Cool, calm, confident, together. That's how people see me. They think I have it all. A job with authority and respect, a husband and 3 fantastic children.
That's gone now. It was all taken from me. Everything.
I've never felt so humiliated. People that I knew, respected and liked, staring at me, discussing my future. My options.
Now I don't know who I am. The one thing that defined me has been taken. Standing here, not knowing who I am anymore.
I walk down the corridor, people stopping and staring. Talking about me quietly.
I felt exposed, humiliated. Bare. Like I have nothing to offer to anyone. Which is true. I don't. Not anymore. I'm not the person people think I am. I'm probably not who Gordon fell in love with.
I lost something important that night. Lost it and there's no way of getting it back. I can't just do something and expect it to come back. Because I know it never will.
Could say that I'm damaged now. Damaged forever.
I keep asking myself if Gordon will still want me. He was so keen to start a family. And now I can't give him that, and it hurts. It hurts like I can't breathe.
People expect me to carry on like nothing ever happened. I can't do that. It happened and I'm never going to get over it. It'll always be there. Haunting me.
I try to carry on. Thought going back would be a good thing. Keep my mind focussed on other things.
And it did. Until it caught up with me.
I'm not as strong as people like to think. The mask I've been hiding behind is rapidly wearing off.
Soon people will see the real me.
People can see right through me, and I won't have anything to hide behind anymore.
People are trying to shield me from reality. Restricting what I do. Thinking it will be easier for me. Not knowing that I'll have to face it sooner or later.
I can't stop panicking. Worrying. I shouldn't be like this. I'm a doctor. I have to stay calm. I make mistakes and people die. I thought I could handle it.
I have nothing to offer anyone. The things I kept hidden away from the world now on show for the whole world to see. Like some public attraction.
Now I'm possessionless.