Mario materializes back into Delfino Plaza and instantly comes into contact with something he never expected.
Mario: Water?
FLUDD: On an island? What folly is this?
Delfino Plaza is almost completely submerged in water. Only the tops of a few buildings poke out above the surface. Mario treads water for a bit, then swims to the nearest roof and climbs up between a couple of Piantas.
Mario: What in the world happened? How'd all this water get here?
First Pianta: We have no idea!
Mario: Of course.
First Pianta: I just woke up to find my dresser floating by me. Which is a pretty normal occurrence - my house is haunted by the spirit of my pet goldfish.
Mario: Remind me never to go there, then.
First Pianta: But it was floating because of water! That's when I knew I should have done the right thing with Bubblelips and given him a proper burial. [thinks for a moment] He did make for a nice sandwich, though.
Mario: Trust me, I think Bubblelips has very little to do with this.
Second Pianta: I believe I can shed some light on what happened here. Unlike bozo here, I was actually awake when the downpour came.
Mario: Well, shoot.
Second Pianta pulls out a handgun and fires into the distance. A seagull falls into the water, gasps, sings a moving opera song, and turns his head into the water, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
Mario: An expression. It was just an expression.
Second Pianta: At least I always come prepared. But anyway...
The scene shifts to the not-so-distant past, where Second Pianta is relaxing on a bench in Delfino Plaza, listening to D.E.B.S. (Delfino Emergency Broadcast System to the uninformed, and something much worse to the crafty) with his earphones.
D.E.B.S. Weatherman: And today, there is a 1% chance of light showers over Isle Delfino, so get out your swimming trunks - it's a perfect day for the pool!
Without warning, a deafening blanket of water pours all over Delfino Plaza, washing everything away. Second Pianta struggles to the surface as a bulletin board floats by him. He grabs onto it for dear life, panting. In less than four seconds, the downpour is over.
D.E.B.S. Weatherman: Allow me to clarify: 1% of Isle Delfino will experience hundreds of light showers all in one tiny opening. Talk about one ominous thunderhead! Have you changed to your swimming trunks yet? Remember, the Delfino weatherman is always right. And now, let's go over to Juan Pianta for what's happening in the world today. Juan?
Juan Pianta: Well, as you can tell from the walking corpses behind me, the zombie apocalypse appears to have come upon -
News Anchor: We have breaking news! Apparently, the mayor of Petal Meadows does NOT like fried eggs over hard, but he IS fond of omelettes made with Koopa Leaves! If you ever wanted to suck up in the corporate world over at Petal Meadows, crack out the frying pan and grab some leaves from the nearest bush! Hey, the mayor's old - he won't know the difference!
Second Pianta: Good thing my D.E.B.S. doohickey is waterproof...
The scene switches back to the present.
Second Pianta: And that's basically all that happened.
Mario: What was that about a zombie apocalypse?
Second Pianta: Oh, nothing significant. Probably.
Mario: So how do I get rid of this mess? Where do I go next?
The camera zooms in dramatically on a wide-eyed First Pianta.
First Pianta: The mountain.
A figure in a red robe passes them by, heading for the volcano in the distance. Mario scratches his head in bewilderment.
Mario: I see. So this is all connected with Bowser. He can manipulate the weather now?
FLUDD: Honestly, Mario, who knows? Does Bowser ever do anything that makes sense?
Mario: I always figured that's what makes him fun at parties.
FLUDD: And you invite him every time.
Mario: Livens up golf, tennis, baseball, kart racing, and everything else, too.
FLUDD: It boggles my mind why he doesn't just seize those opportunities to kill you.
Mario: Because he doesn't make sense.
FLUDD: Evidently. But the Pianta is correct. Corona Mountain is your next destination, and the final battle with Bowser awaits you.
Mario hops back into the water and swims to the area behind the Shine Tower. He crawls back on land, jumps up to the volcano entrance, and walks in.
FLUDD: And bam, instant lava.
Mario: Wow, it's hot in here! Surprising how so much boiling magma can be this close to a bunch of peaceful villages, and the island remains intact. FLUDD, for once, could you use your Idiot Stopper for something good and cool me off?
FLUDD: [smiling inwardly] No.
