyone. Unfortunately, the job opening is now closed, and we cannot employ you. Sorry.

Pianta #2: That's okay.

Pianta #2's eyes roll up as he goes limp, tumbles over the side of the dock, and falls into the water.

Pianta #1: [leafing through a collection of papers] Whoops, this WAS the guy we were supposed to be hiring. No wonder his application looked so good. [glances at Pianta #2 floating in the water] Oops.

Mario: I've gotta get off this island.

FLUDD: Don't worry, he has an extra life.

Mario: But if he returns with an extra life, what happens with the body in the water?

FLUDD: Don't think about it, Mario. It will just make the world explode.

Mario shrugs his shoulders bitterly and hops back into the pipe. A few seconds later, he stands before Cyber Piantissimo.

Mario: I suppose you're back to challenge me to yet another race?

Cyber Piantissimo: That I am!

Mario: Even though you clearly won and pointlessly cost me a life last time?

Cyber Piantissimo: That I am!

Mario: I would say this fits you under the category of "heartless moron," wouldn't you?

Cyber Piantissimo: That I am!

FLUDD: Analysis indicates a hardware malfunction in his technology.

Cyber Piantissimo: That I - I - I - I - I -

Mario: And now he's stuck.

FLUDD: I believe this would be an excellent time to circumvent his apparent epicness and win the race. It's better than being vaporized over and over again, is it not?

Cyber Piantissimo: You take that back, you...

Cyber Piantissimo freezes as the offensive dial-up sound plays, causing Mario to cover his ears.

Mario: Okay, Piantissimo. I'm going to start the whole "on your mark" thing. On "go," we'll start the race. Deal?

More dial-up.

Mario: I'm going to take your stony dial-up uninvolvement as a yes. On your mark...get set...go!

Mario runs past Cyber Piantissimo, who slowly turns in jerky motions to follow the plumber. Mario makes it halfway across Pianta Village before Cyber Piantissimo finishes loading and gives chase. Not watching where he's going, Mario trips over a bamboo fence and falls into one of the village's many pits leading to the gates of the underside. Cyber Piantissimo activates his jetpack and flies by overhead.

Cyber Piantissimo: You still can't win, Il Cheater! Face it, you have no real talents at all! It must have been luck that let you defeat that moron King Browser! I mean Browser! ...Darn! Curse this built-in autocorrect!

Mario wall-kicks his way back up the pit and emerges on the surface on more. Gritting his teeth, he tears a mushroom cap off his head and runs after the trail of smoke behind Cyber Piantissimo. His cyborg opponent reaches the tree the flag is on, mere seconds away from the goal.

Female Automated Voice: Your free trial of Totally Awesome Jetpack has expired. For unlimited jetpack flying and excuses to gloat in the face of a portly Italian plumber, please purchase the full version.

Cyber Piantissimo: Wait, what?

The jetpack stops suddenly, causing Cyber Piantissimo to soar through the air, going just past the flag. He wraps his fingers around the edge of the platform the flag is on and hangs on for dear life. Mario, confused, runs all around the village.

Mario: I'm completely disoriented now! Where the heck do I go?

Pianta Woman Holding Sign: That way!

Mario: Oh, really? Thanks a bunch!

Mario starts to run off. Pianta Woman Holding Sign stares at the sign in her hands, then turns it around.

Pianta Woman Holding Sign: Sorry, I was holding it backwards! The flag is the other way!

Mario: Just what I need when things are finally looking up for me!

Mario runs to the huge tree, dashing up its slope. Cyber Piantissimo struggles to pull himself back up, grunting from the stress. Mario comes to a stop in front of the flag and the victory music plays.

Cyber Piantissimo: Il Cheater? How could you beat me?

Mario: Hey, I won fair and square this time.

Female Automated Voice: Your system is under attack by a number of severe viruses as detected by Completely Real and Not Fake Virus Killer. It has located over nine thousand samples of spyware, malware, noware, Ware'sWaldo, and Trojan Yoshis. For only five coins times the square root of 36 divided by 3 plus twenty thousand cents per month, you can eliminate this threat.

Cyber Piantissimo: Tell it I don't want it!

Female Automated Voice: Completely Real and Not Fake Virus Killer has sent the message "Go stick your head in a bucket of chicken fat."

Cyber Piantissimo: I knew I should have paid the extra money for the more-advanced hardware!

Mario: I hope you kept the receipt.

Cyber Piantissimo: The receipt is online, and I CAN'T ACCESS THAT WITH THIS STUPID VIRUS!

Mario: Nasty cold you have there.

FLUDD: I'm going to make you nasty cold if you don't hurry up and get that Shine Sprite.

Mario only now notices the tinkling sound behind him. Seeing the Shine Sprite, he jumps up and grabs it, then warps back to Delfino Plaza.

Mario: A Shine Sprite closer to victory. I'll finally get to leave this island. Then I'll have a real vacation, just by myself.

FLUDD: That way you can die alone and no one will know of it for months.

Silence passes for several seconds.

Mario: You have forever changed my outlook on life, you cursed machine.

