Changing Perceptions

A James and Lily Fan-Fiction

Part One--James

Damn him for getting sick! Damn Nana Lupin for dying! Damn Wormtail for being such a prat!

What the hell was I supposed to do now? My friends were utterly pissing me off. Although most of it was through no fault of their own. Okay, Sirius didn't have to be shagging Maggie Baker two days before she broke out with Dragon Pox and then come down with it just yesterday. And Moony really couldn't plan on his grandmother dying, either. But Wormtail, he was just an arse. A whiny, stand-offish arse to be exact.

I don't know what I'm going to do for the next three weeks until Sirius gets better. Mum and Dad have forbade me to go see him. I think Mum's exact words were, 'James, dear, we can't have you coming down with it as well. You're too precious for me to see you ill.' And then she went and put up quarantine charms that she used at St. Mungo's and only she and Dad were able to get through. Not even the house-elves could get in there. Sirius couldn't open the windows or use the fireplace, but fresh air was circulated into the guest house for him. I already knew that passing notes through my parents would lose its charm after two days.

Merlin knows why I suddenly felt the urge to write the letter, but I soon found myself hunched over my desk, quill in hand, writing to Lily Evans. I'd thought a lot about her the last few weeks since school let out for the summer holidays. I've been in love with her for what seems like forever, but she's shot me down every time I ever asked her out. Then the other day, I just realized, out of the blue, that perhaps a change in tactics was necessary. Or it could be that the idea that I'd be leaving school next June and it was time to grow up. It was probably a little of both.

After I sent my owl, Broadmoor, I almost called him back. I was nervous and couldn't believe I'd said what I did in that letter. But it was too late, and soon he was a dot in the distant sky. Maybe she was on holiday somewhere.

The next day, I had fallen asleep in the back garden on a chaise lounge. The combination of loneliness and boredom was slowly killing me, so, with nothing better to do, I dozed off until something began poking at my shirt collar. I immediately shot up to find a strange owl sitting on my chest.

"What the hell?"

The owl didn't move and merely tilted its head to the side, blinking repeatedly at me. It was then that I noted that the owl held an envelope in its beak. I reached out and took the letter; the owl immediately flew off into the blue sky.

I looked at the handwriting on the front of the envelope and felt a shiver run up my back. I never thought I'd see this writing on an owl addressed to me. It was from Lily. In my eagerness, I ripped open the envelope, tossing it aside onto the grass, and began to read.

Dear James,

I'm sorry to hear that the holidays are not going well for you. I'm sure that neither Sirius nor Remus planned on those things happening. And as for Peter, well, I always thought he was the weakest link in your little group. But that's really none of my business.

I did finish my homework last week, in fact. I was really surprised that you know me so well.

How could I not know her that well? I've studied her for over five years and know every nuance and habit of Lily Evans.

Mary MacDonald is in Spain until next week with her family. Oh, how I wish I was there. My sister is a nutter and driving me insane. You know how much she hates the fact that I'm a witch and she never lets me forget her opinions. And her fiancé…don't get me started on him. He's close to four hundred pounds and she thinks he's the sexiest man on earth. Merlin, I don't even want to think about her having sex with him.

Pamela Monahan has written to me a few times already. She's helping her sister with her new baby and hasn't been able to come to London much. So in a way, I'm having a rather dull summer as well.

And despite what you think, I don't hate you, James. And as far as your apology, I do accept it and I'm glad to hear that you're growing up. Juvenile behaviour doesn't suit someone like you. And one piece of advice, if I may? Just because you're handsome, doesn't mean that you have to flaunt it.

Sincerely,

Lily

She thinks I'm handsome!

It was a Thursday morning when everything changed. A normal, ordinary day when my life turned upside down and I began to doubt everything I was raised to believe. I had just gone down for breakfast to see my father grumbling behind the Daily Prophet. He hadn't touched his morning tea, so I knew he was upset about something.

"Hey, Dad," I said as I sat down in my customary spot, grabbing a piece of toast. "What's new this morning?"

I really didn't expect him to answer me; he usually didn't on mornings such as these.

"Bloody liberals! They're out to destroy the world!" he growled at me, shoving the paper to me. "Read that!"

I looked to where his finger was pointing and saw the headline: 'New Werewolf Legislation Proposed.' I smiled to myself and scanned the article, knowing that Remus would love it if this passed.

"Yeah, so? What's wrong with that?" I asked him, seeing his face change to one that contained anger and disgust.

"What's wrong with that? They want to stain the wizard world with this bloody shite! If they give those monsters rights, what's next? Centaurs?" He visibly shivered. "What they should do with them is kill them all! Kill them all as soon as they're bit, that's what I say!"

My mouth dropped. I couldn't believe that those words were actually coming out of my father's mouth.

"And the parents! How dare they let that happen to their children! They should have their wands broken and be cast out on their rear ends," he bellowed.

"And what about me, Dad? What if that happened to me? Would you kill me, too?" Anger bubbled up inside me and I wanted to throttle the bastard.

