(A/N As much as I wish I did, I do not own any of the Twilight Saga, that all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own Edward either, which sucks because he's fun to write (:
Read and review…please! Sorry for the delay…writers block!)
Chapter 2 – Destruction
Every strangled breath I took gave birth to another violent shake rippling through my broken body. My hands were clenched tight to the steering wheel as my eyes stared unseeingly out of the windshield at the road which was disappearing underneath my speeding tyres. All I could picture was her beautiful face crumpling in grief as I delivered that shattering line "I don't want you", the way her usually blushing cheeks had turned ghostly pale as the line sank in would be an image that I knew would haunt me for the rest of eternity. Or as long as I would continue with this measly existence on this planet, I amended in my mind. I knew, or thought, hoped, that I would be able to live without her, but I knew that as soon as she ceased to exist, then I must too. To know that she was still alive somewhere would be the only comforting thought to get me through this blackest night that my life had become just mere hours ago.
The little, seemingly inconsequential town of Forks was hundreds of miles behind me despite the fact that I had not been paying any attention to where I was going, or to the time. I really didn't know where I was going. My whole family had joined Alice and Jasper in Alaska after I had made the decision to leave Bella. I, however, was heading in the completely opposite direction, without having consciously made the decision to do so. But as I thought about it now, going to my family was not the best idea at the moment. I knew that I was a mess, an agonized, ruined creature who was utterly inconsolable and bordering on becoming out of control. No-one deserved to see that, especially not my family, the ones I loved.
Although, thanks to my heightened vampire senses, I did not need to watch the road, I decided that I would need to pull over soon. My whole marble frame was vibrating forcefully as tortuous, choking sobs ripped out of my aching, empty chest. Pretty soon, even my instincts would be clouded; pretty soon this crushing grief would completely overwhelm every part of me. Going to a motel would be idiotic frankly since I didn't need to rest, I needed to vent this anguish, had to get rid of it before it completely ate me up. I needed to loose control of myself entirely, which meant being somewhere where humans were not.
My tortured golden eyes scanned the forest which encroached silently on either side of the deserted freeway, looking for some kind of dirt track or a break in the trees where I could safely park my car. Not that I really cared about the car, but if I left it abandoned in the middle of the road, it would no doubt cause an accident. I may be a mere fraction of the person I had been three days ago, but that did not change my view on preserving human life. A few miles away, I could see a small break in the trees, just a big enough gap to dump my car while I retreated deep into the woods, out of sight from the road and any human life.
I took one hand off the steering wheel and wrapped it tightly around my torso in a vain attempt to soothe the pain. It felt like I was falling apart, like my body had shattered into a thousand little pieces which I was in grave danger of losing at any second. In reality, I knew this was ridiculous because I could see my stone chest, feel it and it was in no way broken; I was much too strong, physically, for that to happen.
The little break in the trees was approaching quickly, so I slowed the Volvo until it was at a slow enough speed that I could turn in without crashing, not that that would hurt me of course. I could almost feel a kind of relief running through me as I pulled into the little space, knowing that I didn't have to hold back my anger at myself, at what I was, that I no longer had to contain the absolute agony undulating through my surprisingly fragile feeling body.
I was out of the car and rushing through the forest before I had even taken another choking breath. I could feel what remained of my wavering self control slipping away with every one of my inhumanly quick strides and in all honesty, I was well past caring about what the outcome of losing hold of myself right here where any car on the road would hear the carnage I would cause. I could not stop my mind before it raced back to the fateful night where my whole world had been turned upside down by an immaterial piece of wrapping paper…
Bella accepted the silver wrapped square from Alice's outstretched hand that was from both of us, rolling those delightful brown eyes at me, clearly under the absurd impression that I had gone against her wishes and spent money on her birthday present. I didn't really understand why she refused to let me spend money on her, the one person I actually wanted to buy presents for and treat her like the queen she was, but alas she would always complain loudly if ever I tried. Her nonsensical behaviour annoyed me, but I never questioned it nor would I ever ignore any wishes that she had since my only desire was to make her entirely happy. I sighed lightly at her, a kind of exasperated sound but it would have been far too low for her to hear it and she slid her delicate little finger under the edge of the paper and she weakly tugged on it. Suddenly, as I drew in another breath, the scent of her alluring, fresh blood hit me so forcefully that it was rather like being hit full force with a battering ram. My breathing cut off immediately as the horrible tortuous fiery thirst assaulted my throat. Loving her would no stop me being overcome with the desire for her blood, it would not stop me hurting her or worse killing her, this much I knew. My mind was already locked in a fierce battle over her blood, my instincts telling me to pounce on her, while my rational, conscious side was warning me against it. But as she withdrew her finger from the paper, the tiniest drop of blood on the end, all thoughts of killing her immediately escaped my mind as Jasper's murderous thoughts registered with me. My protective instincts took over immediately and I launched myself towards Bella, not even pausing to think about how horribly fragile she was, I didn't have time.
