[Transcript: Alliance News Network's BATTLESPACE – Ep. # 01207]
[Air Date (Earth Standard): April 10, 2187]
THOMAS O'NEIL: Ladies and gentleman of the Alliance, welcome back to another episode of Battlespace, hosted live on ANN. My name is Thomas O'Neil, filling in for Diana Allers, who has come down with a terrible case of nobody-gives-a-f**k.
[Camera 2]
O'NEIL: Our first story here at the top of the hour – turian forces have begun their withdrawal from Menae after suffering heavy casualties during the Reaper attack. This comes shortly after the news that Primarch Fedorian has been counted among the dead, leaving General Adrien Victus as the new Primarch of the turian armed forces. Soldiers from the lines at Palaven are voicing their support for the new Primarch, but many believe that Fedorian's death is too strong an indicator of how the battle is progressing in the Tebia System, leaving them to wonder just how long the lines will hold.
[B-Roll: Citadel: Presidium Commons]
O'NEIL: In light of this news, many shops on the Citadel are taking part in a grassroots fundraiser dubbed "Retake Menae" by offering up a portion of their sales to support the turian war effort. This has resulted in an outpouring of support, with much of the Presidium Commons bustling with people eager to take part in the fundraiser.
[Interview(s): Citadel: Presidium Commons]
JOSEPH ADWIN (Owner of Apollo's Cafe): You know, the response today has been extremely humbling. It really has. Thirty years ago, we were at war with the turians, but now you're seeing practically every human in the Presidium turning out to donate to the cause. I've never seen anything like it.
KIM ABNETT (Employee of Presidium Gift Shop): We've had people just walk up and throw a handful of credits on the front counter and just walk away. The generosity here has made a few of us go teary-eyed.
JARLA ZEM (Manager of Nos Astra Sporting Goods): The Palaven-clan have always looked out for those of us... on the Citadel... It's an honor to return the favor... though it won't bring back the brave soldiers... who have already fought... and died...
[B-Roll: Citadel: Presidium Commons]
O'NEIL: Others have taken a more critical stance of the Retake Menae movement.
[Interview(s): Citadel: Presidium Commons]
NOLIC MORIARTY (Columnist): What we're seeing here is a s**tload of entitled turians, obviously. You know, when Eden Prime was attacked, I didn't go running around the Citadel telling storeowners to change store policy to suit my wants. Hell, no. I manned the hell up and threw my hat in with The Illusive Man. People call me biased because I'm pushing a human agenda while taking credits from Cerberus, but that's bulls**t. I'm just an honest human that wholeheartedly believes the galaxy would be a better place without aliens.
TYCHO XII (Owner of Penny Arcade): Menae cannot be a tool to attract attention to a cause. Menae must be the Cause.
CASEY HUDSON (Project Director of Mass Effect 3): Retake Menae? Can you wait right there for a second? Just one second. I need to tunnel through this pile of money to find where I keep all the f**ks I'm supposed to give.
[Camera 1]
O'NEIL: Joining me now from the SSV Normandy via extranet is Commander Shepard, the first human Specre, who is currently on a quest to, ah...
SHEPARD: ...Save the galaxy.
O'NEIL: Right you are. Thank you for joining us on Battlespace.
SHEPARD: Thank you for having me, Billy.
O'NEIL: Thomas.
SHEPARD: No, I'm Shepard.
Commander Shepard is Easily Distracted
"The Spectre Interview"
O'NEIL: Commander Shepard, you were at the Battle of the Citadel, you rescued Zhu's Hope from the thorian, stopped a rogue Spectre from destroying the galaxy, stopped the Collectors from harvesting human colonists, stopped a VI hybrid from sending us into the dark ages, et cetera. You've saved all sentient life several times over, but you also joined Cerberus for a time. How can any of us trust you?
SHEPARD: ...What?
O'NEIL: How do we know all of this "saving the galaxy" talk isn't just you pushing a Cerberus agenda?
SHEPARD: Because I'm not fighting to save only humans. If I have an agenda, it's to stop the Reapers. Nothing more.
O'NEIL: According to our sources, you were denied help from the other Council races for trying to secure aid for Earth and Earth alone. Forgive my boldness, but for someone wanting to save the "entire" galaxy, you have sure been pushing for many Earth-centric shifts in policy.
SHEPARD: That's not—! Well... I mean, kinda.