Mario: Oh, come on! I thought you liked doing that!
FLUDD: Only when it annoys you. The longer you stay here, the quicker you will boil. There is only the path ahead.
Mario: Yeah, all I have to do is jump across those platforms either covered in fire or periodically protruding with spikes. And after that, I have another ocean of lava.
Mario rubs his hands together, then leaps over the lava in slow motion, yelling in a deepened voice. Lava explodes in epic fashion behind him as he safely lands on the first platform. Before the spikes can come up, he hovers to another one, dousing out the fire surrounding it.
Mario: How in the world does Bowser come up with these things?
Bowser: Ever heard of hopscotch?
Mario: Ah! Bowser! Where are you?
Bowser: Ever heard of a loudspeaker system?
Mario: Ever heard of me picking you up by your tail and throwing you into one of your own bombs conveniently placed on the edge of the arena?
Bowser: Now that's low, Mario. Even giant turtles make mistakes sometimes.
Mario continues skipping across the platforms.
Mario: Actually, let's talk about that for a moment. Why WOULD you place a bunch of bombs all over the arena, knowing full well they serve as your only weakness?
Bowser: It was a tip from my psychiatrist. He said it was a great way to overcome your fears.
Mario: And who was your psychiatrist?
Bowser: Ganondorf.
Mario: Right, the one who insists on using the same attack over and over again until it kills him.
Bowser: I know! Brilliant, isn't it?
Mario bypasses all the dangerous platforms and drops onto a strip of land. He refills FLUDD from a small water geyser and pounds open a nearby wooden box, revealing an extra life.
Mario: Hey, sweet!
Bowser: What? No! I meant that for Bowser Jr.! How did you ever find it?
Mario: Well, you left it in plain sight.
Bowser: But that's where the best things are always hidden! I leave these things for my minions so they can actually make it to the restroom in my hideouts without dying, and YOU keep taking them! Then again, I suppose it would help if I installed more than one toilet per stronghold. Try to be economical, and the grunts complain. What's a villain to do?
Mario: I'm no financial expert, but I can see you have more than enough money to spend on castles that kill off your own soldiers.
Bowser: Not my fault they walk off cliffs.
FLUDD: Mario, why are you giving monetary advice to your enemy?
Mario: I suppose I feel something deep down called pity. Now, what's this boat doing floating on the lava? Guess this is my way forward, huh?
There is silence for a moment.
Mario: What, no witty retort, Bowser? Fine by me. I don't need you badgering me all the time.
Mario hops down into the boat, which rocks uncomfortably.
FLUDD: Don't rock the boat.
Mario: Don't rock the boat, baby, rock the boat, don't rock the boat -
Whatever moisture there is in the air around Mario is suddenly sucked dry.
Mario: What the heck! How'd you do that, FLUDD?
FLUDD: Did you know the Idiot Stopper also works in reverse?
Mario: I expect a nice, long spa treatment after this. In the Mushroom Kingdom, where sanity still exists. Relatively speaking.
FLUDD: Where talking fungus is perfectly normal.
Mario: And if you eat it, it makes you twice as big.
FLUDD: Are you saying you've eaten Toads?
Mario: Let's just say their bulbs are made out of the same stuff. At any rate, time to conquer this fiery sea! Pay a penny to the ferryman, FLUDD, because we brake for no one!
Mario sprays water to the right of the boat. The boat starts to turn right.
Mario: Okay, whoa, whoa, hold on a minute. Something's not right.
Mario sprays to the right again. The boat continues to the right.
Mario: On the other hand, something IS right - too much to the right, in fact! Why is this boat betraying physics?
Bowser: Bwa ha ha ha ha! My money isn't so badly spent after all, is it?
Mario: Bowser, what did you do to the sailing slab I have my feet on?
Bowser: It's specially engineered to go the same direction you spray. Unprecedented, isn't it? It'll look nice right next to the machine that divides by zero I'm working on!
Mario: Are you insane? You'll destroy the entire universe!
Bowser: That's a risk I'm willing to take! Bwa ha ha ha ha!
Mario: You'll have nothing left to rule! You won't even exist!
Bowser: By adding a "bwa" to the front of my laughs, I automatically become twice as evil!
