Dating in the Dark Chapter 2: Effing hell!, a twilight fanfic

A/N: Hello! Welcome back for round two. I have to say a super-huge thank you to all the favorites, alerts, and reviews! You are all mega-awesome!

Thanks to my betas: Sovereignvision and Jenny Cullen.

*~*EPOV*~*

"Damn! She's a beast!" exclaimed Emmett as he took the phone out of my hands and assessed my latest conquest. We'd just finished our daily weight lifting session, and I finally showed him what I was up to last Friday night while we walked to the lockers. "I hope you didn't tap that. She looks like she could leave some serious funk behind."

"Well, no," I returned, quickly grabbing my phone and deleting the photo. "Not that it's any of your business anyway, but I haven't slept with her. I only took her out on one date. We didn't even kiss when I dropped her off at her apartment."

"You asked that mammoth out on a date?" Jasper questioned, making his way into the locker room at our local gym and joining our conversation. "I thought I warned you, man. She's way low on the totem pole, and you can do so much better."

"I know," I agreed, running my fingers through my sweaty hair and wrapping a towel around my waist. "I just haven't had any luck in the lady department lately, and I thought I'd try someone different."

"Someone different?" asked Emmett with a disgusted look on his face. "Or something different? She looked like a mix between Chewbacca and Pizza-the-Hut."

I laughed at Emmett and made my way to the showers. He and Jasper were right. I could do so much better, but for the past seven months, nothing seemed to go my way. Before that, I felt like I was on a roll, asking any girl out I wanted, not worrying if I had plans on the weekend, and being able to get laid on a regular basis. But then, my life turned upside down when a little known secret about me reared its ugly head. I'm still not convinced it wasn't Emmett. He'd been mad at me ever since I banged his ex-girlfriend, Lacey, and I was just waiting for him to get revenge. But he swore on his mother's grave it wasn't him, so I dropped it and moved on.

Unfortunately, I never did figure out who spilled the beans. In our small town just outside of Denver, Colorado, news travelled faster than you could spit. So, when someone ratted me out and said I was a ballet dancer on the side, the entire town knew by dinner-time, and I hadn't been able to land a decent date since. Hence, the monstrosity that I took out last Friday. I get chills just thinking about it.

Ever since Jasper, Emmett, and I met on the first day of high school, we'd been best buds. We always had each others' backs and tried to keep one another from making bad decisions, especially in the girl arena. So, when I told them my career path was to go to Julliard's School of Dance and become a professional ballet dancer, Jasper and Emmett tried their best to change my mind. But as stubborn as I was, I didn't listen, and now here I was, being shunned by all eligible women within a fifty-mile radius.

I really didn't get it, though. Being a danseur automatically made me damaged goods, but being a cheerleader didn't faze girls in the least. Emmett was a cheerleader all through high school and college, where he got his speech therapy degree. For some unknown reason, that made girls flock to his side. He got more head than Jasper and I combined, and he had the best day-job in the world. Not only did he have his pick of weekly pussy, but he got to hang out with major league baseball players on his days off. When he wasn't working at the grade school as their speech implementer, he was the mascot, Dinger, for the Colorado Rockies and loved every minute of it. I, on the other hand, travelled the world with dance companies, seeing corners of the earth some people only dreamed about, and girls didn't want anything to do with me. Must be the tights and leotards.

"Come on, Edward," said Emmett, grabbing his bag off the bench. "You had to know that was an awful idea to begin with. I mean… I know it must be difficult to have to pet the one-eyed-monster by yourself, but I wouldn't even wish that hideousness on Royce, and you know how much I hate that bastard."

"Yeah, we really have to get you laid, man," Jasper started, as we made our way to the car. "I can't stand the thought of you sinking as low as that ogre again. S-s-shit! She was nasty."

"Okay, I get it, already," I returned, buckling my seatbelt and turning on the car and heading home. "I won't make that mistake again. But you guys are going to have to help me out because now my reputation is tarnished. No amount of charm can convince ladies that spandex and tutus are sexy."

"That's because tutus and spandex aren't sexy," chuckled Jasper, then abruptly held his breath and shut his eyes as tightly as he could manage. "F-f-fuck! D-d-dammit!"

