Chapter 16 Back in the snow…
Ending back up in Minnesota is not what any of them had in mind when their road to fame started. Not even during their year of torture. James still feels furious when the first cold brush of air meets him as he steps out of his mom's car.
He huffs and hurries out. He ignores his mother calling out his name behind him and slams the car door. He then proceeds to hurry into his old home and also slams that door shut with force.
He stomps up the stairs and gets inside his bedroom. Well, it shouldn't be his bedroom anymore. He should be at the Palm Woods, lounging by the pool. With his friends… He lets himself fall onto his bed and angrily punches a pillow that's on it.
He jumps up again and starts to throw around random items, screaming out in anger. In the end, he throws a pillow at his full-length mirror and stops.
He stares at himself in it as he is now sitting down in a bean chair. His face changes from anger to shock. His hand starts to tremble as he finally takes a good look at his own reflection.
He traces a shaking hand across the fading scars on his face, gasping at the strange feeling it gives him. He slowly gets up and starts to remove his warm vest. He keeps his eyes on the mirror and gulps as he slowly grabs the hem of his shirt and pulls it over his head.
The sight of the also fading scars on his chest make him let out a deep breath. He stands sideways and traces a hand over his stomach. He tilts his head sideways as he tries to suck it in further. Tears start to well up in his eyes when he can no longer hold his breath and he sees his stomach sticking out.
His whole body trembles now as tears slowly dribble down his face. He faces to the front again and starts to choke on his tears as one hand makes it up to his head. His hair has grown longer again, but the memories of what happened are too much.
He cries silently as he races into his own bathroom and finds a pair of scissors. With trembling hands and tars pouring down and starts to cut the strands, not stopping until his body trembles too much and he falls to the ground in a sobbing heap.
Katie Knight also never thought she'd see this house again. She couldn't even believe it when her mother said she never really sold it. She had rented it out so that they could move right back when something happened.
So when the house comes back into view, Katie finally realizes this isn't a dream. It's all real. The boys were really gone for a year. Her brother has become a small, frightened child and they are back in chilly Minnesota.
As she gets out the door, she tries to ignore her mother, who can see the distress on her daughter's face. She looks at the house with her mouth hanging open. She shakes her head, closes her eyes, and wants it to be a nightmare. But when she opens her eyes again, it's still there.
The house is still old, small, cold. Her brother is still shaking in their car, afraid of anyone who looks at him. And her mother looks so broken, but she tries to hold everything together.
She can't take it anymore and starts to back up from the house, from her family.
"Katie.." Her mother starts as she backs up more.
"No, this isn't real. None of this is real!" She screams at her mother with tears streaming down her face and makes a run for it. She hears her mother calling out her name in concern, but she can't take this. She just can't. So she keeps on running and running, until she can't go on. She falls to her knees in the snow, sobbing with no one there to help her get up.
Logan Mitchell was never a born star to begin with. It was never his dream to go to LA and become a singer. He had wanted to become a doctor. But he could never have stayed behind in Minnesota without his friends. So he went anyway and he had grown to love it. He started to become good at it. He was happy. No one was there telling him what to do and push him to get better at it. Well, Gustavo did, but that was different. He wasn't… He wasn't his parents.
So as he finds himself sitting in the car with his parents, driving back to Minnesota, he is in a full state of shock. He is furious. Not to be back here, but to be back with his parents. They never approved of anything he did. They never liked his friends and now they had even made it clear he was not to see them again.
He was going back to being Hortense Mitchell. The boy who got good grades and studied hard to become a doctor. Or Logan, the nerd. The kid with the yelling parents. He was never good enough for them. His sister was. She was the apple of their eye. Nothing she did could ever be wrong in their eyes. She was already in advanced classes of everything.
He was too, but he had to work twice as hard at it. His friends had always deemed him to be the smart one, the nerd of the group. But they never realized how hard it was for him. Or at least, he didn't think they did.
He loved the three of them. They made him feel normal. He never had to try hard around them. He could just be himself. Now who would he be? He always had them to fall back on whenever he felt bad, when anything happened. Without them, he was just Logan again.
The thoughts continue to rattle him, while he tries to tune out the bickering of his parents. He doesn't even register them stopping in front of their house. Or getting out of the car. He just remembers ending up in his room somehow and falling on his bed. He remembers crying his eyes out into a pillow, while clutching his favorite picture; the four hockey heads laughing as they try to tickle each other on camera.
Antonio Garcia knew things would be hard when he found them. He especially realized it when he looked into the empty eyes of his son. The one he found alive.
Things would never be the same. Years working on the police force taught him that these experiences could take years to overcome. He hadn't been that surprised to see his son's reaction. But it still shocked him to the core to see his son's personality completely shift to the bad side.
His wife and him always worried about the boy that would never seem to grow up. They loved the childish innocence with which he saw the world. But they were scared as well. Because the world wasn't that innocent. They knew there would come a day when he would find out about that dark side. But never had they ever wanted it to happen like this.
His entire innocence was stripped away. Nothing but an empty shell was left of the bubbly boy they had let go to LA. He had always felt weary after having given permission for that. Did he really let his innocent son go all the way to LA without him? Yeah, he could also have a real temper too and he could hold himself up in a fight. But he knew the boy's personality and everyone took advantage of his trustworthy nature to walk all over him.