He scoffed, as if my suggestion was too ludicrous to think of. "James, James, James," he began in that stupid patronizing tone of his. "My dear boy, we are simply too good to get involved with dirt like that." With a shuffle of his hands, he disappeared behind his newspaper once again.

I wanted to scream at him, tell him that he's had a werewolf in his house, that a werewolf is one of my best friends, and that I'm actually with him when he's transformed. The old codger would have a heart attack if he knew and at the moment, I really wouldn't care. But I couldn't expose Remus that way; it was his secret to tell or hide, not mine.

So I did the only thing I could do and stormed out of the house, not bothering to acknowledge my mother, who was heading to the guest house to tend to Sirius. I grabbed my broom from the shed and kicked off, my face burning with unshed tears and more shame than I had ever felt in my life.

As I flew through the clouds, higher than I knew I should, all I could think of was the stupid, pathetic, shallow ideals my parents had. I knew they thought Purebloods like us were better than others, but until this morning at the breakfast table, I never knew how much it could hurt someone. Thinking that my father would rather Remus be dead than live the life he so deserved made my stomach churn, almost forcing my meagre breakfast up and out of my throat.

I stopped on top of a tree and cast a Disillusionment Charm. I didn't want to be found and if I could, I'd stay up in that tree all day. It was then that I gave up fighting and began to cry. I cried for Remus, the most loyal and kind person I'd ever known. I cried for Sirius because he was right all along about the ideals of his family, and ultimately, mine. But mostly, I cried for myself for allowing my privilege and position in life dictate what I was supposed to think and do.

I needed to break away and make my own mark, away from the Potter name. The only way I could do that was through school and a career that would make a difference somehow, a career that would ensure that every one with magical ability was treated fairly and equally. What it was, I didn't know yet. But it had to be out there, somewhere, and I was bound and determined to figure it out.

After staying in the tree for nearly an hour, I flew back home, still under the charm. Dad wouldn't really have noticed I was gone. His sight was failing and his mind wasn't as sharp as it once was. Mum, on the other hand, was a worrier. Ever since Sirius got sick, she'd been trying to keep tabs on me, telling me she didn't want her precious boy to get sick or hurt. I love my mum, who's really more the age of everyone else's grandmother, but I think her mind is stuck in 1950, when she and Dad got married, and that scares me. My parents are slipping away, right before my eyes, and I have no idea what I feel about it.

Once I got home, I scampered up to my room, pulled out some parchment and a pen, a Muggle pen that Remus picked up for me, and began pouring my heart out to Lily. I don't know why I chose to tell her all this, but she seemed like the only person who might understand. All my other friends were too close to the situation to offer any unbiased opinions. Besides, over the past few days, she and I had shared more in letters than we ever had in six years at Hogwarts.

When I first started writing to her, I thought that maybe I could change her mind and convince her to go out with me. But now, after getting to know her, I really wanted her to be my friend, someone I could be myself with and not have to worry about keeping up appearances or maintaining a reputation I no longer want. I still fancied her like mad, there was no doubt about that, but I wanted the whole package. I wanted to know the woman inside the gorgeous girl.

I watched Broadmoor, my screech owl, fly off toward Lily's house with my heart feeling a bit better. Even if things never worked out between us, romantically that is, I knew that I'd always be able to tell her anything.

"You told her before you told me? What the bloody hell's going on with you, Prongs?" Sirius asked me incredulously. He was cleared by Mum earlier that morning and we sat on the floor of my room, reading dirty magazines.

"You were sick, remember?"

He gave me a look that said 'Screw you,' and I laughed at him.

"Moony's been in Ireland all summer and Wormtail's—"

"An arse. I know, I know. But come on, James, why didn't you just come and tell me. I'm supposed to be your best friend," he said bitterly.

"You are! Hell, you're like my brother, Sirius! But I had to tell someone who was outside the situation---someone who wasn't involved." I jumped up and ran my hands through my hair and swore. Why couldn't he understand? Why was he being so bloody stubborn?

"James, you're not…you're not seeing her, are you?"

I looked up at him and was shocked by the look of abandonment I saw on his face.

"No! I fancy her loads, you know that, but she…I think she's more my friend right now." I tried to sound okay with it, but part of me was a bit—disappointed.

"Well, it's not as if you hadn't tried, Prongs. I mean, six years is a long time to pine after her, you know."

"What are you doing?" I couldn't believe I heard those words coming from his mouth. "You were the one who kept telling me to keep going after her. You told me—"

"I know what I told you!" he sneered. "Most of it was to make Snivellus feel like shit. That piece of crap—"

I threw up my hands. "Just stop it, Sirius! I don't care what the bloody—"

"BOYS! Hogwarts letters!" came my mother's voice from the bottom of the stairs, effectively cutting off my argument with Sirius. The two of us sprung from our places on the floor and thundered down the stairs to where mum beamed at us, extending her hands out to us. "I can't believe it's your final year." She began to sob.

"Mum Potter, please stop. You're going to make me cry," Sirius said dramatically. "I can't believe I'll be leaving that fine educational institution in a few months." He faked a sob and grasped his letter lovingly in his hand and crumpled to the floor, ripping the envelope open.