Poor Jasper. He was never the same after he hit puberty. At first, Emmett and I thought he was just exercising his ability to expand his vocabulary with colorful expletives. He'd shout them out randomly during conversations, often interrupting the other person talking. We started ignoring the outbursts, deciding they were simply annoying and he'd get over it if we left it alone, but then he told us what was really going on.

He'd invited us over to his house for the weekend during our sophomore year of high school, swearing he had big news he had to share with us. He sat on the floor in front of the couch with Emmett and I taking up residence on said sofa, all duking it out on his Nintendo64. I rolled my eyes at Emmett when Jasper announced he had news. He was always the sensitive one, and he liked to talk more than any guy I knew. So, when he asked us to spend the weekend at his house, we knew he must have been itching to tell us a secret. We had no idea it would throw us for a loop.

"Hey, guys?" Jasper begins, taking a deep breath and curling his legs underneath him. "I have something I need to tell you." He sets his game controller on the floor in front of him and leans back against the couch.

"What's up, Jazz?" Emmett asks, looking utterly bored already. "Spill."

"So, I know you've both noticed my outbursts. The one's where I scream curse words."

"No, man," I interrupt, messing with his head. "We have no clue what you're talking about."

"Fuck off, Edward," Jasper huffs, and swiftly turns, giving me a dead-leg. As I rub my shin, he continues, "Well, I've been seeing a doctor about it for around three months now, and he finally gave me a diagnosis this week."

"A diagnosis? For what… swearing too much?" Emmett snickers and reaches to me for a fist-bump, but I decline. I don't need another bruised shin.

"No," counters Jasper, glaring at Emmett. "Well, not exactly, anyway. The neurologist told me I have coprolalia, a symptom of Tourette syndrome. He said I have tics, too, but they're so minor that I never noticed them."

"You mean like when you squint your eyes really tightly, or flex your right shoulder almost constantly?" I question.

"Yeah!" Jasper smiles, happy that I really do pay attention. "That's exactly what the doc said, too. I never realize I'm doing it, though, and he said that's good because those tics will continue to subside as I get older. So will the swearing, apparently, but that's yet to be seen."

"Whoa, dude," interjects Emmett, sitting up straight and backing away from Jasper. "Are you contagious? I don't wanna get infected."

"You're a true dumbass, you know that?" returns Jasper, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "No, I'm not contagious, and I don't need meds, either. I can sort of control the symptoms, too. The best way to describe it is like when you feel a sneeze coming on and you stop it from happening. Same thing goes for the cursing. Only bad side to that is it usually bites me in the ass later in the day."

"Why? Do you internally combust?" I chuckle, thinking I'm making a joke, but quickly catch on that I'm not too far off.

"Kind of. If I suppress the cursing during school, then all that tension builds up and has to be released somehow, so it all comes out when I get home. That's why I bolt at the end of the day. I have to get home and relieve my internal combustion, as you put it."

"I'm sorry, Jazz," I apologize, patting his back. "I didn't know you actually had something wrong. Emmett and I just thought you were being obnoxious, so we ignored it whenever you started cursing. Is there anything you need us to do?"

"Thanks, Edward. I don't need you to do anything but what you're already doing. Just keep ignoring my outbursts and tics. Like I said, it's like a sneeze, so no big deal. Actually, you've already been a big help by ignoring me. It doesn't make me feel like an invalid that way."

The rest of that weekend was pretty normal. Well, as normal as it could've been after finding out one of my best friends had a neuropsychiatric disorder that caused him to be… random. Jasper was right, though. Already having practice at ignoring his tics and outbursts helped Emmett and me get over the fact that now he had a label. And that's all it would ever be; a label that was accompanied by some unfortunately timed muscle movements and hilarious profanities. Jasper even managed to develop new phrases we'd never heard before, like "dick snatcher" and my favorite, "pussy pumper." Emmett deemed that one would be Jasper's new motto when we found him riding the head cheerleader, Jennifer, after one of their practices.

