Dating in the Dark Chapter 5: Fffor the Love of All That's Holy!, a twilight fanfic

A/N: Welcome back for another exciting round of my crazy plot. This chapter's entirely in EPOV, so hope you enjoy!

Thanks soooo much for all the positive feedback! I love reading your hilarious reviews, and have gotten some awesome ideas for future chapters. Thanks lovelies for letting me pick your brains! Also, thanks for the continued reviews, alerts, and favorites! They make me squee like a tweeny-bopper.

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Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK

*~*EPOV*~*

"Dude, are you ready?" Emmett asked and peeked into my room when he returned from his introduction taping. "You're next, bro. They want you down there like yesterday."

"I know," I sighed, stepping away from the window and running my fingers through my hair for what was probably the thirtieth time that day… and it wasn't even noon yet. "I can't figure out what to wear. Everything just seems wrong."

"Well, if you'd put the clothes on instead of staring at it lying on the bed, I bet you'd make some progress."

"Smartass."

"Yes, but I only speak the truth."

"Hurry up, man," Jasper interrupted as he poked his head around the door frame. "The producer's having a shit-fit because you're ruining his schedule. You're the last one to tape before the girls, so get a move on."

I hurriedly threw on my shirt and pants then chased after the poor crew member who was sent to fetch me. In my haste, I left my shirt untucked and failed to button it correctly, leaving the bottom askew. Haphazardly running my fingers through my hair in an attempt to tame the wild, I went up to the producer and offered my apologies.

"I don't give a flying fuck why you're late," he grumbled and slouched in his chair, his greasy hair plastered to his balding head. He took a drag from his smoke and coughed, causing his pot-belly to come dangerously close to falling off his lap. "You needed to be here ten minutes ago, so now we only have time for one take." He paused, looking me up and down with a disgusted look on his face. "Kids these days," he mumbled before giving me further directions.

Really? This middle-aged, nose-picking, comb-over wearing, knuckle fucker had the audacity to give me a disgruntled look and proceed to march me around the premises like I was a piece of shit for ruining his schedule. Well, I was the best thing to happen to this show since it started, and I was going to have him groveling in the shadow of my awesomeness before the take was over.

"Aro, sir," interrupted the Buddy Holly crew member from yesterday, tiptoeing to the producer and tapping him on the shoulder. He cowered away quickly when Aro turned to him, but continued squeakily, "Umm, sir… the girls have informed me that, uh…"

"Get on with it, you waste of space!" Aro yelled, not two inches from the poor guys face.

"Yes, sir. Umm, well, they're running a little behind schedule themselves. Something about a suitcase and shampoo."

"Fuck me!" huffed Aro, shaking his head. "We'll just have to deal with it. I hate tardiness."

Well, it seemed like someone had unresolved issues with being late. I'm thinking too many ruler smacks to the back of his hands in grade school. He probably had an S&M fetish, too, with whips, chains, and those leather outfits with metal studs protruding from everywhere and holes in just the right places.

Eww, I think I just threw up in my mouth from that mental picture.

When Aro was finished reaming the crew member for being the bearer of bad news, he started parading me around the mansion, trying to find the perfect lighting to tape my introduction spiel. Unfortunately, I found out they already knew I was a ballet dancer. So much for keeping my secret from the entire continental US. I did, however, get them to agree to call it "professional dancer" on my title for the actual show. That didn't sound as pansy-ish, right? No, but it did sound a little like I was a Chip 'N Dale performer. Naughty!

Finally finding the optimum lighting, I began my taping with a bang, "Hello. I'm Edward Cullen, and I'm here to fuck you senseless."

Okay, so maybe I didn't really say that, but could you imagine? Girls across the US internally combusting from my swoon-worthy smile and the word "fuck" slipping sensuously from my lips. I can practically hear the panties dropping now.

"Cut the shit, Cullen," glowered Aro from behind the camera. "I don't have all day for your shenanigans."

I had to keep from snickering at that one. I hadn't heard that word since my mother yelled at me for writing my name in piss on the kitchen wall when I was five.