"Oh you! Can't an old woman express her emotions?" Mum sniffed out between tears.

"Well, go express them over there with the Golden Boy," he answered with a chuckle. "It's just the same old letter. Blah, blah…supplies, blah, blah, blah…ticket for the first."

I hadn't heard what Sirius was on about, as I hadn't read past the second sentence of the letter. 'Congratulations on being named Head Boy for the class of 1978.' Me? Head Boy?

"Blimey," I muttered to no one in particular.

"What is it, dear?" Mum asked, placing her head on my shoulder. "Something wrong?"

"McGonagall expelled you, didn't she?" Sirius asked from his place on the floor.

"N—no…I'm…I…Head Boy." I looked up and beamed at my mother. Her eyes widened and fresh tears poured out from her eyes.

"Oh, Jimmy-Jam!"

My good humour quickly disappeared upon hearing my baby name, something she hadn't called me since I was five. I looked over at Sirius, who was now rolling on the floor with laughter and any retort I was prepared to give him was swallowed up by my mother as she buried me within her arms. Her head rested on my chest and she was mumbling something about being proud of me and something else about Dad. I looked over her grey hair and glared at my friend, who was now gasping for breath.

"Ji—Jimmy-Jam! Oh bloody hell, I am not going to forget that one!" Sirius burst out in laughter yet again and I managed to pull myself out of my mother's clutches, jumping on him and trying to throttle the blasted smile off his gleeful face. I managed a couple soft punches to his stomach and pinned him down on the floor with my wand pointed at his face when my father's bellow interrupted me.

"JAMES HAROLD MARCUS ANTHONY DELPHINIUM POTTER!"

Never before have I wished for a black hole to swallow me up. Not only had Mum called me Jimmy-Jam in front of Sirius, but my father used all five of my names, including Delphinium. I hate that name with a passion.

"Delphinium! Oh Merlin, Prongs, why didn't you ever tell me?" He shoved me off him and shuffled up to his feet and straightened his clothes as he stood next to my father. "Sorry, Pa Potter," he said as he ruffled Dad's hair and kissed his cheek. "But Jimmy-Jam here was just named Head Boy. I couldn't resist giving him a bit of a ribbing about it."

"It's true, Corney!" Mum squealed. "He's Head Boy! Our little Jimmy-Jam is top of his class! Isn't it marvellous?"

I rolled my eyes and braced myself for the onslaught I knew I'd receive from my father. And, true to form, he spewed on about good breeding and my superior intelligence, which sent Sirius into yet another tailspin. This was going to be a long day.

Fortunately for me, Sirius was distracted later in the day by an owl he received from his Uncle Alphard. He was unusually quiet as he read it in the sitting room and a smile crept up in the corners of his mouth. Without warning, he sprung up from his seat, whooping and hollering.

"Merlin's beard, Prongs! Look at this!" He shoved the letter into my hands and I looked over the letter with anxious eyes.

Dear Sirius—

I am sorely remiss for not doing this sooner, but I have a gift for you that I should have given you last year when you left home. Please meet me at Gringotts tomorrow at 11am sharp. This is probably going to be something that makes your mother blast my name off the tapestry as well.

Uncle Alphie

I looked up at Sirius, knowing that I wore a stupid, silly grin that was usually reserved for either a Quidditch victory or whenever Lily would actually speak to me in a pleasant way.

"He's giving you money!"

As much as Sirius loved living with me and my family, I could tell that he really wanted to branch out on his own. His recent imprisonment in the guest house only made him more anxious and depressed. I'd miss him if he left, of course, but it was really up to him.

"No doubt! And I can finally get out—" He stopped abruptly, a fearful look washing over his face. "James...you know that I love your parents and all they've done for me, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Of course I do."

"But I need to…to get out on my own," he said softly, sitting himself on the sofa next to me.

"It's okay, really. I know Mum and Dad'll be glad to be rid of you," I teased, nudging him in the ribs, stifling the awkward bit of emotion that was welling up inside me.

As if he sensed my inner battle, Sirius became eerily quiet. I don't know how long the two of us sat there, listening to each other's breathing, but it seemed like forever.

"Come with me tomorrow?"

"And what am I supposed to do while you're at Gringotts?" I had an inkling of what I'd like to do, but I wasn't going to voice that to him.

Sirius rolled his eyes and gave me a shove that almost dislodged me from the sofa.

"Phone. Her," he said emphatically. "Not that hard, Prongs. You learned how to use a phone box in Muggle Studies, right? I know you want to. Ask her to go shopping for school supplies. You know she'll go for that kind of shit." He nudged me again.

"Bu—but…I don't know her phone number," I stammered.

"Fucking shit, Prongs, are you a wizard or not? Usurpo defero Lily Evans!" Sirius waved his wand over a piece of scrap paper and several numbers appeared, which I assumed was Lily's phone number.

I had no choice now.

I was going to phone Lily tomorrow, and hopefully, I'd be seeing her as well.

I'm never going to get any sleep tonight.