"...only an anonymous caller, nothing more. But I just wanted to say that you have my full support. Whatever happens in this war, know that you have friends in high places."

Shepard entered Councilor Udina's office just in time to see him click off his communicator. "You wanted to see me, Councilor?"

"Ah. Yes, Shepard, I did. Thank you for being so prompt. It's a nice change of pace." Udina tossed the communicator onto his desk.

"Who were you talking to?"

"It's of no consequence, Commander. Let's just leave it at that."

Battlespace was playing on a nearby screen. "And that was our last live caller for the day: another citizen voicing his support for our special guest, The Illusive Man."

Shepard cocked an eyebrow at Udina.

"Ha! Well, ah..." Udina scratched the back of his head. "What an interesting episode. Certainly are a lot of people jumping to Cerberus' defense. Traitors, the lot of them."

"Our caller ID says that the mystery supporter contacted us through the office of Councilor Udin—"

Udina clicked off the screen in a hurry. "That's enough of that. Too much of the stuff rots your brain."

"Right..." Shepard didn't believe a word of it. He'd been watching sitcoms and ANN his entire life, and his situational awareness was still top notch. "I wish I knew who that mystery caller was. I'd fly my spaceship right through their mail slot."

"We may never know. Ever. But, whoever he was, I'm sure he's, um... very handsome." Udina clapped Shepard on the shoulder. "Now, as to why you've been brought here." He dialed a command on his omni-tool, and the nearby screen lit up with a map of the galaxy. "We've been in contact with the turian primarch, Victus, and it appears he's hosting a war summit in the Pranas System. I'd like for you and your crew to make your way out there and ensure negotiations go smoothly."

"War summit?" Shepard shook his head. "I'm no diplomat, Udina. I can't even negotiate extra onions onto my burger without someone getting shot."

"And that's exactly why we need you there, Commander. You and Victus have seen the true face of this war, and you both know what it'll take to stop it. The salarian and krogan diplomats have to be made to see, as well."

"Godammit..." Shepard felt a migraine coming on. "Whose idea was it to stick krogan, salarian, and turian diplomats in a room together? You're practically begging for a mountain of sidequests there."

"Not the best idea, I know, but it's all we have to work with."

"Why can't you send a real diplomat? I mean, I know I'm a Spectre and all that, but I feel like in a galaxy populated by trillions, I'm somehow doing everyone's job."

"That's what I like about you, Shepard," Udina said with a grin. "You get the job done and you don't ask questions."

"Didn't I just—?"

"I'll send the coordinates of the summit to the Normandy." Udina led Shepard out of the office and into the hallway. There was still a lot of commotion coming from the receptionists' desk; people lined up and making a fuss over loved ones lost behind the lines. "Before you head out there with all due swiftness, feel free to help yourself to the Spectre armory."

Udina dialed another command, and the door across the hallway opened up.

"Spectre armory, huh?" Shepard rubbed his hands together. "Thanks, Udina. What kind of weapons are available in there?"

"Oh, it kind of depends."

"On what?"

"This and that." Udina turned away and quickly muttered something.

Shepard leaned in. "What did you say there?"

"Oh, nothing! I was just saying it depends on how many credits you have."

"Credits!" Shepard was aghast. "Are you serious? You're still gonna charge me for weapons I'd use against the Reapers!"

"Nothing's free, Shepard."

"Weapons for the guy who's fending off a galactic extinction event should be! Come on, Udina!"

"Be reasonable, Commander. They're not all that expensive. And we've even installed a shooting range for you to test out your new weapons after you've bought them."

Shepard looked around, thinking he was being pranked. "Let me get this straight, Udina."

"Okay..."

"You have a firing range... inside of the Citadel Embassies."

"I don't see the problem—"

"A firing range... and some form of weapons distribution... inside the embassies."

"You're placing extreme emphasis on those words as if they're supposed to have some significance, but I'm not seeing it." Udina checked the time on his omni-tool. "If you'll excuse me, Shepard, I have a few meetings to attend to. I won't take up anymore if you time."

"Okay..." Shepard watched an old woman carrying a Black Widow sniper rifle out of the opened Spectre Office.

"You remind me of my daughter-in-law," she said to the gun before disappearing down the hall.

"Okay..."

Udina waved goodbye. "Good luck to you, Shepard," he said, walking away down the hall. "And remember: be quick about getting to the summit."

Shepard nodded. "It's what I do."

Commander Shepard is Easily Distracted

"Space Coffee"

"What do you mean you don't do military discounts?" Shepard demanded.

The barista shrugged. "All of our extra revenue is going toward the Retake Menae charity drive. We can't afford to give out discounts, sir."

"What about my card?"

"That's a coupon."

"Well, take that, then."

"It's expired, sir... And it's for a different shop."

Shepard's eyes narrowed. He dropped a credit chit on the counter. "Think you're funny, huh? Your coffee's not even that great, anyway." He did an angry about-face and walked back toward the courtyard.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite cafe on the Citadel."

"God..." Shepard took a sip of his coffee and handed a second cup to Joker, who accepted it absently. "If you buy ten coffees, you get one free. If you know the manager, you get one free. If you saved the galaxy, you pay full price. That's... That's just harsh."

"Harsh..." Joker hadn't blinked; something off in the distance had his attention. He took a sip of his coffee and spat it out. "Ow! Hot Zeus! What the hell is this?"

Shepard hesitantly took a seat on the bench next to Joker. "Coffee, Joker. You asked for one."

"Oh." He took another drink and seemed to like it this time. "Good coffee. Thank you."

"No problem."

Joker turned back to admire EDI, who was still standing in the middle of the courtyard, watching all of the various transactions between kiosks with much interest. "You're welcome," he said.

