A/N: Howdy all! Nice to see you still aboard. Thanks for the continued favorites, alerts, and reviews! They light up my inbox, and make me smile :) And also, big squishy hugs to cmpdred for bugging her friend with emails and rec'ing this story! Love you!

Thanks to my betas: Sovereignvision and Jenny Cullen.

Thanks to Donut Magnet for the revenge idea. You'll know it when you see it, sweets! ;)

Thanks to hneybee36 for reminding me this should be labeled with a big, fat NSFW! It's also probably safe to warn you not to consume food or beverages of any kind while reading… Your reading devices will thank you ;) (thanks drpharmgrl)

Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own a three month old that loves my boobs almost as much as my husband. © 2011 twicrack83

*~*EPOV*~*

"Worst. Flight. Ever," Emmett boomed as we piled into the taxi.

"It wouldn't have been that bad," I reprimanded, squishing myself between Emmett and Jasper. "But then you had to go and proposition the flight attendant, and she refused to serve us drinks the entire flight."

"I know! What a hoochie!" he huffed.

Jasper shook his head and glanced at me, "God, I hope he finds his soul mate on this show. I can only handle so much man-whoring."

"My thoughts exactly," I replied, nodding and sinking into my seat. "I kinda hope we all find someone special."

Emmett rolled his eyes. I knew he thought I was a pussy, but I also knew he was feeling the same way. We'd all showed signs of getting ready to find the perfect person. Surprisingly, Emmett was the one who actually mentioned it first. If I remembered correctly, his exact words were, "All I want is someone I can come home to, who will willingly drop to their knees on a regular basis and let me take them doggie-style." Now, I know what you're thinking. Not the most romantic thing in the world, but at least he had it narrowed down to only wanting one girl. Major improvement if you ask me.

On the other hand, Jasper and I had more productive talks about our futures with female companions. We often talked about finally settling down, what qualities we wanted in a wife, and even how many kids we'd like to have.

What? Guys can talk about that stuff, too. Don't judge. I know you think it's hot.

If I was really being honest, my lack of girl play in the previous months was more due to my wanting of a steady girlfriend than my career choice hindering my chances. Truthfully, I just wanted the same thing as Emmett, but in a not so crude way… well, maybe sometimes, but that's neither here nor there.

"That'll be thirty-five dollars, gentlemen," said the cab driver when we arrived at the mansion.

Jasper paid the driver while Emmett and I grabbed our bags from the trunk of the car. We slowly made our way into the house and were greeted by several members of the television crew. They showed us to our wing of the house, which to Emmett's delight included an oversized Jacuzzi.

"Hey, man," Emmett started, "when do the ladies get here?"

A particularly geeky guy, wearing Buddy Holly glasses and carrying around a pen and clipboard answered, "Uh, well… they won't be arriving until later this evening. I think there was some confusion at the airport, but you won't be able to see them, anyway. We'll make sure you're sequestered when they drive up and walk into the house. Don't want to spoil the surprise, now would we?"

"So, we won't even meet them until tomorrow, right?" Jasper questioned, peeking his head into the refrigerator, seeming pleased with the assortment of food.

"Correct, sir. You will all film your entrances in the morning, individually. Then you'll go on the group date in the evening."

We all nodded and continued staking out the living quarters. Each getting our own rooms, we also had a huge living area, a fully stocked kitchen, and more free time than we knew how to handle. This was great, but could potentially go downhill very fast, especially with a bored Emmett on our hands.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked Emmett when he suggested a game of truth or dare. "We haven't played that since high school."

"Oh, come on. It'll be fun. Are you scared, Edward?" he taunted and fell onto the couch next to me.

"Scared? Of what? You asking juvenile questions or coming up with the same dares over and over again? I don't think so. I'm just not in the mood."

Jasper eyed me wearily from the chair across the room and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. "But you're scared of something else. I can tell, man. What's up?"

"I'm not a hundred percent sure, but I think I'm freaking out about this whole thing still. I just don't feel psyched about any of it. Maybe even nervous is a good word."

"When was the last time you whacked off, bro?" Emmett questioned.

"Fucking hell, Emmett," I responded. "I told you I don't want to play truth or dare."

"No, man. Seriously, when was the last time? If it's been awhile, then maybe that will help you relax."

Valid point. Emmett wasn't always a doofus, especially when it came to matters of jerking it. He'd introduced me to my first toy in that arena, and I'd been happy with my Fleshlight ever since. But I was also getting tired of using it, and really wanted to send it to sex toy heaven and replace it with a real girl. Unfortunately, finding a woman who wasn't afraid of my tight wearing tendencies was becoming a challenge. I hoped this trip would prove me wrong and give me the girl of my dreams.

"Yeah, um, I guess it has been awhile, Em," I sighed, running my hand through my hair. "I just haven't really thought about it lately, you know? All my energy has been focused on disguising the true me, that it's been the last thing on my to-do list."

