A/N: Hello, my lovelies! I'm thrilled to be back, and even more thrilled at the continued positive response for this story. I will never be able to thank each and every one of you enough for all of the reviews, alerts, and favorites! You make me squee!
Major hugs and smooches to Lulabelle98 for being amazeballs and assigning DitD as Rec of the Week on her blog Underfictionated. Check out her WIP, The Long Walk Home, and her drabble fic, A Healing Touch. Here is a link to her profile: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net / u / 1595209 / lulabelle98
Thanks to my beta and prereader: Sovereignvision and Twifan82
Thanks to my VBs: Jenny Cullen, Angel_eyes1_uk, and TwifanUK
Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight. I own lots of dirty laundry. I hate laundry. © 2011 twicrack83
*~*BPOV*~*
"What do you mean you caused it?" I asked Emmett, intrigued and slightly frightened at the same time.
"Well, there was a time when Edward and I didn't get along very well," Emmett sighed. "We were idiotic and stupid back then, letting old family feuds guide our behaviors, and I sorta got carried away one day."
"You guys seem to be great friends now," I assessed, trying to ease some of the tension Emmett was spewing. "It couldn't have been that bad."
"You'd think, but I made his life miserable in multiple ways for the stunt I pulled," Emmett paused, sighed, and scooted around on the floor. I could tell he was stalling, debating whether or not to continue with his tale or leave the rest for Edward to tell.
"Don't stop now," I pleaded. "You can't start a story like that and not finish it. I even promise not to interrupt, and I won't tell Edward you squealed, either."
Emmett chuckled nervously, but continued, "All right. I guess I'll tell you. I'll just tell Edward you forced me into it. Anyway… our families never got along. Something about our father's competing for top of the class during medical school. Whatever. So, we hated each other's guts since before we were conceived, and when I realized we were going to go to the same high school, I started planning his demise.
"Freshman year finally started, and lucky for me and my plan, Edward and I had the same gym class. Of course this meant we would shower after class, leaving our clothes unattended. Well, being a teenager meant not only overactive hormones, but overactive sweat glands and the nastiness that can come along with that. I'd developed a pretty bad case of athlete's foot, and I decided to use that as part of my torture.
"One day after class, I dawdled around when I was getting undressed and waited until Edward left his gym bag on the floor and walked to the showers. Taking that as my cue, I quickly went to his bag and rifled through it looking for my weapon of choice. Finally, I found it and did my damage until I was satisfied with the outcome.
"You see, after my dad told me I had athlete's foot, he informed me that I needed to be extra careful not to let it spread… especially to the genital area. Apparently, athlete's foot is caused by the same fungus that causes jock itch."
I took in a sharp breath, covering my mouth with my hand and heard Emmett groan in remorse.
"Yeah, so that's all I wanted to do. I'd taken his jock strap out of his bag and rubbed my feet all over it, making sure to pay special attention to the inside. I was hoping to give him a healthy dose of jock itch, but ended up giving him something way worse and way more embarrassing.
"The next week, Edward missed the first couple of days of school and I didn't think anything of it until he eventually came to classes on Wednesday. He looked incredibly uncomfortable when I first saw him walking in front of me in the hall. Edward was moving rather slowly and almost waddling with each step.
"After getting into our mutual science classroom, I realized what was wrong. Edward was wearing baggy track pants, but they weren't baggy enough to hide his problem. Not only had I given him a rather impressive case of jock itch, but I'd inadvertently caused epididymitis."
"Epi-did-a-what?" I spoke, not understanding what Emmett was getting at.
"Epididymitis. Basically, the fungus that caused the jock itch got into his penis by crawling up his urethra and planted itself in his epididymis, causing swelling and tenderness in a not very comfortable place. Unfortunately, his body reacted and from what I could see, he was rocking some grapefruit sized testicles from my little stunt."
"Oooh, not good," I moaned, knowing that must have been excruciatingly uncomfortable.
"At the time, I was beyond ecstatic with the success of my plan. Edward was sporting excess junk with his trunk, and he was the laughing stock of the entire school… and the local nursing home. I'm not sure those poor old ladies ever recovered from seeing him."
