Mario materializes back into Pianta Village and runs across the bridge toward the mayor.
Mario: And suddenly it's daylight again. Am I unknowingly playing the Sun's Song or something?
FLUDD: And what would you play it on? The Kazoo of Time? Passed down through generations of the Royal Family of the Mushroom Kingdom? Do you know how many years the spittle of other people would lie on that instrument?
Mario: He may wear a bright green tunic and tromp around in tights all day, but he's more of a man than I am.
FLUDD: Doesn't say much for you, does it?
Mario doesn't watch where he's going and runs into the mayor. He rubs his nose and shakes his head to dispel the dizziness.
Mario: Hey there, Mr. Mayor! What's threatening to destroy the peaceful village of modern neanderthals this time?
Mayor: Oh, just a gigantic flaming metal ball of death that's more upset than a mama grizzly missing her cub and being poked in the eye by little children. Pretty common stuff around here, actually.
Mario: So I've noticed.
Mayor: By the way, I'd like to thank you for abandoning me in the last episode and marooning me under that forsaken mushroom, isolated from the rest of the world by a sprawling sea of lava.
Mario: Oh yeah, forgot about that.
Mayor: In the time I was forced to wait for the lava to cool, I was able to understand my true self and learn the meaning of peace. I'd give you another Shine Sprite in gratitude if I could.
Mario: You're welcome?
Mayor: Besides, sitting on a dry wooden building next to searing flames and high wind wasn't so stressful. At least I have the voices in my head to keep me company.
Mario: Okay.
Mayor: But enough about the past. Our resident Hagrid wannabe has her hands full with the aforementioned flaming ball of death, so perhaps you should lend her some help.
Mario: FLUDD?
FLUDD: The flaming Chain Chomp is in need of a bath. You are to drag the Chain Chomp to the spring on the opposite end of the village, dunk it in the water, and reap the reward.
Mario glances at the Chain Chomp, which roars, drools, and starts flailing on the ground in rage. He grimaces.
Mario: And how am I supposed to drag that thing to the hot spring? It weighs about a million pounds, and it's on fire!
FLUDD: That's where I come in. You hose the Chomp down, and it gets cooler.
Mario: What about the weight problem?
FLUDD: I recommend Weight Watchers. A steady diet-and-exercise program should cut down on that pot belly of yours.
Mario: I was referring to the Chain Chomp, not to myself!
FLUDD: In which case you pull with all your might, throw your back out, and we all laugh at you.
Mario: Great. Might as well get to it then, huh? I guess complaining won't do me any good.
FLUDD: I suppose you've learned a lot in this adventure, Mario, if that's the way you feel about it.
Mario: Hey, I'm not as stupid as I look.
FLUDD: Your point being?
Mario walks to the Chain Chomp, which is now biting its chain furiously. He scratches his head and sizes up the situation.
Mario: Theoretically, the water from FLUDD should cool this guy down. That's as good a place to start as any.
Green Pianta: Wait! I have a great idea!
Mario: If it doesn't involve dying, humiliation, or searing pain, I'm all for it. What is it?
Green Pianta: First of all, shake my hand. It's rude not to introduce, you know?
Mario: [shrugs] Okay.
Mario grabs Green Pianta's hand and gives it a firm shake. Green Pianta responds by picking up Mario and hurling him into the nearest giant mushroom. The plumber splats against the stalk, pushing the mushroom back and generating a sound like thunder.
Green Pianta: Sorry, I'm just one of those Piantas that randomly throws you when you talk to me. Had to get it out of the way sometime.
Mario: [sliding down the stalk upside-down] What is with this island's violent tendencies?
Green Pianta: But anyway, I've got an idea. See those water-filled barrels at the edge of the village, right beside the Chain Chomp's owner?
Mario: Yeah. All eighty-seven of them.
Green Pianta: Nah, that's just your whacked-out triple vision from the impact. I reckon if you pick one up and throw it at the Chain Chomp, all that water will come out and cool it down instantly. Pretty genius, huh?