Thankfully, no one ever truly picked on Jasper because of his symptoms. He wasn't ridiculed or belittled, and I'd like to think Emmett and I had something to do with that. In high school, Emmett was already enormously muscular and I was the star lacrosse goalie. Since no one dared get on Emmett's bad side for fear of ending up as part of the asphalt, and I'd make sure they were shunned for eternity to the nerd crew, everyone stayed on their best behavior, and Jasper had an awesome time in high school.

College was a little trickier because we all went our separate ways. I'd gone off to Julliard, Emmett went to Colorado State University, and Jasper decided to try out Vanderbilt University in Tennessee. Being so far apart made it difficult to protect Jasper, but he swore he was having a great time. We figured out later the reason he was so thoroughly enjoying himself was because he was one of three male students in the nursing program. Needless to say, he pretty much sailed through college with girls fawning all over him… and under him.

After spending four years separated by thousands of miles, we planned to finally get back together in Colorado. Our biggest motivation for choosing Denver was because Emmett had already landed the job as Dinger, and that was just too awesome to pass up. Jasper easily found a position as a psych nurse in a doctor's office at Children's Hospital Colorado, and I travelled all over the world, so Denver was as good a home-base as anywhere else.

It was an easy transition moving in with Jasper and Emmett. We bought a house and joined a gym. I travelled every few months, and they kept me up to date on anything I was missing while I was away. Living with them was both fun and interesting, even when we were pissed at each other.

"You have to promise us that you'll never talk to that chick again," Emmett pressed as we set our workout bags in our rooms. "Because I seriously may disown your ass if you take her out again."

"Don't worry, Em," I said and walked into the kitchen for a bottle of water. "I have no intentions of even calling her. But I've been feeling very defeated lately, so I really need your help."

"Well, you're in luck," Jasper jumped into the conversation, shaking his canister of Muscle Milk and lounging on the couch. "Emmett and I have made some arrangements that should clear up your losing streak."

"What are you talking about… made arrangements?" I questioned, freezing mid-step on my way to the recliner. "When? Where? With who? And how much is this gonna cost me?"

The last time I asked Emmett and Jasper for help, I ended up spending over two thousand dollars, got a wicked sunburn, and woke up with a massive hangover and no hair on my left nut. Not cool. That's why it had taken me so long to ask for their help this time. I really wasn't looking forward to a repeat performance, and to say I was apprehensive was an understatement.

"Just hear us out, okay, man?" Emmett started, slugging me in the arm on his way to the couch. "We wanted to do something that would get you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Your brooding is really getting on our nerves."

"We know you're not travelling for another two months," Jasper continued. "So we took the opportunity to make some travel plans of our own."

"Nope, no way. Not happening," I stammered, finally making it into my recliner, all while trying to figure out a way to get out of what was sure to be a huge mess.

"Just listen, Edward," Emmett glared at me from the sofa. "We really think this will work, and it's all we've got right now, so it's this or you're on your own."

"Plus," Jasper interrupted, "we already paid for it. You just have to fork over your portion when the trip is over."

"Oh, no," was all I could get out without blowing chunks. I rested my head in my hands and slowly shook my head, watching my life flash before my eyes.

"We leave in five days," added Emmett. "We're boarding a plane and heading to California. You know what they say about California?"

"No, Emmett," I deadpanned, staring straight at him with fire in my eyes. "What do they say?"

"Uh, well… it's… sunny?" Emmett backpedalled. "But I promise you it'll be so much fun you'll thank us when it's over."

"Would you two just spit it out already," I nearly screamed. I was getting pissed that they'd gone behind my back to make travel plans… and spent my money.

"All right, man," Jasper surrendered, shifting on the couch so he faced me. "We were watching TV awhile ago, and we came across a game show called 'Dating in the Dark.' We took it upon ourselves to register for the show, and they accepted us all to be contestants. We would've told you sooner, but we knew you'd freak and try to weasel your way out of going." Jasper closed his eyes tightly, suppressing a swear, and persisted, "That's why we leave in five days. You're going and you're gonna enjoy yourself."

"Besides," Emmett chimed in, "these girls won't know anything about you and your pansy-ass career. You can start with a clean slate and be as honest as you want. And super bonus… you don't have to look at them! You date them in complete darkness and only meet the ones that pique your interest."