"You're kidding!"I prodded. I had to hear more.
"Oh, man. He's gonna kill me," murmured Emmett, and it sounded like he was roughly rubbing his face and cursing before he began again. "Edward was doing ballet back in high school, but nobody knew about it. He told me this part of the story after we'd reconciled our differences and it made me feel even worse.
"That weekend, Edward was scheduled to perform scenes at the nursing home from a very popular play. His parents made him dance for the residents on special occasions, and one resident really wanted to see him perform on her birthday. So, he showed up to perform scenes of… wait for it… The Nutcracker."
"No freaking way!" I spluttered, laughing hysterically.
"Yep, Edward was decked out in all his spandex glory, engorged ball sac and all. I think three of the ladies had to go the hospital, and he was never asked to return again."
Fits of giggling echoed around the dark room. I couldn't seem to stop myself, and picturing a teenage boy in spandex with an oversized testicular issue made me laugh that much louder. Eventually, I calmed down enough and could hear Emmett whispering to himself… something about "gotta go" and "can't say anymore."
"Oh, no, Emmett," I started, worried now that I'd done something to insult him. "I hope you don't get into trouble for this. Just tell Edward to blame me. I can handle myself, and it was years ago. Nothing to dwell on."
"No, I mean, I really messed him up," he huffed, getting frustrated with himself. "If you want to know more, you'll have to ask him. I think I've said too much as it is."
"If I would've known the story was truly that embarrassing, I wouldn't have pushed you to tell me. Tell you what; I'll talk to Edward about it on the next date."
"Are you saying you don't want go on another date with me?" I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
"Uh, no, that's not what I meant," I stuttered. "It's just, um…"
"I'm kidding, Bella," Emmett reassured, finding my shoulders with his hands and pulling me to him for a hug. "I know you two need to get together. Besides, I really want to talk more with your friend, Rose. She seems nice."
That she was. Nicer than I would have been in response to an elbow to the face. Emmett and I said our goodbyes and made our way out of the room, one by one. I walked back to our side of the mansion, thinking over the story I'd just heard. Completely embarrassing and way worse than I could have imagined. My measly night at Chico's Pub couldn't hold a flame to Edward's shitfest of a freshman year in high school.
Poor Edward. How miserable that must have been for him. As much as I wanted to hear more about that story, I also didn't want to push him. It seemed like a sensitive subject, and if Emmett told him I knew, Edward might think I would laugh in his face. But I meant it when I said it was in the past, and we shouldn't dwell on it. My goal was to choose him for the next date and apologize. I just hoped he would choose me, too.
/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
After regaling the girls with most of my date, Alice, Rose, and I fought over who would get on the computer to send our next date requests. Alice won, but not before she stuffed a peanut up my nose and pulled Rose's hair. She was a persistent little twat when she wanted to be.
Rose and I followed her to the computer and watched her type to Jasper.
Hey, cowboy! Meet me in the dark room tomorrow evening. You won't be sorry! ::smooches::
-Alice
We smiled down at Alice as she pressed send, and both smacked her upside her head to get her out of the chair. She flipped us both off and skipped her way over to the couch so Rose could send her email next.
Emmett, would you meet me in the dark room tomorrow? I'd love to get to know you better.
-Rose
I patted her back as she stood up and went over to join Alice in the sitting area. Now it was my turn. I took my seat in the chair, cracking my knuckles as I waited for the email to pull up.
Edward, thanks for beating up my friend. She needed some smacking around. Meet me in the dark room tomorrow, and I'll show you how to really provide a beat down.
-Bella
There. Just enough fear and sexual tension to confuse the boy. He can take that however he wants, but he better show up.
Joining Rose and Alice on the couch, we waited impatiently for the boys to email us back. We flipped through the channels on the TV, not truly watching anything, and after about twenty minutes, we heard the computer ping.
"I got it! I got it!" Alice screamed, bolting to the computer in a blur. She bounced in her seat while the emails uploaded on her screen. "Yes! I knew he'd write me."
