"All the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies, all the single ladies," sang some Beyonce lady.

I was watching the music video and it is utterly BORING. Someone knocked on the door and I said, "Come in," with as much no-feelingness as I could.

The door creaked open and Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, and Jackson Rathbone came in. Someone was missing.

"Where's Nikki?" I asked.

"She died," Jackson said simply.

"How?" I asked.

"She got poked to death by unicorns," Ashley started.

"And got eaten by llamas," Rob finished.

I made no comment. Ashley poked his cheek and Jackson opened his mouth. Hips Don't Lie by Shakira started playing.


Ladies up in here tonight
No fighting, no fighting
We got the refugees up in here
No fighting, no fighting

Shakira, Shakira

I never really knew that she could dance like this
She makes a man wants to speak Spanish
Como se llama (si), bonita (si), mi casa (si, Shakira Shakira), su casa
Shakira, Shakira

Willy Wonka danced into the room in a suit of melting chocolate. "Candy for all! Tee hee! Spread the love! Tee hee! I love you! Tee hee!"

One of his oompa loompas came in and ate Kristen Stewart alive. Mwuhahahahaha! Rob is MINE! Wait—I like Edward, not that ugly "actor." Edward is beautiful!

"Bună ameninţător prietenă," Edward said, bowing. "Voi a presimţi plăcere polios batătură."

"Why are you speaking in Romanian?" I asked.

"Cuz we visited Stefan and Vladimir in Romania, silly little Janie," Kristen, who was in the oompa loompa's digestive organ, said.

"Silence, peasant!" I screamed, jabbing a finger into the oompa loompa's stomach.

"Hush. Let us watch Silent Hill in peace," Kellan said. "We shall watch young Jodelle Ferland be creepy."

So everyone sat around the campfire and sang that campfire song, that c-a-m-p-f-i-r-e s-o-n-g.

Alec came in wearing a fruit basket hat. "I wanna cheeseberry muffin!" he screamed.

"Cheeseberry muffins don't exist, Alexis. Now go away. We're watching Ni Hao Kai Lan and we're learning Chinese!" Ashley yelled.

Alec walked away, dejected. "My name is Alec. And I am a survivor!" he yelled over his shoulder.

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