FLUDD: He is not listening, Mario.
Mario: I have to stop this nut before he first screws up all sailing vessels in the world, then swallows the universe in a gigantic black hole!
Mario sprays to the back-left of the boat, propelling it forward and left. He sprays strategically in this fashion, cautiously weaving between giant rocks sticking out of the lava. Halfway to the circle of land on the other side of the volcano, the boat does something unexpected.
Mario: Wait a minute, now it's going to the RIGHT when I spray to the left! It's back to normal again! I've defeated your stupid machination, Bowser!
Bowser: Oh, darn.
Mario sprays to the back and right. The boat drifts to the right again.
Mario: What? WHAT?
Bowser: Hm. Seems to be broken. Oh well, that's alright by me. Good luck navigating the seven seas of fiery DEATH, Mario! Bwa ha ha ha ha! I am so evil!
The boat slowly drifts toward a giant rock. Mario watches helplessly as it looms closer. The boat touches the rock ever so slightly and instantly sinks. Mario drowns in the lava, loses a life, and restarts at Corona Mountain's entrance.
Mario: Next thing I know, that idiot will find a way to make positives and positives attract to each other. First he defies physics, then his physics-defying boat defies itself. Am I doomed, FLUDD?
FLUDD: I suppose that depends on your definition of the word. But most likely, yes.
Mario: Just one more fight. That's all it takes. One more fight, and some other hapless moron can come along and clean up.
FLUDD: But don't you want to enjoy the remainder of your vacation with Peach?
Mario: Not on this island. I have half a mind to seal myself into my basement when I get home.
Mario makes it across the dangerous platforms and discovers the boat is at the starting point again. Relieved, he hops into it and begins the arduous, unpredictable process of sailing across the lava.
Thirty seconds later, the tip of his boat is bobbing five inches from a giant rock. Mario stares at it hopelessly.
Mario: Any ideas, FLUDD?
FLUDD: You can always take the easy way out.
Mario: What's that?
FLUDD: Jump into the lava, lose a life, get a Game Over, restart in Delfino Plaza, make your way back in here.
Mario: I have a great idea. Why don't YOU jump into the lava, and I'll wait here for help? [sits down] Well, know any good jokes?
FLUDD: So a plumber jumps into the lava...
Mario: That's not funny, FLUDD. [eyes the circle of land] You know, the land is pretty close. I bet I could hover over there.
FLUDD: And if you lose, you get the aforementioned Game Over. Sounds like a plan.
Mario cracks his neck, stands up, leaps over the side of the boat, and activates his Hover Nozzle. He crosses the majority of the lava before the water runs out. He plummets, screaming...and lands safely on the edge of the circle.
Mario: I made it. Oh look, a Rocket Nozzle!
Bowser: What? How did you find that?
Mario: Well, it's...[gestures casually]...sitting right there in front of me.
Bowser: But it's red! It's supposed to blend in!
Mario: It's also bright white.
Bowser: I kind of wish I would stop hiding everything in plain sight.
Mario knocks open the Rocket Nozzle box, equips the nozzle, builds up pressure, and launches off. He lands on a solid cloud in the air.
Mario: This is interesting.
Bowser: And I guess it's my fault I decided to put the special solid clouds in a path that leads directly toward me. That's just great.
Mario: It is just great. This saves me from having to make my way through some castle with an unforgiving time limit hanging over my head.
Mario blasts upward again, landing on a somewhat smaller cloud. He continues this until he reaches the very top, where he blasts through a hole in the ceiling.
Meanwhile, above the volcano, Bowser, Bowser Jr., and Princess Peach are in a giant swimming pool filled with volatile green liquid.
Bowser: The water's great, eh, Junior?
Bowser Jr.: Sure is, papa! Though actually, I read in an article somewhere that if you stay in this mixture of liquids too long, your skin burns off. Like, completely off.
Bowser: How long is too long?
Bowser Jr.: It said something along the lines of five minutes.
Bowser: ...How long have we been in here?
Bowser Jr.: Four minutes or so.
Bowser: [turning away and muttering to himself] "Special swimming fluid," the salesman said... "Your family will love it," the salesman said...