We read over her shoulder, squeeing with her in excitement.
Hey, sexy lady. Glad to see you're ready for a repeat session. I'm definitely UP for anything you've got in mind.
-Jasper
"You are so lucky, Ali," I commented, ruffling her hair. "He is perfect for you!"
"Totally your type, babe," Rose added, smiling down at her. "You two were made for each other."
"I really think so, too," Alice responded, beaming up at us. "I'm gonna tell him about everything tomorrow night. He makes me feel so at ease when I'm around him. I'm sure he'll understand."
We nodded and hugged and rushed her out of the seat. Again, Rose went next, taking a deep breath before opening her mail.
Hello, Rose. I would love to get to know you better, too. Be there or be square!
-Emmett
Rose giggle-snorted, I rolled my eyes, and Alice was still bouncing in excitement as she stood next to me. It was my turn, and all of a sudden, my palms got sweaty and my heart starting beating faster. Odd. Clicking the email with a slightly shaky hand, it opened and I could barley believe my eyes.
Bella, I'd love to have you give me a good beating, just as long as I can reciprocate with my own special kind of torture. Hope you're ready for my wrath.
-Edward
Was this guy for real? Did he seriously just proposition me? I tingled from head to toe in anticipation, and that never happened to me. I wasn't that girl who swooned over guys, let alone guys I'd never said more than three words to. I hadn't even seen his face, and my body was already betraying me.
Shaking my head, I tried to clear my thoughts. I got up from the chair and walked to the fridge for a bottle of water.
"So, Bella," began Alice, following me into the kitchen. "Whatcha think? You look a little green. You okay?"
"Um, yeah, sure," was my great response, and I swigged several gulps of water before slamming the bottle on the counter. "Edward seems great," I droned. "Can't wait till we meet."
Rose and Alice gave each other knowing glances. They walked up to me, grabbed me by the arms, and shuffled me over to the couch.
"Bella, we know you better than that," said Rose, sitting on my right. "What are you afraid of?"
"Tell us what happened in that head of yours," Alice joined, taking up residence on the coffee table in front of me. "You know we won't let anything happen to you."
"I know," I sighed, closing my eyes and resting my head on the back of the sofa. "I think I scared myself back there. Just thinking too hard, I guess."
"You're full of it, Thwan," huffed Rose. Uh, oh. She pulled out the last name. This can't be good. "I think you've got a thing for Edward, but you don't want to admit it. What I don't underthtand ith why? And what doeth it matter, anyway? We're here to have fun, meet people, and maybe have a fling. Anything elthe ith gravy."
"So what if you feel something for him," Alice stated. "That's awesome! And we're supportive of your decision. Not everyone will turn out like Riley."
The name made me cringe. My stomach started rolling, and I felt my face get hot. Not from blushing, but from anger, hurt, and indescribable pain. I didn't want to talk about this right now, especially not since I'd just had a major revelation about Edward. He seemed like there might actually be something worth pursuing, and I didn't want to screw that up if I could help it.
"Thanks, ladies," I half-smiled, getting up from the couch. "I'm sure my fears are unfounded. I just have to get over the fact that I might hurl because I'm acting like a pansy about all of this. I've barely talked to Edward and he's already pushing my buttons. I need some time to process everything."
They looked at me with sad eyes and pouty lips as I turned to walk to my room. Maybe they thought this was just about Riley, but I knew better. Sure Riley deserved to die a miserable, excruciating, painful death, but that really wasn't the main issue. Edward was sending me on a roller coaster ride of emotions from giggling at his career choice to wanting to rip off his penis, and now to making me flush with excitement at the chance to meet him. The prospect to make a good first impression was never something I dwelled on before, and now it was all I could think about.
/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
Morning seemed to take forever to arrive. I tossed and turned all night, strategizing plans of attack for my impending date with Edward. Should I play it sweet and sassy, or sexy and sultry, or throw it all out the window and let fate take over. Fate seemed like my best bet, since I'd probably humiliate myself attempting the other two scenarios. Only time would tell, and tonight couldn't get here fast enough.
