"I don't think I want to do this." Shepard tugged at the collar of his N7 armor. He felt as though he'd pass out from the heat building up inside, and his hands wouldn't stop shaking. "Can't someone else go in my place?"

"Who?" Khalisah al-Jilani threw her arms up, seemingly reaching the limits of her patience. "You're Commander Shepard. The first human Spectre. One of the few to pass through the Omega Relay and live. You're the thorian-slayer. The asari romancer. You're the hero the galaxy needs."

"I'm no hero."

"Say that to the crowd out there. Don't you hear them cheering?"

Shepard could barely hear anything over the beating of his heart. "I don't know."

"Well, they're out there—and the military needs you." Khalisah pressed a button on her omni-tool to activate her hovering video recorder. A little red light flickered on near the lens. "The turian lines are failing. Palaven is pretty much a floating ember at this point. If we don't sell these defense bonds and get more flowing into the military, the Reapers will have already won."

Shepard took a deep breath. "This seems like a pretty stupid way to raise money, though."

"Haven't you heard of Iwo Jima? Those boys traveled all over the United States to raise money during World War Two. And so did Captain America."

"Captain America wasn't a real person!"

"Are you sure about that, Commander Shepard?" She raised an eyebrow.

Shepard struggled with Basic Earth History for a few seconds. "I... guess not."

"Right! So get out there and sell some war bonds!" She pushed him through the curtain, and the crowd in the Presidium Auditorium went wild.

Commander Shepard is Easily Distracted

"The N7 Man with a Plan"

Shepard stood in the spot light, and almost immediately the music started. He grimaced as his eardrums were assaulted by the synthesized trumpets and drums blared from the loudspeakers. When his eyes finally adjusted to the light, he saw the crowd of cheering fans: most of them wearing N7 merchandise. A few were wearing silly N7 leather jackets.

"Uh..." Shepard's voice was lost in the shuffle. An announcer's voice suddenly filled in what little silence remained.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and asari: Welcome to the Systems Alliance 'Galaxy at War' Fundraiser! And now, here's your Master and Commander of Ceremonies: Commander SHEPARD!"

"Oh, shit..."

The music fell into a steady tempo, and a line of chorus girls—mostly human, asari, and a few turians—marched out on stage in perfect formation. All of them saluted the Systems Alliance flag in unison before the song finally began.

Shepard's hands couldn't stop shaking. He'd been less nervous at the Collector's home base. "Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit..."

And the chorus girls sang to the beat:

Who's strong and brave

here to liberate the Milky Way?

—

"Uh..." Shepard looked down at his omni-tool, looking for the prompt. The tune looped until he finally found it. "Er... Not all of us can make a sub-orbital drop, or drive a Mako," he said in monotone, his voice booming over the loudspeakers, "but there's still a way all of us can fight!"

Who vows to fight

across the sky

for what's right

night and day?

—

The prompt scrolled down. "Systems Alliance Defense Bonds! Each one you buy is a thermal clip in the heat sink of your best trooper's gun!"

Who will campaign

star-to-star

for Humanity?

—

Fortify our E.M.S.

for the galaxy?

—

From Palaven to Titan!

The N7 Man with a Plan!

—

"Look majestic and courageous... Oh, sh—" Shepard closed the prompt, unfolded his assault rifle and held it aloft as majestically and courageously as he could manage.

We can't ignore

there's a threat

out in space

we must purge!

—

Who'll put a round

in the crown

of a husk

on the Verge?

—

"This is the most serious threat our galaxy has ever endured. Ignore it, and you're telling your boys and girls on the line that they're on their own! Let them know they have you in their corner!"

Who will redeem

heed the call

for Humanity?

—

Who'll rise and fall

give his all

for the galaxy?

—

Who's here to prove we can?

The N7 Man with a Plan!

—

Another block of text appeared on his omni-tool. "Aw, hell..." He stepped forward and the chorus girls formed a line behind him. "Now, we all know this is about trying to win the war, but we can't do that without thermal clips and medi-gel, arms and armor. That's where you—" He pointed at the crowd without looking up from the prompt. "—come in. Every bond you buy will help protect someone you love."

Behind the chorus girls, someone in a very bad Reaper costume tiptoed up to Shepard, a laser pointer in one of its tentacles flashing steadily in the crowd's direction. Some kids in the crowd screamed and tried to warn Shepard.

"Look out, Shepard!"

"It's a Leaper!"

"Behind you! Oh, my gob!"

Shepard continued as if he hadn't heard. "Keep our soldiers armed and ready, and those Reapers will think twice about trying to get the drop on us!" He turned around to throw a fake swing at the guy in the Reaper costume, but he came around too wide and connected with something solid. The Reaper grunted, tipped onto the ground and missed its cue to leave the stage.

"Sorry!" Shepard whispered.

Total paragon, it's true!

Wouldn't it suck if we ended with...

Green, Red and Blue!

—

Shepard gave a thumbs-up. "It's true!"

Who'll give the Reapers a smack

for the whole human race?

—

Who'll shoot a Thanix right off

into Harbinger's face?

—

Who lit the eezo that stewed in Humanity?

A Spectre who lives

in a ship

with an asari!

—

Who'll fight them through highs and lows?

Back through the relays they will go!

The N7 Man with a Plan!

—

The song ended. A few stagehands ran up and dragged the unconscious Reaper backstage.

Shepard offered a quick bow to the crowd, to ecstatic applause, and followed the chorus girls away behind the curtain. When he was safe, he took huge panic breaths and started to yank off all of the armor.

"That. Was. Amazing!" Khalisah al-Jilani ran up, her video camera in tow. "We got all of the footage ready to go out on the extranet. The war effort and Admiral Hackett's mystery project will have all of the funding they'll ever need."

"Good," Shepard said, considerably relaxed now. "Not saving the Primarch kinda set me back in the readiness department. Had to make up for it."

"Well, you definitely made up for that, and then some!" She coughed into her fist. "Though, I'll probably be able to retire on the story of a Spectre who abandoned the turian Primarch to watch the new Blasto film."

Shepard felt a chill run down his spine, but he tried not to react. "That... No, that didn't happen. There were, ah, unforeseen occurrences that prevented me from rescuing the Primarch from the front lines of Menae. Unforeseen. Print that."

"We have several eyewitnesses who were in the cinema when you and Garrus Vakarian were watching the movie and attacking people with dextro-amino popcorn."

"I didn't throw that popcorn!" Shepard caught himself and scratched the back of his head. "I didn't throw that popcorn because I wasn't there. Yeah. None of that's true. And even if it were true, Garrus was the one throwing popcorn around. Not me. I'm respectful toward other moviegoers. I don't take calls, bring crying babies, or make conversation. A wise man once spoke of a special hell reserved for people like that, and I believe it."

Khalisah sighed and made a few notes on her omni-tool. "How about we let the galaxy make that decision, huh?"

Shepard got in her face, his hands balled into fists. "I've had enough of your tabloid journalism, your disingenuous assertions, and your snide insinuations."

Shepard threw a vicious right hook, but al-Jilani dodged it. The man in the Reaper costume recovered and got onto his feet just long enough to say, "I'm okay!" before he took Shepard's punch straight to the head for the second time. The Reaper hit the ground hard, allowing a pained groan.

"Oh!" Shepard rushed to the Reaper's side while al-Jilani made a run for the exit. "I'm so sorry! Are you okay?"

The man coughed a few times. "This... hurts me..."