Mario rockets up over the edge, causing all heads to turn to him.
Peach: Mario!
Mario: Peach!
Bowser Jr.: Papa!
Bowser: Mr. Writer!
Writer: Leave me out of this.
Peach: I knew you would come, Mario! But I have to ask...what stopped you from coming here right after Pinna Park?
Mario: A gate of half-inch-thick wooden panel.
Peach: Right next to a flaming volcano?
Mario: Yeah, go figure. And this guy [points to FLUDD].
Bowser: Mario! How dare you disturb my family vacation!
Mario: Jeez laweez, Bowser! How'd you get so huge?
Bowser: Well, you know how you're always eating mushrooms to get bigger, allowing you to take more hits, break rotating blocks and whatnot?
Mario: Yeah. Wait, don't tell me you actually took advantage of game mechanics!
Bowser: I did! To prepare for this moment, I've supplied myself with a plethora of mushrooms to keep me huge!
Bowser Jr.: Papa, I can't feel my toes.
Bowser: Go climb on the big boat toy, son. But the point is, Mario, you're screwed! There are no mushrooms to be found on this island, and I had them all imported from the Mushroom Kingdom straight to me!
Mario: [looks at Peach] And your government allows this to happen?
Peach: Mario, we don't even do anything about the castle he sets up in plain sight of everyone.
Bowser: Are you telling me that approach honestly doesn't work with anything I do?
Mario: Possibly. Oh yeah, what are those flame images painted on the ledges around this big Jacuzzi thing?
Bowser: Oh, those are for Junior when he's playing with the Rocket Nozzle. He sets up there and blasts up and down all day, totally fun. I made sure they were painted nice and bright so he wouldn't forget where those spots were. Incidentally, they also support the b-
Bowser and Mario stare at each other for a few seconds.
Bowser: You know what? I'm an idiot. But that's not going to stop me from destroying you! Come fight me, little man!
Bowser Jr. presses buttons frantically on his oversized toy boat, launching out numerous Bullet Bills. Bowser breathes fire at Mario, who runs away as fast as he can.
Mario: It's just like we said, FLUDD - Bowser does nothing that makes sense. Guess I'd better take out these five ledge supports, and then, uh...something will happen.
Mario stands on one of the flame-painted ledges, builds up pressure in the Rocket Nozzle, and blasts up. The Bullet Bills crash into the spot he was just in. At the peak of his ascension, Mario flips and lifts his legs up, plummeting back down. While aflame, he slams into the ledge, cracking it beyond repair. The pieces slowly begin to fall from the sky.
FLUDD: Now would be a good time to move, Mario.
Mario: I just caught on fire and crushed every bone in my freaking pelvis! Give me a little elbow room here!
Mario stands up stiffly and climbs up the pieces sliding down. Before he can fall with them, he clambers onto the outer rim of the giant tub, only to meet with a Bullet Bill. With a loud shriek, he dashes to the right, blasting over Bowser's fire breath and landing on the second ledge. Mario stops and sprays the Bullet Bills following him, destroying them and producing coins and water. He picks up the supplies and repeats the process for the next two minutes.
Bowser: Come on, Mario. Stop being cheap.
Mario: What do you mean, stop being cheap? You're the one with the infinite supply of mushrooms, the pool of flesh-dissolving acid, and the huge fire breath!
Bowser: I can't reach you from here, and you just keep destroying Junior's Bullet Bills. I knew it was a bad idea to put water and money in those things!
Mario: What was the point?
Bowser: I dunno, something about being caught in the middle of the ocean and the old "water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink" poem. Didn't think you'd make use of it, though!
Mario: Bowser, I make use of almost everything you do. You really need to stop seeing Ganondorf as a psychiatrist. Seriously.
Bowser: But he has the Triforce of Power!
Mario: But not the Triforce of Wisdom, and probably for good reason.
Bowser: Alright, that's it! I've had enough of you mocking me! Eat green pool acid, worm!
Mario: [building up pressure in the Rocket Nozzle] You can't eat liquid!
Mario rockets into the air as Bowser splashes a wave of pool water at him. He comes back down a moment later, immolated as before, and crashes into the ledge.
