Disclaimer: as usual, in the past three days, i have not become to owner of Twilight. i do own these ridiculous chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter frosting, chocolate gouache drizzled over and quartered peanut butter cups both baked into the cupcake and topping the cupcake.
chapter six
"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death."
Coco Chanel
Isabella
The tree against my back is solid, thriving with life, hundreds of thousands little cells of life running under the ground, roots bringing nourishment to the oak. Nourishment that I need.
I'm warring with myself, trying to fight off the need. But I know it's hopeless - the older I aged, the more often I had cravings and now, being in this place, the hunger came much more quick than it ever had.
I peel off my gloves slowly, wishing that I didn't have to but my vision is blurring and blood is rushing through my head, my head pounding and my ears roaring with white noise. The pit of my stomach is hollow, pangs coming with every breath.
As my hands touch the vibrant grass, a wave of ecstasy pulses through me; I can feel energy pouring into my body, feel every bit seeping into my cells, filling me. But I'm far from full as I dig my fingers into the fertile soil, searching for more, always more.
What feels like moments later, my eyes are open, taking in the damage of what I've done. My sight seems more sharp, more contrasted, my body lighter. I sigh and let my eyes wander up, my breath stopping in my lungs when grey-green eyes connect with my own.
Oh no.
Someone saw.
But not just someone, my mind argues. He saw.
Edward, the fighter from the Arena, the one who I couldn't stop thinking about.
And now he would be fearful of me, avoiding me at all costs. Running away from me. A sense of self-loathing washes over me as I look away and flee, running as fast as I can behind the tree and into the woods.
From behind me, I can barley hear my name being called but I continue on, navigating myself behind the school and to my dorm. It's not until I am panting in my room, rubbing at the tear tracks running down my face that I realize I left my bag under the tree.
Sometime later, Alice is knocking on my door and entering my room with a peculiar look on her face. "Edward just dropped this off," she informs, placing my bag on the ground by the door and walking further into my dorm.
Her ocean eyes are changing from stormy cobalt to swirling aqua as she regards me. I am laying on my stomach with my head resting on my folded arms; I'm positive my expression is heartbroken because that is exactly how I feel.
For one reason or another, I feel like I lost something today - lost someone.
The guilt is eating me up, also, as it always does. I feel such an intense feeling of shame for needing the energy and seeing my own destruction always made it worse - no matter how well my body felt afterwards.
But today the guilt is second to the broken feeling in my chest.
Alice's brows furrow as she sits on the cushy black leather chair across from the bed, beside the large window. Her body is folded up, chin on knees, arm around legs, eyes on me.
"Talk about it," she demands, her voice gentle but firm.
And so I do - I tell her about everything and not just from today. I start at the beginning, shocking myself by opening up to another person as it had never truly happened before. Of course, there were times when I was honest with the person who acted as my indifferent mother but, with Alice, it's different. I feel no need to filter any of my words or thoughts because she will continue to sit and listen until I am done.
I tell her about the confusion of being here and the elation I felt in Olympus City and the serenity of being on Academy campus even though I sometimes get odd and fearful looks from other students. I tell her about the longing I feel for Edward and about how he witnessed my horrid gift today and about how I ran. I tell her about a few of the more frightening instances of my power - when I was only thirteen and the gift assaulted me for the first time and I took out acres of forest and how I covered it up by lighting matches, hoping someone would buy the forest fire.
When I am done, her eyes are compassionate and a small smile plays on the edges of her lips. I predict that she says something about my power as that was what I had gone into most detail about but Alice surprises me, stating softly, "You love him."
I feel my face heat and begin to shake my head. "No, I don't," my voice trembles with the lie. I direct my eyes out to the window, avoiding her gaze.
My eyes, for some time, had been drawn in that direction and as I let them settle on the figure that is pacing under an old weeping willow, I realize why. Edward seems to be muttering to himself, his hands pulling at his hair when he glances towards my building.
"You do."
"I can't," I whisper, feeling unwanted tears forming in my eyes, making my vision swim and Edward blur. It's the truth. How would I ever be able to love Edward? I can hardly touch anything without draining it and Gods forbid I ever touch a person.
"Isabella," Alice says, calling my attention to her. Reluctantly, I draw my eyes away and give her my attention. "You can. You have to. It's already out of your control-"
"No-"
"Listen to me," she commands, snapping her fingers once. "In Ancient times, Gods were drawn to each other because their powers called them together. Erebus, the darkness, and Nyx, the night, were created separately but became one. The ocean nymph Pleione was drawn to Atlas. Hera and Zeus even play on each other's gifts, though they tend to be more silent about it. What you are experiencing with Edward is the same - your powers crave him as his do yours."