FLUDD: That's my real job.

Mario: ...Back into the pipe?

FLUDD: Yes.

Mario groans and jumps back into the pipe to Pianta Village. He appears at the edge of the village a moment later and his jaw hits the dirt. The first thing he notices is that it's mysteriously night again. The second thing he notices is that the entire village is covered in burning orange goop. Dragging his jaw along the ground, he walks to the village outskirts.

Mario: What happened here?

Pianta Man: Despite the many dozens of people who live in this village, a total lack of roofs, and near-continuous vigilance, we have no idea!

Mario: So all this stuff just appeared on its own?

Pianta Man: Yes. And even worse, the mayor is trapped on a house somewhere in that goopy inferno! Beats me how he got stuck there, especially considering he was helping everyone else escape in the process, but he needs help!

Mario: Oh, then this is easy. I can just spray water to dissolve the goop, and the mayor will be -

Shadow Mario: [leaping by and stealing FLUDD] Ninja clone!

Mario: Oh, no, no. No! How are you always just "here" when I really, really don't need you?

Pianta Man: Even though there are hundreds of us on this island, nobody knows!

Shadow Mario: So long, sucker! Good luck reaching the mayor without FLUDD! Maybe your spit will do the trick!

Shadow Mario fails to see where he is running, trips over the exterior fence, and falls into the burning goop. In the confusion, he tosses FLUDD far into the village, right onto the house the mayor is on. After screaming wildly, he dissolves into blue bubbles and fades away.

FLUDD: And here I am without a magazine.

Mario: Wait, this should still be easy. HEY, MISTER MAYOR! SEE THAT YELLOW AND SILVER DEVICE ON THE LEVEL BELOW YOU?

Mayor: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Mario: I SAID, DO YOU SEE THE YELLOW AND SILVER DEVICE?

Mayor: OF COURSE I DO! BUT I'M GOING TO STAND HERE AND SHAKE OFF THE GOOP ON ME IN SOME FRUITLESS ATTEMPT TO ALLEVIATE THE PAIN! WHY DON'T YOU GO THROUGH A LONG, ARDUOUS JOURNEY FACING DEATH AT EVERY TURN TO RESCUE ME?

FLUDD: I like that one.

Mario: YOU'RE A MORON, MISTER MAYOR! Alright, since common sense has left the island, how do I reach the mayor if I can't use FLUDD?

Pianta Man: You should be able to reach him if you go through the village underside. You know, it's that place beneath the village full of huge bugs and electric turtles over a giant abyss so deep you wouldn't hear the bottom if you dropped a nuclear warhead into it.

Mario: At this rate I'm considering nuking the island.

Pianta Man: The entrance to the village underside is on the opposite side of the surface. Good luck, guy!

Muttering to himself, Mario stomps off, skirting the exterior of the village. To his left, he sees a Pianta laying in the burning goop and waving his arms and legs up and down through it.

Pianta: Look, guys! Goop angel!

The Pianta instantly lights ablaze. Mario ignores him and continues walking around the village until he meets three Piantas, two of them dancing and one of them strumming on a guitar.

Mario: Not to seem rude, but are you guys helping?

Pianta with Guitar: Hey, there's nothing we can do, so don't get all mad at us, alright?

Mario: Have you considered calling 9-1-1?

Pianta with Guitar: I don't see how that'll help. [cups his hands around his mouth] 9-1-1! See? Nothing happens.

Mario: With a phone, you idiot! Don't any of you have technology in this place?

Pianta with Guitar: Sorry, the most advanced piece of technology for a whole square mile is this guitar in my hands. So basically, we're all screwed.

Mario: No, not so long as you have cannon fodder plumbers at your disposal. Then there's always hope.

Mario makes his way to the opposite side of the village, where he sees a Pianta man bent over a pit.

Bent-Over Pianta: I suppose you're here about the village underside.

Mario: Darn skippy. Now how do I get down there?

Bent-Over Pianta: Oh, it's simple. Just do one of those ground pound things into the gate at the bottom of this pit, and you'll be well on your way to rescuing the mayor.

Mario: That's it?

Bent-Over Pianta: Of course! Now get going, Mr. Hero!

Mario rubs his hands together, then jumps into the pit and does a ground pound. He crashes through the bamboo gate, wraps his pinky finger around the mesh underneath the village, and sees his life flash before his eyes again. When he comes to, he is still alive, just barely hanging on with his pinky.

Bent-Over Pianta: See? It's totally easy! No problems at all!

Mario: Get down here so that I may paint your toenails with your kidneys!

FLUDD: I'm not getting any less osbolete up here, Mario.

Mario: You shut up, FLUDD! I'll get you in a second. Keep the mayor entertained. Tell some knock-knock jokes or something.

Mario grabs the bamboo mesh with his hands, steadies himself, and climbs around the underside, following the mesh trail. He carefully works around a big yellow bug, which turns and stares at him with two large eyes as he passes by.

Mario: What're you lookin' at, butthead?

Big Yellow Bug: I like your hat.

Mario: I'm glad my hat has your approval.