Mario: Righteous spaghetti of the heavens, I'm going to need a doctor after this. And a psychiatrist. Not Ganondorf.
Mario starts climbing up the falling pieces of the ledge as a wave of pool water gushes above him. He jumps onto the rim and starts running again.
FLUDD: Two down...only three to go...
Mario: You okay, FLUDD?
FLUDD: I think I got splashed with acid.
Mario: Oh.
FLUDD: And you keep catching on fire.
Mario: That too.
Mario runs to the next ledge and does the same thing. Each time, he just barely escapes from the crumbling ledge, and his pelvis will require even more medical attention when the day is over. He finally arrives at the fifth ledge.
FLUDD: Last one...Mario...
Mario: Gotcha!
Bowser: Shoot him, Junior!
Bowser Jr.: I'm trying, papa! You didn't have any actual guns installed in this thing!
Bowser: That's because it's a toy, not a weapon of mass destruction!
Bowser Jr.: Maybe we could kill him if we had one!
Mario closes his eyes solemnly, then launches into the air, performs another ground pound, and slams into the ledge. The giant bath tub turns completely over, spilling out all the green water and the characters inside.
Mario: AAAAAHHH!
FLUDD: What...are you screaming about...?
Mario: I knew I was supposed to break all the ledges, but somehow I didn't think this would happen! What do I do?
FLUDD: Survive comically...?
Mario: Isn't that what always happens? What about Peach?
High above, Peach is floating safely down by holding onto her parasol.
Mario: Of course. Why worry about the one who wins every Mario Party?
They fall for several more minutes. Mario squeezes his eyes shut and eventually feels himself ram into something soft. He realizes he has fallen headfirst into sand. After a brief struggle, he pulls himself out and looks around. He is on a small island with a palm tree in the middle. Peach lands gently beside him.
Mario: Are you alright?
Peach: A little unnerved is all. Bowser and his son landed far away. But what about FLUDD?
Mario looks at his back and notices FLUDD isn't there. The machine is laying in the sand in front of him. Mario crawls to FLUDD and picks him up.
FLUDD: Mario...we won...
Mario: Yeah, we did. The adventure finally comes to an end, huh?
FLUDD: Mario...I was so terrible to you...but I want to say one thing...
Mario: Yeah?
FLUDD: ...I'm sorry.
Mario: What?
FLUDD: I hope I was...of assistance...despite my cruelty...
Mario: Well, you were, actually...
Peach: This is so tragic...
FLUDD: There were many things...I wanted to do...
Mario: Can it really end like this?
FLUDD: But now...I can see the light...
Peach: Oh, FLUDD...
Mario: I don't know how I should be feeling!
FLUDD: Mario?
Mario: What?
FLUDD: Just kidding.
Only the sound of the wind is heard. Mario stares at FLUDD's nozzle.
FLUDD: I'm actually perfectly fine. Bowser's bathwater has no effect on me.
Mario: Well, nice to know you're still in character, FLUDD. Or is that nice?
Peach: Mario, look!
A giant Shine Sprite descends upon Delfino Plaza, lighting up the town. Dozens upon dozens of Piantas and Nokis litter the streets, shouting out praise and other random nonsense.
Pianta 87: The Shine Sprites are back!
Pianta 26: I'm so happy!
Noki 34: This is awesome!
Pianta 60: Mackabuh MUUHHH hum-bum!
Noki 18: How did all the water recede from this place so quickly?
Peach places her hand on Mario's shoulder and smiles.
Peach: You did it, Mario. You saved me, defeated Bowser, and returned all the Shine Sprites to their proper place.
FLUDD: Oh yes, about that...
Mario and Peach look down at FLUDD.
FLUDD: You actually have less than half of the total Shine Sprites right now. You're not even close, buddy.
Mario: You have got to be kidding me. That enormous Shine Sprite in Delfino Plaza doesn't count as ten or twenty of them?
FLUDD: I don't think it counts as even one.
Mario: Crap. CraaAAAP!
Peach: But we can take a vacation now, Mario. The immediate danger is over now. The island won't see any more threats, Bowser is gone, and there's no more graffiti. Those lazy police officers can let you off the hook. And then we can actually take a rest.