O'NEIL: So you admit to furthering a human agenda.
SHEPARD: Have you been talking to Kaidan?
O'NEIL: Who?
SHEPARD: I'm not with Cerberus and I'm certainly not furthering a human agenda. Earth was attacked first. We're currently facing the brunt of the attack.
O'NEIL: Brunt of the attack? Did you get out your yard stick and telescope and measure the varied intensities of galactic decimation from planet to planet? From there, did you scientifically deduce that Earth faces the brunt of the Reaper invasion, and that the rest of the galaxy should therefore drop whatever they're doing, leave their burning homeworlds and help you out? Is that what happened, Commander Shepard? Hm? Did you use standard or metric to measure this?
SHEPARD: I... well, no, I didn't do anything like that, I guess...
O'NEIL: Oh? Then what did you use?
SHEPARD: The little Reaper figure on my ship's galaxy map was slightly bigger over Earth than anywhere else.
O'NEIL: ...Is that so?
SHEPARD: Yeah... Also, Admiral Anderson sorta ordered me, and I never really gave myself a chance to offer any constructive criticism there. I kinda got caught up in the explosions and that kid dying.
O'NEIL: So, let's face it, there's no real difference between getting the galaxy's fleets together to help Earth or Palaven or Thessia, is there?
SHEPARD: ...Shut up.
O'NEIL: No.
[Camera 2]
O'NEIL: Here to add to our debate—joining us via extranet from... well, my teleprompter just says "Question Marks"—is the leader of Cerberus and CEO of Jim Beam Kentucky Bourbon Inc., The Illusive Man.
[Camera 1]
O'NEIL: Thank you for joining us.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: It's my pleasure, Thomas.
SHEPARD: What the f—?
O'NEIL: The pleasure is mine, sir.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Please, continue with the interview. I'm just going to pour myself three fingers of Jim Beam Premium Black Label whiskey. Now in stores. Everywhere. In the galaxy.
O'NEIL: I will buy exactly twenty bottles on my way home. So, Illusive Man, just to fill you in: many in the galaxy are angered over Shepard's seemingly Cerberus-esque, human-centric agenda. Does Shepard work for you?
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Now, that was refreshing. Notes of Spring, there. You can almost taste Summer approaching. A mild, lingering flavor, a hint of apple and vanilla, and a classy finish that reminds you of only the best parts of the journey. Extraordinary.
O'NEIL: I'm sure it's fine whiskey, sir.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: It truly is. What were we talking about?
O'NEIL: Is Shepard working with Cerberus?
SHEPARD: I'm not with Cerberus!
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: I can tell you one thing right off the bat: a Cerberus agent would show a bit more restraint during an interview. We're more professional than that.
SHEPARD: He's turning his soldiers into Reaper hybrids!
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: By way of the Reaper encounters we've experienced in the past, Cerberus has been able to refine several chemical and biological enhancements using their technology. This is no different than what the Alliance currently does with biotics, fitting them with implants and so on. The only difference being that Cerberus soldiers volunteer for the treatment. I hear the Alliance children at Jump Zero had no such say.
SHEPARD: That...
O'NEIL: He makes a good point, Commander Shepard.
SHEPARD: No! He... No! The Illusive Man's soldiers attacked us on Mars. They stole valuable Prothean data that could help us beat the Reapers!
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: This is true, Thomas. Cerberus did have a presence on Mars, but, if you recall, the Reapers were only minutes from destroying the facility. We had to work quickly and rescue that data before all of it was lost. Permanently. To say nothing of Shepard's valiant efforts to retrieve the data, he was quite late getting there. That brand of tardiness is something the galaxy cannot afford to have within its bounds.
SHEPARD: But—
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: And as to the point of our soldiers firing on Shepard's lot, let's keep steadily in mind that it was Cerberus who stopped the Collectors when no one else would. Our ship, our crew, and our intel were all lost to us when Shepard turned himself in to the Alliance. This represented an enormous fiscal loss, a notable depreciation of company resources, and set back our campaign against the Reapers an entire year. If not for Shepard and his flock, Cerberus would have already fought the Reapers back into Dark Space months ago.
[Camera 2]
SHEPARD: …
[Camera 1]
SHEPARD: …
O'NEIL: Have you anything to say in your defense, Commander Shepard?
SHEPARD: Well... what about Omega? Why did you steal control away from Aria? Yeah! What about that? He's up to no good there!