Big Yellow Bug: You smell like spaghetti sauce.

Mario: It's a new Axe scent. Not "accent," Axe scent!

Big Yellow Bug: I'm going to kill you.

Mario: As everything wants to. I'm going to run away.

Big Yellow Bug: You can't kill me.

Mario: Yes, I'm aware half of everything in this game is invincible except for me! I need Yoshi to eat you things, and he isn't here right now!

Mario scurries away from the bug as fast as he can, swinging along the mesh. He eventually reaches a moving gate and hops on.

Mario: Sorry, ugly, but I can't stick around. I've got an island to save!

Mario reaches back and punches the gate with his fist. His hand goes straight through, dropping strips of bamboo into the abyss. He stares in disbelief as the bug slows behind him.

Big Yellow Bug: My left eye is twitching.

Mario: Mine is about to start twitching in a second. Just how poorly built is the village underside?

The gate falls off and plunges Mario into the bottomless pit. Game over.

But once again, he shall regain his lost life and continue for the sake of convenience. He shakes the gate a few times as the bug creeps up on him. At last, the gate moves ever so slowly to the other side, where he leaps off and grabs onto the mesh.

Mario: So long, loser! Go be creepy somewhere else!

Other Big Yellow Bug: I'm creepy.

Mario: Oh, not another one.

Mario climbs away, soon chased by fifteen yellow bugs and eight electric Koopas. He sweats profusely and struggles to go faster as the creatures close in on him. He drops from the mesh, lands on a giant mushroom, and makes his way across the rest of the mushrooms, heading for the mesh wall a fair distance from him.

Mario: It would kind of help if I had my Hover Nozzle!

He makes a daring leap and grabs onto the mesh wall, sliding down a few feet before catching his grip. When his heart settles down, he punches through a gate in the wall (creating another hole, much to his annoyance) and worms to the inside of the wall, climbing to a moving gate.

Mario: I know the trick at this point. Slamming it with your fist breaks it. I've gotta be more gentle with it, go with the flow.

Mario opens his fist and sharply taps the gate with it. It gets off to a good start, then slows down and stops halfway across. Only the sound of the wind can be heard.

Mario: I really have to get off this island.

The gate begins to shake. Before it can fall, Mario grabs the horizontal pole it's connected to and screams, his legs swerving around. The gate falls, never to be seen or heard again. Panting, Mario scoots across the pole with his fingers, his sweat joining the gate at the bottom of the pit (if such a thing exists). A few seconds later he arrives at another mesh ceiling and grips the bottom of it, moving to the center where a gate takes him upward. He kicks up through it, back at the surface once more.

Mario: FLUDD, you'd better still be there.

FLUDD: Relax, Mario. I haven't developed limbs yet. [ominous music plays] Pray that day does not come soon.

Mario: That is going to give me nightmares. FLUDD with legs is a catastrophe waiting to happen.

FLUDD: Do I hear Vegas calling my name?

Mario wall jumps his way up the shaft and lands on soft grass. Burning goop surrounds him on all sides, though a few clear patches lead the way to the mayor's building. Mario hops across, narrowly avoiding burning himself, and jumps up the mayor's golden-mushroom-topped-building. With a sigh of relief, he picks FLUDD up and holds him in front of him.

Mario: I don't think I've ever felt more grateful to see your misery-inducing nozzle, FLUDD.

FLUDD: Don't worry, Mario. You'll grow sick of it soon enough.

Mario: Yeah, I know that. I've spent more than enough time with you to figure that out. [puts FLUDD on his back] Now then, Mister Mayor, how are you holding up?

Mayor: Oh, well enough. How are you feeling?

Mario: A little flustered. Let me clean that goop off you.

Mario sprays the mayor with water until the orange Pianta is sparkling clean and jumping for joy.

Mayor: Oh, boy! I'm so happy, I'm going to bounce around like any responsible full-grown adult would! You've saved me!

Mario: Yeah, I'm glad. Still in pain?

Mayor: Like someone's thrown knives at me! But I'm okay now that you're here!

Mario: That's good. But seriously though, check yourself into the hospital. That stuff kills me in like three hits, and you've been wearing it like makeup for the last fifteen minutes.

Mayor: Certainly! To show my gratitude of being saved, I'd like you to have a key component of the island's power source! Without it, the island is plunged into perennial darkness and misery, causing all its denizens to fear for their lives!

Mario: And you were holding onto this why?

Mayor: I have no idea!

Mario: No one on this island does!

A Shine Sprite appears above the golden mushroom. With a bit of effort, Mario hovers on top of it and takes the Shine Sprite.

Mario: What a night. ...I mean day. Actually, how is it night here but day everywhere else? Did going through the warp pipe really take that long?

FLUDD: The world is in danger of exploding, Mario.

Mario: Sorry.

Mario warps away, a Shine Sprite closer to a real vacation off the island. The mayor looks around, a helpless expression on his face.

Mayor: Oh, so, uh...is anyone going to...take me anywhere? I'm still stuck here. Somebody? ...Help...?