"No!" I roared as I collided with her, near enough throwing her across the room. There was a sickening, deafening crash as her tiny form smashed into the table which housed the insane number of crystal bowls that Alice had decided to use to decorate the room with. I flinched noticeably upon hearing the terrifying noise but I didn't have time to dwell on the outcome of flinging her breakable body out of the line of Jasper's attack. Within a fraction of a second, Jasper had crashed into me, a sound like two boulders ramming into each other but I did not notice the sound since Jasper's razor sharp, venom coated teeth were snapping just inches away from my face. I was durable, but his teeth would do me a great deal of damage if he managed to dig them into my skin, which I knew he would be able to do considering he was a skilled fighter. There was a menacing growling noise erupting from deep within Jasper's chest as his instincts took him over completely and told him to fight me for his prey, fight me for the human girl that I was protecting and would always protect no matter what it cost me.
Before Jasper's teeth could find purchase on my skin, Emmett grabbed him from behind, restraining him easily with his immense strength. However, this did not stop Jasper's attempts to get to my love. He continued to struggle against Emmett's overpowering, unbreakable strength, his scarily empty eyes focussed on a terrified, dazed looking Bella, who, much to my horror, was drenched in her own blood. She must have cut herself on the shards of broken crystal.
Although Jasper was the only one to physically react to Bella's exposed blood, my whole family was now craving what they knew they couldn't have. Carlisle was the only one who managed to remain calm. He, after all, had so much experience at dealing with human blood and he now almost didn't smell the intoxicating scent. Never in my life had I wished that I had that kind of control. I hated the fact that this monster was taking over me, willing me to launch myself at the woman I loved and kill her just to satiate my thirst. It was horrific and I wished for nothing more than to be completely devoid of the temptation that her blood brought to me.
"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside." Carlisle demanded in a quiet yet authoritative voice as he attempted to relieve the situation as calmly as he possibly could. He was always able to remain so composed, no matter what was happening around him. I envied him that as well.
"Come on, Jasper." Emmett agreed, wholly unamused for what had to be the first time in his existence. He was not smiling or trying to crack a joke. His thoughts betrayed nothing remotely amusing about this whole situation. Jasper was fighting a losing battle against Emmett's brute strength, but he continued to write about in his arms, turning his head to snap his teeth in Emmett's direction now instead. Smugly, Rosalie stepped towards Jasper and helped Emmett wrestle him out of the back door and into the fresh air where he would no doubt return to his senses. I was too concerned for Bella's welfare to ponder for long on what would become of Jasper now, instead I stepped towards her injured form, crouching defensively over her, a low warning growl escaping through my clenched teeth. I still wasn't breathing and I found it more than a little uncomfortable, however the alternative to my discomfort was much worse so I ignored it, pushing the memory of the scent of her fresh blood out of my mind. That was a disadvantage, or an advantage depending on how you looked at it, of being a vampire; your memory is impeccable and forgets nothing, not even a scent inhaled for the briefest second.
The blood was even overwhelming poor, motherly, caring Esme but I was too frightened for Bella to register her as she quietly stepped outside after Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie, calling out a strangled apology to Bella as she left. My terrified yet dangerous gaze fell upon Bella, quickly assessing the extent of the damage. She appeared to have sliced her forearm open. There was a scary amount of blood pooling on the floor beside her and on her shirt which was now ruined and there seemed to be a heck of a lot of glass wedged into the cut.