He rubs a hand over his tired face again and sighs. Coming back to their home in Minnesota felt so much worse than he thought it would. It used to be filled with laughter, music, and his children squealing. But now it was quiet and felt so empty.
He looks up at the staircase and contemplates whether he should go up again. But he knows what he will find.
His son will be sitting in his windowsill, just staring outside, watching the snow with an empty look.
His wife is still angry and even his daughter won't look him in the eye. He knows this decision wasn't the easiest one he ever made. But he just wanted to do what was best for Carlos. And it was the right decision. Right?
He sighs again and his thoughts go to his other son. They would be burying their youngest child in a few days. He had never even suspected him to have gone missing for the same reason Carlos did. So when they found him in the same place, dead… It was al too much to handle.
He still didn't know what happened. But the boys did. And somehow Logan had been involved, according to Carlos anyway. It is too much to think of right now. He knows if anyone saw him now, they would say he has aged about ten years or more. He wouldn't disagree. It's exactly how he feels…
Kendall Knight had always been the strong one of the group, the leader, as everyone called it. He never liked that title. He didn't want the responsibility and he didn't like people thinking they weren't equals. All four had their own special place in the group.
But all of that had shattered within a year. Carlos wasn't the personality anymore. There was nothing left of a personality whatsoever. He had seen it. He had observed them all in painful silence.
Logan was the brain of the group. The one who stopped them from doing stupid things. He had done that in a way. But he had made sure Kendall knew what he did was the worst thing he could have ever done. It was his entire fault. He had opened his mouth, he had talked back. It was the things he had always done with Gustavo, which Logan always warned him for as well. But then, he never got this angry with Kendall. He had never seen a more hurt and disappointed expression in his eyes.
James had the looks, the confidence. But those men broke him. They took away his looks and his confidence just shattered along with it.
And he himself? He clings to his mother. He's afraid to be alone, afraid of the dark. He was supposed to protect his friends. But instead, they got hurt because of him. Nothing will ever make him forget that.
He knows how he comes across. He knows he seems like a small child now. He has seen the hurt look in his mom's eyes every time he grabs hold of her shirt or when he cries in her arms. But he can't help it. He has never so scared his entire life.
He watched his whole world crumble around him and now there is nothing left but a child. He holds up his arms, waiting to be picked up. He just needs someone to tell him it's okay. And even though his mom has used those exact words, he knows it's not. His friends are not okay. What happened was not okay. He is not okay. He never will be…
The world used to be beautiful to him. Everywhere he looked he saw more amazing things. He loved waking up in the morning to the laughter of whoever was outside or inside. Not that he was a morning person, but he always smiled.
Carlos Garcia hated it when people were sad. He always tried his best to make them smile again. Laughter was his favorite response. Maybe that was why he always did those dangerous stunts. But people never really seemed to laugh after those.
Hm. So maybe he didn't have a good reason for those stunts. He just knew he had always felt so alive when doing them. The rush it came with was so amazing every single time.
But now? No stunt could make him feel alive now. He just feels numb all over. The world suddenly doesn't look so amazing now. He had always known it wasn't so great and Disneyworld like as he saw it. But why look at the negative side of things?
As he gazes out of his bedroom window he sees nothing but pain, darkness. A child crying after he fell off his bike. Two friends fighting from across the street. A mother yelling at her children. A dog whimpering when it's owner pulls on it's leash.
No, the world wasn't so happy anymore. That child he was so into tune with? That child died in that cell in LA. He died right along with his younger brother. It feels weird, having no emotions. He wants to be angry. He wants to cry. He wants to laugh even. But nothing.
He remembers leaving the hospital in LA. He remembers Kendall standing in front of him, begging him not to leave him. He remembers watching a strong friendship disappear into thin air. He remembers how he wanted to say something, anything. But he didn't feel anything when he stood up and left the heartbroken Kendall behind.
He wants to care. He wants to care enough to go over, hug his friend and say everything will be all right. But he doesn't care. He didn't care when they finally arrived back in Minnesota.
He should care about being in the cold again. He should care that Big Time Rush is over. He should care that the three best friends he grew up with, his brothers are all alone, not talking. But as much as he wants to, he really doesn't.
He watches as the snow slowly falls to the ground and stares into the nothingness. That is his only friend now, because that is him. He is now just another human being walking on the big earth. And he feels nothing…
A/N Hi! Just wanted to get some thoughts in here. Not everyone got in here, but I feel the most important people did and maybe the others will get a turn later. I know, it was very dark, but that's what happens.
I hope it wasn't too confusing and that it was realistic enough. If it wasn't, just let me know, I can always go back and change it
Thanks again for all the support! It is so late right now and I should be in bed. But my head is going around in circles because someone I'm not even officially friends with told me we should take some space and I can't figure out what is going on. I really shouldn't care, because he has always been weird like that. But we don't even talk that much, so it's just so frustrating and he won't explain what the hell he's talking about. So yeah, sorry :P I have to vent a little.
I can't believe this is keeping me up. Especially since I don't think I did anything wrong and I know he's weird, we've had strange experiences in our 'friendship' before. Still, I guess I just don't like it when people say something and then don't explain themselves. It's like he knows it's annoying me.
Anyway, I am rambling now. I hope you liked this chapter and I am going to try and get some sleep. I have class tomorrow, so hope not to fall asleep during that :P
Thank you again and until next time!
Love, Baxxie