Mario: "Pretty" and "genius" are two words which usually don't fit well in the same sentence. Just look at some of history's greatest minds.
Mario rights himself, shakes his head to clear the dizziness, and strides to the barrels. Uncertain of the outcome, he picks one up and hurls it at the Chain Chomp. The barrel explodes against the side of it, showering water everywhere. The Chomp cools down and turns to Mario, the angriest expression in the world on its face. Mario is promptly eaten.
Green Pianta: See? The flames died down instantly!
Pianta Woman: Hey, what's going on? Is the situation any better?
Green Pianta: Kind of.
Green Pianta picks up the Pianta Woman and throws her down a shaft to the village underside. A long scream and a crash is heard. Presumably, Green Pianta will at least receive a stern letter some time in the near future.
The Chomp's mouth slowly begins to open as a red and blue figure begins to shove its way free, groaning from the stress.
Mario: What...IDIOT'S idea was it to throw a heavy object at a giant angry monster?
Green Pianta: I guess I should have mentioned that thing's chain is negligible.
Mario: Because of your pretty genius idea, I almost turned into dog food! You Piantas should learn to think with your brains and not with your arms every so often!
FLUDD: This coming from the King of Stupid himself?
Mario: FLUDD, not helping!
FLUDD: But being funny.
Mario throws himself out of the Chomp as its jaws snap shut. He gets to his feet, wobbles for a second, and edges his way to the chain loosely holding the creature in place.
Mario: Well, here goes nothing.
Mario bends over, grabs the chain, and heaves upward. A loud cracking sound is heard as tears spring to Mario's eyes. All Piantas within a fifty foot radius point at him and laugh.
FLUDD: That does look like nothing.
Mario: How am I supposed to explain this to my chiropractor?
Twisting his body and popping whatever disjointed bones exist back into place, Mario lifts the tail end of the chain a few inches into the air, turns around, and strives to walk forward. The theme from Rocky begins to play as Mario grunts and sweats from the exertion, engraving a wide line into the ground as the Chain Chomp slowly moves. By the time the theme song ends, Mario has moved the Chomp thirteen inches.
Mario: Alright, this isn't working. I need to think of something else. I'll be here all day with muscles that resemble applesauce if I try it this way.
The Chomp roars a couple of times, bouncing into the air, then bellows and reignites itself and starts hopping off. Mario watches the flaming form turn the corner and sinks to his knees, eyes wide and hopeless.
Mario: It's gone. All that work, gone like smoke in the wind. This is worse than eating soggy oatmeal.
Untitled (How Could This Happen to Me) plays in the background as the camera gradually zooms in on Mario. Mario looks into the sky.
Mario: Alright, who keeps playing the songs?
Narrator: [using his dramatic voice] I don't know what you mean.
Mario: Narrator, if that's you doing this, I am going to find you and shove a coconut into your ear canal. So tell me, is it you?
Narrator: Of course not. And I'm not at all suspicious.
Mario: Yeah, and Schwarzenegger isn't hard to spell. And you, Chain Chomp! Hopping around like some dumb puppy with a stick in its mouth! The only reason you're made of metal is because your mother married a garbage can! And let's not even -
The Chain Chomp careens around the corner, making a tire-squealing sound and seething in anger. His plan taking action, Mario gets up and runs away, waving his arms around like noodles. The Chain Chomp bites at his heels, mere inches away from him.
Mario: If this works, I'll go down in history as the most insane problem-solver on the island!
FLUDD: If it doesn't work, you'll still go down in history. Really, what's one over the other?
Mario: I'd rather not be buried here. I'll be resurrected as a tree zombie or something.
The hot spring comes into view as Mario starts wheezing from the sustained run. They enter slow motion as epic music plays (Mario glares at the sky again). He makes a ridiculous leap over the hot spring, spinning his arms in circles and kicking his legs through the air. He flies into a brown-haired angel resting in the spring and they tumble onto dry land. The Chain Chomp falls into the hot spring and cools down with a burst of steam. It closes its eyes contentedly, turns gold, and produces a Shine Sprite that floats above it.