"Hello. I'm Edward Cullen. I'm a twenty-seven year old professional dancer from Denver, Colorado. I guess you could say I'm tired of wading my way through countless dates that end nowhere, and I'm ready to meet the girl of my dreams… And she better be smokin' hot!" I ended with my best crooked smile and ran my fingers through my hair for good measure.

Aro actually liked that take, and practically shoved me out the front door with my suitcase. Apparently, parts of my speech would run as the TV audience watched me walking up the driveway to the mansion, luggage in tow. Classy.

"Cut!" Aro screamed, rolling his eyes and waving me away. "Get your ass back to your room before the girls get here, Cullen. I can't have you fucking up their takes, too."

"Sure. Whatever, dickwad," I replied, flipping him the finger and turning for the stairs.

When I reached the top, I looked over my shoulder and noticed Aro was fuming from my "shenanigans." I started laughing, and before I knew it, I had a rabid, balding, obese man hurtling towards me at lightning speed.

Oh, it's on, fat man!

Taking the stairs two at a time, Aro, and all his glorious blubber, bounded closer and closer to me. I crouched down slightly, waiting just long enough for him to get within arm's reach. The staircase shook with every one of Aro's footfalls, and fury was spewing from his eyes. The second he made contact with my outstretched hands, I jumped from the floor simultaneously pushing off his shoulders. Flipping over his head in a graceful twist, I bent my frame so my feet connected with his back. Aro lost his already unsteady balance and went crashing to the floor with my feet planted firmly in his fat rolls. It was all very "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," if you ask me.

Easily steadying myself on Aro's back, I lifted one foot and used it to smash his face into the marble. "You'll learn very quickly not to mess with me, donkey-fucker. I don't think you really understand the repercussions of your actions, but you've started a life of misery for yourself. This was just a taste of the pain you could be in. Are we clear?"

"Yes! We're clear!" Aro groaned under my continued pressure.

"Good, because I wouldn't want to ruin this craptastic, little show you have here."

Jumping off Aro's back, I made my way to our side of the mansion. I didn't even look behind me as I sauntered away, knowing full well I'd scared the living daylights out of him. I think I scared the piss out of him, too, from the puddle that formed as I threatened him.

When I returned to the suite, Emmett and Jasper were lounging on the couch flipping through the channels on the TV. They each had a beer in hand and looked thoroughly bored.

"Wait, go back," Emmett suggested, sitting straighter in his seat. "I think I saw cleavage."

"You've said that eight times in the last five minutes," Jasper countered. "And two times it was wrinkly, old woman boobs, so I'm not taking any more chances. I'm gonna have to bleach my eyeballs."

"Hey, guys," I announced, walking through the door. "No luck finding porn, Em?"

"Not even close. How difficult can it be to fork over the cash for a little skin-e-max once in awhile? We're guests here. They should do everything they can to make us comfortable."

"So, you want them to actually give you a wanking then," I presumed, punching him in the shoulder before sitting in the armchair next to the couch.

"Well, if they're offering…"

"Come on, Em. Try to calm yourself, will you?" Jasper interrupted, turning to face me. "Ever since you left for your taping, Edward, I've had to suffer through him whining about not having anyone to bang."

"Whatever, pencil-dick," Emmett scoffed, yanking the remote from Jasper's hand. "I didn't complain that much and you're both feeling it, too. You just won't admit it…"

"We're not afraid to admit it," Jasper continued. "We just don't need to announce it every time our dick tickles."

"And on that note, I'm leaving," I said, shaking my head at them and heading toward my bedroom.

I could hear them bickering back and forth from down the hall, but didn't care enough to step in. I just hoped they would keep it together for tonight when the girls were present. Nothing like two grumpy asswipes to kill the mood.

Meandering around my room, killing time until the group date, I kept thinking back to Emmett's advice to jerk one off. The anxiousness was really getting to me, and it had been quite awhile since I partook in… relaxation activities. I really didn't want to do that here, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Just rub one out and the nervousness will disappear.

I should do PSAs for whacking off.