I shake my head in denial. "That's worse," I tell her, shuddering to think that my only experience with these emotions is because of my gifts.
"No, it's not what you think, Isabella." Alice is quick to correct me, waving her hands rapidly as she talks fast. "Yes, your drawn to him because of the gifts - but that's it. It's only a draw. What your feeling, emotionally, is all you. And him."
I look again towards the window, processing this and am stunned when I catch Edward's eyes, the grey-green boring through thick glass and distance.
Does he feel the same? Or is he only drawn?
I am cautious of the ground the next morning. While yesterday had been frosty, the long night had given way to heavy snowfall, rich and powdery frozen ice that continued to fall from the sky. My eyes are set firmly on the knee-high black suede boots I found in my closet, along with thick acid-washed jeans and a snug dark grey turtle-neck sweater. I'm bundled up and warm with my gloves, scarf and jacket, but find myself wishing that I had a hat of some sort because my ears are suffering from the cold.
Apparently, Gods are as affected by weather as humans are.
I'm so concentrated on getting to the main building in one piece that I nearly run into two bodies - one large and muscular, the other taller than me and voluptuous.
"Easy there!" The voice is booming and attached to a kind face. His arms are around a stunning blonde with violet eyes and a calculating smile - I cannot help but feel as though she's summing me up and finding something lacking. "I'm Emmett,"
"Elysia," I reply shakily, looking up at his curly dark hair and warm caramel eyes. "I'm so sorry for-"
"Don't worry about it," he laughs, smiling at the girl beside him who's face has changed to amused. "This is my fiancée, Rosalie."
Her face is much more beautiful now that she hasn't deemed me a threat. Rosalie smiles happily at me and turns back to Emmett, telling him with her eyes that they need to leave.
As they walk towards the boy's dormitory building, Emmett calls a happy good-bye back at me.
The school's layout is fairly simple and except for one class of mine, I'm able to find my way easily. My mind is hovering over the information Alice had supplied with me earlier as I take a seat in my Mythology class. The teacher claims to be a son of Leto, a Goddess who was known for giving birth to Artemis and Apollo - and nothing else.
He calls the class to attention, taking roll and going straight into the lecture. I take mindless notes, wondering about the odd feeling in my stomach that grows stronger towards the end of class.
Suddenly, the feeling grows into a demanding pull, fluttering up into my chest near my heart. My hand moves to rest over my sternum as my eyes are pulled with snapping force towards the doorway.
I bit my lip to keep the gasp in. Leaning heavily on the doorjamb is Edward, his gaze steady and boring into me. Nothing about his demeanor seems unfriendly, but there is a certain air of determination resting around him. Before the bell rings, I am pulling my bag onto my shoulder and walking towards him.
As I come closer, he leans away from the door and slowly walks backwards, keeping eye contact with me the entire time.
The bell rings off in the distance and I quickly glance around, stunned that he had drawn us to the courtyard from yesterday without my noticing. I balk, my eyes resting on the damage I caused, the snow somehow not covering much of it at all.
"Isabella," his voice is soft and velvety, coaxing my attention to him. Edward is standing so close that the cool puffs of his breath are mingling with mine in the frigid air.
I take a step away and straighten my back, unsure about too many things. I stay silent and wait for him to continue.
"Why did you run?" Edward demands, his eyes suddenly wild and worried.
I press my lips together, not having an explanation. "Why did you…watch?"
He, too, seems to not have an answer. We stand feet away from each other, watching as the other breathes and thinks for several minuets. I am the first to move, taking another step away from him. Almost instantly, his hand reaches out as if to pull me back but rests in the air, the rest of his body still.
I'm thankful that I do not have to go to the Arena today and face him. A large part of me wishes to speak to him but the smaller, more scared, part of myself that I listen to most often wants to run away and hide.
I turn towards the main building and glance over my shoulder at Edward one last time, taking in his frustrated expression. The grey-green of his eyes seem to follow me for the rest of the day, as does the pull in my chest.
A/N: i was happy with this chapter because we got to see what's going on in Bella's head, a truer side of Alice and we learned what the pull was - an explanation i'm rather proud about.
shout out to IvySnow - you know why!
be brutally honest. i can take it.
~cupcakeriot