"What's the plan for the day?" Alice asked the crew member who met with us after breakfast. He'd taken us to a separate room in the mansion and was getting ready to brief us on the day's events.
"Today we have a 'getting to know you' session," he squeaked, pushing his glasses back on his pointy nose. "I brought you to this secluded room so your suite could be prepped for our activity this morning. Another crew member is doing the same with the gentlemen as we speak."
"Can you tell uth anymore about the activity?" Rose inquired, looking anxious.
"All I can say is that the activities will be the same for both the women and men," he explained, "and you will all get to learn some personal things about each other."
That didn't sound too bad. Actually, it'd be nice to learn a little more about the boys, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious and excited to get to know more about Edward in particular.
After about an hour, we went back to our suite. Rose nervously opened the door, and we all snuck a quick glance into the room. Nothing too drastic must have taken place because hardly anything was out of order. The kitchen table had been replaced with a larger table and it was adorned with three suitcases, none of which were ours.
"Ladies, if you will," the crew member began and motioned for us to walk toward the table with the luggage. As we walked he explained, "These are the suitcases of the three gentlemen who are on the show with you. We won't tell you whose bag is whose; that is for you to guess. You are allowed to rifle through any compartments and contents, to your liking, for the next hour. After that we will return to collect their belongings. Any questions?"
We all shook our heads and stared ominously at the bags as the crew member left us to our devices. Somehow I knew this was not anywhere close to what Alice and Rose thought was planned for our activity, and I sure as hell didn't really want to touch nasty-boy underwear that may be hidden in the bags.
The cameraman who stayed to film our activity urged us to start, and we each stood by a bag. Alice chose the bag that was dark grey with cobalt blue trim. Rose stood next to the bag that was bright orange with black trim, and I got stuck with the bag that was light blue with Hawaiian print flowers covering the outside.
What the…?
Each unzipping our corresponding suitcases, we flipped open the lids and sighed in relief. At least nothing on the surface looked grody in any of the bags, but we still had to rummage through their personal effects to prove the safety of the contents. Alice went first and started slowly pulling out folded clothes. It appeared that whoever this bag belonged to had a thing for V-neck shirts and worn out jeans. When all the clothes seemed to be out of the bag, the only remaining item was a small black traveling case. She opened the zipper on it and peeked inside, quietly giggling to herself.
"Wow, okay," Alice laughed as she picked out pieces, one by one, and set them on the table. "A razor, cologne, deodorant, toothbrush and toothpaste, hair gel, and the best part… makeup!"
She finished her perusal with a flourish by dumping the remaining contents on the table. Out rolled foundation, powder, eyeliner, mascara, chapstick, and a set of tweezers. Somebody liked to go all out.
"Whoa," Rose stated, a smirk gracing her face. "Who do you think that belongth to?"
"No clue," I returned. "Maybe we should go through the others and then compare."
Rose and I dove precariously into our suitcases. Apparently her boy favored boxer briefs, while mine clearly preferred tighty-whitey's. She pushed the final items around, finding a book. As I glanced over her shoulder, I snickered when I saw the title.
"The Complete Idiot's Guide to Tantric Sex," I pronounced, holding back an eye roll. "Interesting choice."
I was reluctant to say more about it considering we didn't know who it belonged to, but really? Whatever gets you going… and keeps you going, I suppose.
Stifling several obscene comments, I continued to look through my boy's bag. I was almost at the bottom and lifted up the final shirt when I saw… it. I threw the shirt in my hand up in the air and jumped backwards, slamming into the wall behind me. You would've thought there was a snake in the bag by how fast I moved, but there was no way was I touching that thing with my bare hands.
Rose and Alice looked at me like I'd lost my mind, and started angling their heads so they could see into the suitcase. As realization hit them, Alice squealed like a virgin teenager, eyes getting wide and blushing, and Rose stuck her face closer to examine it. I guess when I was taking out his clothes, I dislodged the cap on the offending device, and there, in all its light pink glory, was a Fleshlight.