Giving into my basic instincts, I made my way to the bathroom. Jasper and Emmett were nowhere to be found, so I figured I was home-free. Not having any magazines or movies to help me out, I resorted to my favorite fantasy… Natalie Portman as the lonely widow in "Cold Mountain," but I take it from her like a man, unlike Jude Law. Pussy.

What? I didn't say it was fancy.

Closing the bathroom door and making sure it was locked, I unbuttoned my pants and let them and my boxers fall to the ground. I shut my eyes and allowed my mind to drift away to North Carolina in the 1860s.

I'm battered and beaten from deserting the war, withering away to nothingness after weeks without ample nutrition. My limbs are weak and barely carry me to through the thick brush I use as my cover. I'm freezing and in need of a good meal and a place to sleep for the night. I don't think I'll survive another cold night outdoors.

Cautiously peeking through the trees, I spy a solitary cabin with smoke billowing from the chimney. I decide to take my chances and approach, risking my safety, but knowing it's my only chance at survival. Stepping out from the trees and into the open expanse in front of the house, I walk quickly to the porch. As if she senses my approach, Natalie throws open the front door, rushing me inside to warmth and protection from the elements and cavalry.

She's wearing a long, corset-topped dress, and her breasts threaten to spill over the top. The sleeves of her clothing are loose and hang down so her shoulders are exposed, and a slight blush erupts on her chest from the blatant staring I'm doing. She offers me a bowl of stew that's brewing over a fire, but as hungry as my mind tells me I am, my body can't ignore the call of her flesh.

"I'm sorry to decline, ma'am, but I'm not hungry for stew."

Her blush deepens and she lowers her gaze to my trousers, where an evident bulge is present. I stalk towards her, licking my lips and reveling in the way her eyes widen at the size of my desire. When I finally reach her side of the room, I grab her around the waist and pull her tiny frame to me. My lips crash down on hers, and she sighs into my mouth.

Opting for a quick release, I tear away our clothing, leaving them in an untidy pile at our feet. I grip her under her plump behind and pick her up off the floor. She automatically wraps her thighs tightly around my hips for leverage, and I feel her heat burning into my abdomen. My length throbs as I race for the bed in the next room, and I capture her lips once again.

We fall on the bed with her underneath me, and I trail soft, needy kisses from her neck, across her collar bones, and down her breasts. I suck her nipples into my mouth, paying equal attention to both, and she arches from my touch. Skimming my hand down her stomach, I slide my fingers through her soft curls. Finding warmth and wetness signaling her readiness, I plunge two fingers inside her, gaining moans of approval. Not willing to waste another second, I remove my fingers and bury myself deep in her. We groan at the sensation, and I happily pound my way to ecstasy.

Stroking my dick as fast as I could manage without actually ripping it off, I worked feverishly towards release. Base to tip, base to tip. I squeezed my hand tighter as I felt myself getting close. Gathering some pre-cum on my palm for lube, I focused my efforts on the head, gaining optimal sensation for a speedy orgasm.

Hey, I'm nothing if not efficient.

Starting to tremble, I gripped onto the sink counter for support. My balls tingled and tightened, and just as I was about to send my little swimmers down the porcelain pony, I heard knocks on the bathroom door.

"Hurry up and pinch off the loaf, man. We have to get to the black room."

My balls continued to tighten, but now they were burning for relief, and nausea spiked in my stomach. I'd lost all train of thought in my fantasy, and I couldn't bring myself to finish the deed.

"Bloody-fucking-shit, Emmett!" I screamed toward the door, pulling up my boxers and pants. Tenderly tucking my abused package away, I swung open the door. "God dammit, you cock weasel! I'm gonna rip off your nut-sack! You just gave me blue balls."

"Whoa! Sorry, bro," he replied, putting his hands up in mock surrender. "If I would've known you were petting one-eyed-willy in there, I never would've interrupted. You need that shit worse than I need air right now. Do you want me to let you be for a minute? I can create a diversion for the film crew so you can finish?"

"No, thanks. The moment's gone anyway," I huffed and stomped toward the living room. "Just don't fuck with me tonight, or I'll make good on my threat."