Mario: I live!
Pit: Hey! What are you doing? I wasn't even done healing!
Mario: [standing up] Sorry, but the needs of the island outweigh the needs of the angels.
Pit: But I'm on Intensity 9.0! There's nothing harder!
Mario: Can't be as tough as the first game, right? Besides, you have no idea what I've been through. Cut me a little slack.
Pit: Same here...
FLUDD: I dare our readers to count how many fourth-wall-breaking references are made throughout this fic.
Mario jumps on top of the sleeping Chain Chomp and grabs the Shine Sprite. The Chain Chomp wakes up and snaps at him, flinging him through the air. He warps to Delfino Plaza before he hits the ground and sits outside the pipe to the village.
Mario: How many Shine Sprites does that leave left before I face whoever's responsible for this mess? Three? Four?
FLUDD: About three.
Mario: Oh, goody. I don't know how I've survived this long, but with a supply of extra lives on hand, I should be able to beat this.
FLUDD: Trust me, you'll need them for this next one.
Mario: Don't I always?
FLUDD: Look at how many stones were needed to build the Shine Tower. Go on, look.
Mario: Yeah?
FLUDD: You will need about that number times twelve if you want to pass the next episode.
Mario: ...So what's the next episode?
FLUDD: A nightmare incarnate. The sort of thing they use to break spies.
Mario: And I need to do this to beat the game?
FLUDD: I would recommend taking a blanket to cry into.
Unnerved, Mario hops back into the pipe and travels to Pianta Village. It is night once again, baffling the plumber's mind, but he runs across the bridge and stops when he sees a welcome sight.
Mario: Yoshi! How did you get here?
A thought bubble appears over Yoshi's egg, showing a picture of a large steak. Mario frowns.
Mario: I thought Yoshis didn't eat meat. Besides, I have no idea where I'm supposed to get that in this village.
The thought bubble changes to an image of a slim female Yoshi.
Mario: I can't get you a girlfriend. You have to do that yourself.
The thought bubble shows eyes and rolls them, then projects the image of a coconut. Mario sighs in relief and runs off, looking for fruit. He spots a fruit tree and jumps up to it.
Pianta Woman: Look at all this fruit! I wonder if Yoshi will appear?
Mario: You really don't get around much, do you? He's at the entrance to the village.
Pianta Woman: Good, because I think you'll need him for something underneath the village. I don't actually know why, it's just a random feeling I have.
Mario: Really? What's your name?
Pianta Woman: I can't remember.
Mario: Nobody knows anything on this island! Might as well take this coconut to Yoshi and see what happens, though.
Mario takes a green coconut and runs back to Yoshi, who rocks back and forth in his egg. He drops the coconut on the ground next to the egg, which splits open instantly to reveal a pink Yoshi.
Yoshi: Nice to see you're still breathing, Mario.
Mario: My, you do look good in pink.
Yoshi throws a yolk-covered eggshell at Mario's face. Mario smiles, deciding it was totally worth it.
Yoshi: There's a strange yellow liquid covering the entrance to a secret level under the village. The Extreme Guardian Group's analysis has indicated this liquid can be dissolved with the juice I spit out. Looks like we'll need to work together again.
Mario: Would you like me to buy you a pretty red bowtie to go with your pink complexion?
Yoshi lunges forward and seizes Mario by the collar.
Yoshi: I don't decide what color I become, and hearing your jokes after spending hours cramped in a tiny egg makes me feel like punching something. I'd rather we didn't go there.
Mario: Just beware of Birdo - she may feel a little jealous.
Yoshi punches Mario in the face. Mario laughs maniacally, ignoring the bruise swelling up on his cheek.
Yoshi: Just shut up and get on my back. I'll take you as far as the secret area, but then you're on your own.
Rubbing his face, Mario hops onto Yoshi's back and rides him back across the bridge. To his surprise, there are giant mushrooms below the ledge he started on that take him underneath the village. Yoshi drops down, bounces across the mushrooms, and arrives at a thinner toadstool with moving yellow liquid in the center.