"Dude, that should always be on your to-do list. Even Jazz knows that, and he hardly ever gets girls."

"Hey, asshole," Jasper interrupted, sitting up straight in his chair and glowering at Emmett. "I get girls. I just don't believe in boinking every single one of them, like you do. F-f-fuck! S-s-shit! Now, look what you've done!"

Jasper contorted his features as a fit started, and he tried to suppress it. Whenever he got worked up over anything, it threw his symptoms into overdrive. Being with a girl was one of those particular times, but in the heat of the moment, none of the ladies seemed to mind. However, it was mainly due to something Emmett said or did, and I ended up getting pissed off at him for it.

"Dammit, Em! You know not to provoke Jazz like that," I screamed, and smacked him upside his head. "You better keep it cool tomorrow during the group date, or I'll be forced to provide a long overdue beat down."

Emmett cowered away from me and apologized, "Shit! I know, man. Sorry, Jazz. But you guys both know I get on edge when I'm nervous, and then my mouth starts going faster than my brain can alert me to my mistake. I'll try harder, promise."

Shaking my head and rubbing my eyes with the heels of hands, I sank into the couch and took several cleansing breaths. Sometimes I felt like I was a constant mediator for these two, always playing the good guy just to keep things sane. The majority of the time, we got along swimmingly, but sometimes I felt like hauling off and smacking one of them.

"Are you two gonna behave tomorrow, or am I gonna be forced to keep you both in line?"

Jasper had calmed from his fit and was rolling his neck and shoulders. "Yeah, Edward. Don't worry about me. As long as motor-mouth over there can keep his thoughts to himself, I shouldn't have a problem controlling my symptoms."

I stared down Emmett until he responded, "Dude, I said I'd try harder. That's all I can give you right now. You may have to give me a signal if I start getting out of control. Maybe tap my shoulder or something."

"Fine," I agreed, getting up to walk to my room. "I'll either cut into the conversation or kick you if you get too crazy. But you're both on your own for the single dates, so you better get a grip on your situations before then."

They both nodded, and I shut the door to my room and plopped on the bed before they could get in another word. I was not going to be their babysitter this entire trip. I did that too much as it was, and this was supposed to be a mini-vacation. And mind you, a vacation they planned without me, which was supposedly for my own good. I severely hoped they could get their acts together in the next couple of days, or these girls were gonna laugh us off the show.

Knock, knock. "Need a magazine in there?" Emmett asked from outside my room.

"Dammit, Emmett!" I hollered towards my door. "I'm trying to take a nap."

"Well, I just thought you might wanna…"

"I'm not gonna blow my load here, so shut it!"

"Shutting it!"

Ugh! I knew he meant well, but I didn't want to hear it right now. A nap truly seemed like a good idea. It would at least take my mind off of the next several days, and I was sorely in need of a break… and we'd only just arrived.

Closing my eyes, I ran through the days' events, analyzing the details. Plane ride… relatively uneventful. Getting settled in the mansion… pretty cool. Emmett… usual douchebag tendencies. Jasper… needed some encouragement before tomorrow. Slipping further into sleep, I thought of ways to help Jasper relax before the date. He always did better when others were calm around him, so I'd have to be as composed as possible. I'd have to keep Emmett in check, as well, to ensure a seamless interaction with the girls. Easier said than done. I had my work cut out for me, and when sleep finally took over, I knew tomorrow would be the most difficult date of my life.

/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/

*~*BPOV*~*

"Is this how you're gonna act the entire time we're here?" asked Alice, as we deboarded the plane and made our way to baggage claim. "Because you're really starting to get on my nerves."

"Acting what way?" I replied, in no mood to converse with her or anyone for that matter. "You mean distant and pissed. I think I have every right to act like this since you've hijacked my sanity to fly me halfway across the US to be videotaped for your viewing pleasure. Just be thankful I'm restraining my curse words right now."

I glared at Alice and a look of shock bounced across her face right before understanding then terror. She distanced herself from me slightly, before pushing Rose between us. She knew if she stepped on my toes anymore this trip I'd start flinging out the swears just to make her suffer. Nope, I was definitely not above torturing my best friends for what they'd done to me.

"Bella, would you give it a retht," Rose huffed, pulling her luggage off the trolley. "Lighten up already and enjoy yourthelf. You're only making it harder for everyone involved, and we thought you'd really like a vacation."

Damn. She pulled out her sad eyes and even pouted a little at the end there. Rose knew it broke my heart to make them miserable, but I just wasn't feeling this trip at all. The only thing that could make this worth it would be if one of the guys was built of steel and knew what to do with his hands… and his dick, but who was keeping track.

"I'm sorry," I returned, really trying to mean it. "I thought we were going to plan the next vacation together. It was supposed to be a girlie thing, but I just feel side-swiped. I guess it wouldn't be so weird if I was informed in the first place."