"Understood," Emmett confirmed, walking up beside me. "I have a liking for my nut-sack, and don't need it removed unnecessarily."

Jasper looked at us wearily and opened his mouth to question, but quickly shut it when he noticed my evil glare. "Okay. Not fucking with Edward tonight."

"Good plan, Jazz," whispered Emmett as we followed the film crew to the black room, "especially if you're fond of the family jewels remaining intact."

+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+

"So, we just sit in there and wait for the girls?" I asked, already perplexed as to how this situation would play out.

"Yes, sir," responded the crew member, as we all stood outside of the black room door, waiting to go in. "When I let you through this door, you'll all need to make sure it closes behind you before proceeding through the next door and into the actual black room. Once inside the room, you will not be able to see anything at all. Use your other senses to make your way through the room to a table that is set up containing six chairs, three on each side. You will all need to sit on one side or the other, so when the girls come in, they can sit opposite of you. Cameras are rolling at all times when you're in the black room, so anything you say or do will be monitored. When we see you've all taken your seats, we'll go retrieve the girls to meet up with you."

We all nodded in unison, eager to get into the room. I was still sensitive from my earlier failed attempt at masturbation, but was thankful the girls wouldn't be able to notice my discomfort. As for the studio audience, they were gonna get an eyeful of me gingerly rearranging my junk every few minutes. Consider yourselves privileged, ladies. I don't let just anyone watch me fondle the goods.

After fumbling our way through the darkness to our seats, we waited for several minutes for the girls to arrive. I took the middle seat, hoping to head off any adverse interactions between Emmett and Jasper that would lead to a meltdown. For the most part, we stayed quiet, too anxious to really say anything. Every once in awhile, I'd sigh and run my fingers through my hair. Jasper sensed my nervousness and externalized it by bouncing his leg. Emmett, on the other hand, thought humming early '90s rap songs was an appropriate way to kill time. He was in the middle of "Baby Got Back" when we heard the doorknob click.

"Oh my god… I can't make out anything."

"Bella? Are you still here?"

"Yes, and stop pushing. I'm trying to find the table."

Sitting in complete silence now, Jasper, Emmett, and I simply listened to them shuffle to their seats across from us. You'd think we'd have announced our presence by now, but we were all struck dumb at their abrupt intrusion.

"Do you think they're in here?"

"I don't know. I can't remember if that guy said they would be or not."

"I wasn't paying attention either."

Silence again. It seemed that no one wanted to make the first move, so I drew in a deep breath and went for it.

"Good evening, ladies."

"Eeeek!"

"Oh, crap!"

"Don't do that!"

"Sorry," I apologized, holding back a chuckle. "My name's Edward. I'm sitting in the middle. Emmett is to my right."

"Hello, sexy ladies," Emmett said.

"And Jasper is to my left."

"Hi," Jasper mumbled, and I could tell he was staring at his hands on his lap. I hoped he wasn't so nervous he'd go into an attack.

"To whom do we owe this lovely evening?" I asked.

Before the first girl answered, I distinctly heard her murmur, "cheese-ball."

"Hello, Edward. I'm Bella… also sitting in the middle. Rosalie is to my left."

"Hi," said Rosalie.

"And Alice is to my right."

"Hello, guys," Alice squeaked. I could practically hear her bouncing in her seat.

"Why didn't you guys say you were in here when we opened the door?" Bella questioned. "I think we all just had heart attacks"

"Again, sorry about that," I responded. "I'm not sure what came over us. We all froze the second we heard the doorknob turning."

"Yeah, sorry ladies," joined Emmett. "We didn't mean to scare you."

"Don't worry about it," accepted Rosalie, sounding genuine. "We're all fine."

"So, where is everybody from?" asked Alice.

"We all share a house just outside of Denver, Colorado," answered Jasper. I could sense his knee bouncing again, and elbowed him in the arm to make him calm down. "Umm, what about you ladies?"

"We were born and raithed in Withconthin," replied Rose with a very impressive lisp. "After college, we thought it would be betht to thtay next to family, and we live near Madithon now."