"Seriously," I choked out, my breathing returning to normal. I stepped closer to the bag again, making sure my eyes hadn't deceived me, and yep… it was still there. "Can they not go a week without using that? I mean, come on… use your hand and be discreet."
"It doethn't look… right," Rose said, still inspecting it. "I think… it hath… wingth."
"Wings?" Alice questioned, starting to giggle now. "I have to see this."
"Awkward," I joined, craning my neck to get a closer look now that my body calmed back down. "It does look like it has wings coming from… there. Like… bat wings."
As I mentioned that, we all leaned in to get a closer look. The device was normal looking, if vaginas looked like flashlights, except for what appeared to be a set of small bat wings where the inner labia were supposed to be.
"Why… what… how…?" I stammered, unable to form a complete sentence. I was confused, intrigued, and slightly turned on all at the same time.
"I have no idea," added Rose, scrunching up her eyebrows and turning her head to the side, as if looking at it from a different angle would help this situation make more sense.
"Wait," interrupted Alice, pointing to the other end of the handle. "It says DRAC… like Dracula, maybe. You think he has a thing for vampires?"
Ah, Alice. Always the detective. Rose and I smiled and commented, "What a weirdo."
We had a few more giggles as we packed their bags back up. Trying to figure out which boy the bags belonged to proved to be difficult. Just when we thought we knew which suitcase matched a boy, one of us would come up with something that placed doubt in our heads, and we'd end up back at square one.
While Alice zipped closed the luggage in front of her, she asked the cameraman, "So, when do we get our suitcases back?"
Before she finished her sentence, I felt my breakfast hit the back of my throat and I ran for the bathroom. I was so focused on the boys' suitcases that I'd forgotten about the other half of the activity. The boys rooted through our luggage just as we had with theirs, which meant they saw the monstrosity that was my bag.
I watched my breakfast splash into the bathroom sink.
/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/+/
*~*EPOV*~*
Fuming. Pissed off. Enraged… at Emmett. I was pacing back and forth in the sitting area, wrapping my head around what he'd just told me about his date with Bella the night before. He was attempting to divert my anger, unsuccessfully.
"You'll have to talk to her, bro," Emmett evaded, plopping down on the couch. "She wants to talk to you about it anyway."
"Talk to me, or make fun of me?" I mumbled under my breath. Raising my voice as I made my way to the computer, I said, "Of all the pranks we pulled on each other, that had to be the one you chose."
"She asked for most embarrassing. I thought it would be the best example. And just so you know, your story blew hers out of the water."
"Great. Well, next time a girl asks you for something, just bend over!" I screamed and jumped up from my chair, making it crash to the floor.
Emmett cringed when I yelled and glared at him. At least he had the decency to look repentant, but it didn't make me feel any better. I'd never felt comfortable enough with a girl to tell that story, and now Emmett went and told Bella and the entire United States before I could stop him. Hopefully, Bella wasn't fazed by it, and we could have some semblance of a normal date.
"I'm 'O' for one in the date department on this stupid show," I sighed, trying to reign in my anger, "and I would've loved to start off with a clean slate for Bella, but I guess that's not gonna happen."
"If it's any consolation," Emmett replied, "I don't think she cared. Sure she laughed, but she said she didn't want to focus on it. That's pretty responsible, if you ask me." He stopped for a second, thinking to himself then continued, "Bella invited you on the date, right? Give her a chance before you start making assumptions on how she'll react. I think you two will really get along."
I rubbed my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair. Emmett was a pretty good judge of character, so I hoped he was right about Bella.
During our awkward silence, Jasper walked into the room, eying us both warily. "Damn. What's got your tutu in a bunch, Edward? Did Em kill your date?"
"Not quite," I deadpanned, not moving my death glare off of Emmett. "But close enough. He told Bella the testicle story."
"Oooh," Jasper flinched, looking over to Emmett. "Not cool, man."
I could tell Emmett wanted to respond, but he also wanted us to drop it and move on. He'd already been reamed for that stunt several times over, and our vacation wasn't the spot to rehash old wounds.