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Ha! Forgive me, Shepard, I'm very drunk, but did you just ask me why I seized control of Omega away from someone widely referred to as "The Pirate Queen"? You're the one who has seen fit to deal with Aria T'Loak several times in the past. Not only that, but you've openly associated with Zaeed Massani, co-founder of the Blue Suns, going so far as to let him onto your ship.
SHEPARD: He... Well, yeah, he did co-found the Blue Suns, but he's not with them anymore. Right? He might be, I guess. Depending...
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: I've freed Omega from an oppressive dictator. Do you have any idea how many thank you cards I've received? And what have you done, Shepard? Saw a movie? Went dancing at a club?
SHEPARD: Got you there! I didn't go dancing. The owners at Purgatory wouldn't acknowledge that what I was doing on the floor constituted "dancing." They called it "T and F."
O'NEIL: T and F? W-what is that? What does that mean?
SHEPARD: I don't know.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: It stands for Trying and Failing, Mr. O'Neil. It's also referred to as "Doing The Jenkins" in some circles.
SHEPARD: ...
[Camera 2]
SHEPARD: ...Aw, no...
[Camera 1]
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: My point has been made. For humanity.
SHEPARD: You are the leader of a terrorist organization. I'm not going to be made to look like the bad guy! You're the bad guy!
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Nu-uh.
SHEPARD: You've kidnapped... You've tortured... The thresher maws and the massacre... You're evil.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Yes, Shepard, we were evil. Hear me? We were evil. But that was then and history has forgotten. They've forgotten about Rear Admiral Kahoku and how we fed all those marines to the thresher maws. You know why? Plot device. You spat in Sovereign's face when he said the galaxy was doomed, but you couldn't tell a terrorist organization that you'd find another way to stop the Collectors? Notice how no one gave a damn about Cerberus when Mass Effect 2 came aro—Ha! I'm sorry, I am very drunk... shlummie.
[Camera 2]
O'NEIL: Gripping discussion. Well, that's about all the—
[Camera 1]
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Wait, wait, wait. Before we go, I ha... Hahaha! Oh, man. Okay, I have one question for Mr. Citadel Spokesman over there... The one telling me I'm evil when he's flying the ship I built for him.
O'NEIL: Go ahead, sir.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Think about it, Shepard. Think long and hard... hehe... about why you think Cerberus is evil. Gather up all of those bad things that we did, put them in one room... and just look at them. Kahoku, the thresher maws, the experiments... Think about 'em, all at once. Bring that hatred back. Do you have them all in mind, Shepard?
SHEPARD: ...Yes.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: What was my justification for doing all of those naughty things?
SHEPARD: To stop the Reapers. Or so you said.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Right. To stop the Reapers. Hm. Yes. I'll even throw you a bone: I want to stop the Reapers in a way that would give humanity the advantage in the future. Man, that's evil. Now let me ask you something else. Are you ready?
SHEPARD: I guess.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: You committed genocide in the Bahak System. Three hundred thousand batarians because of a choice you made. Why did you do it, Shepard?
SHEPARD: …
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Shepard? Why'd you kill three hundred thousand people in the Bahak System?
SHEPARD: End transmission, Joker.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: Are you somehow more moral than me because you killed them all at once?
SHEPARD: No— Goddammit, Joker, it's still recording... No! You just opened up Minesweeper! The little "close" button is right... No, no, no... Yes! Right there. Click that... Why did you press the Windows button? Now all I can see is the menu bar... Fine, shut it down... Which button? It's the big button that says "Shut Down"! It's not—no—it's not in the Games folder... It doesn't matter what games are in there, check them out later.
O'NEIL: Commander Shepard?
SHEPARD: I don't know. Galaxy of Fantasy, I think, and possibly Grim Terminus Alliance. I don't know, I might have uninstalled it... Well, I would've told you if I'd known... No, it's not the same. I will invite you up to see my cabin someday... No, not right now, I got stuff to do.
O'NEIL: Commander Shepard?
SHEPARD: Yes, the big X. Just click—
O'NEIL: ...Okay, then. It seems we've lost Commander Shepard. But this seems a good a time as any to cut to a commerical. Battlespace will be right back in just a few minutes. Stick around, folks.
THE ILLUSIVE MAN: And Shepard's the Spectre. Heh... Kai Leng, pour me another drink. Belay that order. Give me the bottle... Did I say leave the cap on?