I noticed Emmett stiffen beside me, but couldn't tell if that was good or bad. "Well, what do you for a living?" I questioned. "You said you all went to college together, so do you all have the same degrees?"

"Yeah, we went to the University of Wisconsin," said Alice. "But we all studied different things. I'm in clothing retail, right now, but would eventually like to get into teaching."

"I teach in thecondary education," added Rose, but didn't expand.

"Really?" Emmett perked up, scooting around in his chair. "I work in primary education. What do you teach?"

"I'm the PE teacher, and I coach the girlth thoccer teamth. What about you, Emmett?"

"Uh… I… well," he stuttered, and I knew he was trying to avoid mentioning lisps. "I work mainly with children that… um… need assistance with language advancement. But I also work part-time for the Colorado Rockies as their mascot, Dinger."

"Hold on," snickered Bella. "You get to hang out with professional baseball players, but you have to dress up like one of Barney's play-friends in order to do so?"

I had to laugh at that one. Emmett did kind of look like Baby Bop when he was in costume. Or was it more like B.J. I always get them confused.

My lips are sealed as to why I know the cast of Barney characters…

"Okay, Edward," interjected Emmett, pissed that I was laughing at him. "Why don't you tell the ladies what you do for a living."

That got my attention, and I stopped laughing immediately, choking on my spit in the process.

Cough "Oh, man." Sputter "Sorry." Cough "I think I swallowed wrong."

"You're not getting off that easy, bro," chuckled Emmett, patting me on the back. "Now, go on and tell them what you do."

I hesitated, but got a quick smack to the back of my head for stalling. "Ouch! Jeez, all right. I, uh, travel around the world for a living."

"Nope, not good enough," interrupted Emmett. "Keep going."

"Yes, do tell," said Alice, seeming entirely too interested.

"I'm intrigued as to why this issue is being pushed," added Bella, sounding intrigued at my denial to speak the truth. "Something tells me there's way more to this travelling profession than you're letting on."

Grrr. "Fine," I growled, covering my face with my hands. "I'm a travelling dkcowheb."

"What? I didn't quite catch that last part," nudged Emmett, a little harder than necessary.

"Why me?" I whispered so no one would hear me. "Okay, fine. Here's the truth. I travel around the world as a professional danseur… a ballet dancer," I paused, turned towards Emmett and let my fist fly, hoping to hell I'd make contact with his doofus head.

Smack!

"Son-of-a-bitch!" yelled Emmett.

"Happy now, dickmuncher?" I asked, rubbing my hand. He had a freakishly hard head.

"Would you two f-f-fucktards knock it off!" Jasper intervened, but his stutter was coming out. Oh, no. "S-s-sucknuts! D-d-diddleshits! F-f-fuckmonkey!"

I vaguely remembered someone coming over an intercom and screaming "cut," but by that point, all hell had broken lose. Jasper was gripping my arm, shaking so hard I thought he was having a seizure, and I was attempting to defend myself from a lunatic Emmett. Then, I started hearing whimpers from the girl's side of the table.

"Bella! Oh, my god!"

Was that Alice? I couldn't quite tell from all the commotion, but it almost sounded like one of the girls was having a fit of her own… a very intimate fit.

"Ali, hold on," I heard Bella say, and then the sound of chairs falling to the ground rang in the room.

"Hurry! Mmmm… I can't stop it!"

"Rose, help me! We're gonna have to carry her."

"Oh, fuuuuccckkk!"

"Edward, we need to get out of here," Jasper pleaded, still shaking. "I'm not having the best control at the moment. C-c-cock-hickey! And I think the girls just made a break for it."

Then out of nowhere, we were bombarded by flailing limbs and screams of passion. Apparently, being in complete darkness had its disadvantages, and when the girls were trying to leave they ran directly into all three of us.

"Holy shit!"

"Mother fucker! Was that a knee?"

"Get your hand off my boob!"

"Get your hand off my… on second thought, keep it there."

"Gross! That better not be what I think it is."

"Ungh!"