Shepard rolled his eyes, but said nothing.

"Oh, wait. You bought the coffee. Thanks, again. Or whatever."

"I take it the two of you are having a good time."

"I'd like to think so, Commander."

"How's she adjusting to her new body?"

"With gusto."

The two clanked their coffee cups together. "Cheers," they said.

EDI suddenly strolled over to one of the kiosks and grabbed a paying customer by the wrist. "If you take a penny, you leave a penny. Acknowledge the sign." She whipped a hand up and brought the customer's face down on the counter hard enough to rock the condiments onto the ground.

Joker swooned. "Machine-stamped."

"Nice," Shepard said. "Has anyone in the Commons given you trouble about Little Miss Terminator over there?"

"Like every other minute. I just tell them she's a VI that I keep around to help me with my condition. Wink." He took a drink. "I hope I haven't been adding the 'wink' vocally this whole time."

"Really? No one's questioned the fact that you have an attractive, Reaper tech-infused—?"

[BioWare Plot Hole #123 Redacted]

"Right, because sex appeal." Shepard sighed, swirled his coffee around in its cup. "I remember when BioWare didn't need to resort to that to keep me playing. We had one romance option, and we were happy.""

"Don't be a hypocrite. You're living in a galaxy that sports a race of blue women. You've been dating one for three games."

"What?"

"You've been dating one for five years."

"Right." Shepard nodded. "Maybe I am a hypocrite."

A woman wearing a latex uniform of the unusually skimpy variety walked up just then. "Commander Shepard, I'm Diana Allers, reporter for Alliance News Network and quote-unquote columnist for IGN. I'd like to be stationed aboard your ship, conduct some mildly-conflicting interviews with you, and make not-so-subtle and poorly-executed advances on you, regardless of your relationship status."

"Aren't you the girl who licked that onmi-tool for some reason?" Joker asked.

"That might give you some idea of how I got this job."

Shepard looked at Joker, who could only shrug, and then turned back to Diana. "I'm sorry, Ms. Chobot—"

"Allers," Diana corrected.

"Whatever, my immersion's already broken. Anyway, Ms. Allers, I'm currently in a relationship, so none of this will be—"

"Commander Shepard." Another woman walked up and saluted; this one in an Alliance uniform. "I'm Specialist Traynor. I've been brought aboard the Normandy to act as your deus ex machina, possible love interest, and to tell you that you have emails even if you were going to check them, anyway."

"Deus ex...?"

"Right, so whenever your crew gets stumped and can't figure out where to go next: Whoa! Look at that! I intercepted some kind of crazy Cerberus signal... or whatever. Hey, wanna play chess?"

Shepard cradled his head, embarrassed. "Both of you get out of here, play Knights of the Old Republic, then come back and tell me the definition of subtlety."

Kelly Chambers showed up in her lycra dancing outfit just then, looking very impatient. "Are you gonna let me striptease in your cabin, yet?"

"Dammit, Kelly..."

"Fine," she harrumphed and turned away. "If you need me, I'll be down in the docks, buying myself some character."

"Good girl." Shepard pointed to the other two women. "Off with you. The both of you. Go!"

They turned away, perturbed.

"As I was saying," Shepard told Joker, "maybe I am a hypocrite."

"Maybe..." Joker stared off into space, perplexed. "I never noticed how many people want to get you into bed, Shepard."

"Right? It's like half my job these days." Shepard stood to leave. "Well, it's getting late. I'd better head to bed."

"It's not that late."

"I've been having some pretty kickass dreams lately."

"Ah. Good luck with that, then," Joker said with a nod. "I'll probably hang out around here awhile longer." He smiled in EDI's direction. "If you know what I mean."

"Loud and clear. It's not perverted, it's hardware maintenance. Wink." Shepard laughed. "Huh. Now I'm doing the wink thing. Anyway, good luck to you, too."

Joker turned to Shepard. "Hey, what was that thing you mentioned earlier? Didn't you have a meeting to get to?"

"Meeting?" Shepard took a drink from his coffee cup. "What meeting?"

"You said something about a meeting before you got distracted by the coffee stand. Something about a summit?"

Shepard's eyes widened.

–

"Perseus, you must take your trusted soldiers to the summit of Mount Olympus! There, you will face the undead armies of Hades in the final battle!"

"I thank you, Father. But how am I to defeat him?"

"Well, you pick one of three colors, see—"

Garrus shook his head and took a prolonged drink of his soda. "I can already tell this final battle's gonna be a letdown." He took another drink, emptying the rest of the cup. "Dammit, I'm out."

Shepard sighed. "You couldn't pace yourself? The movie's not even halfway done."

"I drink fast when I'm excited. That was pretty crazy when Zeus summoned the Mega Kraken, right? I mean, did you see that?"

"We're watching the same film, aren't we?" he snapped.

"Jeez, who spit in your popcorn?"

"I—" Shepard looked down at his bag of popcorn, wondering briefly. "...Ah, I'm just distracted."

Garrus' mandibles twitched a little. "Distracted?"

"Distracted."

"How could anything tear your thoughts away from Another Clash of the Titans: Mega Kraken vs. Sharktopus?"

"I feel like I had something important to do... Something... very important... Very..." Shepard trailed off.

Garrus shrugged. "Well, if it wasn't worth remembering, it wasn't worth pursuing. That's my motto."

"You don't have a motto."

"You never let me have anything."

"I bought your ticket. And your soda."

"My empty soda." Garrus shook the cup, letting Shepard hear the ice rattle around freely. "Shepard."

"What?"

The turian shook the cup again. "My empty soda."