Yoshi: Spitting juice isn't as easy as it looks. Quick, tell me something disgusting.
Mario: I like playing Superman 64.
Yoshi spits out a stream of pink juice that vaporizes the yellow liquid, revealing a hole in the center of the mushroom. The deed done, Yoshi wipes his mouth and kicks Mario off.
Mario: So basically, you have the ability to puke on command?
Yoshi: It's a little more involved than that. But with the right amount of practice, yes, the juice I ingest can be brought back up to turn enemies into platforms and dissolve yellow liquid. I just needed a little help. And that worked. Good luck on the secret level.
Mario: Aye aye, Pinky!
Mario dives into the hole before Yoshi can kill him. Shadow Mario swoops by and steals FLUDD, catching Mario off guard.
Shadow Mario: I'm totally recording this.
FLUDD: Send me the link when you're done.
Mario lands in the secret level and instantly notices something strange.
Mario: What the...? Piantas?
Pianta Man: Hey there! I'm a Chuckster!
Mario: That's not contagious, is it?
Pianta Man: No, a Chuckster is a Pianta that picks you up and violently throws you for no apparent reason! Which is what I'm going to do to you!
Before Mario can react, the Pianta Man picks him up and tosses him over the edge of the stage. Mario screams and loses a life, then returns to the stage, smoke pouring out of his ears.
Mario: What was that all about?
Pianta Man: Hey there! I'm a Chuckster!
Mario: I understand that -
Mario is picked up again and hurled across a gap. This time, he lands safely on the other side.
Mario: This is frightening.
Looking around, he realizes the only way to proceed is to talk to another Chuckster and get tossed across a hundred-foot gap. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Mario walks to the next Chuckster, an orange Pianta half his size.
Mario: Hello.
Short Pianta: I'm a Chuckster!
Mario: Well, this guy's not very tall, so I hope he can throw me the full distance.
The Short Pianta hurls Mario through the air at twenty-seven times the speed of sound, causing him to burst into flames and soar to the edge of the secret level. He crashes through the outer wall of the place, makes his way around the world five times, and finally lands back in the secret level, right in front of the Chuckster.
Short Pianta: I'm a Chuckster!
Mario: You're a jerk, that's what you are!
Having talked to the Short Pianta, Mario is thrown through the air again, this time with a little less force but still misses the next platform. He falls down the bottomless pit, loses a life, and starts back at the beginning.
Mario: Okay, I think I understand. The direction you face is the direction they'll throw you in. You just have to make sure you're lined up correctly. This shouldn't be too difficult.
Mario ignores the first Chuckster and takes a path around it to the second one. Licking his lips and sweating slightly, he takes a step up.
Mario: Hello.
Short Pianta: I'm a Chuckster!
Mario tightens his body and closes his eyes. The Short Pianta picks him up and throws him back the way he came. Mario tumbles over the edge, falls into the bottomless pit, and loses a life.
Mario: [dropping back to the level] That doesn't even make sense! I made sure I was facing the right direction!
Short Pianta: I just felt like throwing you a different direction this time.
Mario: How can you do this to people? How can you be so cruel and inhumane? Does it faze you that you're ending human lives in this dungeon of darkness and despair? Do you just get a kick out of playing basketball with human beings as the ball?
Pianta Man: I'm a Chuckster!
Mario: I wasn't talking to -
Mario is picked up and thrown into the abyss. After losing a life, he returns to the level and runs to the Short Pianta.
Mario: That's it! I demand you develop a soul and take me straight to the end! This lost its fun in the first five seconds!
Short Pianta: I'm a Chuckster!
Mario: You wanna know what else you are?
The Short Pianta hurls Mario across the gap. Mario lands on the platform on the other side, bounces, and falls over the edge, having missed the guard wall by two feet. This pattern continues for the next thirty minutes. Mario loses more lives than he ever has at any one point in the game, burning through them like chaff in fire. Despite all his planning and efforts, the Piantas throw him whichever direction they prefer. Mario is now covered in lumps and bruises. One of his eyes is half-shut from a bruise over it.