The sea of limbs continued and I realized someone was rubbing my ass.

"Emmett, what the fuck? Quit touching my ass!"

"Oh, dude! Not cool!" Jasper yelled, then I heard another moan, and Jasper followed suit. "Shit! Don't stop!"

"I'm sorry!" Alice screamed. "This feels incredible!"

"Alice!" Bella and Rose yelled.

Almost as fast as the incident began, we were free of our entanglements when the girls jumped up and went toward the sounds of Alice and Jasper. I heard Jasper groan one more time, then huff in disappointment.

"No! I need to finish!"

"Not now, you don't!"

"We're getting out of here."

Then the door slammed, and I felt Emmett scrambling to get up.

"Edward, why the fuck did you clock me in the face?" Emmett roared. "I'm gonna beat your ass!"

"Calm the fuck down, Em!" Jasper and I both hollered at the same time. Then I stood up and continued, "I'm not exactly feeling lovey-dovey with you for making me reveal my career choice."

"Well, you shoulda thought of that before you laughed at me."

I was now holding both of Emmett's arms behind his back as he calmed down, and Jasper was taking slow, cleansing breaths behind us. "Are you gonna fight me if I let you go?"

"No," Emmett answered. "Just let me go. I'm sorry for making you squeal."

"Well, it's too late now. They all heard it." I stopped and let him go with a small push. "Let's get out of here. The girls are long gone, and they stopped taping awhile ago."

We fumbled our way to the door, and once we got out into the light again, we had the producer jumping down our throats.

"What the fuck went on in there?" Aro shouted, hobbling toward us. He honed in on me, and pointed his sausage finger in my face while shrieking, "You! It's all your fault! If you wouldn't have started throwing punches, none of that would have happened."

"Hey, don't point that thing at me," I said, craning my neck away from him. "I don't know where it's been, and it's just as much my fault as Emmett's. He really started it."

"I don't give a shit who started it. It never should have gotten that far," Aro paused, assessing each of our faces. "And didn't we tell you all to keep the cursing to a minimum. I'm gonna have to figure out how to salvage the clip we were able to record."

Jasper swallowed thickly and ducked behind me. I gave him a look that reassured him it wasn't his fault, and he nodded that he understood. We apologized half-heartedly and made our way back to our side of the mansion. None of us knew what to make of the evening. Quietly putzing around the suite for the rest of the night, we analyzed the events internally, not sharing our thoughts with each other. At one point, a crew member came in and gave us the itinerary for tomorrow. I had to admit, I was surprised they weren't ready to kick us out for the stunt we pulled on the group date, but I guessed they were so desperate to keep their show afloat that a little drama made for interesting TV.

The more I thought about the group date, the more confused I was. I really didn't have any idea of who I wanted to take on the individual dates, and I was still trying to figure out what was happening to Alice… and why. Rose seemed nice enough, and Bella was the most talkative one, for sure. At one point, I'm pretty sure I had some very nice boobs smashed into my face. I'd have to do some major thinking about that one.

Before heading to bed, I made sure Jasper calmed down from his earlier fit and wasn't feeling responsible for anything. After all, it was my dumbass move that started it all. I knew better than to piss Emmett off, but I was still feeling the aftermath of my bathroom fiasco. Blaming it on pent up aggression, I apologized to Emmett and made-up bromance style… I let him win on Call of Duty, but we won't tell him that.

Saying my final goodnight, I crashed onto my bed and took a deep breath. Today was an adventure in and of itself, and I still had no clue what to expect for the rest of the week. But I knew one thing for sure. I was not, under any circumstances, going to be jacking the beanstalk in this house. It was bad for my penile health.

A/N: Whatcha think? Go on… let me have it. I can take it. Any thoughts are appreciated. And sorry for the cock-block. It had to be done folks. But I hope it was good while it lasted. (Psst… don't tell the hubs that was also for him… he's got a thing for NatPort and also got mad at Jude Law for not taking advantage of her.)

On another front, who do you think the boys will pick for their individual dates, and what do you think the girls thought of the boys? BPOV up next with their take on the evening.

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