"Let me by, Edward." Carlisle mumbled in a soothing voice and although I knew he was just trying to help, make the bleeding stop, my protective side refused to move, refused to leave Bella open to another attack. But I knew that if I did not move then she would lose too much blood and…die. And that was unacceptable. I knew I could not live in a world where she did not exist so my mind began another battle, trying to override my defensive instincts and let my father get to my Bella and treat her injuries. One glance down at her petrified expression was all it took for me to give up. I nodded and slowly relaxed from my crouch to stand straight again, my golden eyes not once leaving her face. I was hoping that by continuing to stare at her, I would be reminded of exactly why I could not act on my impulses, why I couldn't press my lips to that wound and drain her…
I shuddered unnoticeably at the thought just as Carlisle ducked down to examine the slash in her arm. Alice came over to us, towels in her tiny hands, but of course that wouldn't help. There was too much glass in the wound and it would just make it a whole lot worse. Carlisle confirmed this before he reached over to the table cloth and ripped a strip from it so he could make a tourniquet above the cut to stop the continual flow of bright red blood. This was becoming unbearable for me, but she needed me so I continued to fight against myself, pushing my self control to its limits, determined to be there for her.
"Bella, do you want me to drive you to the hospital or would you like me to take care of it here?" Carlisle asked her in a soft voice, determined to calm her down, though it did not appear to be working. She was still in a state of shock; I could read it on her face. She was so easy to read…and of course I knew exactly what her reply would be. She didn't disappoint and insisted that Carlisle treated her in the house. No doubt she wanted to keep what had happened a secret from her father who would only worry.
Alice disappeared to get Carlisle's first aid bag as I bent down and carefully pulled Bella up into my strong arms, cradling her gently against my chest, trying to not look at the blood or get it on my clothes, it would only make things that much more difficult for me. I couldn't help wondering what would have happened if she had been sensible and stayed away from me and my family, if she had stayed with her human friends and it had been them who she celebrated her birthday with. I knew immediately that she would have been much better off with the likes of Angela and Mike. What was the worst that could have happened with them? That they couldn't find a plaster? Or if she had fallen into the crystal bowls, as was quite likely with Bella, the worst thing that would happen would be her dripping blood in someone's car as they drove her to the ER. And for what I believed to be the second time in my measly existence, I longed to be a normal human boy, someone who brought absolutely no harm to this wonderful girl.
I had always known that it was wrong of me to love her, and I had known that she would be put in danger. I had learned that much from the encounter with James back in spring. But, although I knew deep down there was a chance, never had I imagined that any member of my family would pose a serious risk to her precious life. Jasper had always found it hard to be around the smell of human blood, but I had never expected him to be so close to killing Bella.
As I carried her into the kitchen, Carlisle trailing along beside me, holding the tourniquet firmly to her arm, I began pondering what was right and wrong. I was mostly trying to keep my mind off the blood oozing out of her in torrents, but I also had some serious considerations to mull over. My moral side which I had all but buried in my quest to be with Bella was beginning to resurface, screaming at me that it had always been a bad idea to be near Bella and that I should leave her alone before she could get hurt more. But as was usual with me, there was the selfish, and for the time being, more dominant part of my mind that couldn't bear to be without her, that refused to leave her. I was in love with her and the pain inflicted from being apart from her would be too great. It was a poor excuse for what I was continually doing to her, but I couldn't help how I felt.
I was only vaguely aware that Bella and Carlisle were speaking but I was too caught up in my own thoughts to register what they were saying. My face was frozen in an unreadable expression as I continued with my internal battle and studiously ignored what was happening in the present moment, other than to gently place Bella in a chair so Carlisle could get to work on her arm. I stood behind her chair in another defensive position, afraid to leave her unprotected now but Bella could tell that I was uncomfortable.
"Just go Edward." She sighed, not looking up at me, instead her eyes were intent on the floor, trying hard not to look at her wound. Part of me knew that she was right, I should go but I was too anxious to leave her, even though I knew she would be totally safe with Carlisle and Alice. Alice loved her too much to cause her any harm and Carlisle was so in control of his thirst that it bordered on being scary.
"I can handle it." I insisted, noting that I was running low on air so I couldn't continue arguing for long unless I wanted to inhale and ruin the control that I was clinging to by my fingertips. I could feel how tight my jaw was and I knew that I was betraying how painful this was for me, but I didn't care, I wasn't going to leave her.
"You don't need to be the hero." She countered, her voice sounding strained with what I assumed to be pain. And just as she finished speaking, she winced as Carlisle gently poked about in the wound. That made up my mind for sure.
"I'll stay." I replied curtly in a tone that rang with finality, though I knew that she would just disregard this as she tended to do. And that was it for my oxygen, I could speak no more…Damn why couldn't my lungs hold more air. I would have groaned in frustration if I had been able to.
