Author noted: I (Trip) would again like to apologize to the fans of Chrestomanci and Harry Potter and I would like to also point out that this is the point where Jayne took over the story.

The sorting hat was half way through its song. Everyone in the hall looked completely and udderly bored. Even Hermione had stopped looking for a hidden meaning in the song about four different coloured cows living peacefully in the same field. The four Italian magicians were sitting in the dark corner, doing a Simon Cowell.

"That's truly horrific! I have never heard a hat sing SO off key! It is the beginning of a beautiful cacophony!" Angelica remarked.

"Cappelli maledetti inglesi!" Renata yelled at the innocent hat, which promptly stopped his serenade and cried woefully.

Hermione jumped to the defence of the immobile hat. "Don't listen to the stooped little bint! Just keep singing hat!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Harry cried, terrified of having his eardrums burst. But it was too late.

"They went MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Because they love YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

The sky is BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!

So everyone MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hermione jumped to her feet with applause but spun on her heel when an audible crash shook the building.

"Voldemort is in the building!" The Dark Lord cried out as he pushed the great doors open.

"What's with the smoke Dude? It is just a tad too much man!" Joe grinned.

"Avada Kedavra!" his wand was pointed at Cat who immediately hit the back wall in another cloud of smoke.

"Seriously! The smoke. Do you KNOW what that does to your lungs?"

"You arsehole! you killed my boyfriend! only I'm allowed to bloody kill him!" Marianne screamed.

Cat started to wake up. "What the freak did I do last night?"

"Oh dragon shit!" Ol' Voldey said as he looked at his smoking wand. Smoke came out of his ears as he saw red. He fired off another curse but Cat held up his left hand and easily deflected it off into a random direction, inadvertently hitting the sorting hat.

A great cheer swept through the hall.

"Thank freaking gawd!" Harry screamed as he pulled the plugs out of his ears.

"Shut up you four eyed scar headed freak!" Marianne blubbered. "He only has two lives left!"

Voldemort looked at her in a new light. "Thank you very much for that very informative information." He throws his head up. "Death eaters assemble!"

There was a great puff of smoke. Joe turned to the narrators Trip and Jayne sitting respectively at the (randy) Ravenclaw and (sexy) Slytherin tables. "Stop with the fucking smoke already! you'll give us all lung cancer!"

"NO! Trip, can I kill him?" Jayne asked

"I don't see why not," Trip said, "He's not really essential to the plot. He's sort of that nameless guy who dies in the first five minutes."

"No. You can't kill me. You'll regret it!" Joe yelled.

.

"Wanna bet? Elastic snapetastic!"

(AN. This spell is property of Jayne. Don't even think of stealing it! We (or really she) WILL hunt you down and turn you into a stationary eraser in the shape of (the ever so sexy) Severus Snape)

(The ever so sexy) Severus, Ferret face Malfoy and Albino Senior as well as the strumpet Bellatrix Lestrange entered and struck poses on either side of Voldy.

"You really should look at getting some better henchmen Voldy." Julia said surveying the Death eaters. "I mean really, that one is only here 'cause your so good in bed" she said pointing to the strumpet "He's only here 'cause he wants to bed you too." she explained now pointing to Albino Senior "He's here 'cause daddy said so" pointing to ferret boy "And the sexy one doesn't want to work for you anymore."

"What? (the ever so sexy) Severus, is this true?"

"I'm afraid it is Voldy." Severus said ashamedly walking away from the Death eaters, "and to prove it" he held out his left arm revealing the dark mark that was magically tattooed to his arm "BUCKY FIRE!"

Hermione raised her wand and in a flash of magic (the ever so sexy) Severus's left arm was now lying on Minerva's dinner plate.

"Eugh" Minerva said tossing it aside.

Blood from what remained of (the ever so sexy) Severus's arm (the stuff attached to his body not the arm getting thrown around the staff dinner table) was spraying onto a very peeved looking Paolo. He punched (T.E.S.S) Severus, knocking him out.

"You italian fuckwad!" Hermione screamed "Elastic snapetastic!" where Paolo once stood, there was now a (the ever so sexy) Severus shaped eraser which had started screaming curses and insulting everyone.

Renata screamed and ran to pick up the eraser of her man-bitch. She sang a quick verse of something and he changed back into himself. They immediately started to make out and were rolling around on the floor in (the ever so sexy) Severus' blood.

"Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra, Avada Oh Fuck It" Voldy yelled setting of multiple curses in multiple clouds of smoke (A/N by now Joe was crying in a heap on the floor) at Cat who was stopping them in mid air and making them disappear in puffs of smoke (A/N he just wanted to provoke Joe).

"Oh forget it, time for reinforcements!" Voldemort screamed tearfully. There was ANOTHER audible crash and ANOTHER great puff of smoke as the great doors opened AGAIN and a blonde haired, blue eyed girl of about 17 walked into the hall.

DUN DUN DUN!!!