"Well, you know why we didn't?" Alice started, not seeming too scared of me anymore. "We thought you'd scream and pitch a fit until we gave it up, but this just seemed like so much fun that we had to sign up."

I rolled my eyes and rubbed the back of my neck with my hand. Alice was dead-on. I would have given them hell for this idea, and they never would have gotten their way. We probably would've decided on another destination, and who knows how that would've turned out. So, I supposed this was as good an idea as any.

Resigning to the fact that fate would take over from here on out, I trusted that Rose and Alice made a good decision on our vacation. Because really, what could go so wrong that I would end up regretting spending quality time with my girls. We shall see. I still wasn't entirely convinced of a positive outcome.

And my fears came true. After waiting for over an hour at the baggage trolley, I realized my luggage was nowhere to be found. Suppressing a full-out hissy fit, I stomped over to the little, old lady sitting at the airline kiosk and grumbled about my lack of suitcase.

"Excuse me," I said, as politely as I could manage, "I need to figure out how to get my bag. It apparently didn't arrive with us, and I'm sorely in need of clothing and a toothbrush for the next week, seeing as how indecent exposure isn't an option in our society and dental hygiene is a top priority."

The old lady hunched forward on her stool and got her face as close to the computer screen as possible without bumping into it with her gnarly nose. "What's your name, sweetie, and which flight did you come in on?"

I cringed as her gravelly voice grated on my nerves and answered, "Isabella Swan, and we flew on Southwest Airlines flight 856. We had a layover in Dallas-Fort Worth."

"Ah, well there's your problem," she paused, slowly pecking away at the keyboard. "Your bags didn't make it through the layover. They're en route now, though. We can set up delivery to where you're staying, if you'd like."

Okay, maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. "Sure, that'd be great." I gave her the address to the mansion-slash-film-set, and she started clicking at the keys again.

"Thanks, hun. I sent in the information, and the airline will deliver it right to your door… sometime within the next forty-eight hours."

My jaw dropped open and I almost jumped across the counter to strangle the poor woman. Thankfully, Alice and Rose recognized my shift in temper before I made a scene, and they each grabbed an arm before I made a flying leap. I was fixing to go on a rampage, and the old lady knew it. Before I had time to take a breath, the lady whipped out her can of mace, cocked it, and sprayed it right at my eyes. Fuck, that shit burned!

"Spicy eyes! Spicy eyes!" I screamed, clawing at my face and scrambling backwards, willing the sensation to go away. "You stupid… ugh… oh my god! This stings!"

"Security's on their way!" shouted the old lady.

Great. Just what I needed. I could feel Alice and Rose pulling me around, and they eventually got me calmed down enough to sit in a chair. Seriously debating ripping my eyeballs out of their sockets, I contained my curses and waited for the security officers to show up. Not two minutes later, I was being escorted to a back room and questioned about involvement in terrorist activities.

"I just want my bag, officers," I pleaded, trying to justify my actions. Staring up at them, as blurry as they were, I explained, "Overreaction is a fault of mine. I tend to take things way out of proportion, and when the kiosk attendant stated that my much needed luggage would be delayed, I sort of lost my temper. But I assure you, I never meant her any harm, and I apologize for scaring her."

Apparently, my statement satisfied them, and they led me to the first-aid area so I could get my eyes washed out. Even after all the water in the world, my eyes and most of my face was a lovely shade of fire truck red. Maybe the make-up artist on the show would have some tricks to cover up my blotchy skin as well as my stupidity. At least the guys wouldn't see me like this. I had several days before the "reveal," so I still had the cover of darkness on my side.

Walking back out to meet up with Rose and Alice, I hid my discolored face from passer-bys the best I could.

"Serves you right, Bella," Alice snickered, pointing to the waiting taxi. "If you weren't such a sour-puss all the time, bad things wouldn't happen to you like that. Now, let's get you out of here before anyone else starts staring."

All I could do was nod slowly as we made our way into the car. I was thoroughly deflated from my afternoon of humiliation, and Rose took sympathy on me. She casually combed her fingers through my hair on the way to the mansion, offering words of encouragement and trying her best at cheering me up. I had to admit, it helped a lot.

As the mansion came into view, I took a deep breath and held it. The next several days were going to test my courage and my sanity, but I had my girls with me, and if nothing else, I knew they'd be coming home with me, too. Now, all I had to do was embrace the inevitable and hope to hell my suitcase made it to me before filming began.

A/N: Poor Bella. Maced and blotchy. Not a good first impression… but at least the boys won't be able to see her. See, there's always a silver lining. Now, will her luggage arrive in time?

And Edward… hmmm. To self-love or not to self-love? That is the question. Help me decide by telling me in a review or messaging me on Twitter!

Like my grandmother would say, "I got the Twitter!" Follow me – twicrack83 – I'll post story nonsense, but mostly it will just be me… well, being random.

Next up, the intros and group date. Woot!

Teaser for reviewing! See you soon! ;)