Taking a couple of deep, cleansing breaths, I nodded once at Emmett, forgiving his transgression and choosing to deal with it my own way. He nodded back, sheepishly, and Jasper exhaled in relief, helping us all relax.
The rest of the morning went smoothly. Crew members came by to set up our suite for the first activity, and we waited patiently to see what was in store for us. By the time we got back to our room, we'd gone through fifteen different scenarios that would be awaiting us, including, but not limited to, all of the girls in skimpy bikinis having a pillow fight in a large pool of Jell-O. Who wouldn't want to see that?
Anyway, that's obviously not what we were greeted with upon our return, much to our disappointment. But we did get to sort through some very nice girly things with lace and frills. You know, like panties and bras.
Hee hee! Panties… boobies… drool. What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. Suitcases. Well, Jasper rummaged through a bag with lots of L's and V's printed on the tan fabric, finding very tiny, very expensive looking clothing and accessories. Emmett got excited while going through his baby blue suitcase. He was lucky enough to find barely there negligee and a pocket vibrator. He was even brave enough to turn the sucker on. That thing had a kick to it!
My suitcase… well, let's just say it really wasn't much of a suitcase anymore. I think it was originally a bright canary yellow, and it looked like it shouldn't be functioning. The zipper didn't work, and when I opened it up, I grimaced at the contents. There was creamy goo covering almost every visible spot. It looked like someone placed a liquid grenade in the bag and closed it right before it exploded. At least it smelled nice.
I carefully removed items and set them aside. Numerous girlie a sundries later, I'd just about lost hope for anything interesting when a tattered paperback book appeared. The binding was worn, the top corner of the cover was missing, and the pages were fraying around the edges. I read the title and took a closer look at the cover… and felt a twitch in my pants.
"Real Men Go Deep," I swallowed hard and glanced at Jasper and Emmett who were both shifting uncomfortably where they stood. "Somebody likes erotica. We got a kinky one!"
Emmett cleared his throat, Jasper rolled his shoulders, and I started flipping through the pages.
"Deep Within," I chuckled, reciting titles from the book. "A Hole in One. Plumbers Do It With Their Tools. Riding Bareback."
"Edward," Jasper began, sounding strained and looking panicked. "You need to st-st-stop."
Immediately, I dropped the book, thinking of what I needed to do to protect Jasper.
"Okay. Taping's over," I announced to the cameraman, placing my hand over the lens and pushing him back. Thankfully, he didn't resist too much and went on his merry way.
"N-n-nipple flicker. P-p-pussy donut. C-c-cunt flosser," Jasper slurred out his attack as I shut the door.
"Jazz, I'm so sorry," I apologized, leading him to the couch. "I had no idea, man."
Jasper sat down on the sofa and closed his eyes as the attack subsided. He clenched and relaxed his fists, lulling his head back to rest on the cushions. Slowly, he opened his eyes and whispered, "Not your fault, Edward. I think I got overly anxious from searching through the suitcases. All the lacey, frilly stuff got to me."
"I know what you mean, Jazz," Emmett interjected, sitting in the chair next to the couch. "Then Eddie-boy found that book and all I could think about were fun bags and blow jobs."
We laughed and shook our heads. These girls already had control over us, and we barely knew them. No one had even seen each other, but the chance to see and touch their unmentionables gave us more incentive to behave. If all went as planned, and the girls liked us back, then we'd have a chance to see them wearing their lace and frills… and eventually nothing at all.
We are so screwed.
A/N: Epididymitis is real. Someone I know very intimately had it when he was little. Testicles swelled to the size of baseballs, poor guy. But it had no ill effects. In fact, he could practically just breathe on me and I'd get pregnant. Oops! TMI. ;)
So, the suitcase made another appearance. Poor Bella, but at least Edward thought it smelled good. Any ideas on whose suitcase was whose? The DRAC Fleshlight is real, too. There's a companion toy for girls, if you know what I mean. And what's up with this Riley character? Ideas? We'll find that out with time, and the second dates are up next! Leave a review and let me know your guesses!
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Loves and snugs!
;) M