"Why are you so masochistic?" She mumbled, a hint of annoyance betrayed in her otherwise soft, quiet tone. But she had always known that I was a masochist, that I would suffer any pain for her. And it was then that Carlisle decided to intervene, reminding me of Jasper. Alice and Bella both agreed quickly and I was not impressed that they were ganging up on me. I narrowed my eyes at the three of them but I knew they had a point. Jasper would be near enough inconsolable and I had to deal with my brother, calm down so that he was okay to be around Bella again, not that I planned to let her near him again any time soon. So I nodded and sprinted out of the door, feeling the wind whip my dishevelled bronze hair back.
Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Esme were huddled together just beside the river and as Carlisle had predicted, he was indeed upset with himself and was refusing to listen to Emmett or Esme's reasoning. Rosalie was remaining silent, her thoughts arrogant as she reminded herself that she had predicted something like this happening when I had first fallen in love with Bella. I inhaled sharply and blew that breath out in a low hiss, directed at Rosalie. But of course Jasper in all his worry had assumed that I the noise was directed at him. I shook my head at Jasper whose head had snapped up, an apologetic, guilty looked etched on his pale face. Most people would blame him for what he had just done, but I couldn't find it in me to be angry at him. It was all my fault of course; I should not have brought Bella into our world. It was hard for everyone to ignore freshly spilt blood, but harder for Jasper since he was new to this life. I should not have dangled temptation in front of him.
I sighed lightly as I slowly, for me, crossed the grass to them and as soon as I made the move towards them, Jasper began apologising though most of what he said was incoherent babble. He had to get it out of his system before he would listen to logic so I allowed him to go on with his rambling, stopping in front of him and crossing my arms across my marble chest.
It took several eternally long minutes for him to calm down enough to trail of into silence. I hadn't really listened to what he had to say because whatever it was it would have been wrong. He needed to understand the truth, and I was determined to make him do that, as much as he wouldn't agree with it. I inhaled deeply hoping that the fresh air would calm me somewhat and locked my serious golden gaze with his, hoping to convey my absolute sincerity when I spoke. I tended to be a truthful person when it came to my family so how could he doubt the words I was about to speak, and of course he would be able to read my emotions with his wonderful talent.
"Jasper, please refrain from placing the blame on yourself." I began in a quiet yet firm voice, holding up one long, slender finger as I saw him about to interrupt me. "This whole thing was entirely my fault. I'm being completely honest when I say that I do not blame you for any of this. I should never have brought Bella into our world. I always knew it was dangerous and I always knew that just being around me posed a threat. We all found it hard to resist her blood when it was spilled in front of us. You are not weak and don't ever think it." I frowned a little, my eyebrows pulling together as I heard his thoughts. He was not ready to let this go, yet he couldn't doubt my open honesty with him and although I had told him he was not weak, he didn't believe me. He was convinced that he was pathetic and unworthy of my words; he felt like the chink in the chain.
"I'm so sorry Edward." He replied quietly, his gaze flickering to the back door which had just opened as Alice came striding out as well, clearly overpowered by Bella's wonderfully enticing scent. "I mean her no harm but I couldn't help myself. I never want to hurt her, nor do I want to hurt you. I don't even know how to begin to make this up to you…" He trailed off again, looking lost as I again raised a finger to halt his flow of unnecessary apologies. By this time Alice had joined us, stopping lightly beside Jasper and wrapping her little arms around him, trying to soothe him. The bond between them was so strong that he was calmed instantly, just as I would no doubt be if Bella had done the same to me.
"Jasper," Alice murmured serenely fixing her honey eyes on him. "Bella is going to be fine. Calm yourself down, everything will be okay." She promised in a light, yet sincere whisper. Jasper stared at his wife for a long moment and it was as though they were having a silent conversation before he eventually nodded. His thoughts were still riddled with guilt but for Alice's sake and for mine he chose not to voice his woes.
However, I could not agree with what Alice said. Everything was not going to be okay, not after what had happened. Something had to change…I had to remove the danger from around Bella, I had to put her welfare before my own…
I came back to the present, all shreds of my control had vanished now and I couldn't see them ever feasibly returning to me. I had decided that night to leave her and now I had worked up the courage to do it. But I didn't dwell on that now; I had to let out my rage. The fury that was directed at myself for being such an idiot, and the anger that was directed at what I was…a monster, a vampire, dangerous.
With a fierce snarl, I lurched towards the nearest tree which was several hundred feet tall. A deafening ripping noise echoed through the nearby forest as I tore the tree up by the roots and launched it across the small space into a nearby tree. The impact caused a loud thunderous noise as the tree I had thrown and the one it had smashed into both broke into a thousand pieces…