Oh, this was getting shittier and shittier. How the hell was I supposed to date a girl I couldn't see? I am a man, after all, and there were certain physical characteristics that a girl needed to have in order for me to… get involved. Don't get me wrong. I wasn't opposed to feeling up some unsuspecting girls, but I also didn't want to come across as a major douchebag on national television. Then, instead of not being able to find a date in Denver, I wouldn't have a chance with any female in the continental US.

I rubbed my face harshly with my hands, shaking my head and willing for this all to be a joke. "You guys are kidding, right? This is all a big joke to see how far I'll actually go. Well, very funny, but I'll have to take a rain check. Catch me the next time you decide to plane hop to a game show."

I started getting up and walking to my room, when I noticed neither Jasper or Emmett were laughing.

"Edward," Jasper squeaked, "we're not joking around, bro. We really bought the tickets and we're going to be on that game show."

No. Fucking. Way. I stopped in the hallway and slowly turned around to face them again. "Look, I don't want to have to kill you two, so this better be worth it. I'll go because you've planned it already, but if I come back and haven't made any progress with the ladies, you'll both pay."

Jasper and Emmett both shook their heads and smiled like idiots. They whooped and fist bumped, and I rolled my eyes, making my way to my room. They were lucky I was in a semi-decent mood, because their heads were going to roll if this turned out badly. I'm not sure what made them think this would've been a good idea in the first place, but I had a feeling Emmett was the mastermind and Jasper was along for the ride just as much as I was.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

"For the love of all that's holy!" I yelled and ran my fingers through my hair. I was sitting on my bed with my laptop, checking our flight time and wasn't pleased. "Did you two seriously reserve a flight for six-thirty in the morning?"

"Uh, yeah," Emmett returned, peeking his head into the hallway from the living room. "When else were we supposed to go?"

"A later flight would have been more appropriate, nimrod. Now, we have get up at O'Dark-thirty to catch the flight on time. And you're a dick when you're tired."

"Sorry, man. We just have to be at the studio in the early afternoon, and we wanted to make sure we were there with time to spare."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Whatever the reason, this was still the dumbest idea ever. We were leaving in less than forty-eight hours, and I was still holding out hope they'd claim bullshit.

"What the hell do we take with us?" I asked, walking down the hallway on my way to the refrigerator.

"Clothes, shoes, hair gel…" Emmett rambled as I pulled out fixings for a sandwich.

"I know that, idiot," I said, rolling my neck to relieve the building tension. "What I mean is, this is a game show, so do they require us to bring certain things?"

"Not that I know of. They never told us anything out of the ordinary. Only things we know are we'll be taped, it'll be dark, and there may or may not be a Jacuzzi on our side of the mansion."

Figured. I never should have started that conversation with Emmett. I thought Jasper might know more, anyway, so I waited till he got home from work to ask him instead. Unfortunately, I wasn't any closer to answers with Jasper at the helm than with Emmett. Neither of them knew more details, and I found myself stressing over what to pack.

We left for the airport at three o'clock on the rainiest day in Colorado's history. That's an omen if I ever saw one. After checking my bag with what I hoped to be adequate attire and accessories secured inside, we boarded our flight and waited for take-off. Not only was I still pissed about this entire ordeal, I was now also thoroughly surprised it was actually happening. I never thought they'd really be able to pull something like this off without me knowing, and here I was, nestled between a bearded woman and a man that reeked of vomit and old feet, on a plane heading to a game show that promised pitch black dating rooms and girls that could either be drop-dead gorgeous or "Drop-dead Fred."

I closed my eyes, plugged in my iPod, and attempted to calm my nerves as we made our way into the sky. At least the kid behind me wasn't kicking my seat… Nope, spoke too soon. For his sake, I hoped this flight was short, because not only was I planning his slow and painful death, but I was verging on the possibility of taking down this whole damn plane "Lost" style. Dying a fiery death didn't seem so bad when I was faced with several days ahead of the unknown. I just hoped one of the girls would let me get my grope on, be half-way decent to look at… and not care that I wore leotards for a living.

A/N: Now, we've met our boys. I see all kinds of fun things in store for our future couples. Next up, they arrive at the mansion. Let's hope they all make it there okay…

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