Mario: So no more parading around looking for Shine Sprites?
Peach: Not for the time being. Not if you don't want to.
FLUDD: I'll be waiting when you're ready to resume your epic quest.
Mario glances at FLUDD, then looks at Peach and grins.
Mario: So, where do you feel like eating?
At the same time, two disgruntled figures sit atop the overturned bath that used to be above Corona Mountain, staring at the sunset.
Bowser: Where did I go wrong?
Bowser Jr.: We had everything, didn't we? The carefully-laid-out plan, the magic paintbrush, the infinite supply of mushrooms...
Bowser: Yeah, which just ran out. By the way, I have something...difficult to tell you about Princess Peach. You see, she's...she's...
Bowser Jr.: Completely unrelated to me?
Bowser: How did you ever guess?
Bowser Jr.: I may not be a Rocket Nozzle scientist, but even I can tell that giant scary turtle plus beautiful young woman does not equal me.
Bowser: Yeah, I suppose that was a bit obvious.
Bowser Jr.: Someday, when I'm bigger...I want to fight that Mario again.
Bowser: That's my boy! The royal Koopa line is as strong as ever!
Bowser Jr.: It is? Who's my mother?
Bowser: ...Listen, Junior, I have something ELSE difficult to tell you...
Bowser Jr.: I'm adopted?
Bowser: Yes.
Bowser Jr.: I kind of had a hunch there, too.
Bowser: It's that cursed Mario's fault! Things were going so swimmingly here, and then he had to roll through all the random crap we threw at him and undo everything! This was supposed to be OUR vacation! It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but the next time I see him, I'm going to pound him into the dirt! By the time I'm finished with him, not even his mirror will be able to recognize - hey, what's this? [reaches into a compartment in his shell and pulls out a letter] It's an invitation to the next Mario Party! Alright! I knew he wouldn't forget about me! He's a good man, that one!
Bowser Jr.: Speaking of which, who's this Baby Bowser I keep hearing of?
Bowser: Oh...
Bowser Jr.: Something else difficult to tell me?
Bowser: Not really. He's adopted, too. Actually, they all are.
Bowser Jr.: I only ever heard of one after the first Mario Party.
Bowser: Oh, I used a few others for my schemes. Some of them ran the various business in Bowser Land. Ingenious, totally ingenious.
Bowser Jr.: Wasn't the whole bank thing your idea?
Bowser: That it was. Banks that steal your money and give only a slim chance of returning all the cash, most likely to someone else. I was going to make a huge profit during Western Land.
Bowser Jr.: That was an awesome idea, papa!
Bowser: In Western Land, people rob banks. In Soviet Western Land, banks rob people.
Bowser Jr.: You said it, papa! So...what are we going to do now?
Bowser: Now? Well...I guess this would be a good time for the ending credits to roll.
BLOOPER MARIO SUNSHINE CREDITS
Author - AllHailMario (a.k.a. Halo)
Publisher of Super Mario Sunshine - Nintendo
Inspiration for the entire fanfic - Anything and everything in Blooper Mario Sunshine
Ender of sugary cravings - Jelly Belly Jelly Beans
Does this credits list really need anything else?
Author's Note: Contrary to some beliefs and wishes, this is indeed the end of Blooper Mario Sunshine. Despite how lazy I often became during writing (almost four full years passed since its inception), it's been extremely fun to create. If I hadn't gotten it out, I probably would have gone insane.
Some quick announcements before you go: in case you are wondering, yes, Blooper Mario Sunshine does have its own picture now. I don't think you can see it that well, but it was designed just for this fic. Secondly, I am working on a novel called The Farewell's Chains which will hopefully be released within two years or so (gotta work quickly!). For more information on this novel, go see its description in the profile. A small website about The Legend of Zelda polls for what fans want to see in the future MIGHT also be in the works, but that is still a fairly small priority at this time.
Is this the end of my fanfic career? Yes and no. Don't expect any other full-blown fanfics hereafter, as they would distract me from writing on novels. However, I have too many goofy ideas to let go of, so a lot of one-shots will likely pop up. Stay tuned if you want more brief spurts of silliness.
Thanks for reading and putting up with my four-year procrastination!