Another Pianta: Hey there! I'm a psychopathic murderer!
Mario: Please don't...
Mario is thrown over the edge again. Returning to the stage, he crawls to the Short Pianta, manages to get successfully tossed to the far platform, and speaks to the Chuckster there.
Chuckster: I'm a Chuckster!
Mario: You're a monster!
The Chuckster picks Mario up, swings his arm in a vertical circle, and flings Mario straight into the ground. Cracks spread throughout the platform.
Chuckster: Oops, my aim was off a little bit!
Mario: Might want to work on that throwing arm of yours.
This pattern continues until Mario, with only one life left, makes his way to the top of the secret level. At last, he arrives at the platform with the Shine Sprite on it, missing chunks of his clothing and bearing more dark spots than a Dalmatian dog. He crawls to the Shine Sprite and touches it with the tip of his finger. The victory music plays and Mario is warped out. FLUDD reappears on his back.
Mario: Sixty lives...sixty lives I'd spent the whole game acquiring, all gone in one nightmare. I don't think I'll ever sleep peacefully again.
FLUDD: I enjoyed a nice bucket of popcorn while you were off getting killed. All in all, not a bad experience for being stolen by a mindless doppelganger.
Mario: How in the world would you eat popcorn?
FLUDD: I said I enjoyed it, not that I ate it.
Mario: So how does that work?
FLUDD: Use your imagination. Now get back to Pianta Village. Only two more episodes before the final fight.
Mario: But I feel like Donkey Kong just sat on me. For thirty minutes.
FLUDD: Does it look like I care, Mario?
Grumbling, Mario crawls back into the pipe and falls in headfirst. He materializes back in Pianta Village and splats into the ground. After ten seconds of total stillness, he looks up and sees the mayor standing in front of him.
Mayor: Oh, what to do? What to do? This is absolutely terrible, and I have no idea how it happened!
Mario: 'S 'a matter?
Mayor: Ten of our residents are trapped under that burning goop! They're being fried like eggs! Or worse, scrambled! Something must be done!
Mario: You have a hot spring. Surely you can figure something out.
Mayor: Are you kidding? All Piantas are good for is insulting, throwing things, and freezing up during critical moments! You must save us!
Groaning loudly, Mario forces himself to his feet and runs across the bridge. A timer appears in his Hypothetical Object Seeing Vision showing that he has a little under three minutes to complete the mission, which is titled "Piantas in Need."
FLUDD: And remember - A Pianta in need is a Pianta indeed.
Mario: Pretty much sums them up.
Mario finds the first splash of goop and washes it away. Two Piantas emerge, covered in the burning stuff. Mario cleans them off and leaves them to jump for joy. He searches the village and saves nine out of the ten of them with thirty seconds on the clock.
Mario: Where is that last Pianta?
FLUDD: Probably moving around so you can't find it.
Mario: And why would it do that?
FLUDD: Because everyone and everything on this island is against you. Except for perhaps Peach.
Mario veers around the corner and dashes down the passage, still seeing nothing. He reaches the end of the passage and looks around, finally spotting the last clump of goop to his left. With five seconds remaining, he jumps at it and sprays water at the same time. The Pianta pops up from the goop, allowing Mario to spray him off. The mission-end jingle plays as the timer stops on .01 seconds.
FLUDD: In spite of how much keeps happening to you, you really are one lucky plumber.
Mario: I guess so, huh?
FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper, dousing Mario in foam. He wipes himself off and runs back to the mayor at the entrance to the village.
Mayor: Oh! You saved them all! I'm so happy!
Mario: You're always so happy.
Mayor: Here, have another one of the island's main power sources! I was just using it as a teddy bear!
Mario: Wait a minute, you said you didn't have any more of these when we spoke earlier.
Mayor: Did I? Must have been one of my other personalities.
Shuddering, Mario takes the Shine Sprite and warps out of the level.
FLUDD: Just one more Shine Sprite to go, Mario.
Mario: Just one? We're doing four in one chapter? Isn't that, like, a new record or something?
FLUDD: Not necessarily. Now go back in. You have an appointment with your clone.
Mario: Another one? Doesn't he get tired of all the senseless running around?
FLUDD: He is what you call "stupid."
Mario jumps back into the pipe and emerges in Pianta Village. The mayor is still in the beginning portion, scratching his head in bewilderment. Strangely enough, it's night again.
Mayor: Huh. Now I wonder why the clown would do that?
Mario: What clown?
Mayor: You clown. Wait, there are two of you? I suppose there's one of you for each of my personalities. That just leaves thirty-three unaccounted for.
Mario: Skip the intro before I get depressed. Where's Shadow Mario now?
Mayor: Is that what you call him? He's twiddling his thumbs or something on the other end of the bridge. He's been waiting a whole six seconds for you.
Mario runs across the infamous bridge and comes face-to-back with Shadow Mario, who is playing a Nintendo 3DS. Upon hearing Mario's footsteps, Shadow Mario pockets the 3DS and turns around, looking smug.
Shadow Mario: Well well, look who it is. It's rude to keep someone waiting, you know?
Mario: You've been here less than a minute.
Shadow Mario: That's a lifetime in Shadow Mario time! You've always been ignorant and selfish, but here's the problem.
Mario: Too many toasters?
Shadow Mario: No, it has nothing to do with that!
Mario: You know what they say.
Shadow Mario: I mean the problem is that you're persistent! Why do I have to come here and wait for you, anyway? Because you refuse to give up, and it's annoying!
Mario: Well, I'm not about to set up residence on this island. And besides, you ARE the mission. You coming here is like a free Shine Sprite for me. If you stayed home, none of this would happen.
Shadow Mario: I never thought about it like that... But it's too late! My paintbrush has the power to lay down burning goop, so you'll have a hard time following me! Looks like I'm quite the TRAILBLAZER, eh?
Mario squirts water into Shadow Mario's eye.
Shadow Mario: Ow! That hurt, you imbecile! It's time for me to do the most masculine, the most courageous thing I can think of...
Shadow Mario spins around and runs in the other direction, shouting wildly. A red line of burning goop tails him. Mario sprays it away and gives chase, panting from fatigue. Five seconds later, Shadow Mario is on the ground flailing his limbs.
Shadow Mario: Curses! Somehow this always happens!
Mario: Why do you even come here?
Shadow Mario: I don't even know! My dad just tells me to do it!
Mario: Bowser? Is he here on this island?
Shadow Mario: Of course! Doesn't he usually show up in your games?
Mario: I guess I should have figured. Still, don't you think for yourself? Imagine what you could accomplish on your own! You limit yourself, and that is why I always win! I am the champion of every battle! I am the alpha wolf in the pack! I am the great cyclone that haunts the seaside! I am the final peg standing in a game of peg solitaire, whereas you are just plain ig-nor-a-moose!
Shadow Mario: I don't even know what that is!
Mario: Neither do I, but Cracker Barrel does! So I'll come for you, Shadow Mario, and your cursed father on...
FLUDD: Corona Mountain.
Mario: Corona Mountain, yes! Now run along, little pest!
Shadow Mario disappears, leaving a Shine Sprite behind. Mario crosses his arms and smiles.
Mario: And that's how you get it done.
FLUDD: Feeling all big and bad, Mario?
Mario: I do. Onto the final battle, lads!
FLUDD uses his Idiot Stopper. Mario clenches his fists.
Mario: Why do you insist on doing that?
FLUDD: Impulsive reaction.
Narrator: And so Mario claimed the last Shine Sprite necessary to face the great, evil Bowser. The next chapter shall conclude this epic saga. And then I'll be out of work...and I'll have to find a REAL job! [sobs] At least I can play songs on this keyboard to make me feel better...